I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Please leave.

We will all pray for you and your children.

Be as brave as you can be. Be as strong as you can be.

Just get out, we beg of you

You've got this , come on we're all behind you and here for support, in time this will be the best decision for you and your kids and you'll look back and be proud that you did this x

Go to your parents.
Today.

From personal experience, your children will hate you for not leaving.

You have the power to protect them & you are choosing not too. They wont forgive you. They are too little to protect themselves, it's your job to protect them.

They wont care why you didn't protect them, just that you didn't. They will grow up scared.

Your worst day is yet to come, it's when you realize that they hold you accountable for your lack of action.

You are as responsible as him for the damage he will cause them.

Just to say I think shouting at the OP when she is feeling vulnerable and weak is not helpful. The helpful replies are the ones filled with kindness and compassion

Leave today. You can do it. Just go and never go back. My mum did it. I did it. You can do it.

Can you not go to your parents today? Can you not gather your things before he comes home and leave?

You can speak with Women's Aid at your parents.

Please get out now

You've got choices. Your children haven't, at least until they're adults. Then they may well vote with their feet and have little to do with their toxic family.

Still waiting. It doesnt feel real.
Ive gone from terrified and sobbing to numb.
I feel almost silly. Like, time to crack on, up you get, laundry needs doing.
Its the same feeling I have daily after his outbursts. This cold icyness and then back to normal, feeling like ive been silly, crack on.

Will women's aid contact the police? Will i need to report him to them?

You can do it. Keep thinking of your children, and what they need. They need to be out of there, but they also need you. Xx

You cannot fix him

He is not your problem to solve

How/if he copes when you leave is not your problem

He does not love you.

You deserve better, you deserve to be free

YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER

Keep saying those things over and over.

If you aren’t strong enough for yourself, be strong for your children, do you want them to grow up to be like him ? Think that’s the way to treat a partner? Expect to be treated that way by a partner?
Tell your lovely supportive family you need them, you need their support & you’ll need help during/after the birth. Let them surround you with genuine love & care. You are strong because no one can survive what you have without being strong. Please, please pick up that phone & ring womens aid, tell them everything, doesn’t matter if it comes out jumbled, just let it out.
When you get away, block him on every channel, make sure any access to children is through official supervised visits (womens aid will advise how to do that) any threats of suicide, call 999 and ask for a welfare check on him.

Tell your midwife & health visitor what you are going through so they can properly support you with the pregnancy and new baby. You need some therapy to help you through this & womens aid/midwife & family can all help you access that help.

Good luck, sending you a handhold.

You have to leave, you have to break the cycle - your children will love you more for leaving believe me. I'm NC with my mum because she stayed in this situation and I cannot, even after 30 years, bring myself to forgive that, he moved on to the kids. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse - she left after we all left home because she'd rather us be brought up in an abusive, but not broken home.

Tell your dad everything today. It's really important that he knows.

Edited to say actually you said you grew up with this? Was your home situation abusive or did you mean something else? If the former don't tell your dad anything you don't want him to know.

If he's a good, decent man then ask him for help.

Without having read anything except your original post, all I can say is please don’t be so stupid as to stay another day. For your children’s said more than anything, you need to leave. Don’t let him give you any excuses because there aren’t any - none, no excuse for how he treats you except for that you let him. You will ruin your children’s lives if you stay. Think of them and go. Also - report him to the police and get a ‘domestic violence protection notice’ so he can’t come near you until longer plans csn be made. Tell all to your health visitor and midwife and then the child’s school. You need all the available professionals to help you and help
keel him away from you.

When is he coming back?

Can you not pack up now and leave?

you can message Women's Aid when you are safe

I am sure Women's Aid will say get to safety

How can you put your poor, poor children through this?

Get in your car, right now and drive to your mum’s.

Block your husband on your phone. Do not engage with him on any media or if he turns up at their house.

Get your sister to bring your children to you there.

Do not go back, whatever happens.

THEN phone Women’s Aid.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative.

This man is none of the above. He is intelligent and calculating. He has manipulated you into believing he cannot live without you.

BUT YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM.

Leave this piece of shit for the sake of your children.

He claims his childhood made him like this. Do me a favour. So he thinks it’s ok to behave in a way around his own children that will traumatise them for the rest of their lives.

Please get help.

The thing is, OP, that you WILL die if you stay much longer. His hatred of you - not love, hatred - and his temper means he's very volatile.

Put your children first.

Can the children stay with your sister longer term? Or with your parents?

It's one thing for you to choose to stay but your children don't have a choice. It's not fair to put them in an abusive household.

You are making more progress than you realise.

You know intellectually you need to leave.
You are being honest that you don’t know emotionally how to leave.
You are asking for help and support.

You are not alone and people on these boards know that you will move according to your timetable not ours.

You are in serious danger from this man so it is important that you follow Women’s Aid’s advice on how to progress safely. Be the proverbial duck and glide smoothly in your life with him whilst paddling furiously out of sight. Do not say anything about leaving to him. Don’t give him any impression that today is any different from yesterday. Take time in the privacy of your own head to work out what you want to do.

Don’t expect him to care about your feelings or to see the error of his ways if you could just explain things in the right way. He does not see you as a human being with equal rights but as a possession to serve his needs. He will never treat you fairly or well because he doesn’t want to.

You are worth so much more than this life and so are your DC.

OP, you have a supportive and loving family.

This is your lifeline.

All the things you say you are afraid to do? You WON'T be afraid when you don't live in constant fear.

The real things to fear are that he might actually kill you. And what would happen to your children then?
You might lose your children due to them living in such an unsafe and unhealthy environment.

You will certainly lose all ability to rescue yourself and your children, because that's what behaviour like his does: strips you of your self esteem, your self respect, your confidence, your strength and your ability to even know what is real.

Plan your escape. Get help from your family, Women's Aid (or similar in your area) , the police, and leave in a safe way. Don't give him clues or ultimatums, keep things as calm as possible, and then GO. If he is at home all the time you might need the police or assertive family members to escort you. Or pick you up from a supermarket car park - or whatever safe plan you make.

You are in the prime of your life, it is YOUR life. You may or may not find love in the future -but your chances will be stronger if you leave this death trap of a situation and spend some time healing and re-building yourself.

Well done OP, once you are away and not in daily contact this will get easier. You are being brave and you are being strong by leaving, you do need to get yourself and your kids out of there and they need you to so do it for them and try not to think too much now, just go.

Hang in there. Wait for them to answer. If you can't do it for yourself, do it to save your children from ending up like him.

This is all normal. Your brain is trying to rationalise things and keep you safe, and it knows that what you're doing is super scary. It wants to submit because that's the safest option. It's OK. Stay on the chat.

As far as I'm aware Women's Aid will follow what you want to do to keep you safe.

It will be OK. You are not being silly. You are taking care of yourself which is your most important job. You are putting on your own oxygen mask first.