I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Really struggling mentally today. I am so sad and confused and there are a thousand things I will never have answers for. 19 to 31 is a long long time.

It is a long time, but in the space of your whole life, it is just over a decade.

As someone with a quarter century more life than you, that's twice the period you have spent in terror. My life and career really started when I was 33 and I have now years of happiness since then than I had before.

You have learned so much. You have faced more than many people would ever fear and you have survived.

There is happiness for you in the future, as you live a better life without him, as you watch your children and your family, including you, flourish.

This, too, will pass. Take it one moment at a time. And we are here.

Tough times are part of the process, it's not easy, but you have done the hardest bits.

What you are battling for now is a better future - honestly from my great age I can assure you that there is a fabulous life to be had in your thirties, forties fifties and sixties!

Imagine spending all those decades in fear of your life and in an unhappy half life of misery and dread!

Can you get our for a walk, chat with a friend, do come baking or something to keep busy and keep your mind away from dwelling?

No one has all the answers, and that's ok. Also, omg the mistakes we have all made lol, jesus wept, not one of us are perfect. When I think to me at 19, so full of self righteousness and Miss Perfect, knowing it all, to me now at 55, realising I was as thick as a brick wall haha. Wisdom really is a waste on the young. Don't beat yourself up please, think of the things you have achieved, as we never give ourselves enough credit for surviving and getting by when things are tough, Hugs xx

I just feel really really alone at the minute. Insecure and stupid and friendless. Pathetic and worthless. I just cant find happiness or hope

Ive started having this really really bad flashbacks and my dreams have switched from nightmares to lovely dovey dreams where he tells me everything I had hoped to hear whilst we were together

@Forevertrappedhere i know it’s hard to believe but these feelings will pass, you will be happy again. You have undergone years of trauma and unfortunately that doesn’t resolve itself by leaving the situation. It does however remove you from being exposed to more harm. Healing is hardwork but you are doing so well. You’ve left and stayed away, that in itself is a huge accomplishment. You are so much stronger than you know, you can do this.

@Forevertrappedhere
That sounds horrible for you.

Aren’t dreams supposed to be your brain kicking out all the info it doesn’t need?

I am no expert but it sounds as if you have PTSD, which would hardly be surprising.

Some of my rage and hatred for abusers is the way they rob their victims of their security and self worth. You certainly are not pathetic or worthless.

I am guessing it was hard to make and maintain friendships while you were living with him?

Are there any support or survivor groups near you? Where you could meet women who have been through the same sort of thing?

You really are not worthless. You are worth so much more than the way you were treated.

Thinking of you

Dreams are the brain's way of processing. It's trying to work out what life could have been if he hadn't been abusive. It works out strategies in case you're back there in case you can stop it happening (you can't stop it), and it protects you from the relentless agony of remembering everything.

It's trying protect you now from the memories. It's trying to protect you in case you're faced with him again in the future. Its trying to protect you for the future by picturing what a good relationship might look like.

It's part of the healing. I hope you have comfort and support in your life and a good therapist.

You are still living through this. Every day you are surviving what he did. In time it will feel better. ❤️

Sending lots of positive thoughts to you. I’m early days in a similar situation. The trauma bond is so strong and I’m just devastated.
You’ve done so well, it sounds such a difficult situation but what’s given me hope is the amount of people on here years down the line that don’t regret it and come out stronger.
Youve got this.

OP - please keep posting. Get it off your chest because we are all here to support you.
Your dreams are not real life.
He is a bad person.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
( not shouting - I just want you to remember it)

Sending love and hope to you @Forevertrappedhere

I hope you are safe and well ♥️

I hope you are having a good Christmas OP and that you're safe and well xx