I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Today could be the first day of the rest of your life OP. Make the call and make a change. Proud of you!!

If he's had a custodial sentence for abusing /assaulting you why the bloody hell is he back???
Your poor.children and unborn child deserve better!! Please find the strength to either speak to your family or WA.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Then what happens to your children? You’re gone and they are stuck being brought up by a horrible abusive father? How is that fair? Not to sound harsh but you need to be strong for your children, it would be incredibly selfish to leave any other way than with your children to a safer place for your sake and your children’s

This man doesn't love you. I'm sorry, it's difficult to hear but he really doesn't.

So don't worry if you're single forever - you have your children and your life.

I havent had it quite as bad as you but I was sexually abused by my father as a child/teenager on a regular basis for years and also my uncle (separate times), got into a relationship with my children's father when I was 24 and he was controlling and violent - accused me of flirting with his friends and wearing 'inappropriate' clothing, cheated on me multiple times and told me about it, strangled me until I lost consciousness then went to kick me while I was on the floor but luckily I came to as he brought his leg back and managed to move out of the way - I was 6 months pregnant with his daughter at this point and yet I stayed with him and had another baby.

He ended up leaving me in the end so I got away but then years later ended up in another relationship with an alcoholic. This also became violent but I stayed because I loved him. I'd call the police at least once a year and each time as it was DV related, I'd be referred to social services and my children ended up on a child in need plan twice. They strongly advised me to leave him and told me that if the police were called again I'd risk losing my children.

I never did call the police again because of that... But last year I left him. Well, asked him to leave and eventually he did. It had become more toxic than outright abusive by that point but a year on and it's becoming apparent that my now teenage children have been affected by what they've been exposed to. They're anxious, homebodies, don't like strangers coming into the home, and get very scared if I ever raise my voice or 'look angry' because all they saw as young children was me arguing with men and them hurting me.

Please leave. For your children. Me and my kids are okay and we're alive but please don't hurt your babies like I hurt mine.
I genuinely felt like it was impossible to leave as well and I was helped by my ex agreeing to go, but your family can and will help you, as will womens aid.

And your ex will also be fine, in the end. Abusers always are...

So prioritise yourself and your family, please.

I've been you, OP! I'd completely lost myself, felt exhausted, and he'd ground me down to the point I hated and had zero faith in myself. It was all BS - 7 years free now and I have no regrets of leaving, best thing I ever done! You can and will be so much happier without this man, and you'll be doing a huge thing for your children too. I wish you the best of luck - making that phone call to womens aid will be the first step towards a much better future x

I totally agree with this, please do this for
Your children.

I hope you leave him. I hope he sits alone in an empty house and starves to death. He doesn't deserve your devotion, care or support. He deserves nothing.
Please tell your midwife what is going on, they will take it seriously and support you. 36 is so so young, your life will be amazing when you don't have him in it any more

You need to get out, OP. Think of your children and just take them somewhere safe and sane. Your parents will help you.
Then you can sort your head out, with time and help.

@Forevertrappedhere you don't need him to be with you in labour. He would not be a good advocate anyway. Your sister can be with you, or maybe your mother. Think about bringing your baby into a peaceful, safe world.

Fear is the mind killer. Don't feed it.

Deal with today, and today only.

Ive started live chat. The wait is about 20 minutes. Ive written some stuff down so i can just copy and paste it. Im so scared. If any of you are the praying sort, please pray for me. And my children

Under this abhorrent and disturbing violence you decide to have another baby with this man. I would get out ASAP. Go to family or friends..

I’ll pray for you all OP.

Hi. As others have said. You are brave. You are strong. You have to deal with this, and deal with it now. If you stay with this man I’m afraid you are also complicit in the abuse on your children.
This is not a ‘ getting your ducks in a row’ situation. You need to leave now.

1. send your children to your sister with lots of clothes on and their coats. If you can pack a bag with their best toys and pyjamas so much the better. Whenyour husband is out -
2. get paperwork. Passports. Your financial info, letters etc. Proof of his income if any. Birth Certificates.
3. Money and Valuables . Take any valuable jewellery and any cash.
4. sentimental - think of anything small and important to you.
5. fill a bag with everyday clothes for you and kids. Remember shoes and coats.
6. medications - any current for you and the children.
7. don’t pack nicely - throw it in a case or bin bag. Don’t even try to take lots of stuff. Most of it is replaceable. Only take essentials and valuables. take your car or a taxi to your sisters and decide where to go from there. Preferably as far as possible. 8)in the taxi call the police and tell them you are running for yours and your children’s safety. Say you feel there will be repercussions. Transfer any money in joint accounts to a sole account or to your sister or parents. Block his number and any media he can contact you through.
8. once safe at your sisters, call your midwife, women’s aid and poss social services and ask for help. If he comes to find you. Call the Police. Hide away. Under no circumstances engage. Take things one day at a time.

This must be. For your children you must be strong and decisive. They deserve so much more and better than this.

Op how awful for you. Do your family know he is anything like this? You need to talk to them and start making a plan. Put yourself and your children first. As you know the stress on your unborn baby isn't what you need right now.

If you want to safeguard him, you could speak with a local mental health team to say he may be at high risk if you leave. BUT you owe him nothing. He is an abuser. You must leave and there will be life on the other side although you can't see it now. 36 is still so young!

He’s not going to change.

He is going to kill you.

Probably in front of your children, likely alongside your children.

Get the fuck out of there.

Silently, unobserved, gather important documents like birth certificates and passports.
When he's next out of the house take your children and go. Forget any things you want to take with you. Just go. Go to your local council, housing or social services. Or ring Women's Aid. There is emergency accommodation for desperate cases.

Yours is a desperate case.

Leave first, safely. Worry about all the rest later.

Dear OP. This is so hard for you. As has been said you are thinking these things about being unable to do it alone and being unworthy of love because he has told you these things. This is coercive control as well as domestic abuse.

You already have the words to call Women's Aid because you have written them down in your posts, so when you call them, you just have to read what you have already written.

They will help you to get a plan. You will need a plan because you will be most in danger from him when you leave. And you will leave, and you will have support and you will have someone to help you through the birth and you will find someone who loves you in time. The fear that these things won't happen is what is keeping you with him and this is completely understandable because he has manipulated you into this.

Phone Women's Aid, they will listen. They will help you have a plan. And if you are ready, they will help you when you call the police. Because what he is doing to you is a crime and every day you are surviving.

I know this is terrifying and you are going to need every little bit of you to make the call, but once you have done that, you will be on the road to a better life. One step at a time.

Firstly find the number.
When you're ready, put the number in your phone under a name beginning with A like Anne or Angela. She's a mum from school if he asks.
When you're next ready, get this thread on your phone or tablet so you can read your posts.
When you're next ready, call the number and read the posts.
You can take your time.
It's OK if you cry.
It's OK if you don't cry.
It will be OK.

One step at a time.
You can do this and we love you xx

Hi@Forevertrappedhere I do understand how you feel, even the relief when he finally hits you after being nice. I have worked in a Womens refuge and seen situations like this where women fear the future without their abuser.
Womens Aid will provide all the support you need to change things for you and your children.
Please listen to the advice and warnings given in previous posts.
If you choose not to leave and Social Services find out, your children will be removed from your care, including your new baby because you are not safeguarding them. Living in the situation you have described is so damaging for children. Even if you don’t leave for yourself, do it to ensure you can keep your children safe and still be their mum.

Still waiting for the chat to start.

I do have some money squirreled away. I have about 2k in cash. Ive also got all the baby bits and my car serviced etc.

I haven't packed - my parents keep a fairly stocked wadrobe with all the clothes for me and the kids as we stay over once a week.

My Mum knows most of what is going but not the extremes. My Dad doesnt.

Please leave

WELL DONE!!
You have made that tentative first step.
Let these very experienced women guide you through.

Thinking of you @Forevertrappedhere 🙏

I'll pray for you OP x

Jesus Christ this is one of the saddest things I've ever read on mumsnet. Please rescue your children if you won't rescue yourself. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. 💐

@Forevertrappedhere Plenty of people do know what you're talking about btw. That's why so many women never leave, and so many children grow up in hell. But there are many women who did leave. They all did it while feeling exactly the way you do now.

I will pray for you. 🕯️🕯️🕯️