I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Please please leave before he kills you and potentially your children! You need to also keep them safe. Call woman's aid, call the police, call your family to come and get you, even if you need to leave with just the clothes you are wearing. You don't owe him anything, if he threatens to kill himself, then let him. You have one life to live, as do your children, don't ruin all your lives.

Well done for sending the children to your sisters and deciding to call women’s aid, it’s a big step.

You are the only one who can break this cycle for your children. In 25 years time your daughter could be writing this post or a woman writing it about your son, please leave and make sure that doesn’t happen.

life can be calm and beautiful, please allow your children and yourself to see that.

we are all with you 💐

It is incredibly difficult to find the courage to leave after years of abuse.

It's codependency and feeling unworthy of better.

It is completely NORMAL to feel how you do. It is a case of feel the fear and do it anyway.

You need intensive mental health support/therapy to leave and not return.

As others have said, if you cannot leave for yourself you need to leave for your children's sake. This is a highly abusive situation and they will be irreparably affected by it.

You are frightened of him and trauma bonded to him.

The first step is always the hardest. You know that.

You have no excuse for staying. Your guilt is not a good reason. As long as you choose to assuage your guilt, you choose to harm your children.

That's harsh, but you need to stop letting yourself off the hook. You are strong enough, and you can do it.

Wishing you well. 💐

I promise you’re not weak. You’re getting up every day and being a mum and putting up with this abuse. That takes an enormous amount of strength.

You're also not an idiot. Not in the slightest. You’ve been broken down.

You don’t have to leave today. That would be way too hard. But yes, try to make that phone call. That’s a step but a big one. You’ve done much harder things.

This sounds incredibly hard and I’m so sorry he’s treating you this way. It will be hard to leave too. But I promise you, that when you can, life will be a thousand times better than this. Not straight away and not always. You’ll have a maelstrom of feelings, including guilt. But you don’t deserve this. You deserve peace and happiness.

Your title tells us you have no intention of leaving for you. You must leave for your children. It is cruel beyond belief to subject them to this awful human. Call women's aid. Get out of there before he kills one of your kids.

Can you leave the children with your sister until you can manage to leave him?
It's not ideal but it's far safer for them.

Not all prisons have locked doors keeping you in. He has ground you down and trained you to take it.
He is a highly toxic abusive individual, and by staying you are teaching your children that this relationship is normal.

Im sitting here reading and repeated telling myself I will call them. Ive started trying to write down what I want to say as its all so jumbled up.

Im scared if I go, ill end up coming back. Everytime I do he is worse.

I dont WANT to come back to this. I think of what coming back means and i want to run. But i think of those one or two times a month where its calm and nice and he smiles at me and I want that SO bad. It isnt just that though. Its this utter screaming panic that i am MEANT to with him. Im doing something wrong. I need to go back, now. I really cant explain it. It sounds insane. I feel so so so so so sad

💯 this OP.

By the sounds of it you have support, just doing the hard step of separating. What's your financial situation like ?

Women's aid social services / police etc for a molestation order.

Just read your update. Sorry but the OP was so horrific I was compelled to write straightway.

You are brave.

You absolutely can not go back. The fear and distress will ease with time.

This. Even if he hasn't physically harmed them they will suffer psychological trauma by witnessing how he treats you. Your kids will grow up thinking this is the norm and will be more likely to end up in abusive relationships themselves.

My DH was in an abusive relationship for 12 years and finally left when she was violent in front of the kids. He couldn't leave for his own sake but he managed for his kids.

OP think of what's best for your kids, because this man clearly doesn't give a toss about you or the children. Stop worrying about someone who doesn't worry about you or his own flesh and blood.

Think about waking up on Xmas day in your family members house, watching the kids open their presents without worrying that you're going to get thumped for buying the wrong aftershave or over cooking the spouts. In a year's time you'll look back and wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

Please listen to all the advice offered here. You've got this!

Your children need to escape from this. Go to your parents and let them help you figure it out. Your parents and your sister will help you. They are your real family, not this monster.

Yip.

You say you don't think anyone else you but he doesn't love you. What he's doing isn't love.
Your children need you to leave. You need to protect them. You have people to help you. Let them help you.
It will take time and therapy for you alone to heal and come out the other side and see that you deserve so much more.
His past is no excuse for his behaviour.
You need to care about your children's future because you are modelling a relationship for them right now. Do you want this for them?
What if he escalates to hurting your children?
What happens to your children if something happens to you?

Ring social services , ring the domestic violence team , anyone, just start speaking to someone about all this and that's the first step you need to take in all this, you need support to be able to do this properly.

How old are your children?
What are they seeing/hearing
How does he treat them?

Stop thinking of anyone/anything else but them and get out.

Would your family ever ring SS? It must break them to see what's going on

Stop worrying about whether a man will ever love you again. This man doesn't love you, and if you stay, you risk your children no longer loving you because you didn't protect them from this psychopath. From now on, you need to focus on your children and protecting them. It's them first, you second, and this vile man right at the bottom.

So he ends up battering you so badly you die.
What happens to your children then?

A childhood in children's services and ''care''.

They will think when they are old 'Didn't Mum love us enough to leave our toxic father?

Children remember violence done in their lives- and they WILL judge you for it unless you get them away.

They don't deserve this.

YOU have a choice. They don't.

They are victims of your choice to stay with this awful, violent cruel twisted man.

If you cannot bear to ring them yourself, sit with someone and they can make the call, begin the conversation and pass the phone to you.

You need serious therapy to keep yourself and your children safe.

Why would you want to go back to a man who's abusive in every possible way? Do you really think your children are happy and living their best lives, living with you and him? You seem to care about him more than about your own children.

And don't say they are happy living with him and that they don't hear his abuse.

By staying with this man, you are setting your children up for future mental health issues. Could you live with yourself seeing your child struggle in the future? Knowing that a change in the home environment when they were children could have protected their poor brains from this.

You have to leave. He sounds hideous.

You are never responsible for another grown adult. And in fact, you are enabling him. The only way you and him will be able to live a reasonable life is if you leave.

Contact women's aid and lean on your family.

Just take things one day at a time. Right now you need to get out with the kids. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

What you are experiencing is trauma bonding. The reason he's nice once in a while is to keep you there, give you that glimmer of hope, knowing you're craving for him to be that person every day. But he's not that person. The niceness is fake. The real person is the monster that beats a pregnant woman.

I'm sure once you speak to woman's aid they will advice you to do the freedom programme which helps victims of abusive deal with leaving their abuser.

You won't die if you leave but there's a high chance you will if you stay.

If he kills you then your children are left with him.
If you stay there is a likelihood that one of your children will mention the abuse as they get older and social services will become involved. You then risk having your children taken off you.

Also if you stay your children will cut you out for it. They will probably cut you out of their lives and blame you for issues they will have when they are old. Save yourself and save your children.

Who gives a shiny shite if a man never says ''I love you'' again..
This man absolutely disrespects OP, and doesn't love her.

No man hits and abuses a woman he loves.

FAR better a single life of freedom than to be a punchbag for a dysfunctional man.