I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

You're not stupid at all. Trauma bonds are horrific and those who have never been in one will never truly understand just how hard it is to break free. I'm still in the process now (the abuse in my situation wasn't anywhere near as bad as yours) and it's the hardest thing I have ever done, even now I can't promise 100% I won't go back. So I truly get it. You just need to take each day at a time. Every time you get through another day without going back, it's a win. And over time it will get easier 💐

Please show this to your midw

It sounds like you got the help you needed. I hope you moved somewhere he can't find you.

You don't need to make a decision on whether to go to the police right now. It's okay to wait until you're in a better headspace, or never do it at all. Keep medical evidence, presumably you went to hospital and/or notes and photos were made? Fwiw it's not all down to you whether to press charges - that decision is made by the CPS. Even then, you can make a police statement without going any further than that. It might help other people (Clare's Law) but it's not your responsibility.

Well done OP - you’re doing so well!

Oh sweetheart don't be so hard on yourself. It can take more than one attempt to leave an abusive partner. I'm truly hoping this is the time that works for you.

What a difficult and horrible experience you have had!

I am so sorry he has done this to you.

None of it is your fault. This is down to him. We are here to support you, not judge you. I am also sorry if you felt you couldn't tell us about the latest violence because you went back.

It takes an average of 7 times before women are able to leave forever. Some will take more and some fewer. It's hard to leave and men make it so you're dependent financially and emotionally.

I'm glad you're getting help.

We are here for you. We will see you through.

Hey OP, I am so relieved to hear from you.

So glad you have some therapist support.

Please please do not consider yourself an idiot or blame yourself for any of this. The future is yours, look forwards

And do keep posting OP. We know it is a long process , untangling yourself from the effects of abuse.

Aw mate! Thank goodness you’re free now and you survived. This man is an absolute psycho! Please consider reporting him, it could protect another woman in the future from being killed, the man is unhinged. Proud of you for leaving either way, that’s the important thing and you need to prioritise your recovery.

I expect everyone here is well aware that it can take multiple attempts to leave before it sticks forever - no judgement from me that you went back, only relief that you survived him again and finally have your eyes fixed firmly on your future.

💐

Thank you. I am struggling with not being entrenched with the family. So much has happened but I just feel drained. I am trying to sort out our new home and stay ontop of work. I took all of August off after I left as was in too much pain to drive etc. So now trying to get ontop op it all. I am flat out there is so much to organise. It is up at 6am and no sitting until 9pm as I am also working every hour I can

Physically its meh but mentally I am in such a bad place. Esp since the discard. He has done a personality transplant and is acting like a whole new person. New accent, new clothing sense, hooking up with men. make-up. Its making me believe the stuff he said about me causing him to be abusive by making him feel ashamed for who he really was as this new person must be the real him? But I never made him ashamsed, I worked to pay for therapy, I said I would do anything and often did, I turned a blind eye to so much to let him be happy

Does the change in personality help you disconnect from your intense feelings for him? Is it easier to detach now?

You have been through the mill and none of it was your fault.

You are not responsible for him. It's not because of anything you did or said.

This is still classic abuse. The so-called personality change lets him tell a story where he is the brave, misunderstood one, not the man who used violence. He's deflecting the blame for his violence onto you, when violence is a choice - his choice.

The abrupt switch keeps you off-balance and questioning what was real, which keeps him in control of you even though you've left.

He's getting worse because you've left a second time and he's trying to get you back to be his punchbag again.

You are strong. You're getting through this. He is a side show that is distracting and meant to get your attention. He's like a pop up ad that you have to try and get rid of but every time you click the X in the corner it takes you to the app store.

It's really hard, but you can do this ♥️

You've done so so well to get away even if it doesn't feel like it. I've been in a similar situation to you in the past, and completely understand that yo-yo of leaving then going back. I lost count of the number of times I left my ex then returned. The last time I left I remember him saying "see you next week then" as I walked through the door as he knew I'd go back- thankfully I never did that time.

You're not mad and there is nothing wrong with you. As you've mentioned before it's the trauma bond that is so tough to overcome but is SO worth it in the end. I left my abusive ex 9 years ago with nothing. Now, my life couldn't be more different so please, please just hold in there until those intense feelings pass and you see him for who he really is all the time. He is a worthless waste of space who doesn't deserve you. You're not responsible for him, his mental health, the fact his parents disowned him- none of it. You can't save him from himself and you never could, nor should you have to.

This is a man who thought it was acceptable to tear away your self esteem and physically injure you. He could have killed you and your children and you all deserve a life free of that kind of torture. Please keep seeing your therapist and make sure they specialise in helping people who have experienced abusive relationships. Even if you feel like you don't want to go to sessions, force yourself to. Over time your feelings towards him will change, if you give yourself that time, trust me, I promise you they will. Imagine what your life will be like 1,2 years from.now free if all that stress, abuse and worry. You HAVE to cut all contact with him to allow yourself to get over this ordeal. You owe him nothing but this is something you must do as soon as possible if you still have contact in any way. I wish you the very best of luck, you deserve it 💐

You've not been discarded, you've been released.

I had a call from him on witheld. We used the ASDA rewards app as a couple and he wanted me to give him the verification code so he could log in to log out. He wanted to log into his own old account. I should mention here he lost his job and is v tight on money now. He had already asked me this a few days ago and I had sent the code so this time I said no as I was worried he would use the vouchers I had saved on there. He was doing his poor me voice etc and stuttering and all sad and telling me he was hungry and had no money. He didnt like it when I said no.

He flipped out at me. 0-100 in seconds. Called me a C, W, told me he wished I was dead, wanted to kill me, die, preferably in a painful manner. I just froze and couldnt do anything. I put the phone down and then emailed him the code. All I could think was he was going to keep calling if I didnt but also I started to feel really panicked and sad and tell myself he was acting like this cos depserate and I was being a bitch and making life harder for him.

He replied to the email immediately with 'good bitch'

I fucking hate it here

Showing his true side. And you did the safe thing.

But block his number now. And don't answer any number withheld. If he does get through just close the call and block.

Contact Asda to get a new account and separate from his. Ask them to transfer the vouchers.

You're doing the best thing to keep yourself safe.

Sending love ❤️

Threatening to kill you - have you informed the police? Are you aware of the 8 step timeline in domestic femicide? He is still dangerous. https://www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides

His ‘nice’ , pathetic, needy, showy side is FALSE.

The nasty side is the real him.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

So sorry to hear you’ve suffered more abuse OP. I’m so glad you’ve left, and have support and therapy in place. Be kind to yourself. Every day you are healing, every day you are further away from the harm he caused. Happiness and calm evenings are ahead.

Got really really down today. Im trying to get in the headspace to press charges but feel guilt when it comes to my elder child. The police are involved as just before I fled this time neighbours made several reports. Ironically the police came the day I fled so it all happened at once. My elder DC spent the morning with their Dad (handover from a local shopping centre). I was very down, hadnt slept well, period, mild cold and struggling with flashbacks, namely my previous losses and one specific strangulation event (not for what he did but how I felt whilst it happened).

Anyway DC came back late at 3pm. As I got him in ex said I looked nice. I said nothing. He then suddenly moved to brush my hair out my face and I jumped back and thre hands up. He then mocked my appearance and scars and walked off without saying by to DC.

I ended up going into the shopping centre and we used a voucher to get an early dinner. Came home and did some journalling. Cleaned the bathroom. Did laundry. Cut DC nails, shower and story. Did some yoga with elder DC and have just put them down for bedtime. Posting on here and then doing some work admin so classifying today as a win. Some days are so so so hard though.

You are winning! I can't imagine how horrible it felt when he touched you! I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling so awful still.
Don't feel guilt for pressing charges. It is an important step at putting this all to an end and to keep you safe. You are very strong and managing a trip out and making sure the kids are all sorted is amazing. You are not falling apart like you may feel you are ❤

Please press charges. Do it for the younger you, the one before any of this, who had so much hope and love to give. Do it for the future you, who will be so proud you were so brave and protected the safety of you and your children. Do it for your children, they would never want their mother to suffer more than she already has. You are modelling to them that abuse and violence in relationships is not normal or okay. Every moment is a moment closer to the life you want, free of fear and torment from him. Believe in yourself, keep going.

Today is a win. A big win.

From your reaction, it sounds as if he is very frightening to you, even just approaching you.

I wonder if you could get a third party, like a relative or friend, to do the handover. That way you don't have to see him.

You may also want to go to court and get a non-molestation order so he can't come near you. I don't know how happy you are letting him see the children, so you may want to ask a court about that.

I also agree about pressing charges. He should be jailed and then he can't hurt you.

You are winning. Look at you supporting your children and keeping them safe and cherished.

It's going to get better. Hang in there. Xx

I can't imagine how that felt OP, but just look at how you dealt with it! You are amazing. Keeping going when everything's fine is one thing. Keeping going when we just want to curl into a ball, that takes real guts.

My ex wasn’t violent but he was everything but. Reporting him and getting a non harassment order was the best thing I ever did. It brings them down a peg or two and shows you’re done taking any shit. It could stop him trying to intimidate you and actually a third party for handovers will be better if he can’t behave. Disgusting pig he is. Hope you’re ok