I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

You need to rescue your DC by leaving.

They as well as you are in a horrifically abusive house and they will be suffering too.

Get in touch with women's aid and get out.

He will manage just fine without you. He is an adult and responsible for himself.

Put your DC first not last.

*He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me*

So sorry you are going through this

Please please contact Woman's Aid and get help to leave this man

Life can be so calm, fulfilling and beautiful, don’t let a man rob you of that. Madness lies that way.

He won’t change. Please leave

You sound so exhausted, and I dont blame you. He is not a good man, and won't change.
If you can't do it for yourself, do it because your children can't grow up in this environment. You might think you can shield them but you can't. Please don't let them grow up thinking this is normal, the sooner you leave while they are young the better.
I know it can be difficult to even think of telling your family, and you might even try and defend him if you do try and tell them, could you show them this post instead? So you don't have to say the words out loud? I know that can be the hardest part.

You know what? If he kills himself that's on him not you. Can you get your kids out safely?

Fuck me! Leave at the first opportunity. If he kills himself, really it just solves a problem for you. He is horrifically abusive.

If you can't put yourself before him , then put your children first. How horrific it must be for them living in this environment. They need to come first before him. Make some calls and get a plan together to leave

Please contact women's aid immediately. You don't have to live like this. Please leave for the sake of your babies.

Life will never be happy for you or your children whilst you are with him. This is the truth, he won't change.

Once you have left you can begin to heal. If he kills himself that's on him

Plenty of people experience the same trauma as him and don’t end up abusive arseholes. Leave him and don’t look back before he kills you.

I recommend you speak to women’s aid and start getting your ducks into a row to leave. Gather documents, squirrel money away, speak to your family.

If he kills himself so be it, it’s his choice

Please leave before he kills you. If he decides on suicide then no one can stop him. Has he ever hurt your children? Please get out and go to your family. You poor woman ❤️❤️

Leave for your children. One day he may turn on them. Don’t say he’ll never hurt them, I’ll bet my pension that there was a time when you thought he’d never hurt you. Best case scenario is your kids grow up thinking this is normal, your girls accepting this treatment, your boys copying it. Worst case scenario, he turns his abuse on them.

It’s him, or your kids, time to choose.

Think about whose life / happiness you are responsible for.

The answer is yourself and your dependants. Your children and unborn child are your dependants. A fully grown adult is not a dependant.

Your 5yr old will be aware of what is going on. They will have likely told someone at school what happens at home and if they haven't they will. Do you really want them growing up thinking what happens in their home is normal?

You say you have a supportive family. Make use of them. Get out please OP before he kills you and then becomes solely responsible for those kids...

Oh OP I know most people say you should leave (and you should) but I wanted to say it’s not insane for you to find it hard to leave. Look up trauma bonding.

Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t as easy as ‘just LTB’. Sometimes it’s takes years or multiple attempts to leave and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you are human and trying to untangle yourself from a mess is hard to mentally get yourself to agree to

also wanted to say the best thing I did was start going to a local church (a very liberal welcoming one), it gave me a place to go where kind people were and even though you don’t want to tell them the truth, it will give you a sense of community and safety. And if and when you feel you want to confide in someone they are often very very kind and understanding

For your children's sake, you need to leave.
Men like this are the ones who end up killing their partners/wives.

You're in great danger, OP.
Please go to the police.

Do your lovely family know how you're living OP? Because if not, please, today, tell one of them. Your mum, sister, someone. Or a friend. Tell them what you've said here. You need some day light thrown into this dark cage you're living in so you can see straight and think clearly. You need to break the silence and tell someone in RL. If you already have, tell them again. If you really can't, call a helpline. Just speak to someone in RL today.

He will kill you if you stay.

Please please ask your family for help to get out. You say they are loving and supportive so let them help you.

You need to save your children.

I sound so weak. I know all this. I wake up with plans and ready to go. I am the smarter one and the more successful one. All my friends are our friends. ETC. My family know and are begging me to leave.

But when i think about actually DOING it I go cold. I feel i need him. I logicate it and know i dont, in fact he needs me, but i cant explain it. Im the messed up one. Why cant i JUST FUCKING GO???? I even have my parents to go to!!!!

I just CANT. I cant do it. and I HATE myself for it. I can't think straight. My physical health is shot, my mental health, ive become cagey and snippy. I look like crap. I am exhasuted. I am useless. Say no one ever loves me again? Say IM the issue, im just truly unloveable?? I have endless checklists, do charity work, take care of local elderly, run a book club, volunteer with the school. But i feel like a fraud. Like im an ugle fat unloveable thing.

Im sitting here wanting to smack my head into a wall. I feel so scared. Why cant i just take that first step?? I did before. When he was put in prison. Then i went back. He didnt even ask for me back, back then. Its like im his mother, i feel SO responsible. He become even more withdrawn and i ended up wanting to go bak to take care of him. Im such an idiot

OP this was awful to read, I am so sorry you are in this situation, but you have to leave. He is a vile individual who only seems to find his own kind of happiness by abusing you.

Your first and only priority is you. However bad you think it will be on your own, it won't even be half at bad as the situation you are living in daily.
What he chooses to do when you leave is not your responsibility. If he can't fend for himself that is not your problem. As for any suicidal threats sound like another form of emotionally blackmailing you.

I can't say this strongly enough, but please contact the Police and / or woman's aid and leave. This situation won't get better, you deserve better. Please seek help and go. I really hope you find the strength to do this.

Oh OP you get ONE shot at life, just one. And it isn't the longest time, please don't spend it this way. You are worth so much more than this - every bad thought in your head about yourself is him, it's not you. You don't want your children to think this is acceptable in a relationship and there is a real chance he could kill you.

You need to leave immediately, if not for yourself, for your children. You are danger of being killed by him. Get in touch with woman's aid if you cannot face the police. Was there no Mappa provision after his last assault when he was convicted?

Why on earth do you feel guilty for wanting to leave someone who abuses you every day? FFS OP, you know exactly what is going on here. He's had a custodial sentence for abusing you and you took him back? You just got pregnant again by him? Please, please contact Women's Aid and get out. He's going to kill you one day and your DC are in this abusive household, seeing and hearing everything, thinking it's normal. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT.

think of your children. leave now. contact as many people who can potentially help and leave leave leave.

If you want to stay with this specimen when please ask SS to take your children to a safe space and abort the one you're carrying.

You don't get to stay with him. You need to get away from him for your kids. How can you not think of them?

Get out for the sake of your children if nothing else. My husband is the product of an unstable childhood like you describe and it affects him massively still as a grown man. Honestly you owe him nothing. Leave and block his number. He can't use mental health to control you. If he chooses to kill himself then that's on him.