To go off sick until this happens with nursery?

[Inpww]

I have been struggling loads with working full time with my 2.5 year old. I’m on my own mostly and she sees her dad once a week. He won’t do more, I’ve tried a lot.

I just can’t carry on keeping on top of everything and feeling well. I started taking anxiety medication this month and I’m slowly building up the dose but it’s making me feel a bit shit even though I want to stick with it. I’m just done. I haven’t had a day off in years. My job is incredibly demanding and I don’t really want to lose the income but I almost feel if I don’t go off sick then I will lose my job anyway as I’m just not juggling everything well at all.

I wanted to go off sick until dd gets the free 30 hours in September so that if I then continue to struggle with work I can easily go down to part time without financial worry. If I went down to part time now then I would struggle financially. I have a good sickness policy so would get full pay until July then just have August on statutory sick pay. I’ve never been off sick before (literally except one day 4 years ago!) and so I don’t know how easy it would be to do this. I know my GP is supportive of the anxiety I have felt and which has increased hugely recently hence the medication.

I feel so alone and don’t know what to do.

You say you want to drop to part time in sept - what are you thinking and would that work for your job ie could you give up some work or would you have to do more on the days you're in?
Do you know what it is that makes it feel hard to cope? The pressure at work, lack of time on your own, keeping the house clean etc? I know it might be all of them but which one are you trying to solve the most?
I also work in finance, a bit more background and I might be able to make more specific suggestions.

14.32

Parents go to the doctor with anxiety all the time! Do not worry about being honest with your doctor. Its better for everyone (and a damn sight cheaper) if you get the help and can back in the horse so to speak.

I agree with @MrsTigerface ask to be signed off sick for 2 weeks while the meds kick in and the side effects calm down. Send your kid to nursery in that time. Do NOT drop them off later or pick them up any earlier than you would regularly so you can keep their routine and you can maximise your time to recover. Be selfish in the short term so you can go back to work refreshed and take this recovery seriously. It must so hard being by yourself.

@Catza she's put what nursery costs are, not that the child goes to nursery. From her saying she's with her DD FT insinuates the child is at home with her whilst she's working.

Lots of anxiety medications heighten the anxiety when you first start taking them which may be what you are feeling now.

Definitely go back to the GP to get signed off while the meds bed in and you start to calm down a bit.

You won't be reported to social services so don't worry.

Her 14.32 post.

She said Nursery costs me X after the childfree hours so I'm left with Y after I pay it.

sorry but you either take a pay cut and work less to cope or you try harder to cope. It's a struggle for everyone with young kids, we would all love the big salary with the easier life!

@Readysetgooo thank you. I did mention to work that I had started medication as I was worried about the side effects and they did offer a conversation with occupational health, I stupidly declined this as I was worried it would go on my record and that the person would try and manage me out if I confided in them. Thank you for the reassurance about social services, I know my child isn’t at risk at all but my anxiety makes me think the absolute worst.

It is February. You can't simply check out of your job until September. Given that your pay if you went down to part-time is £35k (a very good income for part-time work), you will have tanked your progression and possibly your career - if you even have a job by September. Whilst a short period of sickness to regroup is ok, sick leave is not a remedy for parenting. If you can't manage until September then you need a better plan than being off sick for months on end, and that may mean going part-time now. Remember that the free childcare won't compensate for parenting - there's closed periods, childhood sicknesses etc. Many of the call on you won't change significantly.

Do you claim CMS?

@ringmybe11 thanks. The job is just really hard. Every small thing is picked up on. I am making small mistakes that aren’t anything major but still make me look a bit shit. I just feel hopeless.

@JimHalpertsWife yes but it’s around 550 so not even half the nursery cost

@MyUmberSeal I honestly just wonder about people like you behind the screen , like wtaf is wrong with you . Such a harsh reply to a person who is really struggling. Like honestly people could be at rock bottom and horrible comments could literally push someone over the edge .
@Inpww I’m not based in the uk so pp have better advice than me but honestly your health is your wealth and your dc needs their mum. You definitely need to take some time out.

@Magic3forvever thank you x

Someone has suggested you take some annual leave to catch a breath - is this not an option?

can i assume you already pay for childcare, you just want some of your own time away from the child/children! this is not down to your employer to facilitate!

you have a choice to make, pay for additional childcare for when you are off work thus giving you some breathing space, or reduce your hours and continue with your current childcare arrangement.

its not clear whats actually the issue? is it the stress and anxiety or is it the cost? neither of which again is your employers responsibiity!

No, but it's something. If you reduce your hours you are more likely to get help with childcare costs too. Seriously, run the figures through an online calculator.

@ashamedtramp its everything really. It all just feels too much and all these things are linked in some way. I just want everything to stop for a bit so I can feel ok again

The side effects will pass. Why do you not get a day off? Can you not book leave while dc is in childcare or with df occasionally? You may get 30 hours now via UC.

For those saying don’t worry about SS, this does need to be a consideration if the OP is thinking of getting signed off for this amount of time. After a month or so the employer will have to make a referral to occupational health, which will involve the OP keeping in touch and maybe speaking to doctors etc. As she is a single parent with a young child, they may very well have to inform SS if they feel the OP is not in a fit mental state to care for her child. It’s not to say SS will do anything, but you need to understand they may well come knocking one day so only do this if you absolutely have too.

This happened to a work colleagues family member and meant her family member wasn’t allowed to be alone with her children for nearly 12 months. My work colleague and her family ended up having to take it in turns living with her and the kids!

Not only that by its very unusual for employers to allow employees to take that amount of time off without any intervention, they may start looking any whether you are fit and capable to do your job which could lead to dismissal before that 6 months is up.

It sounds like you need a break, but a 2 week break may be enough to help you reset. I would be taking it week by week rather than just wanting to go off for 6 months.

Health information is confidential so your manager won't be informed unless you agree to it. OH will keep their local records and your manager will get a copy of reasonable adjustments recommendations. You can also request flexible working. And should they manage you out, you will likely have grounds for unfair dismissal due to the records kept by OH. If there is no record of your anxiety/other ailments, then you are not legally protected.

Take some time out. The GP will likely sign you off for 2 weeks to start with. This will give you room to breathe and your meds start to kick in past side effects. Social services won't know, as there's no need for them to, that's you catastrophising. Review after 2 weeks.

Hi OP

I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I’m a lone parent with no support from my child’s other parent and completely understand the difficulties it presents.

I don’t know what your full-time income is but based on what you’re paying for nursery alone, you’re highly likely to be able to claim UC. And it’s an absolute certainty if you rent your home. I recently dropped my hours at work for similar reasons to you (my income went from £48k to £37k) and my UC (which I was already getting working full-time) went up significantly, which has made the drop in wages affordable.

Go to the EntitledTo website and see what you’re likely to get. And submit your claim right away regardless.

Something has to give but I don’t believe that going off work long-term sick is the answer. For one thing, it’s a very real possibility that an employer could dismiss you for such a long absence (particularly if you work in the private sector which I’m assuming you do as you’ve stated ‘finance’ as your industry). For another, losing the routine and mental stimulation that work provides for such a long period of time could well only worsen your mental health, and returning to work in September could feel then like an insurmountable challenge. What would you do then?

My advice is not to risk it. There are other options that you should explore first - namely, applying for financial support that you’re almost certainly entitled to. By all means, take some time off while you’re sorting things out but don’t make being absent from work a long-term plan. The ramifications for doing so could be far more damaging to your wellbeing and family circumstances than the predicament that you’re currently facing.

All the very best x