I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

He won't change. He CANT change. Get to somewhere safe with your dc and start divorce proceedings. From what you've written there are no other options.

For christ's sake op if you cant leave for Gods sake sake send the children to your family before the last thing they see of you is their mother being killed. They dont deserve this.

Why are you choosing die and leaving your dc with him permanently rather than leave and have a better life for you all?

Hi you shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving him he’ll find another victim quickly enough they alway do. He’s an adult.
what you should fee guilty for if anything is exposing your children to this. Please tell someone what’s happening so they can put you in touch with a domestic abuse supporter who can help you leave safely. Xx

You’re not pathetic you’re having a normal trauma response to this abusive traumatic situation you feel like you’re trapped in. I’m not surprised you feel depressed and suicidal but try to use your own logic if you feel too ‘guilty’ to leave him via break up he’d be even worse off if you died, so would your children left in his care alone!
you need to gather support and secretly gather the strength and make a plan to flee safely but op DO NOT TELL HIM or he might kill you

There is an escape op, you’re doing well starting to describe how you feel. Lots of women do manage to break free (and some die instead) but please seek help as people can help you - these abusers all follow the same pattern so professionals will know what to do.

can you call women’s aid on Tuesday when the kids are all school and tell them all of this?

I'm going to be honest. You have to call someone before he kills you.

i don’t know who you are, you don’t know who I am. But I care about you, I care about your children.

I have supported many women in their hour of most need - the hour you are in now - to leave domestic abuse. All of them are now away from their cruel, controlling, hurtful and (in most cases) sadistic former husbands / partners. All are back on their feet financially and career wise and are in total control of their lives and destinies . All have children who no longer live with the hair-trigger fear they had when living under the same roof as a man whose biggest concern is his ego and protecting the lies he spins, and so are thriving. The tales I have heard make my blood run cold to think about even now. One thing I have definitely noticed and reflected on is that the older the age of the child when their mother has broken free, the worse and more risky their acting out (drug addictions, dangerous sex, running away from home, damaging friendships, self harm etc) seems to turn out to be. Not in all cases, but enough to make it a clear pattern.’

You will look back on this and remember how bad it was and feel proud that you got away before he carried out all of his threats and overjoyed that you realised how much more you are worth than the horror show insults he is heaping on you.

If your friend was in this position? If your daughter was? Where would you be telling them to go to?

This will sound horrible to anyone who hasn’t know people in this situation but two women I supported whose partners physically abused them / their children in the most obviously brutal physical ways both said, after the fact, that they were glad their partners did this. Because it meant they could each get a restraining order from the police and that then the police / judges listened to them and ensured their partner could only see their children under supervised contact. And too, like you say, sometimes the pain is better than the fear of what your abusive, violent, hateful, spiteful partner (not loving, caring or kind) is going to do IF something tiny happens to trigger them.
At least when you have photographic evidence.. you can finally leave.

I wish you the courage to face your fear of leaving and do it anyway. And the knowledge that the innocent and truthful and compassionate person you were when you were a child, long before this man came along, is there inside you still. They know that you and your own real children deserve to live in safety and dignity every day and that you have what it takes to get you all back to that baseline again.

I feel like a broken record. I really do. I know this is going to sound daft. But I’m trying. I’m back from A and E. I have a plan in place to meet two friends tomorrow, one of which knew from last time.

I don’t even know where to start. Everything is this giant unbearable lump in front of me. And I’m scared I’ll go back before I’ve even left. But I’m trying. I really 100% to the depths of my soul, am going to try.

i am trying to make a financial plan as he’s screwed me in that regard. I don’t know how to sort money as businesses are all in my name but I get nothing.

please if anyone knows of any instagrammers or whatever of women who have been through this and post about it I would appreciate the recommendations. I just need a little glimmer. Today was v v hard and I feel like I’m jumping out a damn plane, not having a chat with friends tomorrow

Please keep us updated, I really care whats happening to you. maybe one day you will be on here advising others about how you got through this. I used to ask my gran (who has passed away) for support and strength and it helped me . sending cyber hugs, you got this xx

Please go to someone you trust and show this thread to them. I am so sorry for you and all you are going through. However you also need to protect your children. Please do this for them. They can not be with this man who is abusing them too. Every bit of abuse they witness is abuse to them and is affecting them SO much.

You need to contact the police, this is complete coercion and control, you need to make a statement and have him arrested. The police will put bail conditions on him and he will not be able to enter the house. You need to file for divorce under the fact that he is beating you and abusing you, this is not just for you but your children also. Please do not worry about him if he says he will kill himself, believe me he won’t as he is a coward….all the talk is mind games. You need to take care of yourself and your children and get him out of your life, you can do this! You need to think that if he can do this to you, then he can do this to you’re children.

OP, I’m so sorry to hear you went back but I believe most women in DV situations leave around 4 times before staying away. So do not feel ashamed of this. Your husband is a psychopath. You say he’s been let go from his job for bullying and harassment, well that is the outside world reacting to his unacceptable behaviour. He has brainwashed you and trained you into believing the opposite of what is true, that you and he kids are the victims and he is the abuser. This is the worst case I have read where the woman is still alive. He will kill you. Please, please talk to Women’s Aid. It doesn’t feel like it now but there is a bright, calm future for you all. It will be a process and it won’t be easy but you will get there. Nobody deserves this. Nobody. He needs to be in prison.

Cross posting from the new thread as too tired to type it all

I am seeing my friends today, in about an hour. All day i have felt sick and panicked and a sense of no no, its in your head its fine. Part of it is because there is such a rush when he is 'normal' that everything else seems to fade away. Its such a rush of emotions and hormones and I end up feeling stupid for ever doubting him and that it wasnt that bad, I am just sensitive, he didnt mean it etc. I repeat his excuses in my head before he even says them and it soothes me.

He finally left for work this morning, left late and as he did smiled and waved as he put on Glass Animals' song, I think its called Airlock. And immediately I felt like i was insane to be making a plan, I needed to cancel, I needed to understand him more.

But then this morning before that point he was haranguing me. I had flinched bending down and he asked what. I couldnt say pain as he would start on how i was trying to guilt him so I said its nothing. Long story it led to him following me around the house demanding to know, telling me my face was a liar as it wasnt nothing on and on and on.

But i cant hold onto it. When I was in A and E he send me vile messages and I have to re-read them to remind me as I forget what was said. If you were to ask me THIS second what our issues are I will see hes abusive. If you ask me how I will not be able to tell you specifics, they all go.

I know the ADHD is an excuse but I dont know it if that makes sense. I know it because its obviously BS. But the only time he EVER addresses he is abusive is when he says he wasnt gaslighting it was ADHD and he 'thought so' but then he talks in endless circles. Until I feel insane.

Last night once I was back he slept super late becuase he wanted to get away from me. The last 2 weeks his abuse has ramped up significantly and he says its an ADHD thing (ill share it below I may have done already). I get that but then i dont get why you wouldnt SLEEP earlier, i offered to go to the sofa etc. Anyway he had to be up at 7-ish today to be on time. When the kids woke he said dont wake me until 8:30 (after he is meant to have left). If i dont wake on time itll be my fault he is late. So i left as late as poss (7:30) did everything else (got clothes out, bought the car around etc) and then woke him. He was angry I hadnt woken later and said I was abusive beacuase I was controlling his sleep and he 'never got any sleep around me' and thats why he was in this ADHD crash. I explained about work etc and he just kept saying shut up.

Once he was dressed he flipped the script and he had a go at me for him having to rush, that I knew he was delerious and verging on psychotic atm (he says he was psychotic when i left him last and it wasnt his fault) and that I should have pushed through and woken him. He denied everything he had said this morning and last night, said I made it all up etc. That he was a bit mumbly and out of it but never said wake later.

Then later he referenced it so he clearly DID remember and then when i tried to defend mysef he just said OK on repeat until he left.

The urge i have now to call and call my name has been eating at me for nearly 5 hours. I know hell just more 'hashes' but I honestly feel insane and like I need to clear it up but me trying to do so will give him more ammo

This is what I struggle with as if I hadnt recorded hald of this/written it as it happened on my notes I would completely forget. Then when he says its my fault whats he done I go blank. If i remember he just does such toxic speech things I end up curled up in a ball feeling insane

BUT I also feel if i call him and he just says 'its ok, im not angry with you' everything is ok and I am on cloud nine. It doesnt make any sense

I have JUST had this from him :/ :/ :/

The more you focus on trying to understand him, the less attention your kids get OP. You can't understand him. Stop trying and focus on getting away from him. If you can't then get your kids far away. They're learning all about relationships from you both.

Agree with the above poster. You can tie yourself in knots to try and understand. There is no ‘why’. And there is no magical explanation that will make it all stop hurting or make sense. Give yourself permission to be indifferent and focus on getting out.

You wont understand him because he doesn't understand himself, just enjoys the ego boost of being the boss. Please show your friends this post so they understand and ask them for support getting out of this alive. like another poster said, they can get an injunction preventing him from coming near your house, or move you away . Glad you are still alive and working on this x

Even if he did realise his behaviour is abusive, so what?

You’re still being horrifically abused regularly.

Your children are still living in a terribly abusive environment.

You and your children are still extremely unsafe and in immediate danger.

Trying to psychoanalyse him is just kicking the can down the road, it’s not making you or your children any safer. If anything it’s making you less safe as you’re spending time thinking about why he does what he does rather than taking action.

Based on your previous threads and this one, I’m so sorry but afraid that this all ends either with him in prison, you dead or both.

All your messages here show that his words don’t predict his behaviour.
Does he usually use colons when writing self serving self defences? I smell a machine learning rat.

My friends stage an intervention. The police came and i gave the statement. I am not OK

Thank god for your friends, they sound wonderful. I am really proud of you for giving the statement.

Hopefully it might actually make it easier in some ways as SS will likely give you a very clear choice now - continue to live with him or end the relationship, cooperate with proceedings and get support so your children can live safely with you away from their father your abuser.

I have everything crossed they can help you see how dangerous this environment is for you and the kids.

Well done for giving a statement that’s huge x

Well done OP. I know you may not feel okay now, you may not feel okay tomorrow either, or next week, or next month, but you need to hold on to the fact that at least you and your children will be here to SEE tomorrow, next week, next month, rather than counting down the days until you are killed.

You have took the step, please please please lean on your friends, tell them how you feel so that they do everything they can to stop you going back. Your babies need you.

I had one like this ( abuser / victim shift , manipualtor to the extreme deny, defensive then cryign with sorrow blaming x y z ) almost killed myself in the bath one night and woke up and flipped I was still scared and questioning every action for years but with everytime i held firm I feel stronger. If you get like that chat gpt is actually good for reality checking yourself you can ask it to create a running thread and add to it