I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Your first step is ring womens aid. Please they will help you. You know you need to leave. Just start doing small things to make it possible. Look at your finances, pack a go bag. You are worth so much more than this. Your children need you to be the bravest you will ever have to be, but you can do it.

For goodness sake OP. You HAVE to leave for the children's sake. Do you use addiction or guilt as an excuse to stay. You owe your children a peaceful, loving upbringing.

Currently you're putting your needs first (can't bear the guilt if I leave etc). Don't be that mother. Put your children first.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

@Forevertrappedhere your brain becomes addicted to the highs and lows of the abuse cycle and helps trap you.

Reach out to Womans Aid. Take that first step to just tell someone else what he is doing and then, next time he assaults you, you call Police and they should take him away.

You have to try. If SS gets wind if any of this, they will intervene for your children's sake. He's not abusive to you alone - the kids are seeing, hearing and experiencing all of this as well.

Do it for them. Call for help.

I wish Mumsnet could intervene in situations like this and report to social services/the police. These children desperately need protection.

Ive arranged for my sister to have the kids this afternoon. I will call Womens Aid when he is still out. Im intending to. Im scared I will chicken out. This is all so awful to confront. I can't explain it. I have got used to dealing with him and sometimes it feels routine and not so awful. But this, this feels too hard.
I feel like i need him. Like i die without him. But im scared hell get to it first. I hate myself for being in this situation. Im the 'strong, together' one in our group. How did i get so weak?

This is causing huge damage to your children. You have to get out to protect them.

Go to your sister's or your parents. You need to out your children first and leave. All this analysis and what if and what that is just utter bullshit and irrelevant.

It is incredibly hard, I've been there. But much easier being on your own with your children and your family than being abused and showing your kids they should grow up and be abused too. Do you want this life for them?

You are not weak but you have had your true self battered out of you. You need to remember who you were before and let that part of yourself come out again. You are tired snd scared but you can change that.

You need to confide in someone in real life. Women's Aid, a family member or call the police when he hits you. In fact call the police anyway. You are being seriously abused. You must leave.
I used to work as a homeless officer and one of the things I had to tell women is this. Your duty is to protect your children. You aren't protecting them by staying with him. It doesn't matter if you think he won't physically harm them, you can't look into the future but he is harming you all by his actions now.
Please get some urgent help. And LTB.

Read that back to yourself and if that was someone else what would you advise .
You have a supportive family , take your children and get away from this abuser .

Oh my god
it sounds like you are with my ex. 😢

He will kill you.
You are destroying the lives of your children.

I left me ex eventually and the thought that he’d move onto someone else haunted me. This post has made me cold all over.

Think of your children and what it's doing to them? You have the option to stop this for their sakes , if you stay they will be a mess when they grow up living around this man.
You need to find the strength and in a year you'll look back and realise it was for the best.
You can do this, for you and your kids, you owe him nothing , he is never going to change and you know that.
You're also not responsible for him or his actions either.

If he's been in prison for violence towards you then presumably social services are aware that your kids are vulnerable. Do they have ongoing involvement?

Baby steps OP. The trick here is to focus on the thing in front of you at the moment. Be very firm with yourself, and keep your focus on just one action. One step at a time without letting all the what ifs and future fears distract you. You've taken a big step already. You've posted here. Now take another one. Pick up the phone and call women's aid or another helpline. That's all you have to do at first.
Or of you don't want to talk anymore, maybe put just a few things in an overnight bag for you and DC and go to a family member or friends house. Again, no need to think further than that, just that step is enough for now.

You need to leave, please please please, if not for you then for your children.

could you speak to your midwife about this?

He's bought you so far down to his level, through his sadistic abuse, that you are too depressed to see a way out. You sound numb to it all now, and desensitised to just how awful he's treating you.

If you are too worn down to find it in you to leave, can you think of your DC and do it for them?
They will know what's going on and have a lot of trauma growing up. Do you want them to think it's normal to be beaten? Or mimic their father's footsteps? They may even be without a mother one day, if he takes it too far.

Speak to your midwife. There is a way out, you just can't see it right now as that bastard has depleted your self esteem and sense of reality.

30s is no age to put up with this. You have your whole life ahead of you. You and the DC will be so much lighter and happier once he's out your life, sucking the life out of you like an emotional vampire.

Make a start by ringing women's aid and at least getting some anonymous advice.

Felt like crying just reading this....
Get out. Now. Today.
Go to your family, take the kids. Every day you stay will be worse for you, and for them, until someone gets seriously hurt. And this could happen any time.
His only chance of changing is if you go, you're doing no-one any favours as things are. You cant' help him, but you can help yourself and the kids.
Please please go before it's too late

You are trauma bonded to him. Life gets better when you're not tip toeing around your abuser. Even if no one ever loves you again, please love yourself and your kids enough to leave him. If he harms himself after, that is not on you, it is on him.

For what it is worth, my ex used to say the same to me. That he couldn't live without me and that he would kill himself if I left, drive off the end of a pier etc. I'm 7 months free of him and he's still alive. He will be fine.

It's all part of the abuse cycle where he is the one who abuses you and he is the only one to make you feel better. You need to look up narc abuse / trauma bonding. Even once he's gone you're going to think you've done the wrong thing for a while. The brain has a strange dependant relationship with the abuser. Google cognitive dissonance after narc abuse. Please don't back track on yourself and focus on healing you. Get some therapy if you can - the trauma he will of inflicted on you will be immense but you can do this 🤍

Your children are living in a highly abusive household. If not for yourself, you need to leave for them.

What support do you have in real life? Would your sister help you to leave?

You will need support from e.g. Womens Aid, as the situation you are in is really serious.

This is horrific and I don't think you realise quite how bad it is, OP. Later, when you've left, you will need a lot of therapy to understand why you stayed.

Ask your sister to call Women's Aid when you are with her. She can do the talking for you if you struggle to say these things out loud. Show her your opening post here and let her talk for you until you feel able to say something.

It would break my heart if my friend, daughter, sister or other relative was going through this.

As others have said, speak to your midwife and the ball will start rolling for you. They will not leave you to suffer in that situation. Please get people involved who will help you, and go to the safety of your parents house. This is one of the worst things I've read on here, and although I would never normally say anything like this, it would be a blessing if he was out of your life forever, by whatever means. Your future is so much brighter than you can see at the moment, I guarantee. Keep the strength and keep going now you're on your way. Best wishes OP.

@Forevertrappedhere He's an abusive arsehole.

As previous posters have said , there are plenty of men who have been abused at school or elsewhere and they aren't thugs.

He sounds unbearable.

Do yourself and your children a massive favour and leave this manipulative man.

He won't ''kill himself''- that's a tool to get you to feel sorry for his abusing arse.

Oh for gods sake just leave for your kids’ sake. You say you have a supportive family. You say he’s terribly abusive and he sure sounds it. Why the hell are you pregnant again? Stop pandering to him, stop writing about it, use your energy to leave him. I’m glad he ‘won’t be able to do life’ without you. You should be too!