Suicidal after abortion

[Summersam97]

Hello. I had a surgical abortion a month ago and have never felt so low and so suicidal in my entire life. Please someone help me

Oh darling, I've been where you are. I had an abortion and felt so regretful and so so so depressed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I'd wake every day at 5am with a feeling of doom. And constant ruminations.

There is a thing called post abortion stress syndrome, which a lot of people are keen to dismiss in case it encourages anti choice people. However for me I'd say it was absolutely real. It was like I had severe post natal depression. Do not underestimate the role of the hormonal crash in this. For some reason some women are absolutely destroyed by it and others aren't, but I know I have always had strong effects from hormones.

Get on medication. I had to take mine in the morning or it messed up my sleep more. Started on 25mg, then up to 50. It takes a few weeks but does help. I never stuck with it consistently tbh, but even just a couple of months too the edge off and helped me cope. Counselling helped too, even if it was just me crying for an hour every week.

It will get better but it will take time. I didn't start to feel really better until the due date passed and I realised that there has been reasons there for the choice I made. I've not forgotten it at all and it did affect me deeply but it doesn't hurt like it did. You will get through this! Keep going for your son, and try and find a little bit of something in each day.

It also helped to remember that the only person affected was myself. Others didn't know about this. My children didn't know and were happy with their life, didn't miss a sibling. The tiny embryo absolutely didn't know or care. It also helped to remember that embryos are used in IVF etc and are developed then sometimes not used at not much less than your gestation. And that not every baby gets to be born for all sorts of reasons and we can't know what would have been. We can't write ourselves a lovely story where we had the baby and everything was great because that version of events would t have been. True either. These are just some of the thoughts that helped me.

I have struggled with my mental health my entire life and have anxiety depression and ocd. I also wasn’t on birth control because of the hormonal effects it has on me, it would make my depression and anxiety so bad I couldn’t cope. When I decided to terminate, (basically convinced to terminate by the dad saying I couldn’t take care of another child and he wouldn’t be helping me) I knew I was in for something bad because my mental health is not good to start with. Just a month before the abortion I was crying and screaming because I was having a mental breakdown but then felt great once I was pregnant because of the rise of the hcg hormone then when I had the abortion ever since then I came crashing down not to mention I won’t be able to meet my child I could have had and I think that is really bothering me too. The whole entire situation is horrible and the dad isn’t helpful at all and tells me I can’t talk to him about it anymore because it’s been “too much talking” and he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. I’m also going through depersonalization derealization and feel like I’m living in a. Dream . My mental health is extremely effected by this. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow because they’re making me do food running instead of serving because my tables keep complaining and all day I just go and hide in the bathroom and cry. This is truly horrendous

Are you a single mother to your son? Are you getting any help looking after him during this time?

I get help with him while I go to work I have baby sitters to watch him while I work

That's good. At least you still have some structure in your life

I do have help with him which is nice while I’m going through this Terrible time. Makes me sad tho because it makes me think they would have helped me with my other child but of course the dad had to make it seem like it couldn’t be

I feel sorry for you..Everyone has regrets. This is yours. There's not a single thing you can do about it now. If this man isn't the father to your first child I hope u can get him out your life for good

He is the dad that’s why I still have contact

@Summersam97 how are you feeling

Still not good but trying

Just had the psychiatrist bump up my Zoloft to 50 mg

It’s been two months and I’m not getting any better

I’m sorry to hear that. 2 months isn’t long in the grand scheme, especially in the grief process. But it must feel like forever when you just want to feel better.

have you told your doctor you aren’t feeling better? Maybe they can change your medication.

are you still seeing a therapist? If so, are you happy with them? Sometimes you need to try a few before you get the right fit. If not, can you get some more appointments?

I had two abortions in a previous abusive relationship. I felt suicidal too and still carry a huge amount of guilt and regret. I’m in a fantastic relationship now and have had more babies. I will feel guilty for the rest of my life but I remind myself that my pregnancies were wanted but I wasn’t in the right relationship and it wouldn’t have been fair on my older children. It’s been years now and I’m only just starting to understand that it wasn’t all my fault, it was my then partner, his behaviour and the circumstances. It might sound silly but I will always love those babies and really believe that I will be reunited with them again after this life time. Sorry if that sounds daft but it helps keep me grounded.

I hope I can get to that point because right now I don’t want a relationship ever again and I’m scared to ever have another baby because of the guilt…. Every single morning I wake up and feel like I ruined my mental health and I’ll never be the same again seriously been the worst two months of my life I don’t understand how I’m going to get better I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel

2 months is nothing and you'll still be recovering from the hormonal crash. Don't underestimate how that can affect you. It can be like having postnatal depression.

Make sure you stick with medication and it will make a difference. Give yourself time and grace. We're all just trying our best in life. You made a decision that countless women throughout history have done the same and you haven't done anything wrong. You will get through this.

I’m just getting worse it feels like. It feels like I’m going to be stuck like this forever and I did it to myself and knew I would be effected by this decision and I let someone else try to decide what is best for me that’s insane I don’t see a way out of this every single day I wake up and I can’t take it anymore I’ve been on Zoloft for almost 3 weeks and it’s making me worse not better

It will get better although it will take time. I thought I'd never be ok again and I couldn't stop thinking about it, but I'm happy now. I couldn't bear to be near pregnant women or babies. I thought I'd ruined my life behind repair. But somehow it got better.

The depression is just insane and feeling like I’ll never get back to who I was before and I’ve also been experiencing depersonalization derealization everything feels like a dream or like I’m living a different life now I’m holding into hope that one day I’ll feel better because right now I do not see it

I am sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling any better. 💐

Please go back to your GP. You should be experiencing some improvement in your mood by now, not feeling worse. It might be that the medication doesn’t suit you and you need to try a different one.

Hi OP,
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Hi. It’s me again

How are you doing @Summersam97