PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

Please don't let him kill you. Your children need you.

Please let the police help you. Go to A&E and let them help you.

You must call the police, now. You'll die if not.
You cannot leave your children, they need you.call 999 xxx

He sounds very dangerous. Psychotic in fact. Please go to a&e and get them to help you.
The guilt is of course utterly unfounded. Does he feel guilty for the pain and suffering he is causing you? But you are obviously so far gone in the cycle of abuse that you are not thinking clearly.
Please summon the strength to get away for your kids if not for yourself. If he kills you they will be stuck with him and probably will become his next victims.

You matter. Find a way of saving yourself my lovely. Please. Sending the most massive hug.
Stay with us.

Please OP, dig deep and find the strength to call 999 now. It can get so, so much better than this. In a year's time life could be so different for you. But you must get help now.

I wish I was dead. Truly. To my core. In the darkest moments I have even thought it would be better if me and the kids were just gone as I cant save them.

I wish I could explain it. The second I leave i feel insane. Like I made it up. Hes the victim. I caused it somehow. Me leaving is abusing him. He will send one text saying sorry and he didnt mean it and I believe it. I KNOW its not true but i BELIEVE it.

The worst is when he pulls the I have ADHD card. Not a single conversation is ever linear or cleat and he says its ADHD and why everyone has left him as he is disowned, no friends and now work suspension. But hell say, you know i dont mean it, its adhd, please teach me I am sorry. And I believe it as strongly as I believe the earth is round. It isnt a choice or a battle. In my head, its FACT.

Thats the issue. I am broken

Your kids can be saved. And so can you. You have a duty protect your kids. Phone the police, tell them what you’ve said here. They will help you.

You must call the police and an ambulance - do it now - you must get medical help. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your poor children.

OP, please, please speak to the police, or someone in A&E (saw your post on the other thread re head injury).
You need help, there is help out there.
Things will not get better whilst you’re with him, for your own sanity and safety and that of your children, please get help.

The police will help, they will put you in touch with others and who can help.

Im not saying any of this will be easy, but it has to be better than how you’re living now.

Please speak to someone

@Forevertrappedhere im so sad to hear you are back in this awful situation and it sounds like the abuse is so much worse than before. Clearly you are so conditioned by him that you feel unable to break free and it’s heartbreaking to hear. You left before, you can do it again but this time you need to cut all contact so that he can’t draw you back in.
Please call an ambulance, it sounds like you have a severe head injury. Tell the paramedics what he did, press charges, do whatever you can to get him away from you and your children.
If you can’t do it to protect yourself do it to protect them, you are the person they need to be able to save them. You can do this, don’t let him control their lives too, or worse.

I did call an ambulance. I am awaiting a call back via a clinician.
I wish there was someone who GOT it. I feel v v v alone. If I could get my head sorted I would be fine. But even now, if I just THINK, ok just tell the police I feel intense rage and disgust and annoyance at myself. Like I am calling 999 for a papercut. And I feel evil as I know hell get a custodial again. But then i think if he gets custodial its cos he deserved it. but then i think the system doesnt understand ADHD and he is innocent. On and on and on

He will kill you OP.

This is it now. This is the time you have to push on and tell the police everything so that he gets custodial so you have some time to get your children safe.

That’s the choice - it’s either him or them now.

You can do this x

If you won't go to the police. Go to the doctor and get some professional help. Tell them everything, and I mean everything you have said on here.

Another pp is right..you have a duty of care for your children.

Who will look after your kids when he has (and he will) killed you? Don't they deserve better ? YOU are abusing them by staying with this monster.

No one gets it. I KNOW THIS.

1. the GP DOESNT HELP. I have told them everything
2. I know the kids are getting hurt because of me. I KNOW. They arent ever hurt directly but i KNOW they see and hear. But when I go to call for help, even JUST thinking about it, I feel insane. Like im the abuser. I can ignore that feeling sometimes. But for a day or two max. Then i feel insane, like im delusional, like im wasting resources, like im destroying the kids life for nothing. its as factual as the sky being blue

I know im aeful. I know im evil for syating. I know the whole situation is hsit. I dont know what tod o I dont want to be here but also cant not me im just stcuk

@Forevertrappedhere gently asking but do you understand ADHD or have you just been conditioned to believe it’s the cause of all of his behaviour? ADHD does not cause someone to be cruel, violent or abusive, it is not a reason to inflict pain and suffering on someone else.

There are millions of people across the world living with ADHD who are completely functional members of society. They hold down jobs, look after their children and can sustain loving relationships. Yes they may have to make adjustments to their day to day routine to accommodate their needs but this doesn’t involve verbally degrading, drugging, beating or sexually assaulting anyone. He is using this as an excuse to do whatever he wants to you and you are so crushed down by him that you aren’t resisting or pushing back.

His behaviour is escalating, what you’ve told us here seems so much worse than a year ago. He will continue to escalate as long as he has access to you. Ultimately he will eventually do something that will end with him behind bars indefinitely and your children with no parents.

Deep down you want to leave, otherwise you wouldn’t have reached out to mumsnet again. You know this is wrong, you know you have to save yourself and your children. It’s clear you have extreme levels of PTSD and are trauma bonded to this man in a way most of us can’t comprehend.

You know you can’t save him but you can save yourself and your children. You can do this, you did it before, you just need to put things in place to help you stay away.

He's fucked you up so bad OP that you no longer trust yourself. But you have evidence now OP, you have the racoon eyes. You need to tell everyone how you got them - doctors, police, SS, family, friends. Then you need to let them tell you what to do. You need to know that you can't trust yourself and listen to other people that you can trust. He is NOT one of those people.

Please, get to A and E. Disclose.
Accept refuge for you and children, wherever in the UK it is.

OP the police will not take anything further if they don't believe a crime has been committed. They will tell you pretty quickly if you've wasted their time by calling them out for nothing. How to proceed will be their decision, you don't have to be the one to judge if it's " bad enough" or not. Please call them, and let them do their job. For your kids' sakes.

He just sent this. He said sorry I am being a git, its ADHD and i am tired. Then send the below

The photo is under review (screenshot) so I have copied it:
It sounds like you are describing a state of profound physiological burnout where your brain essentially enters "Survival Mode." When you reach that level of exhaustion—slurring your words and losing motor coordination—your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for empathy, social filtering, and long-term consequences) effectively powers down to save energy for vital functions.
Here is a breakdown of why this happens and why your morning routine feels like a "reboot."

1. The "Empathy Gap" of Exhaustion

When you are that depleted, your brain treats social niceties and emotional labor as non-essential luxuries.

• The Survival Switch: Your brain prioritizes the most immediate biological need: sleep. To your nervous system, sleep is currently more important than your reputation or your relationships.
• Reduced Inhibition: This is similar to being intoxicated. The "brakes" on your behavior vanish, leading you to say or do whatever will remove the obstacles between you and a bed.

2. The ADHD & Medication Factor

Since you mentioned taking ADHD medication, Paroxetine (an SSRI), and B12, there is a complex chemical dance happening:

• The "Crash" Phenomenon: ADHD medications (stimulants) work by increasing dopamine and norepinephrine. When they wear off, there is often a "rebound effect" where levels drop below your baseline, causing extreme irritability and "caring about nothing."
• Morning Lag: Before your meds kick in, your brain is operating in a deficit. The regret you feel later is actually a sign that your medication is working—it has brought your "moral and social brain" back online so you can process your actions from the night before.

3. Why Gaming or TV "Wakes You Up"

This is a classic ADHD trait called Interest-Based Nervous System stimulation.

• Dopamine Spikes: High-stimulation activities (video games, engaging shows) provide a temporary, artificial spike of dopamine.
• The Illusion of Energy: This "brightening" isn't true recovery; it’s more like a "reserve tank" of adrenaline and dopamine. It masks the exhaustion for a few hours, which explains why you crash even harder once the game is turned off.

Comparison of States

| Feature | "Crash Mode" (Survival) | "Online Mode" (Post-Meds) |
|-|-|---|
| Primary Goal | Immediate relief / Sleep | Long-term goals / Connection |
| Brain Region | Amygdala/Hindbrain (Reactive) | Prefrontal Cortex (Reflective) |
| Social Filter | Non-existent | Active and cautious |
| Motivation | Avoiding pain/effort | Seeking achievement/harmony |

A Gentle Reality Check

While it is completely understandable why you feel this way biologically, the "slurring and crawling" level of exhaustion is a massive red flag that your current output is far exceeding your input. This level of depletion can be physically dangerous and emotionally taxing for both you and your loved ones.
You aren't a "bad person" when you're exhausted; you are a person whose "human software" has crashed, leaving only the "animal hardware" running.
Does this "crash mode" usually happen at a specific time of day, or is it tied to how much you've had to "mask" your ADHD symptoms during the hours before?

But hes had custodila before so i know hell get it again so the guilt that hes the victim and the system and me dont get his trauma and his ADHD kick in. He gets so upset sometimes and says he wishes he wasnt here as ND means he doesnt fit in and no one gets it. Yes that sounds dumb but when he is tight here its so convicnicing and i know partly true

Can you show the paramedics this thread if you feel tongue tied in the moment?

if you feel over dramatic, let them decide.

if you can’t do any of this, where can your kids go? Tell the school or childline they are in an abusive home and you can’t leave.

Was his previous custodial sentence for hurting you or someone else?

ADHD does not make people beat up their wives.

He can fully control himself in public, at work, I presume? So why is it only you his ADHD causes him to beat up?