Can anyone chat to me? Desperately lonely.

[Needalisteningear]

I am so lonely. This is going to be long.

My mum passed on xmas day last year. She had cancer and wasn't very old. She didn't die of cancer though, it was medical negligence.
My dad couldn't cope and moved to another country.
My ltr has just ended.
My kids are at their dads.
I have no friends. I've realised that. I have acquaintances from my dc groups. I've never really fit into friend groups. I was and still are, I suppose, hanging onto friend groups.
My past is an embarrassment (not my children) and I am so desperate to be happy that I just allow things that shouldn't happen in a relationship, to happen.
My life is a joke. The only good thing about it is my kids and tonight, I'm really struggling with loneliness.
I have no family left and the people who I have reached out to have finished the conversation after a couple of messages.
I suffer with ptsd and other mental health issues that stem from past relationships.

Is anyone around just to chat. Just so I can stop crying a bit?
Well done if you managed to read this far! And thank you x

I think you sound a bit like me.
I get all consumed by the what it's.
In my head it isn't I'm going in to have a cuppa. It's I'm going to have to do the limbo whilst resting war and peace in mandarin ... Extreme but I can't think of anything example perhaps you know what I mean.

Yep, I hear you! Exactly the same.
I've talked about this at length with my therapist. We have worked out that in previous relationships that weren't healthy, I was accused (for want of a better word) of doing things I hadn't. I suppose the same in my very recent relationship. In my head, I make up an outcome, the worst outcome and I fully believe that it could happen. Say, if I need to phone someone e.g. an extra direct debit has been taken out. I will ruminate about it, and in my head I will have decided that they'll shout at me and I'll be in tears etc. I overly protect myself from consequences. It's because I have had consequences from previous relationships that I didn't deserve. But I now expect everyone to do the same as my exes. I hate my mind and brain! X

I get you!
I sometimes mentally prepare myself by thinking worse case scenario (and like double it) and it works me up before it's even happened it's quite a toxic trait of mine.
Another 'fun' thing I worked in a call centre for years and was very successful at it (always biggest bonus etc) but now the thought of making that phone call about the direct debit puts me into such a procrastination I just can't get myself to do it. I didn't cancel a direct debit for months because I couldn't.
Shall we have a challenge?
Do one thing you have been procrastinating about today?

Exactly the same! I had a similar job, worked in a call centre and was team leader.
I'm a fully grown adult who is scared stiff of being shouted at or somehow if I phone, it might highlight something I've done wrong and don't know about!
A challenge sounds good. I do need to reinstate a direct debit. At the moment I spend a good half an hour connected to an automated payment line every month instead of just phoning up and reinstating! I even panic about phoning an automated line!
I meed to send something back to Amazon but I don't want them to say no, I have to keep it so it's been sat here for 5 days. I will then panic about having to take it to the post office!
What are you going to do? Thank you for challenging me x

Also, if my spelling is a bit questionable, I have smashed my phone screen and a part of it is completely black. I'm typing blind 😂

Mine is really easy as I am in a lot of pain today but I am going to do an admin task online I've been putting off because I have concentration skills at the moment.

Amazon will take back after five days I'm sure

Zero concentration skills!
My typing is atrocious on my phone not helped with my spell check deciding I mean other words

Oh no. I hope you're pain free very soon! Well done, get it sorted!

Amazon will! It's just me!

Taken a downward spiral and I can't pull myself up. I'm so sorry to everyone for being so low and pathetic. I'm really struggling and I don't know what to do.

Hey what's caused this?
Your not pathetic.

I juat feel an absolute failure at life. Completely rubbish relationships, always being left alone, huge anxiety, ptsd, depression.

I really don't know. I hate my brain!

I have just done a 13 min quick walk workout dancw. I finished it! I actually finished it! I enjoyed it! Going to not sit down now and see if I can be somewhat productive x

Completely proficient adult here - also hate making phone calls and also understanding the fear of being told off!
Your break up is recent. If you were over it and skipping about after a week, that would not be normal.
Most of us feel a failure at times, like our lives are rubbish. You are not alone.
I felt like that for many reasons, but after good therapy and time, I am ok.
I used to hate my brain, always felt like I was a bit nuts, an over-thinker, and thought I was unstable.
Now I know some of it stems from autism, I have accepted who I am and I’m not always find but I think if my brain as my friend now.
It is a bit weird and wacky, but hey, not boring!
Happy Belated Birthday!

Thank you. Sorry if this is the million dollar question, but roughly how long do people feel like this? I'm trying to keep going but all of a sudden it feels like I've had my heart ripped out and I'm crying. Then my lovely mind just makes me feel horrendous.
I have made one phone call. I'm waiting for a call back as it wasn't as simple as reinstating a ddebit 🙄 i cried on the phone!
My therapist has mentioned the possibility of autism, adhd. But at the moment I'm so far away from who I am, I don't know what's normal for me anymore.
How do you even get to the point of being ok?!

Thank you. My dcs made it really special x

I am not ok all of the time. I also struggled at a time when things like ADHD and adult autism were not talked about, so it took a while.
I had EMDR therapy for trauma which helped rewire my brain (look it up if you can!) and it helped me within weeks.
As for having a broken heart, only time can do that I think. You certainly won’t recover from a relationship ending in a fortnight so don’t feel bad about struggling with it OP.
Talking things through with your therapist is great.
And think from your original post to today, when you really did feel alone, to how many lovely people you have interacted with. Connection is key.

I have just done a 13 min quick walk workout dancw. I finished it! I actually finished it! I enjoyed it! Going to not sit down now and see if I can be somewhat productive x^

Well done 👏🥳

Those hard and sad times are moments in time - they feel awful but they do pass and then you have moments when you connect with people - on here, with DDs friends parents, your sister with dancing 💃 🪩
Be kind to yourself^

Good morning and thank the Lord it's Friday as its a non working day for me.
Nothing in the diary so the DD and I are down to watch Rivals.
She had a horrendous journey back from uni yesterday (she commutes) but she just went straight to bed.
I'm not even making dinner. It's coming out of a box!

Bring on Rutminster!

Happy Friday everybody!

Thank you again, so much for keeping me on the straight and narrow. I've been quiet as I've needed to just sit with what's going on.
I've stuck to doing one thing every day and today will be another of those days.
I do think I'm starting to think a little clearer. It has only been a day and I'm aware that it could change again!
I've had an idea. At the moment, it is only an idea but I would love to use this hurt and pain into something good that can maybe help others, as well as myself. I've recognised that exercise and getting up and about does help and I have a goal now to work towards. Whether or not to reveal, I don't know! It would make me more accountable but I'm also aware that my mind flicks very quickly at the moment. But this is something that I've wished I could do, I suppose for a while but I didn't think I'd be the right person for it. Now I think I could be a great person for it. I don't know! But it's going to take me on a journey regardless of whether I decide to go for the full shebang!
There are so many people going through hard times, mentally and in just in general everyday life; relationships, grieving etc. I'm waffling but I'm getting it out!

The people to thank for all this, is you!!!!!

Lrt me know if you want to know, if you're intrigued. I would love to hold myself to it and maybe even see some of you joining me in years to come.

I want to be successful, I want to help others. I've excited myself!

I would love to know your ideas :)

Hello sweetheart. Any better? You got kids though!!!

Intrigued.....👀

I am intrigued xx

Well... through my tears (ha), I've being doing a few workouts. And yesterday I found myself smiling afterwards. Today, I was smiling whilst doing it. I've found that when I start crying, I'm going to exercise videos.
I'm a few (million) lbs too heavy. I'm going to change that. It really does help.
I want to make this into my career/job change. I want to become a fitness instructor. I want to hold classes with trained counsellors where we can dance, laugh, cry and get it all out. I want to help with grief, heartbreak, mental health, low moments.
That's in my strong moments. When I'm feeling a bit low, I wonder if I can do it.
My dd and I are on our own tonight. We're watching Barbie movies like we used to and we've had a chippy, got lots of sweets and popcorn and facemasks. I'm feeling a bit nervous as it's windy and it's just us and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears still. But through this, I'm trying to laugh x

@Needalisteningear I think you are an inspiration for many of us.