Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Pretty shitty week here - I've spent 2 days in a&e with a suspected blood clot. All OK, but feeling pretty crap and very let down by dh (again)

Dark - that sounds very difficult. I'm not a huge fan of elder dds bf, but it's a ldr, so it's easier to not think about him for periods of time

I was very worried as it's dds first relationship, which can be so all consuming

I've made the bf very welcome in our home and am always positive when I speak about them and ask how they are etc

I've felt a couple of times that the bf was a bit controlling, but dd has dealt with it

I totally understand your concerns.

Is there a female family member/friend who could talk to dd? A trusted adult at school?

I feel for you. It's a whole new world once romantic relationships enter the picture x

@destiel00
Sorry to hear you had to be at the hospital.
Hope you have some help if not from DH?
It sucks to have to do everything physically in addition to the mental load we already have.
How is DD doing? Do take it easy and rest when u can.

Thanks for your thoughts.Things are ok here.
I need to calm down and make some efforts to understand DD and where her relationship is at and have a good chat.
DH is flying off the wall so that doesn't help. It will all have to be my effort.
When she told me she said she would like to be able to talk through things with me so I need to open doors and not shut them .
As much as I would like her to be better before she embarks on a relationship I have to admit it is here now and I need to learn to accept it and handle things properly.
Sadly no family here to help me have a talk with her.
I will encourage her to prioritise her friendships over bf but we all know how things can be the first time.

Xx

Dd seems OK atm, but that's not to say she is OK if you see what I mean?

It's SO hard at this stage. Definitely be open - would you feel comfortable sharing some of your teen experiences? (I did with older dd, and I think it helped...)

But being open doesn't mean never disagreeing or not raising concerns - contraception, for example...would dd understand that?

I'm feeling quite alone atm. Dh basically left me to it for both days and I really could have used someone to advocate for me/be there.

He's away soon with work, and tbh I'll be glad of the break.

@destiel00 sorry to hear about your hospital stay and hope you begin to feel better soon. Sadly I think we have all been there on the dh front. My one means well but sometimes just doesn't get it. He's a lot better since dd was diagnosed and he read the detailed report, nothing like something official to spell it out in black and white and dispel any denial!

@DarkChocHolic this is a hard one and I agree that you need to present an open and accepting front to keep communication open with your dd. I think you have the right approach with gently reminding her to not focus just on her bf. But yes, I would also be worried too as we all know how rocky these relationships can be. I don't think you need to welcome bf into your house. You could explain it to her as keeping the house as a safe and quiet space for her to get away from outside pressures.

On my front, things are relatively quiet so that's a positive. Long may it continue!

@Okisenough
Glad things are quiet at your end. Hope you are able to relax and worry slightly less.
Thanks for your thoughts. Good point about keeping the home a safe space. I also have a younger DS who is almost 15 so I can use that as my excuse.
I do realise open communication is crucial and I shouldn't shy away from it.

@@destiel00
My DH can be quite self absorbed when it comes to work especially but he would do things when I am in trouble.
Have you tried asking him clearly to do things? Men cannot comprehend what needs doing most of the time.
Honestly!

You make a good point on not having to agree on everything when it comes to DD and relationships.
Thankfully she is on the pill because of ADHD and horrendous mood swings but I still need to have the chat again about consent, boundaries etc.
She is a people pleaser and impulsive and this is what worries me the most.
I may take her out to coffee and cake this weekend and see if we can have a chat.

That sounds like a good plan, @dark

Perhaps that what I need to do...but it's just exhausting 😞

Hoping you all have a good weekend 🤞

Dd and I are off out shopping tomorrow at she needs some gifts for friends

Older dd is visiting bf this weekend

Thank God dry January is over tomorrow!!

We had an okay week, I had to push back against attendance for putting DD down coming in late as unauthorised. She has a stomach issue and they have been given evidence. I actually emailed and asked what more did they want - total silence.

The good news is she is being re-referred for ASD testing. We went through an initial round a year ago by CAHMS but it was a shit show to be honest. They focused on the fact she had friends and sent us away. We could have gone back but it would just have been the same.
Anyway we saw someone through the GP this week and she has referred us elsewhere, the wait is not that long. She clearly had a lot of the traits AND friends.

@MinionKevin
Good on you for challenging the school.. hope they back off and offer support rather than being a nuisance.
Hope the ASD appointment isn't too much of a wait.
It's annoying when they use the same measure for everyone. You would think they at least know each person can be ND and yet very different.

@destie hope shopping isn't stressful.
Hope you are feeling better.

Have a good weekend everyone

Xx

Ugh.
Don't get me started on attendance rules at schools.
Seriously.
I begin to rant 🤪

Hope the weekend has been OK for everyone?

Older dd back soon and I'll be glad to see her - I miss her when she's visiting bf

I think dd and I are going to watch an old style musical later - 7 brides for 7 brothers, maybe 😃

Hope the chat went OK @dark?

Dds has counselling again tomorrow, and she has a very busy week with one of her hobbies, so I'll be glad when it's next Sunday...

School is starting to put on revision sessions on which dd feels she needs to attend, but it's a lot, and I'm worried it'll add to her anxiety

I feel - and look - like roadkill. One of my voluntary roles is trying to get me to do something I've told them I'm not available for, so I'm going to need to be firm on that 😬

It's a new month, so I'm hoping for a better one 🙏

Hope February has been good for everyone so far. We are as always up and down.

On a slightly different note, I would like to ask all of you how you manage your own mental health? Although I feel our journey is now mostly gradual improvement with regular hiccups and trips, I still get days of being overwhelmed and anxious, and I don't think I am very good at dealing with them!

Hi @okisenough

I'm glad things are relatively calm for you atm.

It's a very busy time for dd atm as she's involved in an extracurricular activity that is pretty full-on until next week. She's loving it, though.

Re: My mh. Well, I'm struggling. Waiting for the next "episode". Lots of lots of exam stress. Unfortunately, there has been a disappointment wrt to one of the possible post 16 options :( it seems lots of schools near us are reducing their subject offer which is not good for dd.

Otoh she's considering a btec now.

I seem to be constantly "on the look out" for any signs of anxiety.

Next week will be hard as dd recovers from this week of being so busy.

I have no advice re: how to cope :( I'm just trying to practice some self care, listening to podcasts, reading etc

Roll on half term...(although that in itself might cause more anxiety...) :(

@destiel00 Glad to hear your dd is having an enjoyable week. I can recommend BTEC, one of my other dc did it and they found it really enjoyable, far less stressful compared to their friends who did A-levels and you had more time off to do the work or just rest. I am glad you are doing self care. I think these things all help.

I do get that waiting for the next episode and sadly in our case it does come. In my most stressed moments, I always read articles about how ND kids mature slower than their NT peers so don't reach adulthood in some cases til their 30s. This actually makes me feel better and calmer believe it or not as I do think it mirrors our experience, each year my dc's episodes feel less explosive, they manage to regulate a bit better or we can talk through it more rationally so I genuinely believe that this path we walk will get less rocky and steep.

Hope everyone has a restful weekend.

That's good to hear re; btec.

Sadly dds school have really messed up.

She got extra time for mocks (no idea why) and now they've actually assessed her and she doesn't qualify....so now dd thinks she's going to fail because she won't get extra time 🤷‍♀️

What a mess

She'll get rest breaks apparently

I knew this year would be hard (older dd doing an industry placement too...) but Jesus, it's only the beginning of February, and I'm struggling...

I met up with a friend this week who is having issues with her older child at uni still, she regrets not getting some issues sorted when they were younger. So I agree they don’t grow up at the same rate. I have no plans for DD to move out or go away at 18, she wouldn’t cope.

we also had mocks. A rocky start as DD started her period and it makes her basically irrational. She missed a few as she freaked out. Once we got past it she was fine. I’m going to give her delay medication for the real ones.
@destiel00 DD gets extra time. That’s terrible as it does take the pressure off. Sometimes she doesn’t use it but if it’s essay heavy then she does.

I'm struggling today.

Dd is having a post extracurricular activity slump - I expected it, but I'm still really pissed off.

She's had a fab time, loads of friends there... great experience and...she's really down again.

I can't help her. She's SO anxious about the future. I've explained til I'm blue in the face that she doesn't need to have it all figured out at 15.

I'm utterly spent tbh. I've nothing left to say to her. Nothing I say or do helps.

I've spent the last week running around to various venues, making food drops, attending events... and she's still so miserable today.

I feel so guilty for feeling so cross with her.

One of her teachers asked me last week how she was, and I said, "She's ok, until she's not." And that's sums it up. She's spent a week doing an activity she loves with friends. She was on top of the world yesterday.

I hope I wake up less angry tomorrow.

My daughter is a little like this. We had a lovely day out in Saturday, initially she came out of the venue happy and buzzing and then I could almost see the ‘shut down.’ I was angry thinking of how much it had cost for the event and watching all the other people excitedly chatting about the event. I do wanted to encourage her to chat but I bit my tongue and dealt with my own frustration silently. Once in the car she fell asleep… I think she was exhausted by the stress of the day. I find it really hard as when she’s shut down I want to chat to her to help but I’m learning this is what I need and not her… she needs to be left to work it out and she will come out the other side more quickly if I leave her.
In fact the more I help, the more her anxiety seems to accelerate. It’s almost as if my help is reinforcing that there’s an issue but when I chill out she realises she can cope. Hope that makes some sort of sense.
Hope you have a better day today… be kind to yourself as I think we take all the stress on our backs and forget to be as gentle with ourselves as we are to our loved ones.

Dd has gone into school today, which I'm relieved about. She's caught the viral illness her group has all gone down with (last time she caught covid!)

Counselling this afternoon

She's got to decide whether to train for the next event (July) or not. I'm conflicted. She has gcses, which she's very stressed about, but otoh she loves it and it could be a good distraction?

Argh!

Hoping to hear back from the 2 colleges this week...dd is adamant she doesn't want to go to the school that now offers her a level choices 🤷‍♀️ I can see where she's coming from.

The other preferred college is looking like it's reduced it's subject offer so that's looking unlikely now

So maybe a btec?

Sigh...

I wish we lived in a big city with more options.

I'm trying to encourage going to view 6th forms, but dd just gets so anxious

She needs a backup plan :(

@destiel00 I recognise this behaviour. I agree with @Roodledoodle83 , sometimes what we need to do or say is not what they need. I have learnt (but still only manage it 70% of the time) to do my best to just listen if they are moaning or panicking, offering sympathy 'that sounds hard' or 'yes it can feel really scary', I do not offer any advice when they feel like this as it only makes things worse (this means a lot reminding myself not to do it as your first instinct is to fix things). It may not feel like it but they do generally know what to do, they just need to get there. I also find that once they have got their equilibrium back, any advice can be discussed then.

With regards to colleges/6th form, I would say keep gathering the information, filling out the forms, even if DD is not interested. My dd was the same and was determined to stay where she was even though I knew it wasn't the right thing for her. She just wouldn't listen so I left it. Then early in year 12, she wanted to leave but it was too late to start sorting it out and she wouldn't take a year out. We got through to the end but if we had moved perhaps it needn't have been so difficult/dreadful.

I try and listen, validate her feelings, but God, it's hard:(

She's turned down an interview for one 6th form that does her preferred choices :( I do get it - We weren't exactly blown away, but if she got a place at least it would be another option?

Haven't heard from the other 6th form yet, nor about the reduced subject offer from her 1st choice.

It feels like she wants her 1st choice because it's the closest, she knows people who have been there, fairly new building, it's not too large...

I'm trying to gently suggest it doesn't matter what the building is like or how large it is if she isn't studying what she wants to study!

I've been applying to others, but, tbh, it's pretty pointless. Her preferred options are a bit niche. It's now about which is the least worst option imo 🤷‍♀️

We live in a small place, no 6th forms locally, but also very poor public transport. A great combo!

I think it will be a huge shame if dd doesn't do her favourite subject (she is predicted a 9) because her 1st choice has decided not to run it.

Sigh.

Any advice?

Oh, and counselling was cancelled this week about 5 mins before.

Sigh. Not ideal.

The thing with sixth forms is you can move. My friends daughter moved in the first few weeks and I remember people doing it when I was young.
They want you to sign up/commit so they know numbers for courses, but if she hates somewhere it’s much easier to move than school.

I keep telling DD sixth form is different. One of the teachers came and spoke to her about how she only needed to be in when she has to be. She’s just struggling with a 3rd choice as the one she would have chosen doesn’t look like it will run.