Suicide - why do people it it?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I got word yesterday that an incredibly competent, popular and capable women in her early 50s committed suicide. I'm shocked. She had it all. A devoted husband and two beautiful grown up children.

Her poor mental was blamed on her menopause but apparently her mental health deteriorated a good few years before the change.

I got to know her about 11 years ago(lived with her very briefly) but hadn't seen or heard from her since bar her profile on social media.

I just don't know what can make someone throw it all away. She literally had it all, and she was still young.

If I was to compare myself to her, I would not measure up to the level of drive and success she had. In a material sense, I've got very little. How could she throw it all away? Was it a moment of delusion or did she really know what she was doing?

Why? Lots of individual reasons
Want to, have made a choice
Feel overwhelmed and scared
Feel sad
Physical pain
Emotional pain
Deteriorated mental health
To take control
To move on

If you’re worried about a friend or family member I would urge people to directly ask someone are they thinking about killing themself if you’re worried about them. Asking directly doesn’t cause,suggest or compel anyone to kill themselves. In fact the research is if you ask you’ll likely get an honest reply and and get them support

resources
Andy’s Man Club Male support group and meet up

CALM campaign against living miserably

Support and Signposting

Samaritans provide free emotional support, advice & information, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Call 116 123 or email [email protected] or visit some branches in-person

SANEline provide support to people struggling with their mental health or supporting someone who is. Call tel:0300 304 7000 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10pm every day).

National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK are a supportive listening service for anyone with suicidal thoughts. Call tel:0800 689 5652 0800 689 5652 (6pm- midnight every day)

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) support people affected by suicide or suicidal thoughts. Call tel:0800 58 58 58 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) or use their webchat service.

Papyrus HOPELINEUK supports people under 35 who are struggling with suicidal feelings. Call tel:0800 068 4141 0800 068 4141 (24 hours, 7 days a week), email [email protected] or text tel:07786 209 697 07786 209 697.

The Nightline Association’s Nightlines are student-run listening & information services for university students, available every night via phone, instant messaging, text, and in-person.
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Shout is a free, confidential 24/7 text service for people in crisis. Text the word ‘SHOUT’ (or ‘YM’ if you’re under 19) to 85258.

In an emergency call 999

I would say I'm mostly feeling better, but it's sad as I now know that life can turn shit very quickly, I suppose I've lost my 'spirit'. I'm also no longer trying to make everyone happy. Before I felt like people's happiness was resting upon my shoulders. I no longer feel that way so much. I feel no one cared much when I was falling apart, not that I told anyone the extent of my feelings. I still feel resentful, but I'm working on it. I was a fool for going with the flow. Now I think a lot more things. I guess I'm much more realistic about life. Which is sad.

*Think a lot more about things, think things through.

@BusterGonad

It sounds like you've been through a lot and as much as things can go bad quickly, they can also get better just as quick (though in the moment of feeling that low you don't see it).

I understand how you may be a bit more wary of things but I expect that's just a protective mechanism.

It's bloody hard and more so if you are a parent and partner and have demands from everyone else on you. It's a cliche but you can't pour from an empty cup, so make sure you look after yourself too.

Not sure if this will help anyone but I found this book really useful when I was going through a low period. It really helped me make sense of my thoughts and feelings and what I could trust:

www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Trap-Based-revolutionary-mindfulness-based/dp/184529825X

@iamnotalemon Thank you. You have made me tear up a little. I am now trying my best to take care of myself. In little ways like replenishing my wardrobe (I lost a lot by moving), keeping my hair dyed, having meaningful days out with my partner. I wish I had some friends but we move a out a lot and friendships take time. I have a lot to be thankful for. 😊

Keeping my hair dyed 😂 sounds ridiculous but it really improves my self esteem. It helps me feel put together. Unfortunately I do value my looks a lot, and if I feel I look good, I do feel good.

@BusterGonad

I think if it makes you feel better about yourself and is a small joy, there's nothing wrong with that.

I have had poor mental health since I was about 8. I was diagnosed with depression and anorexia at 18, bipolar at 25, had severe postnatal depression and psychosis.

I have spent 20 years on and off suicidal and my biggest regret in life is not taking my life in my teens. My pain has only increased since then but so has my appreciation of others pain too. No matter how meticulous my plans get I know 99% of the time I'm not going to put them into action because I can bear the idea of passing on my pain to those around me. I torture myself with plans knowing that they won't be seen through and they won't take away my hurt

I've done mental health first aid training and the trigger words to ask about suicide is where a person expresses being hopeless and helpless. I know personally that's when I'm at most risk too.

Treatment can also increase risk of suicide. I know personally in the biggest depths of depression I am so numbed and disconnected from life thoughts of suicide takes up brain capacity I don't have. Once meds have changed and my mood is no longer in the depths of hell I have the energy for the thoughts and plans I didn't have at my lowest. Medication often improves energy before it improves your mood and thoughts. Energy and low mood can be a dangerous combination.

Samaritan here.

Having spoken to lots of suicidal people, it seems common that people will convince themselves that their family and friends will be better off without them. I’m sure this isn’t true but this is what they truly believe.

As to reasons why - everyone’s situation is really different. As a generalisation I’d say most people who commit suicide will have long term mental health problems. They will either be completely untreated or they may have had some ineffective treatment e.g. took antidepressants for a month with bad side effects or had 6 hours of NHS CBT, which didn’t work.

I prefer committed. Not because its a crime but because its something that you commit to when you act. There's no coming back from it.

Completed is the worst phrase, I think. Its not a fucking PS game.

I like the comment from the poster who said "people are not obliged to stay alive". It kind of begs the question as to why so many, many people think death is a bad thing. How can it be? I would actually flip some of the comments on here and ask why so few people make the choice to end their lives at a time of their choice. I think if the process was actually easier, then significantly more people would pop the "magic pill" (or whatever). And who's to say that would be a mistake? People need to be able to make their own decisions.

I agree that people need to make their own decisions 100%

Suicide leaves devastation for those left behind though. I think in terms of the harm it causes it is the loved ones left with questions- should I have done something? Could I have changed the outcome? Why was the person feeling this way.

I’ve never been suicidal but have had two periods of antenatal depression in the early months of pregnancy with my two DCs.

I was very low, didn’t want to do anything, time seemed to crawl, struggled to enjoy anything, anxious about going out. I just was not myself, not thinking straight. This is someone who up to that point had been a lively extrovert type of person. I came out of it gradually through the pregnancy and was in a good place when the children were born, thank goodness.

When I try to imagine people who take their own lives I imagine they feel like that but even worse and even more hopeless about the prospect of ever feeling better.

Some people just have terrible circumstances to deal with.
What would you do for example if faced with extreme social isolation, bed-ridden depression and poverty, with absolutely no prospect of recovery ?
Life is a fate worse than death for some. Society does not want to face this. Naturally it is ashamed.
This is why I support voluntary assisted euthanasia for those with long term serious mental health problems and impossible life circumstances. They shouldn't have to end up on some f***g railway line and if they don't want people thinking along these lines they should do something about it. But they won't because fundamentally they don't give a shit.

I appreciate everyone's response. I do have a better understanding but also a sense of hopelessness towards the depth of darkness and despair people find themselves in. It is a very frightening concept to think that people are currently in this hell hole. Almost like they are in another realm if that makes sense. We can see each other but we're in a different world (mind wise) and don't realise it as it all appears normal on the surface. I don't really know what to say. To anyone feeling suicidal because of guilt or regret, my words may be meaningless but nothing in this world is unforgivable. We are all human and all let ourselves down. I can only tell you that but it is up to you to realise and accept it.

Also, to the people who say they wouldn't be missed - in reality everyone is forgotten about eventually. My family could be secretly relieved that if I popped my clogs as our relationship can be up and down. But that doesn't make me want to go. I want to stay because I want to stay. It's nothing to do with anyone else.

Personally when I'm in the headspace where I think no one would miss me if I went my view of myself is pretty horrendous. I can't imagine how anyone would want to spend any time with me. I'm a waste of oxygen and food and resources, the world would be better if I wasn't there and the people in my life would be better off without me being a leech on their time and resources.

But everyone is a waste of oxygen in that case. And oxygen, food and resources all recreate and grow again anyway.

Sorry. I know I'm giving very simplified answers to a very complex and dark problem. I understand that people recognise that their thoughts are not rational and I understand they can't control them.

There are certain people who for whatever reasons (and good for them) just cannot understand where people who have lived with mental illness and/ or been suicidal are coming from and yet they keep wanting to discuss it even though there’s no point as they are never going to get it and only upset people. It’s a thing, I’ve come across many of them through the years. OP, you are one of them.

I don't want to keep discussing it though. It's the first time I asked the question. And I stepped away from this thread for a while as I realised the depth of the issue at hand, and felt helpless as there was nothing I could do, or learn, to help suicidal people in my own life. I realised that it is what it is.
This is not something I get off on by discussing it.

And I won't be posting anymore but people are welcome to add to the thread whenever they wish, or if they wish. People do have a right to express themselves and 'let it out'.

Having been through many years of mental ill health and having witnessed and suffered the worst aspects of human behaviour and actually having read quite a lot of history and lived enough to discover how society really works and what people are really like behind the propaganda they push it's actually extraordinary to me that the suicide rate isn't about fifty times larger. I think the illusion is beginning to crumble. We have vast mental health issues confronting us and these will only get worse. The internet of course is another reason so many are fcuked up and it's creating new victims every second. They're not going to switch the internet off are they ? Of course they aren't. As with everything else you either adapt or you don't and if you cannot, tough.

I think it's for the best you won't be posting again @BoundaryGirl3939 as some of your comments are unbelievably crass.

This just shows how much you don't understand.

Of course not everyone is a waste of oxygen. In fact, now that I'm (fairly) mentally well I'd say go so far as to say no-one is.

But when I was suicidal I genuinely believed I was. Other people weren't because they had a purpose, maybe they were a doctor. Or a teacher. Or anything a street sweeper. Or a good mum. Or Or Or... whatever. I couldn't see that I was also a good mum, a good friend and that people genuinely wanted me around.