Don’t know what AIBU means but 28 had mortgage with gf at 22 and walked in on her and a guy now treated like I’m a child again because things have been hard

[Foleyator]

I find it hard what to write not great at articulating.
finished school (28 now) and got a scholarship in finance spent years working from 17. 2 older brothers and father all in a trade. Managed to save enough to get a mortgage on a place with my first love was with her for 7 years. After 3 months I walked in one day and a guy was in my bed with her. I left and it was hard and had to go back with parents. This caused me to drink or other things and I had a hard time (always working) now I have got things together but it’s still not easy. I recently had my vehicle crashed into and I lost my deposit and didn’t have gap insurance currently now in a very seducled location with my parents and 40 mins to the nearest bus stop. They open all my post and they tell me because of my times when I was depressed and drinking that I shouldn’t get another car. They tell me there’s no point getting all the work I try to get (I do a trade now too) because im just going to waste the money. All my family drink every night without fail they need to. A lot aswell. They constantly tell me im an alcoholic because while I was in a bad way I did have drink one day in the morning. I agree it’s bad but I don’t drink daily and I cannot pull them up on their drinking without them going mad but I have to just take it being me with the huge problem. I even have gone to AA meetings which I found really good but me doing so has been used against me asking why I went to the meetings. They don’t realise they have a problem I feel proud I can atleast admit these moments I’ve had are wrong and have tried my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again. My question is how do I approach them and get them to actually respect me. It really hurts that I’m told there’s no point getting a van because of things in the past or there’s no point me working everytime I win some work I tell my parents and I’d love them to be happy for me but instead it’s ‘you’re just going to waste the money anyway’ and when this is the response sometimes I actually feel like maybe they’re right. What’s the point :/ but I’m focused on staying strong and proving them wrong but it’s not easy. Shouldn’t the people closest to me be helping me and building me up not pushing me down ?

I recently had my vehicle crashed into and I lost my deposit and didn’t have gap insurance

drink related if you’re honest?

Your posts aren't hard to read. You are making sense 😊

Try and tackle one point at a time. Maybe easier for you.

This thread you've made - there's loads of time. It won't disappear. You can come back to it as you like.

About your house - i think you need legal advice here because you are NOT obliged to keep paying for a house you aren't living in. You can legally force a sale.

I think you need a plan OP because you sound like you're all tangled up in so many thoughts and issues. You need a plan to follow like a map out. So, firstly, work and money. Ignore your folks. If you're trade and you're reliable and fit you can find work, lots of it. Work every hour you can and save everything you can. Treat your house as a place to eat and sleep and your folks as housemates. Polite, pay your way, but distant. Soon you will have enough for a deposit on a place of your own. Then your life starts again. Keep sober, keep working, keep fit and healthy. At 28 you have everything ahead of you.

Thank you mate, I really appreciate your reply yeah I have a big problem and also do the others i mention but different problems. You’re right I have a problem where I can’t stop and me and any substance can’t work functionally. Whereas I know my family drink a lot but they still perform all the duties they need to.

this is understandable and this is what im
Faced with when they argue that my problem is worse and tbh yeah I think it is but then again, I’m glad that I’m already in a place where i know if I carry on I will have no life. I cannot just have a few each night. Although they can function and have been great parents I’m the youngest since I turned 16 and worked then the drinking got heavier (their still good people) but after 5pm they wasn’t parents. Even today right now they fill their evenings with how my older siblings partner isn’t great and negativity.

i am an alcoholic, more so I’m an addict. I have no need for alcohol but I have a need for something.

i feel like I’ve made an impression I’m saying I’m better than the people around me. Im not… im saying im not any worse and I’m tired of being judged when what im saying on here to you guys, I haven’t and wouldn’t ever say to them because we’re al human. But im always told about my downfalls.

i knew it was a mistake to share this online because I can’t put my mind into words. I’m not articulate enough to put it across correctly but I literally love people and im just so tired of feeling like im not good enough when I take people for who they are never judge but im always judged

I literally have never been so honest, never been on a site like this and non drink related. I was breathalysed on the spot as was the other driver and that’s why I still have 0
points and an intact driving license (I understand why you would ask that) I just wonder why you think I’d lie when my here because I want to speak my truth as it’s to difficult to do that with the people close to me…

You're making complete sense Folyator. It's never a mistake to reach out for a bit of support.

Honestly i think you need to sort this business out with your house. It's throwing your money away.

Secondly, once your finances are better you need (and i'm sorry) to put some space between you and your family.

Any issues with alcohol or substances you have will be made more difficult by being around folks drinking heavily.

You sound like a strong person. You need to get yourself a plan here. Stop beating yourself up!

You're putting it into words just fine. I understand you perfectly and I understand addiction too and don't judge you. Don't regret posting. There's some good supportive people on this thread @Laiste who has just responded to you is one of them. Read her reply too.

One more thing - AIBU stands for Am I Being Unreasonable.

You're not being unreasonable.

This bit of mumsnet can be a bit of a bear-pit lol.

It's why i like it though. Lots of posters any time of the day. Lots of personalities. But many can be a bit blunt or look for a fight. You don't have to answer every post or every accusation. It's your thread.

@Laiste @5128gap hey guys I feel really under pressure writing the correct thing here with people seeing can you give me some direction. I’m not sure whether to press ‘quote or ‘post’ what I’m doing now I don’t understand the difference. Can I just tell you both that I still find it really emotional that people like yourself are giving advice to me. It’s something I’ve done maybe too empathetic and only to my friends on the phone of private messages. I just understand the scrutiny from doing this publicly. I know no one probably means harm but it’s hard. It’s the first time I have instead of going off the rails. Is there anyway to talk privately any advice would be appriciated

You're doing fine with the quoting.

Also it is totally annonymous here. It's not really public. No one here knows who you are or can 'trace' you somehow. It's ok.

You can private message posters. But there's not really anything to gain from it.

You're probably better sticking with this thread openly like this because you're more likely to attract readers with knowledge about stuff which can help you.

You can talk privately with people by sending them a private message, but some of us feel more comfortable keeping it on the thread. Obviously none of us know who each other is, and people often feel more comfortable 'talking' in public than taking it private with a stranger. Also if you close the conversation down to one or two other posters, then you could be missing some great input from other people who might happen by later. You don't need to reply to people if you don't want to and you don't need to explain yourself.

I’ve not read all of your posts as frankly I can’t be bothered (far too long). Why didn’t you go back to finance? You seem to be blaming everyone else for your situation (your ex was a massive knob for cheating) and forgetting that you have the power to change your situation.

Just curious but What attracted you to mumsnet? It’s an unusual place to seek advice for someone so young without children?

You need to know that this particular section of the forum does have a lot of posters who are actively looking to trip you up, to find fault with you, to pick apart and twist what you're saying.

It may be better to report your own thread (bottom of your first post there is a 'report' option, hit that, pick 'other' and write in there) - and ask MN to move your post to a more appropriate section of the forum.

I think it is quite clear you recognise you have some problems you need to solve, you're keen and willing to do that.

As hard as it is, you have to let go of needing the approval and praise from your parents/siblings.

We all want that, it is the default setting for humans to want that from others, particularly our relatives and especially our parents.

Some of us will absolutely break ourselves, physically and mentally, trying to get it from people who are not capable of giving it.

I would strongly recommend you seek some counselling to help with that, it will help you step away from your family which I do think is what you need to do in order to move on with your life.

Don't think of this as proving to them that you're good, you're worthy etc... you need to prove to yourself these things, it is after all, your opinion and to some extent, the opinion of your true friends, that actually matters.

Your parents and family are simply people you are genetically linked to - it doesn't automatically mean they have your best interests at heart, that they're the best people to advise you or that their opinions matter.

WiddlinDiddlin great advice.

Along with sorting your finances you need to find yourself. You're still young and you've been through a lot.

It's very hard when you've got family telling you what you are and what you're not.

You are your own person and you need to clear your head and decide what YOU want to do going forward. Where you want to be and what you want to be doing.

I think the crux of it is: you want your independence and you want to have a normal relationship with your parents where they don't treat you like a child.

I'm your shoes, I would:
Stop drinking completely - no booze at weddings or events either. As you say, you drink badly then so you can't control it. The easiest fix is to control it by not drinking at all.

Next, I would be working my ass off to build up some savings and move out. The travel restrictions are hindering your ability to make money. Could you afford to rent a room in a city or town? That way you don't have to be surrounded by negativity and you are on your first step to being free!

Get fit and healthy. Get some hobbies that enhance your life. You want to, that's why you've posted on here. Your destiny is in your hands!

Unfortunately I think your family are a lost cause. Don't be dragged down by them

@5128gap @Laiste
okay so again I’m 28 and my younger years was on the cutting edge of tech lol but I’m still confused I know laitse said I should post here it makes no difference but wouldn’t you agree how you guys have replied to me, I feel it’d be more comfortable if there was a way I could message without it being so open ? Anyway I know it’s Anonymous but that’s irrelevant to me I’m finding it hard to come back to both of your messages I wanted to reply to haha. Like I read one from gap and I read Laitse and It’s hard to remember it all cos I can’t scroll back. Gap I am trying to work every hour I can and that’s when things are good. I’ve managed to secure 3 weeks non stop at the moment but I had a day off today which makes me feel awful. If there’s work im
there. Even this week no flooring which is why I do amtico really good standard. My dad and 6 brothers really respected in carpets but I love the hard flooring and I’m good. I’d rather labour like this week though than sit at home and again my family laugh. Why you going to work for £100 then moan saying I’m 28 at home still! My brother has been without worth and I’m a people person and like to interact with people, through that and again being laughed at for talking to people I’ve got work for them which they’ve ended up taking for themselves and I try to say I got I. Contact with them can we do this together. It’s hit back with, you haven’t got a van or tools. Which is so hard because for 11 years I did have a van and tools but just a year ago I lost my van! Again something I’d never do to them. Finally @Laiste that flat has gone I went bankrupt 6 years ago when it happened cos my parents said to and was a good decision she ended up getting evicted and if it didn’t do that I would owe half of the £50k she now owes. Lastly again lol I don’t wanna message privately to gain anything but it’s be nice to chat with you guys without being public that’s all

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy it’s really weird knowing everything is public, but I am so appreciative to your words… like it means so much to me… I really like the fact you’ve given a kind of guide because sometimes I feel like I get caught up in my head, when really, it’s very simple. The no drinking is ofcourse the first step. It’s not so easy but I feel like I can definitely do that. I need to not just do it for a bit and mess up again. Like that list is what I want. A hobby is also what I need. I feel like I’m someone who needs reassurance and even these messages I like. I don’t get it working in my trade but there’s something about me that requires that all you guys/girls/people tonight have given me that and it’s stupid but it really helps I’m just someone who needs guidance you know?

Reading this, you come across as a smart and very thoughtful, reflective person, who is trying to face up to life rather than just numb it all by drinking. Well done.

I think you’d find it immensely helpful to talk to a professional therapist in a private, non-judgemental space where you can spill your thoughts freely. Try searching the BACP website for therapists in your area and see if any appeal to you. Many offer low-cost services to people in real need.

From experience, it can really help you get clarity on what’s actually important to YOU (not just everyone else in your life)

It sounds like your family situation is complex and they have their own issues - it might be time to find a way to move out. Could you go into shared lodging temporarily perhaps?

these are just ideas. But I want to encourage you to keep reflecting as you have been, and and striving to find where you want to go in life - it’s hard, but you’re so young yet and have choices to make.

good luck x

Your posts remind me of someone close to me when they were the same age as you. Take one step at a time.

How come you can't scroll back on here ?! That would drive me mad.

Quoting - answering one post at a time - you did it right a few times at the beginning. I'm on a lap top but i think it's the same on a phone - the quote button is at the bottom right of people's posts you click that and their post will appear in the same box as your answer.

It sounds to me like you need to move away from your parents.
They are not a great influence.

You sound like you are doing really well with the sobriety. In that environment that's amazing well done!

Do you still own your house? Is it possible to move out? It sounds like you need to move away from them and build your own life.

I'm sorry it's so hard.
Please don't give up.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

This is good advice 👍

Probably because you don't get it from your family which is where we expect it. Although some parents can take it too far the other way and dictate their child's every move.
I felt dictated to growing up and only now I'm married with kids and almost 40 I realise I have choices. So do you!
What's dawned on me recently is that people actually sit and think about goals they want to achieve in life. Actually spend time and energy planning this out! I have bumbled along in life but wish I'd planned it out a little more.

So start thinking about what you like, dislike, how you relax, how you can enhance your life.
Start reading books and listening to audiobooks.
Take some interest in what you wear, how you look. When effort is made, it reaps rewards.
Starts building up some friendships. Maybe not the ones you currently have that can suck you back in to a less rewarding life.
Imagine yourself as an old man and what he would be thinking looking back on his life if it was to stay as you're currently living.