I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Really struggling mentally today. I am so sad and confused and there are a thousand things I will never have answers for. 19 to 31 is a long long time.

It is a long time, but in the space of your whole life, it is just over a decade.

As someone with a quarter century more life than you, that's twice the period you have spent in terror. My life and career really started when I was 33 and I have now years of happiness since then than I had before.

You have learned so much. You have faced more than many people would ever fear and you have survived.

There is happiness for you in the future, as you live a better life without him, as you watch your children and your family, including you, flourish.

This, too, will pass. Take it one moment at a time. And we are here.

Tough times are part of the process, it's not easy, but you have done the hardest bits.

What you are battling for now is a better future - honestly from my great age I can assure you that there is a fabulous life to be had in your thirties, forties fifties and sixties!

Imagine spending all those decades in fear of your life and in an unhappy half life of misery and dread!

Can you get our for a walk, chat with a friend, do come baking or something to keep busy and keep your mind away from dwelling?

No one has all the answers, and that's ok. Also, omg the mistakes we have all made lol, jesus wept, not one of us are perfect. When I think to me at 19, so full of self righteousness and Miss Perfect, knowing it all, to me now at 55, realising I was as thick as a brick wall haha. Wisdom really is a waste on the young. Don't beat yourself up please, think of the things you have achieved, as we never give ourselves enough credit for surviving and getting by when things are tough, Hugs xx

I just feel really really alone at the minute. Insecure and stupid and friendless. Pathetic and worthless. I just cant find happiness or hope

Ive started having this really really bad flashbacks and my dreams have switched from nightmares to lovely dovey dreams where he tells me everything I had hoped to hear whilst we were together

@Forevertrappedhere i know it’s hard to believe but these feelings will pass, you will be happy again. You have undergone years of trauma and unfortunately that doesn’t resolve itself by leaving the situation. It does however remove you from being exposed to more harm. Healing is hardwork but you are doing so well. You’ve left and stayed away, that in itself is a huge accomplishment. You are so much stronger than you know, you can do this.

@Forevertrappedhere
That sounds horrible for you.

Aren’t dreams supposed to be your brain kicking out all the info it doesn’t need?

I am no expert but it sounds as if you have PTSD, which would hardly be surprising.

Some of my rage and hatred for abusers is the way they rob their victims of their security and self worth. You certainly are not pathetic or worthless.

I am guessing it was hard to make and maintain friendships while you were living with him?

Are there any support or survivor groups near you? Where you could meet women who have been through the same sort of thing?

You really are not worthless. You are worth so much more than the way you were treated.

Thinking of you

Dreams are the brain's way of processing. It's trying to work out what life could have been if he hadn't been abusive. It works out strategies in case you're back there in case you can stop it happening (you can't stop it), and it protects you from the relentless agony of remembering everything.

It's trying protect you now from the memories. It's trying to protect you in case you're faced with him again in the future. Its trying to protect you for the future by picturing what a good relationship might look like.

It's part of the healing. I hope you have comfort and support in your life and a good therapist.

You are still living through this. Every day you are surviving what he did. In time it will feel better. ❤️

Sending lots of positive thoughts to you. I’m early days in a similar situation. The trauma bond is so strong and I’m just devastated.
You’ve done so well, it sounds such a difficult situation but what’s given me hope is the amount of people on here years down the line that don’t regret it and come out stronger.
Youve got this.

OP - please keep posting. Get it off your chest because we are all here to support you.
Your dreams are not real life.
He is a bad person.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
( not shouting - I just want you to remember it)

Sending love and hope to you @Forevertrappedhere

I hope you are safe and well ♥️

I hope you are having a good Christmas OP and that you're safe and well xx

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

I made a new thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5524859-part-2-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

I am so sorry. For all of you who prayed for me, supported me and gave me the time, I am so so so so so so sorry to have wasted it all

OP I am here and I am begging you, call someone, your family want to help you. Call someone to come get you, tell him they are going to take you to get checked over, appease him, take the kids in the car and go. As soon as you and the kids are safely away from him ring the police. Today. You desperately need help and if you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your children, please.

OP this is one of the most perilous situations I've read on here. You need to leave and report him. Otherwise you will die at his hands, and with you gone the abuse will move on to your children. There is nothing more important than surviving this man.

I cant do it. I wish I was dead. Truly. I know what I am doing to the children. BUT the second I think to leave i feel like im crazy. Its in my head. I made him do it. Typing it now feels insane but I cant explain it. When i go to call for help, it as clear as the sky is blue that it is MY fault and that I did this somehow. That he is innocent and its his trauma. I cant explain it. it isnt like a choice. Its as clear as the laptop in my hands. And then once I go I am alone with the guilt and thoughts and I IMMEDIATELY feel like ive done soemthing wrong, like stolen a sweet.

You need professional help OP, and you are the only one who can take that step. Please please do- the rest you can be supported through, but I don’t want to see another news article tomorrow about a woman killed by her partner and her children left behind. They need you, your family need you, and you need them, please please get to safety and call the police.

They dont help. I have tried and tried. I know my brain is broken and the talking therapy makes the guilt and need to go back worse. I just feel so hopeless. And thick. SO angry at myself. I just wish I could get out of my head.

When you pass away (which wont be long living with that monster) he is going to convince social services he is the perfect dad and those children will be writing the same message on here in 20 years. Then they will go on to marry someone just as nasty, because they think this is normal. Is that what you want for your children? YOU are the only one that can rescue those children x

Of course not!!! Can you feel the carpet below your feet? Yes. Now imagine that its in your head. When i go to call the police thats how strongly I feel like im the abuser. That is why I cant leave. I know how utterly repulsive and pathetic i sound. This is why I want to be dead. There is no escape

You obviously got a rubbish councellor, there must be another one to try , you need to tell this to the police or whoever deals with domestic violence or your doctor, you know how when something in your house breaks if its rubbish you bin it but if its ok you get it repaired? I believe you are worth repairing. and it can be done, you have just had a rubbish repair person in the past. We dont even know your name or where you live (dont tell us on here) I truely hope someone will show this to a good councellor that can help. someones got to help you and your children . please keep us updated I sooo want to hear of you escaping that awful place you get to call home :( xx

The fact that you have returned here means that on a subconcious level you know you need help and to get out. If you don't this man could kill you. Call the police.