Suicide - why do people it it?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I got word yesterday that an incredibly competent, popular and capable women in her early 50s committed suicide. I'm shocked. She had it all. A devoted husband and two beautiful grown up children.

Her poor mental was blamed on her menopause but apparently her mental health deteriorated a good few years before the change.

I got to know her about 11 years ago(lived with her very briefly) but hadn't seen or heard from her since bar her profile on social media.

I just don't know what can make someone throw it all away. She literally had it all, and she was still young.

If I was to compare myself to her, I would not measure up to the level of drive and success she had. In a material sense, I've got very little. How could she throw it all away? Was it a moment of delusion or did she really know what she was doing?

This

tbh I'm speechless at the thread title. I can't say what I really think about this level of insensitivity.

I had a big celebration on my 40th because I was amazed I hadn't done this.

Sadly my life has gone quite downhill in that no one will care if I don't make my 50th.

what a question. It's not often I'm speechless.

As someone who has been suicidal on and off for most of my adult life, I really don't think word policing people who are reaching out to try to understand what motivates suicidal people is in anyway helpful. The word "commit" is so far down my list of priorities of things to worry about or be offended by, regardless of its etymology or historical connotations.

Thank you OP for reaching out to try to understand. That's the important thing.

@EmeraldRoulette i wish I had the words to help you.

This is not the story for a majority of people who act on suicidal thoughts. It's not about imagination but evidence. The evidence is that most people who survive a suicide attempt will recover. The myth that suicide is typically a relief from otherwise interminable suffering is harmful and dangerous. It contributes to excess deaths by suicide. What you're saying is pro-suicide. I know that it is not your intention but framing suicide in this way risks encouraging suicide. I'm not saying this because I disbelieve your experience of suicidal thoughts. Nor am I trying to minimise how difficult and painful it can be to live with chronic mental illness.

I'm talking about the typical person who attempts suicide. Typically (not always), suicide is bourne out of acute stress and the impulse to act on suicidal thoughts can pass if somebody has the support and help to pause and consider other options.

You don't have to take my word for it. This is the evidence and guidance available from suicide prevention charities. I wish you all the best.

I've never felt it was selfish. I think people get a horrible feeling of hopelessness that anyone can get to that level of despair that they don't know how to deal with it.

@EmeraldRoulette i don’t know you from Adam but i would care 💐

Remember Kate Spade? Successful Handbag designer. She also took her own life.

On the outside you can seem so together and look like you're flying high.

In reality you are trying to just put one foot in front of another until the day you can't do it anymore.

MH services are really rubbish. Not usually anything to do with the individuals.that work in MH services (although I've gone across a few who shouldn't be working with vulnerable people!). But services are overrun and underfunded and too often people are given wholly inadequate treatment. I couldn't access the treatment I need forever my (very serious, high suicide rate) MH condition. The team I spoke to didn't even know what the recommended treatment was and I knew way more about the condition than them. I gave up on the end. All they want to offer people is 10 sessions of CBT with a random CBT therapist, and you'll wait months for that. Good luck accessing anything else. And don't get me started on accessing diagnosis and treatment for ADHD! Or what happens to people in crisis presenting at A&E. Services are in a dire state.

I thought it was clear I wasn’t giving a blanket statement about all people affected, given I repeatedly said things like “can be” and “some people” but just to be clear I was talking about how that can be helpful to some people. Personally it’s helped me.

I agree, having had a suicidal family member I have seen it up close. People who say go to the doctor for mental health issues have no idea. There is no help. ADs and a short course of CBT is all they can offer. Many doctors have no clue how to deal with people who are suicidal.

I think research indicates that many of those who do go on to end their lives have rehearsed the scenario over and over. Portraying it as a whim is not accurate.

Yes, our perception of people can be way off.

I struggle with certain aspects of my job, my personality, my ability to connect with others, and my energy levels. I anxiously try to get through the day. I'm anxious, not down. When I hear of people who display confidence and competence (or qualities I don't have) take such a drastic step, my mind can't fathom how they got to be in such a bad place. I understand that you can't understand until you've been there, and I can sense that it's horrific.

100% this

I have worked in mental health for over thirty years. The last 10 years, outside of statutory services.

I now see how difficult it is to access support, how so often those people who need the support most, don’t fit into the very small boxes you need to tick to be able to access help.

However there’s no point trying to challenge this either on an individual or organisational level because the power of the NHS is so immense.

I just don't know what can make someone throw it all away. She literally had it all, and she was still young.

Clearly she didn’t have everything - two things she probably may not have had could be happiness and mental health. You don’t know, because you haven’t spoken to her for a decade…?

I am lucky enough to have not ever had suicidal thoughts, so I am not claiming to be knowledgeable about it, however i do get what you're trying to say OP...it seems like more and more people who seem happy and successful and who aren't obviously struggling with adverse experiences in their lives are suddenly ending it all, and it is a real shock even to those close to them.

I think we as a society have a massive difficulty with promoting resiliance, a growth mindset and coping mechanisms in children and adolescents, and wonder if not being able to have these skills can make it easier for people to be consumed by depressive thoughts even after minor misdemeanours, and struggle to see a way to overcome them.

And of course mental health services are very overstretched, often not delivered in a timely manner and sometimes sadly it's too late.

Last question for anyone who has been suicidal - what can a loved one/friend do to stop you contemplating it? Is there anything you need to hear them say or do? Or are you immune to an intervention at that point and it's something you fight alone?

Agree people that call it selfish just add to the bad feelings and stigma

my question to you - what if there are no friends or loved ones? Some of us are on MN for company, even though I was reduced to tears last night by a thread full of posters defending dropping their friends after getting married and having children.

who will even know if people like us do it?

no criticism of MH services from me. From those of you working there, I think what you do is amazing 💐

True depression is hell. It is not about feeling sad. It is about feeling so desperately ill that you cannot countenance another second of it. It is not that you want to die, but that you cannot bear yo live.
It is so misunderstood as an illness that people still ask the original question here, as people do not realise that you can have all the material things you could possibly want and loving friends and family but still feel so ill that you do not wish to carry on. It is as though your life force has been turned off.
There is so much that needs to be done to make people aware of what the illness is about and how it can be fatal.Let us hope this thread will go some way to increasing understanding.

Yes many do. But many, particularly younger people, do act upon suicidal thoughts in a way which is impulsive or unplanned. Or, they may have suicidal plans for some time, but it is acute distress which causes them to tip over their personal threshold and act upon these.

If people who act or are planning to act on suicidal thoughts during a period of acute distress are helped in the right way and at the right time then they will usually recover. There is hope for people who survive suicidal thoughts and suicidal actions.

This is not saying that suicide in this instance is a "whim" - that's stigmatising. People who act upon suicidal thoughts impulsively or without a plan still need and deserve serious help.

Suicide, and the reasons for it, vary from person to person, just like everything else.

Some instances can be impulsive, some are carefully planned and researched. Some can be short term situational, some can be after years and years of struggling.
Some are rooted in mental health issues , some are a genuine want to not be alive/not be alive in certain circumstances. Some are a mix of everything and anything.

Generalisations don't help understanding, especially when talking about a specific person.

Thank you for this thread op. I’m shocked at all the people calling you disrespectful and asking for the thread to be deleted. I have no experience at all of suicide and I have learned so much. I too have fallen into lazy thinking and did not know that the word ‘commit’ was not PC.

I also think pp telling you to ‘think twice’ should also take their own advice about censoring clumsy questions, and abusing those who ask them. It’s opening up a world to those of us who are ignorant of these sensitive matters, and education can only be a good thing.

@Anon501178

Lacking in resilience??? I'm going to have to step away from this thread now. May I suggest that for those that hold that belief you may find that some of us have had multiple adverse events and you may not have the capacity to understand the layers of associated trauma that we live with. We are the very definition of resilience. Is somebody who is physically injured who eventually succumbs to their injuries not resilient?

It can feel like an extremely selfish decision when taken by your spouse with whom you have small children. I think anyone in this (my) situation should be able to feel how they feel without criticism

I think we as a society have a massive difficulty with promoting resilience, a growth mindset and coping mechanisms in children and adolescents, and wonder if not being able to have these skills can make it easier for people to be consumed by depressive thoughts even after minor misdemeanours, and struggle to see a way to overcome them.

I am struggling to find a polite response to this as it so totally misses the point. Please see my previous post .....

Resilience and growth mindset (for heaven's sake!) have nothing at all to do with preventing depression and suicide. True depression is an ILLNESS and you can be as resilient as you like when well and still wish to take your life when in the grip of this truly dreadful condition.

This ridiculous glib response really makes me quite angry .... and goes to show how much education around this illness is still needed.