Don’t know what AIBU means but 28 had mortgage with gf at 22 and walked in on her and a guy now treated like I’m a child again because things have been hard

[Foleyator]

I find it hard what to write not great at articulating.
finished school (28 now) and got a scholarship in finance spent years working from 17. 2 older brothers and father all in a trade. Managed to save enough to get a mortgage on a place with my first love was with her for 7 years. After 3 months I walked in one day and a guy was in my bed with her. I left and it was hard and had to go back with parents. This caused me to drink or other things and I had a hard time (always working) now I have got things together but it’s still not easy. I recently had my vehicle crashed into and I lost my deposit and didn’t have gap insurance currently now in a very seducled location with my parents and 40 mins to the nearest bus stop. They open all my post and they tell me because of my times when I was depressed and drinking that I shouldn’t get another car. They tell me there’s no point getting all the work I try to get (I do a trade now too) because im just going to waste the money. All my family drink every night without fail they need to. A lot aswell. They constantly tell me im an alcoholic because while I was in a bad way I did have drink one day in the morning. I agree it’s bad but I don’t drink daily and I cannot pull them up on their drinking without them going mad but I have to just take it being me with the huge problem. I even have gone to AA meetings which I found really good but me doing so has been used against me asking why I went to the meetings. They don’t realise they have a problem I feel proud I can atleast admit these moments I’ve had are wrong and have tried my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again. My question is how do I approach them and get them to actually respect me. It really hurts that I’m told there’s no point getting a van because of things in the past or there’s no point me working everytime I win some work I tell my parents and I’d love them to be happy for me but instead it’s ‘you’re just going to waste the money anyway’ and when this is the response sometimes I actually feel like maybe they’re right. What’s the point :/ but I’m focused on staying strong and proving them wrong but it’s not easy. Shouldn’t the people closest to me be helping me and building me up not pushing me down ?

Are you still drinking heavily?

Your family sound very very concerned about you and i have to say… i think i would. e too

Is the house in your name? If it is yours, your ex needs to move out so you can move in. If it was joint, you sell it and get your own place.

Either way, move out. To your own place, shared accommodation, whatever. Just go, be happy, surround yourself with people who you genuinely like and who are decent people.

Do you give your parents money for drink? If you do that sounds like why they don't want you to buy a van/car etc

Do you think you're an alcoholic?

In theory, parents are supportive and helpful and so on.

If thats the case, great.

Unfortunately in practice, many parents are not supportive, not helpful, have their own problems they haven't yet resolved or have no interest in resolving... ie they're humans and have flaws too.

If your parents are flawed and aren't supportive - you are not going to turn them into the parents you want.

That is the bottom line. So either you sort yourself out, move out, live your life for you... or you waste your time attempting to turn these people into who you want them to be.

Take it from someone who has already tried that, it doesn't work, it will never work and they'll take you down with them.

FWIW it sounds like you do understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy drinking habits and you're probably ready to move away from them, or at least put into motion the things you need to, to achieve that in the near future.

My first day here so when I reply should I say ‘quote’ to your comment? And no. I don’t know if my post was really hard to read but I have drunk in binges especially moving back with them but I will not drink for weeks and only will if there’s an event and have a few (a wedding or a dinner at a resturant) but then when Ive been eally down. It’s been 6 months since I’ve drunk badly as I have been better in my mental health. I’ll be honest though I’m writing here because I’m close to going off the rails again. I know it’s wrong I know I shouldn’t but it’s like there’s a big red self destruct button and I have pressed it in the past when these things happen. I am different to my family they’re all the same and I have always been different and it means nothing but I have a high iq but With quite bad ADHD (self diagnosed and told by my family) I was the only one to do something academic now im doing the trade they all do and because I wasn’t happy in accounting. I started the trade at 23 and my brothers started at 16 I’m always told I’m not suited to this but I’ve worked well earned good money and when someone close to you tells you the profession you’ve worked so hard on for 5 years isn’t suited to you it gets to you. They was given partnership of my dads company at 23 and made so many awful mistakes and lost work but they don’t have me working with them I find my own work when I never come close to the mistakes they made. Again I’m so rubbish at writing what’s in my head and once again I know you won’t understand. The fact is my brothers also have a past which is really really bad but I’m still judged in everything I do but I wouldn’t judge them because I want to help them but also know that There’s no point in me judging them I just want to be there when they need me. for example They are embarrassed if I was to even have a conversation with someone in public that I don’t know, so I can’t be myself around them. they drink everyday and do other things I do not. I’m the problem though. The youngest in the family. I got a mortgage younger than them I studied more than them I have more qualifications. I’ve admitted I have issues knowing they have more deep substance issues and also confirmed by some of my friends that know them and have gone clean. I’m just stuck and I don’t want to press that button again but I feel lost

I understand what you’re saying but do you see that my family are heavy drinkers and I have these moments of stupidity and I can admit that and I don’t think being told theres no point in me moving forward is helpful. The problems I have id love to have some support. I have achieved a lot in comparison to my siblings and I never judge anyone yet I am judged everyday and I cannot mention anyone else’s problems. I’m just curious to how to go forward. My parents even now are 8 beers (dad) 2 bottles of wine (mum) like every night and I can’t even have dinner with them because I will just get ridiculed, being sober and being told I’m an alcoholic when they can’t go a day without isn’t easy

Thank you so much, this really resonates with me and I’m glad I put this post up even though I still feel sick putting my personal information online. I am extremely grateful for you message and from the few good people i have they say similar to this. I just have an overwhelming need to have my parents and my 2 older brothers approval and as much as I pretend I don’t. I really do! I know some of my choices have been really bad but I feel like I’m the only one who can admit that. The thing that is really hard is because I’m now in the family trade I always am told by my mum that I could’ve been working with them but I messed it up. I did. I can’t bring up about the work my brothers lost at my age because of things I’d never do but they have my dads business. Because of that period of my life I was working and earning but because I was making bad choices I found myself in debt but paid that all off finding my own work. Isn’t that something that should be respected? Every now and again my brother asks me to work for him because he needs me then if we have a disagreement outside of work he uses my wages against me. Will tell me he won’t pay me. I have a good partner now - the best. I’ve just gotta stick with it and not give in. I can’t tell you how much I want to achieve that independence. The last 18 months I’ve had obstacle after obstacle. I know moving out of here as soon as I can is the best course of action and I just need to keep it together

Sorry I may have not been clear but no I do not drink daily. They do. I live with them but I have made some mistakes in my past and drunk in the morning when I was depressed and because of them rare occasions due to mental health they say I shouldn’t ever get a vehicle. Which is hard to hear because I have my license for 11 years and have 0 points ever. My record is completely clean.
i don’t think I’m an alcoholic but I still went to meetings because of these incidents. I think they are alcoholics because they drink everyday without fail and cannot go without but I can never say that because if I do it’s world war 3

Time to forget what everyone else wants for you, and time to start discovering what you want.

Also, you must have some claim on the house you bought with your gf? Time to get tough and live your life for you, get that money back and start building your own foundation.

ADHD is shit, but I promise you can find your own way, you have done it before. Identify what you goals and values are (no one else's) and start taking any steps towards those.

Some counselling would really help with this.

You can do it.

You think they're all alcoholics, but somehow you're not?
Despite AA?

Op, things sound tough- would you consider something like https://andysmanclub.co.uk for support?

1. What happened to your house and the mortgage ?
2. It's not clear what deposit you lost ?
3. What is gap insurance ?
4. Are you actually working right now
5. Time to move out of the parents home
6. Find a rental
7. Return to AA
8. Stop drinking
9. Get help for your mental health - speak to your GP and in the meantime as already suggested Andy's Mans Club is for you.

Thank you so much im
still bemused (maybe the wrong word sorry if so 😂) that flat I had when I see him there I left and my ex said that guy would be living there with her and because it was 50/50 me and her I was obliged to still pay half of everything. My parents told me the only way out was bankruptcy and honestly I had money and a job but my life then was a blur and I went bankrupt and give me half to the bank. I felt like nothing would ever make me happy. I rented as my parents rented their home when I left and started building a place. and they stayed in a mobile home on the building site so I had nowhere to go. That’s when it got hard. I’ve had a good upbringing but (I make them right for this) never would give handouts they give my brother their business but they wouldn’t give me a penny because it was my mistakes. I done the bankruptcy and my ex lived there with the guy I walkeD in on. Eventually she was evicted for not paying the mortgage and owed a huge sum. Lucky I listened.

again I’m so bad at putting my thoughts to paper. The main thing is I still don’t know ‘who I am’ or ’what I love’ as a child I was high achieving. I boxed for England youth (although i knew I was too nice to go further) and I also uploaded to YouTube gaming during the upcoming of KSI and the sidemen and was friends with one of them. I stopped and got my accounts scholarship because my parents said to.

once again
ive read your reply 10 times and the only thing I keep thinking is how do I find my values, what I want, who I am?

i know I’m unbelievably lucky to have been born in this country to have a home, I know 3.8 billion people in this world don’t even have drinking water in their home.
again my family are different, I said to my brothers. We’re so lucky to have been born in this country. They’re opinion is well obviously because our ancestors worked for this and that. It’s infuriating. Can’t even understand what I mean when I said that.

who am I? Not sure

I know that I have values and morals and empathy more than my closest family, but that’s as far as it goes

in my head this message would’ve been much shorter and concise but it’s hard for me. Also I feel really vulnerable putting it out so the world can see if there a way to not do that lol

If your own sobriety is fragile you really do not want to be living in a household of heavy drinkers. The problem with alcohol is it blurs the lines of reality, and its very easy to come to believe things that aren't true. Because youre all drinkers its not possible to tell if they are negative and unsupportive and trying to manipulate you, or if they are trying to support you and see things you're in denial about, iyswim? The only way for you to get clarity is to stop drinking altogether and seek some professional support. You need to move out from your parents or at least learn to disengage from them while you're there. You need to be with yourself and impartial people who can support you.

I didn’t once say I wasn’t did I?

if anything I said multiple times I know my mistakes and what I’ve done so I’ve gone to these meetings?

im interested in your response because I feel like a heavy consistent drinker is an alcoholic and my binges that I’ve had would mean I have an alcohol problem.

im not sure about the terminology but I never stated I wasn’t.

i mean the first thing you say in AA is hi (your name) and in an alcoholic. So yeah it’s be weird if I said I wasn’t wouldn’t it

Your relationship with your parents sounds difficult and, in your shoes, I'd be looking to move out as soon as possible. Not only will it be better for your continued sobriety, it'll also improve your mental health to not be belittled every day. Put some distance between you, both physically and emotionally.

you don't have to be a heavy drinker to be an alcoholic, it's the frequency and the need.

‘Despite AA’

going to AA is someone seeing their problem and getting to a point to make a change.

are you saying if I didn’t go to AA it means I don’t have a problem?

i would going to AA is something 95% of alcoholics do not do. Because it’s hard.

this is the issue that you’re implying AA is negative?

im not sure if you drink but I thought the same AA is full of wasters and down and outs

its extremely surprising because them meetings are full of people that are exceeding and happy members of society. People that are healthy happy and empathetic.

as you can imagine an alcoholic wouldn’t be able to commit to a meeting 3 times a week.

a recovering alcoholic does

I mean the first thing you say in AA is Hi (your name) and I'm an alcoholic. So yeah it’d be weird if I said I wasn’t wouldn’t it

So you go to AA but lie?

Thank you your reply means a lot. I know my post is really hard to understand I’m not great at writing but I don’t drink for weeks it’s not something I rely on. I do understand what you’re saying but I’m sober for weeks. I’m back with parents. I avoid them at all costs after work I don’t want to eat dinner with them because once they have a drink it’s very hard for me to even have a conversation I cannot give an opinion of my own. They are very much stuck in their ways. Even to the point that I’ve had times they’ve been drunk and Questioned my sexuality which I’m sure anyone who has a half a mind knows I don’t need to give any details. I know who I am and for anyone to degrade someone for sexuality is awful behaviour. Sometimes I’d love to see how they’d react if I wasn’t a straight male because it makes me sick that is something that even matters!!

your reply means a lot and yes I need to move away as soon as I can and the people that are impartial are really helpful as are you :) because of my period of mistakes I’ve just finished paying everything I had in debt and now I need to focus on that. It’s difficult but it fills me with joy that people like yourself have the time and decency to actually help others. I’m new here but when I receieved comment like this I feel like it’d be nice to say thanks and reply privately I don’t know but is that something that I can do?

As you can imagine an alcoholic wouldn’t be able to commit to a meeting 3 times a week.

A recovering alcoholic does.

No. All attendees affirm that they're alcoholics.

There isn't a section for recovering alcoholics.

And many alcoholics do attend a meeting every day.

I did write a lot to you there and yeah I agree but I’m not sure what your point is? I’ve said like 20 times now I am an alcoholic. I wouldn’t go to meetings if I wasn’t. My main point was that I’ve accepted that and trying to change, whereas the heavy drinkers around me would never think that of themselves

Your binges with periods of not drinking in between mean you don't have an alcohol dependency (yet) and can physically function without it. Your folks who drink heavily every night probably have a dependency and cant stop. This doesn't mean you're not all alcoholics, which is a broader term for anyone powerless around alcohol which your binges suggest you are. It's also strongly genetic so the best favour the child of an alcoholic can do themselves is avoid it, or at least take the greatest care. So no binges no exceeding limits, no drinking alone. If I were you I'd go back to your meetings.

I’m really struggling to see your point here? Have you got anything constructive to say?
what would I go to a meeting and lie about? And what are you saying I’m lying about lol