I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

We are still here, OP. Hope you are in a place of calm inside and out.

Sending love xx ❤️

So good to hear that @Forevertrappedhere. I haven't said it here but I think about you every so often and wish you strength/peace. 🌻🌷🪻

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to ourhttps://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.
💐

@Forevertrappedhere there will always be support for you here. I’m so hopeful that you have found some sense of peace in the last 5 months and have managed to stay away from him. You are stronger than you know

@Forevertrappedhere

I'm glad you popped up to let us know you're doing ok.

Remember that you don't have to have 'joy' to tell us about. We're here through thick and thin.

Keep going forever. We are here for you and thinking of you. What an amazing inspirational woman you are. Lots of love and hope for your future.

I would never say this lightly, but I really do hope he fucks off and kills himself as he is an abuser of the highest order. I have dealt with this but not to the physical extent you are enduring. Im not medical, but I suspect he has borderline personality disorder from what you have stated about his past SA and his reaction to you 'rejecting' him. It is an almost impossible personality trait to deal with. You need to go to your family who you say love you, or plan to get away from him ASAP. You owe this to your children, if nothing else. I can not tell you how much being free has meant to me. I've had to start again, from very little, but I actually find myself singing around the house-I can't believe I'm writing this, but yes, singing! I didn't sing for about 20 years prior to being free. Anti depressants may help you get through the thick of it. He is his own problem, not yours or your childrens. Good luck OP.

@Forevertrappedhere Thanks for checking in, I am another who often thinks of you. Not that it is an obligation to check in: you don’t owe us anything, no pressure. And no judgement here, either.

Hold tight, remember that above all else, you matter. You matter.

You are doing it. Every single day - thankyou

Another one wishing you well. I hope you can free yourself from him and find support in your family.

Please leave this vile evil specimen, cannot believe you live like this 😔
Heartbroken for you.
Go to your family life is to short.
Kid's shouldn't be seeing this
Sending love and best wishes xx

She has left him. Please read all of her posts if you can't be arsed to read the full thread.

Rude!

This is someone's life. Not your entertainment. The OP has left him and has faced considerable difficulty emotionally as a result. Which you would know if you'd read the thread.

You are not wrong in your assessment, but we are trying be supportive rather than tell her what to do.

How is it "supportive" when it's weeks out of date? Not remotely helpful!!

OP, thank you for posting an update, it has brought your thread back up to current, which means I have seen it for the first time, and I have now read your posts from the beginning. I am struck by your self knowledge and awareness of what has been happening, and your deep, clear articulation of the feelings you have been battling.

I am glad you are ok. I hope that means that you are still free of him - that you managed not to go back, but I also want to reassure you that if you DID go back you can still post here. Yes, you will get some posters who don’t get it and think you don’t understand …or who haven’t even read the thread… but you will also get deeply experienced women who have been through something similar and who understand that leaving is a huge journey with many twists and turns. You will get women who can share their experiences and suggest advice and practical steps, no matter where you are in the journey. And you will get a lot of people who care about you. Because you ARE loveable. And loveable by people who are healthy, balanced, and kind. You are surprised by how many people keep coming back and are thinking of you. I’m not. We care about what you are going through. We don’t blame you, we blame him. And you deserve safety and love, We want you to have this space to express everything you are going through and to receive the support you need and deserve.

I will definitely be checking in, and am sending you strength and love. Xx

How are you doing OP? I want you to know that ever since I first read this thread I think of you often. I hope you're ok, that you're staying safe, that life is getting better for you.

Ditto - you're (OP) regularly in my thoughts and I'm quietly urging you on 💗

I know it's been some time and you don't owe us an update @Forevertrappedhere, but I think of you often.

I hope you are safe. ♥️

Hi all

Well. I messed up. I went back after he found me and begged and begged.
Things got worse and worse. He broke my ribs, bit me and burned me. 7 weeks ago I fled. For good this time. I am having psychotherapy. I have got my friends involved this time. We are going through SS. I want to press charges but feel too guilty. He has discarded me, come out as bi officially, is sleeping around, wearing make-up, changed the way he speaks to more 'cockney'.

I am not in a great headspace but surviving. I have flashbacks and am struggling with the discard and being free and having so much to do and there is just so so so so much.

But I am free. And this time I am never ever going back.

❤️

Please don't be hard on yourself for going back. It's all part of the trauma bond and the cycle of abuse. They are SO convincing when they're in that stage of being lovely, they'll do and say anything to get you back.

The main thing is you've got away again. Use this now to draw strength if/when you have a wobble again and feel like you want to go back. Remember what happened when you went back. Keep doing the therapy too, that will help.

I think you should press charges but I realise it's not that easy. Could you for now maybe just log it with the police? Keep going. You're doing really well.

I sound so stupid. 'This time I am never going back'.
But I am not.
I am in therapy. I am having the tears and the anger. I am journalling nightly. Walking daily. Resting. Working through the flashbacks. God I am an idiot. The trauma bond is what I REALLY struggle with. Towards the end I remember thinking if the last thing I see is you smile as you kill me itll be worth it. Now I am like WTF WTF WTF