I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

If he kills OP, he will go to prison, and the children will be placed in care.
It's insane to still be with an abuser , making children suffer.

Dear OP I am so sorry to read this. Ask your sister to collect you and your DC now and get out. asap. Everything else can wait. Just go with your sister or other family member.

Worry about phoning womens aid etc later. Do it from a place of safety. Clothes can be collected later. Living arrangements sorted later.
Just get out with your DC before he gets home. Today.

You need to LEAVE. Find the strength JUST GO.

Why are you so focussed on whether you’ll ever be loveable again? The only thing you should be worried about is your children. Why are you not doing everything you can to protect them, including keeping yourself alive?

You keep saying how you're worried that no one will love you again - this man does not love you. You are putting you and your children in danger by staying. I really hope you can find the strength to leave before it's too late

life will be so much happier for you if you were away from him sweetheart. if this was your daughter going through this what would you be telling her? please please leave before he kills you. you and your children deserve a happy life. sending you so much love. we are all behind you wishing you nothing but the best 💐 better days are to come xx

When I mention other men - I dont mean i stay becuase I dont want to be alone. I feel like I CANT do it alone.

I am not making excuses. Im going to call once the kids are out. I just needed to explain, get it out my head, write it down.

Im also so scared of giving birth alone. Terrfied.

He can be so lovely and charming and kind sometimes. So rare. But i need that when im giving birth - one birth went very very off the books and im terrfied thatll happen again.

I know i need to get away. I will. I will. I need to.

I just wanted to air whats in my head so I could try and get things a bit settled in there. Very overwhelmed.

I hate myself for staying as long as I have. I know its daamging. I witnessed it too, i think thats partly why im here. i DONT want the same for them. I will fix this. I will. I know a drop in lifestyle is better than this but the guilt is there for that too.

I wish I could explain what it feels like., Not as an excuse to stay. But becuase I feel crazy and just want someone, anyone, to get it. That feeling that youll die wihthout them, whilst knowing they are killing you. That feeling of almost relief and maybe even pleasure when they are finally nasty after being nice all day - the exhale. The weird obsessive need to take care of them and manage everythhing

HE WILL KILL YOU AND LEAVE YOUR KIDS ORPHANED WHILE HE ROTS IN PRISON AGAIN.

Do I have to make it any clearer?

If he is able to forge medical notes he is more than capable of looking after himself. You are not responsible for him 💐

You are feeling this way because he has conditioned you to feel this way! He hits you and it will in time pass to him hitting your children, please leave him and get help for yourself. He is a grown man acting this way because he can and he chooses to and by staying you are allowing him to, do you want your children to grow up witnessing this? If it was your daughter in this position what would you do? Please call a domestic abuse helpline, they will find you a place where he won't find you and give you time to think.

He's strangled you. Studies show that is a regular pre curser to murder in DV cases.

He is going to kill you if you do not leave.

Your the family that social services should protect !
You'd children deserve better!

Go, just put one step in front of the other and go.

I’m not saying this as an exaggeration, this man will kill you. Your kids might get out alive, they might not.

There was a horrifying thing on Itv1 last night about Camilla and her campaigning for domestic violence, when they went through the stages of abuse. I’d say you’re on about stage 6. 8 was death.

If you can’t do it for yourself, picture your kids on the front page of the local newspaper after he’s strangled them or set fire to the house. Do it for them.

OP - please please please Google the below for your area. An IDVA is trained in how to support people leaving domestic abuse situations. It's terrifying contemplating leaving and often dangerous, so advice to 'just leave' is not good advice. They can sagely guide you on how to leave and find accommodation for you and your children that is safe from this abusive human. You are trauma bonded, which is why it feels like you are stuck. Type in IDVA then your county, into Google.

IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advocacy) service

Please save your children from this. Please get in touch with Women’s aid or your local equivalent and leave him asap. Please op.

Your children will be taken from you when he hurts you seriously.
LOADS of women give birth in hospital without a partner there.

With three young children in the house, his violence will probably get worse.

So you don't mind being murdered by this vile piece of shite, but then what becomes of your children?

MORE dysfunction, and so it goes on.

They may too get into abusive relationships.

Break the cycle for their sakes, if not your own.

Women's aid ought to help.

This is so very true. I lived with such a man. The emotional and physical abuse controls you until you become a shadow of yourself. I don’t know how I managed to, but when I stood up to him, and said I didn’t care any more if he hit me, he did start on the children. Please don’t let that happen to yours.

In my experience, love and hate were very close together, but eventually, I felt neither. I didn’t care whether he ate, had clean clothes, came home or not. Suddenly, it was easy to tell him to leave.

I went on to have a normal, loving marriage with my second husband.

For your children’s sake, you must leave, and give them the chance of a life free from abuse. I know I should have done it sooner than I did.

I still live with that guilt.

Maybe it’s the need to feel needed by him that draws you back. He will cope with out you, he’s an adult and he’ll have to. It isn’t your problem anyway. OP you need to put all your own thoughts aside and any worries about him and be a good mother. Your children NEED you more than he does. Do you want them growing up seeing this abuse and then the cycle continues and you’ll have to live with the guilt that you let them down. I know I’m being harsh and you honestly have my complete empathy, but you need to get the fuck out of there now. This is about your children!!!!! You can do this! Keep telling yourself that. Good luck

My mum walked out with nothing except us 2 kids. She had to stay in a b&b for a couple of nights before being put into temporary accommodation and then a council house.

Women aid will be able to help you find housing well away from him.

You will be okay, you will get through this.
I left a mentally abusive marriage and was terrified of being alone.
But my god the peace of mind is priceless and the change in my child is immense.
Step forward into a new peaceful life for you and your children.
Seriously in a years time when you are totally settled you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.
much strength and peace x

You can do this. You really can.

But please, if you don't, and decide to stay longer, please see if your family can take your children until you leave.

It's really not fair for them to have to endure this because you're not strong enough to leave yet.

Please let your family give them safety and peace until you decide you can leave.

They have no choice in this.

How far along is your pregnancy? Because honestly if it's not too far I'd terminate it.
You have to leave him. He's a monster. Your head is fucked, thanks to him. You cannot and must not continue to expose your children to this horrific, hellish, abnormal environment.

All that matters at the moment OP is now. What you did in the past, what might happen in the future doesn't need to be thought about this afternoon. All you need to think about this afternoon is making that call and telling the woman who answers that you need help. There will be no rush and no pressure. You don't need to worry about what to say. She will be there to listen and help you express what you need to.

If you stay you’re not keeping your children safe. You may cause them long-lasting emotional harm through what they witness and I agree with other posters that he is likely to severely physically you in due course. Someone may know what is going on and feel that they have no choice but to report things to the local authority and if you have been failing to safeguard your children, you could lose them. That sounds very harsh, but it is the truth. If you act now protectively and remove them from the situation and never go back then your children will remain living with you. You should not wait anymore. He hurt you yesterday and he will probably hurt you today. This has to end now. If your children were in imminent danger, you would act immediately to remove the danger. Your children are now in danger and you have to act. X

^^ Your children have to come first. He will hurt you seriously (or worse) one day, and then what will they have??? An abusive parent and no protection. Get out.