Don’t know what AIBU means but 28 had mortgage with gf at 22 and walked in on her and a guy now treated like I’m a child again because things have been hard

[Foleyator]

I find it hard what to write not great at articulating.
finished school (28 now) and got a scholarship in finance spent years working from 17. 2 older brothers and father all in a trade. Managed to save enough to get a mortgage on a place with my first love was with her for 7 years. After 3 months I walked in one day and a guy was in my bed with her. I left and it was hard and had to go back with parents. This caused me to drink or other things and I had a hard time (always working) now I have got things together but it’s still not easy. I recently had my vehicle crashed into and I lost my deposit and didn’t have gap insurance currently now in a very seducled location with my parents and 40 mins to the nearest bus stop. They open all my post and they tell me because of my times when I was depressed and drinking that I shouldn’t get another car. They tell me there’s no point getting all the work I try to get (I do a trade now too) because im just going to waste the money. All my family drink every night without fail they need to. A lot aswell. They constantly tell me im an alcoholic because while I was in a bad way I did have drink one day in the morning. I agree it’s bad but I don’t drink daily and I cannot pull them up on their drinking without them going mad but I have to just take it being me with the huge problem. I even have gone to AA meetings which I found really good but me doing so has been used against me asking why I went to the meetings. They don’t realise they have a problem I feel proud I can atleast admit these moments I’ve had are wrong and have tried my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again. My question is how do I approach them and get them to actually respect me. It really hurts that I’m told there’s no point getting a van because of things in the past or there’s no point me working everytime I win some work I tell my parents and I’d love them to be happy for me but instead it’s ‘you’re just going to waste the money anyway’ and when this is the response sometimes I actually feel like maybe they’re right. What’s the point :/ but I’m focused on staying strong and proving them wrong but it’s not easy. Shouldn’t the people closest to me be helping me and building me up not pushing me down ?

Hey it’s so annoying I made a huge reply to you but my page refreshed long message short I’m so greAtful for your words and it means so much to me honestly
. You like a few others here and a couple
of people close to me, give me the strength to keep going. I’ll never stop trying it’s just nice there’s people that actually care. If there’s a way yourself and the other accounts that I’ve repleid to can stay in Touch Id be very grateful I feel guilty when I’m sure I’ve got it easy compared to others and I feel like I don’t deserve such kindness

You deserve kindness

I have to go now, but will be back around tomorrow. Once you reply to a thread on here it's easy to find it again, so we won't lose you lol.

Lastly - easier to do short replies. Post a bit at a time.

It's a pain in the arse when long messages get lost!

if you can’t be bothered to read my posts what made you bothered to reply?
im not sure who you think I’m blaming if anything it’s myself, but I couldn’t be bothered to read the rest of your message it’s far to long.

You are being overwhelmed right now by everything going on in your life. I think you are probably feeling that you have lost control of some of your life.
You need to believe in yourself. Things can get so much better for you but it won't happen overnight and it won't happen unless you make it.
Soi one step at a time.
As other posters have said you need to find a way to move into your own place. Only you can figure out the best wsy to do it, but you can take advice.
You need to feel in control of your drinking, yes, but that's only part of it. It sounds as if your family are treating you like a child, trying to control your life and influence you far too much.

I wish you all the very best for the future. With the hard work and determination that you have already shown you are capable of, you can and will build a better, happier life for yourself.

As long as you remember your log-in details, then when you come back you can click on 'I started' at the top under where it says 'talk' and it will take you to threads you started.

There are definitely people who care - my genetic family (such as it is, now consisting of just two people) aren't great, so I have found and built my own family - my partner, my dogs, and my friends. They do care, they want the best for me, as I do for them. (well the dogs just want cuddles and dinner but that's fine!).

You'll find these people along the way, as you set about building your own life and living the life you want.

Quite difficult (in fact mostly impossible) to return to working in finance if you've been declared bankrupt/voluntarily declared bankruptcy.

I also typed a long reply and lost it all!

The gist of it was.... it sounds like your family have got into the habit of deriding you. Maybe because you are the baby of the family or the black sheep, or maybe they just enjoy rubbing your nose in your mistakes because you tried to "better" yourself with a finance education. I don't think you are going to escape this black sheep role until you move out and stand on your own two feet.

Do you think your family have your best interests at heart? Think about this one. It sounds like they don't. That's a hard one to face up to when you long for their approval but I think you have to come to terms with the fact that you might never get it. Stop taking their advice. Be your own man. Create your own business. You have a trade and you know about finance, you don't need them or their advice to be successful. Get a van and get the work in. Make your own Facebook page, get on mybuilder and all that, do a great job every time, ask people to leave you a review. Post your work online and let people see what you can do. Save money and MOVE OUT!!!

Stop worrying about what has happened in the past. You can't change any of that. Decide what you want your future to look like and crack on with it as your own advocate.

i don’t know whether to be offended by this or not :( I have a really impressive CV and a high IQ (which I know means nothing) I could get back into accountancy but I’d go back to an IT analyst role. I know a couple code languages but I only used them for my own personal enjoyment. I was quite a nerd while I was boxing. I was ranked very high on world of Warcraft and then very close with one of the sidemen before there was money involved. I just found myself unhappy knowing code and being really good with IT systems working a boring job with no incentives. I got into my family trade which I enjoy the sense of pride of beautiful work and I can work hard but I get paid for it. I really hated working very hard for a corporate company slimlining their processes increasing their worldwide processes whether it be making a report every finance director in 20 offices has to provide every Monday take 5 minutes to produce rather than an hour or if it’s correcting issues with orders when admin may have inputted slightly wrong and I would make that process correct itself instead of being manually corrected. But I still got the same money that month. Maybe I should’ve spent another 4 years working my way up, again to hit a salary that is set. That scares me. I work now, sometimes I don’t have work, it’s frightening…. But I work for customers and clients and I work with amtico mostly and I am the final trade to a persons house or a companies office and I love seeing people over the moon when I finish, doing herringbone to the highest standard after they’ve spent money and time painting decorating getting the decor perfect and then putting their furniture back free of charge and making them happy for a fair price.
i may feel like I haven’t used my mind mentally to it’s potential I feel like maybe aside from my family not believing in me if I get it right doing the hard work now one day I hope to use my mind in the business side. I can’t wait to have people doing the work and being someone people are fighting to work for

If you work with your hands you still use your mind. Your mind is free to go where you choose and think about and learn what you want. You can stay educated and thoughtful, read, discuss and share ideas. All that AND create beautiful floors for people. You sound like you take a lot of pride in your work and enjoy it and that's more than a lot of people have.

My crumpets, I am again so thankful for your time in messaging me, it’s all so new and a bit mad to me that there’s actually people like yourself. Before coming here which was completely by chance. I would write messages to people to back them and give them confidence and I always felt like the only one that actually wanted to help I didn’t realise there’s places like this where people actually want to help ! I am also worried though because I’m starting to realise it’s very big about being anonymous here which is all good but can I share my insta business page so you and others can just take a look? Won’t include my name or location? I thought I’d ask before I do. Also how’s life for you and it’s hard but I wanna ask all these kind people that have taken the time and made me feel so much better tonight and taken away my anxiety

@Foleyator It wasn't intended as an insult, it was a reply to someone else who hadn't bothered to read your posts, suggesting you should have gone back to finance and you're somehow at fault for not doing that.

It isn't easy (depending on the role of course) to do that if you've been declared bankrupt, though there are time limits on how long that will affect you I believe.

@Foleyator no problem at all. This can be a very supportive place if you want some good advice. People won't want to be your FB pals or your personal cheerleaders though. I know it's hard when you feel lonely and you want to reach out and no-one is there. Be realistic about what support you can get on a forum like this. People will try to advise you and share their life experience if it's relevant but a lot of us are Mums with many responsibilities, work, caring for the old or the young, dealing with our own shit and our own difficult family relationships. Many of us are older than you and have probably found out the hard way that the only person who will always put you front and centre, is yourself. Don't waste your time hoping for validation from others, work out how you make a go of things and get your head down and do it.

Can I also recommend a bit of talking therapy to go through your difficult family relationships. It helped me a lot at a testing time in life.

I'm not sure if you can advertise your business here. Possibly not. Which is a shame as I do love a herringbone floor!

Oh yeah and WiddlinDiddlin has a very valid point about the implications of bankruptcy in your career. You are still very young and you have many years to build your business so try to find some resiliency and a way forward.

Thanks my friend im sorry to hear that, i feel like it’s kind of a unicorn these days for a family (especially large) to all get on. Even though my parents are still together which is so rare, it’s almost unheard of there isn’t some sibling cousin feud lol. My dad 6 brothers all flooring. 3 have their own companies in the same area and don’t speak! I always thought why don’t they just get over it and work together they’d all benefit but 20 years and they don’t know why they don’t speak in the first place! and yes I’m a huge fan of dogs another thing my brothers laugh at me for. I have only lately got the confidence when I’m their van driving to work I’ll look and smile at the dogs walking past. They still say it’s weird but dogs are the best thing in this world. Loyal innocent happy caring, empathetic and protective creatures.

.....................but I couldn’t be bothered to read the rest of your message - it’s far too long

@Foleyator your own messages are also far too long.

Can you use paragraphs please.

Thanks crumpet for your message again! You’re messages are very helpful I’m sure you know that!

You’re still here replying though? You don’t have to

@Foleyator

It's a good idea not to be rude in your responses to the replies your thread is receiving.

Everyone is being so helpful and understanding towards you, and if paragraphs are asked for - is it so hard to do that ?

It's not you that's the problem. Yes you've had some hard times and you've pulled yourself back. Your family will never be supportive of you. They feel threatened by your education etc because it's foreign to them. Much easier for them to squeeze you into a mould of a "looser" because that's what they're comfortable with. Please try your best to move out so you can break out of this cycle. Well done for finding work and earning your living.

Your family are not good for you. Sound like they're projecting their own issues with drink onto you too even when you're not drinking if I've understood. Sounds like your brother is the favourite and you are the scapegoat. Could that be true? If that's true then often one parent is narcissistic. Look at covert and over narcissism. You may find something that resonates.

Either way they are not good for you. Move out ASAP and put a bit of space between you and them. Go stand on your own feet. Stop discussing your career etc with them. Slowly over time, away from them chastising you or telling you what you should be doing all the time, you will start to understand what YOU actually want and enjoy and you will start to make your own decisions. Some therapy may help speed this up.

In the meantime, when they are being unsupportive, remember that the best revenge is success....go be successful in whatever you want to do and make sure there's time for fun too (preferably the sober kind - a hobby or something. Would you enjoy gaming again?)

I need a floor laying ! lol Stone one though.

How are you this morning Folyate? I hope you're feeling a bit brighter as you seemed quite down last night.

Previous poster was right in that it's not really the thing here to 'prove' who you are or what you're telling us (wrt your insta page). Like you said yourself; lying on an anonymous forum is pointless if you want genuine support. So posters here who are supportive will believe what you're telling us and base advice on those facts.

You say you love the practical side of your job. Using your hands. Using your skills. Being creative. Seeing something go from ugly to beautiful. Getting satisfaction from other people's actual joy in what you've done. Your work adding value to someone's home. Knowing you did it well and knowing the client is grateful and appreciates your work.

I used to do fine art for a living so i totally get the creative satisfaction side of your work.

This is all important info. because it's showing your character and what really brings you joy. This job which warms your heart AND can bring money in at the same time. That's something lots of people wish they had!

It's a short life Foliate. Don't waste it doing a job you don't love or harking back. Don't waste it trying to please everyone else around you.

What do you think your next step will be? What are you taking from this thread so far?

To me, when you post you sound like you're drowning.

You are very entangled with your family. Financially and emotionally. You work within the family business and still live in the family home.

While it's a familiar place to you it sounds ... i wanna say toxic but i don't want to be harsh about your family because in my experience folks get defensive about family. Even when it's not the best environment for them ...

Because family is familiar they find it hard to step back and see things as they really are.

Are you earning well enough to get a small place of your own to live? Do your family drill into you that renting is a waste of money? To an extent i agree, but i think you need to get away and get some space. And peace. Calm your mind.

You're obviously an intelligent man. You need to push to be independent now as well.

Sorry, i've twice called you Folyate !😂

I am new to this thread and have read it through. Sorry for the snarky replies you have had. You have had a tough few years but actually sound very resilient. I think your main priority is to move out of that toxic home environment. If you're parents have always put you down and are drinking every evening, that is going to destroy your confidence and self belief.
You sound like you have lots of skills but currently need to find affordable accommodation and regular income.
Could you apply for jobs with other flooring companies so you are not self employed, and just focus on trying to save up a bit. Maybe just rent a room in a house share. There are some people who move around house sitting for free accomodation. Does your local job officer offer appointments with carers advisors who could look at your skills and what areas of work they could be transferred to? It may be if you go into a regular career you could do the flooring as an extra income. We had our carpets fitted by a guy who used to fit carpets but was now a policeman. He did a bit of carpet fitting on days off to make a bit extra.
Your priority needs to be to live elsewhere but I do understand that it's hard to afford.
It is very natural to want respect and additional from parents. I think we are hard wired to want that. My in laws were very controlling and toxic. They told me husband that if he married me he would be dead to them( apparently our family had nothing to offer their family!!) He took that risk and yes, he was written out of a very large will, but honestly can say that choosing freedom from their control and negativity was the best thing he did. His siblings remained controlled and have both had very unhappy lives. He did have contact again with them eventually, but on his terms and we would have walked away from it had they been unpleasant.
Get away from your parents and the drinking by whatever means you can. Good luck 🙂

You need to forget about your parents, your brother's the work, them having parts in the business. You cannot control what they do or say but you can control how you react. They were not supportive of you as a child, people like that don't like it when you take a different, in this case academic path. They are never going to be the supportive people you want them to be so don't expect them to change. The ex gf and the house / sounds like that poor advice to go bankrupt has at least given you a clean break.

Spend today thinking about what you really want to achieve in the next 6 months and in the next year.

Look for a room in a shared house / lodger / flat for yourself depending on earnings and savings.

• You don't need to stay where you are, trades can travel I suppose look at other towns and cities and put some distance between you / your family / the past. If you can't afford somewhere look for Live-in jobs for the time being, depending on your trade you might find live-in grounds men / DIY jobs at educational outdoor centres, schools, cruise ship, holiday camps etc.

Do you actually like the trade you work in?

• Financially would you be better off going back to your more academic route or is that over now as you have been declared bankrupt? Can you do one job during the week and offer weekend hours for your trade? Can you retrain in something else you would enjoy more?

Do you want a car?

• Go out and look at some today, you are a grown adult if you want a car/van go buy one

Alcohol
You can't drink ever, no weddings, no parties, no BBQ, especially not when you feel down. You have to stop and draw a line under it. Keep going to AA.

You are an adult in control of your own life. So start taking control.