Suicide - why do people it it?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I got word yesterday that an incredibly competent, popular and capable women in her early 50s committed suicide. I'm shocked. She had it all. A devoted husband and two beautiful grown up children.

Her poor mental was blamed on her menopause but apparently her mental health deteriorated a good few years before the change.

I got to know her about 11 years ago(lived with her very briefly) but hadn't seen or heard from her since bar her profile on social media.

I just don't know what can make someone throw it all away. She literally had it all, and she was still young.

If I was to compare myself to her, I would not measure up to the level of drive and success she had. In a material sense, I've got very little. How could she throw it all away? Was it a moment of delusion or did she really know what she was doing?

The mind and inner thoughts are complex. It scares me that people can act so normal yet contemplate such dark thoughts. It seems like such an internal battle. I would hate to think that someone I know thinks like this.

My best friend died by suicide 9 years ago now. She also "had it all"
A beautiful house, three beautiful children, a devoted husband.
She was only 31, we met as teenagers and I was always jealous of her life. Every body loved her and she was stunningly beautiful and funny. She didn't see it though and was extremely insecure and unhappy, she also had fibromyalgia... In a lot of pain that never seemed to go. I was devastated when I got the phone call but if I've being honest not massively surprised. I wish I could go back and say the right thing so she'd stay and live.

I sort of understand this sentiment. I'm not suicidal, nor have I ever been, but I would like to be the sort of person who is brave enough to put an end to it if things became unbearable. I suspect I'm not.

I get that it's hard to understand suicide from an emotional point of view - how someone can bring themselves to go through with it, the effect on loved ones etc. But I find it oddly arrogant or naïve to think you really know that someone 'has it all'. You don't know what demons and traumas they might carry which are well hidden from you.

@mylovelyboycat you are incredibly brave to keep going. Please reach out and tell someone in real life how you feel.

I saw a video once that really described it well. The woman was clutching onto to edge of a dark hole, trying her best to climb out but kept slipping back to the edge.

I think it’s the loss of will to keep holding on when you are in something you feel you cannot overcome. Whether that is reality or not to the rest of the world, it very much is the persons reality at the time.

This is an absolute fantasy usually perpetuated by people who need to feel in control and like they have to do SOMETHING. It's too painful, even too close to home to accept that some people have lives so bad that they do not wish to be alive anymore.
They are suffering so terribly that they can see no end, and that may be the truth. People who make a serious suicide attempt and fail very often try again. It's not a spur of the moment thing. And sure they may be capable of staying alive, but why should they if they don't want to? God we are about to allow assisted suicide so let's not pretend that suicide cannot be a completely rational decision.
People attempting to kill themselves cannot face carrying on because of the enormous amount of pain they are in. It's also extremely annoying that others might minimise their pain and say they had everything or shouldn't have done it. Fuck off unless you have walked in their shoes.

Yes, this is how I felt when I tried to do it.

Fair point, I guess I meant had it all from an outside perspective. I should say that my friend lived in a houseshare at the time with several people (we were young) so we knew her quite well (not the type to be cooped up in her room at all). It was just strange to go from watching Made in Chelsea over rosé with your housemates pissing yourselves with laughter one night and be found dead by one of them the next.

My actual attempt was many years ago now but I regularly feel suicidal. I have good coping mechanisms now and a good therapist etc. But there is nothing crazy to me about this. You go through the motions while hiding how you feel because you know people won’t cope or don’t want to hear it and even if you told them it might not help. For me the cause is childhood trauma. No amount of money etc can fix that.

The thing is OP you probably didn't know her at a level where you got to see her demons (past or present), possibly nobody has. There can be a lot of shame that prevents us from discussing (even with our nearest and dearest) the Albatross that sits invisibly around our necks whilst we try to get on with our lives.

It is interesting that others see suicide as a moment of delusion. When I tried to act on my suicidal ideation it felt like a moment of clarity and empowerment. I could stop trying and make the choice to be free of my torment. Obvs, I wasn't very successful. I'm in a better place now, probably because I've faced my Albatross head-on and it weighs less now. But the suicidal ideation didn't come out of nowhere and I was outwardly successful. At the moment of attempt I just couldn't keep trying to live, I'd had enough, I tried for years to be happy.

@mylovelyboycat you brought tears to my eyes and there has been very little content on MN that actually made my cry for real in 2 decades.
You are brave to me for not doing it.

I don't wish to be intrusive but please remember MN does have some fantastic contributors who would always take the time to communicate with you, listen to you or share their experiences and knowledge should you ever feel like you are slipping towards that place. Please, please do reach out for the tiniest of reasons. This is one of the few times MN really comes into its own.

Hello all,

This thread has been reported to us and we just wanted to post to share our Mental Health page for anyone who is struggling right now

We can see that the OP is asking for support and clarity in understanding something that many people find difficult to understand. So we're happy to let the thread continue for now. But we wanted to remind you that we don't allow discussion of methods and posts like this will be removed. And that people will have diverse experiences of suicide, whether it is being bereaved by suicide or experiencing suicidal feelings themselves, and to be sensitive and respectful of each other's experiences.

Please do remember that you can hide threads by clicking, "Hide thread" at the top.

Thanks all and take care.

My dear, dear friend, who I will always miss described it as pushing at a heavy door. She tried to open it multiple times before it eventually swung open and she fell through. She was from the same profession as me, one which is notorious for its MH problems and access to the means to take life. She was brilliant, a published author, beautiful, funny, warm and compassionate. The best of people. Yet, she couldn't see how much she was loved. Depression doesn't discriminate.

I have been to the point of self harm and had passive thoughts of taking my own life when I had PND. I could never bring myself to inflict the utter sense of bewilderment that losing my friend caused me. Thankfully, after a lot of counselling and HRT, I am in a good place now.

Not at all. Pretty much none of this is true. Though it is widely spouted by profession of whom I am one. We are never allowed even to give thought to the idea that suicide can be the right course of action for the individual. People are not obliged to stay alive.
I have never had a patient kill themselves on a whim or Indeed think they are worthless. Tbh I have rarely had a patient die by suicide at all because those who find their way to me are very open to the idea of not doing it. Of course. And those who do it never find their way to our services at all. Through choice.

Very well put! I think it’s good for people to know this as for some knowing that it can be a temporary impulse can help some handle it better. If you can tell yourself you’re experiencing something that will pass it can be helpful.

I agree with you @HeyDrake - my retired mum worked in mental health for the nhs her whole career, from community through to secure units looking after people who’d been sectioned and were in suicide watch. She regularly saw patients on her own time and got reprimanded for spending too long with her community patients, and fought for every single one of them to get the care and support they needed.

She was punched, verbally abused, spat at, had chairs thrown at her - you name it, she experienced it. There are bad apples in every profession but the vast majority are superstars.

Thank you and I agree. I felt at the time that some mental health professionals involved felt his death was inevitable, and I still disagree to this day.

I remember reading something by Joy Hibbins on this and agreeing completely. It was probably this:

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/if-clinicians-feel-that-a-patients-suicide-is-inevitable_uk_5aa7c9b6e4b082994459d033

I think it's too complex to speculate about. Every individual has their own story and reasons. I have two friends that have died and they both have very different issues, backgrounds, lifes and reasons. The only commonality was a failure of appropriate support services.

I've never been in the mind of a suicidal person but I remember watching a documentary of a famous traditional singer. She said that one day when she was driving near water, she felt an urge to drive into the water. She found herself driving towards it when she realised she was in a trance. When she snapped out of it, she stopped the car. She wasn't in her right mind during those minutes and it shocked her.

@Ghouella
@GiraffesAtThePark

Can I ask you to imagine that you have the worst ear infection, or tooth infection of your life. You seek medical help but nothing works and nobody is sure it will ever go. This has gone on for ten years. You contemplate suicide to take the pain away. Would that be an irrational decision on a temporary impulse?

I am very sorry too. I have no words. I hope you find healing and peace.

I've tried to commit suicide twice. Very nearly successful as I was in a coma for 6 weeks and 8 weeks.

People do it because we say no way out, there's literally no alternative and wed rather die than live the way we are living. People could question why I attempted to kill myself but nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Oh by the way - trying to commit suicide isn't selfish, it was the hardest thing for me to do, even though it wasn't successful it certainly didn't feel like the easy way out at the time

People who say suicide is selfish give me the rage.
Firstly, one's life is their own to do with as they please. Secondly, I don't want to have to explain all the shitty things that have happened to me so you can decide whether I'm worthy of wanting it all to stop.

Again, I'm not in a suicidal place anymore but I will never judge someone for who life was too painful to carry on.

How do you know she had it all? Or why does having it all make the blindest bit of difference? You will never truly know what someone is going through.