Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 7)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Goodness,seventh thread!
Welcome back to those who have been on board with me since the days DS was first struggling,and hello to new faces

This thread is for those who care for anxious teens.some of us have diagnosis of ASD/anxiety/depression,others are encountering and navigating escalating symptoms that are starting to prove troublesome

This is a safe,non judgemental space to share ideas,offload worries and provide support and kind words for those deep in the trenches

We get how utterly exhausting it can be and are not afraid to celebrate the small wins that in regular circles would be deemed as insignificant as participating in "normal activities"

Thank you both x
Sorry to moan so much
It's odd. Dd has a very good intellectual understanding of her anxiety but can not help herself whilst in the throes.
Text book panic attacks.
She feels embarrassed and silly afterwards.
I'm annoyed with myself that I'm taking this so personally. I know it isn't personal. I'm glad I'm her safe person, but God, it's exhausting.
I need to stop asking questions and just sit and hug her when this happens.
She refuses to talk to friends about it, she prefers talking to "older people" (in her words).
I've no idea if this is common or not?
I have an awful headache so off to grab some painkillers x

Hmmm.
Dd has just told me she thinks she's grown (again).
She's now about 5' 10"! (She doesn't get her height from me..)
Do any of you know if growth spurt can worsen anxiety?
It sounds plausible?...but may be reaching!

These are bitesize videos from an organisation running courses for parents dealing with teenagers with mental health. I never did the actual course but I found these short videos really helpful and comforting.

I second the book "Never Let Go" by Suzanne Anderson who also runs the parenting mental health Facebook community.
It's really very helpful.

Thank you

@destiel00 so much of what darkchoholic says here is true for all of us on this thread and includes knowledge we have learnt the hard way. Often they want to be heard and they want to rant and we as parents want to fix and solve but in my experience this response made things worse. Yes we need to sort out appointments, they need to eat well, sleep, exercise, take medication, supplements etc etc but at that moment, none of this advice gets through! Better to just sit with them and try not to offer ideas, which is so hard to do when you are also panicking, afraid and tired. I also agree with what she says about medication, it can take a while to find what works and even when it does help, it often isn't a miracle cure.

I have definitely felt the anger and I hate that I sometimes feel like life has been unfair when I look at my friends' kids of the same age who appear so carefree. But then again dc has some amazing talents and I wonder whether this is the pay off?

One last thing which may not apply so please ignore if it doesn't. During this journey with my dc, we discovered ADHD and autistic traits. This led to medication for ADHD and a better understanding of what was going on. Also ND people's emotional maturity lags behind their peers by about a third so I lowered my own expectations which made me feel better and less stressed. They will get there but it will just take a bit longer.

And no need to apologise for moaning on this thread. This is what it's for.

I hope you get to have a nap and everyone sleeps well tonight.

Thank you.

You're right, I'm trying to "fix" things because that's what I do.

I've woken up with a terribly painful shoulder 😢 I'm falling apart!

I'm hoping the meeting goes ahead tomorrow but no email yet...

Dd going to the gym again tomorrow and we are going to bake a cake.

An email is in my drafts waiting to be sent to school on Tuesday.

Not much else I can do

Morning all,
Hope everyone is OK?
It's odd. Even when dd has a good night, I don't.
I actually feel sick from tiredness:(
Thank you for the link to the YouTube videos. I watched the intro last night and will try and watch the rest today.
Dd asked me to wake her in prep for school starting tomorrow, so she is currently making her breakfast
Video call at 11 am so 🙏 that dd likes her, and she feels she can help.

@destiel00
Hope appointment went well.
A good therapist can make so much of a difference.
They will be able to get through the "I don't know" eventually.
Glad DD was up and making her breakfast today. It's little things like that which are key in helping them get better slowly.
At her lowest , DD couldn't do anything - even make herself a cup of tea.

That sounds very difficult and scary @darkchoc :(

Both dds have gone off to the gym.

The meeting went well, I think, but there is no availability until the end of the month.. need to fix a time that won't disrupt dds timetable too much.

I'm going for a nap!

Evening.

Appointment made to start weekly therapy/cbt in a couple of weeks.

I have some forms to fill in, and dd has a questionnaire about her panic attacks.

Dd is back at school tomorrow, and extra curriculars start up again this week after the Xmas break, so hopefully, that will bring more structure/routine.

Older dd is here this week, so I'm helping her with some uni admin. I'd love to just have the house to myself and just...be, you know?

Thank you all so much for the support over today past couple of weeks. I was feeling very, very low.

💙

Happy New Year everyone, lets hope 2025 brings calm and happiness.
Welcome @destiel00 please feel free to rant on here whenever you need to its a really supportive thread full of good advice, although sadly no magic wands. Anxiety and panic attacks can and will improve but it does take time, its one step forward and two steps back and as others have said unfortunately we cant fix it, there is often no reason no logic and accepting the situation is hard, a kind of grief, but all we can do is sit by them and support them as best we can, but do be kind to yourself too, its so very very hard. I hope the CBT helps, how was going back to school?

DD went to her first ever NYE party, was scared before and exhausted afterwards but she did it.
Going back to work/ tuition has been hard, shes hard a wobbly start and Im juggling trying to work, thankfully from home, whilst trying to get DD to tutors, up and ready etc. She fell asleep in one online session today!! I then feel like a failure that ive been too distracted with work to properly wake her up and supervise but Im trying to ignore those feelings and just accept that we do our best. Still sometimes think is she just being a bit lazy/normal teen behaviour or is it anxiety/autism, should I start to push more, now shes not in crisis anymore?
She has her English Lang GCSE results tomorrow/well today now as its just past midnight. Fingers crossed she passes and is happy with the result.

Hope everyone elses back to school and work has gone as smooth as possible

Hope your dd got the result she wanted, and thank you for the welcome x

Dd back at school. Seems OK atm.

I feel quite unwell. I think it's all hit me...lack of sleep etc so I'm taking it easy. Its also very cold 🥶 here today (-6!)

@Runnerduck34
Hope the English GCSE went ok!
I agree that It's very hard to know what is teen behavior and what is their ADHD/autism.
I was talking to DD about this last week especially with her sleeping excessively. I know teenagers need more sleep but she was averaging nearly 14 hours during the Christmas break and would still joke about a nap and I would try and not let a loose comment.
DD also is a very much "on my terms" person and I suspect a slight pda profile when it comes to school work, eating well etc so these days I find the less I say the better my own mental health is.
Xx

@destiel00
Glad back to school is ok for DD and you get some time to yourself when older DD back at uni.
Fingers crossed the CBT is helpful.

I know DD needs something more than the counselling she is having but I keep reading CBT doesn't suit ND kids and I am wary of that. We did DBT but I don't think she really uses the techniques to be honest.
Besides she loves her counsellor and hates the thought of not seeing her.
We are ok with the college so far after DD restarted the year dropping school to move to college. She keeps saying how much she loves going in everyday and the relaxed atmosphere really suits her. For that alone, I am grateful.
Last year this time we could hardly get her in even on a very reduced timetable.
Not doing too well on the eating side of things but there is nothing I can really do about it.

Reading the book "skills based caring for a loved one with eating disorder" and it's quite helpful even though it is primarily geared towards anorexia.
They talk about different types of carers..are you a kangaroo (do it all parent), rhino ( do it my way parent), ostrich (bury your head in the sand parent), dolphin (guiding by slightly going ahead but staying side by side) , St Bernard ( staying calm and composed next to the person lost in snow storm, unwavering in crisis till the rescue teams reach)
It made so much sense...I am so guilty of yo yo'ing between rhino and ostrich I think...
A lot to reflect...amazing how much of this makes sense in any situation..not necessarily mental health.

Anyway I am rambling!
Hope everyone has a good day.
Almost weekend....
Xx

Hmmm
I think I'm a cross between a dolphin and st Bernard :) (there's an odd mental picture)
Dd said she's felt something "ominous" on the horizon today 🤷‍♀️
I did point out that nothing ominous has happened...
Maybe it's because she spoke to a couple of staff members today?
(Which she said was helpful..)
I dunno.
I need to just take things a day at a time and not pre worry
Sigh
I hate this 😒

DD got a 7 in her English Language GCSE, so very pleased with that.
@darkchocholic I've read a book with same terms when my eldest was suffering with anorexia, I think I flip flop between most of them depending on circumstances and my stress levels!
So pleased to hear your DD is happy at college 😊 always good to hear positive news
@Destie100 hope you are feeling better.
Taking one day or even one moment at a time is often the best thing to do, although can be hard to achieve, being in a state of high alert all the time is exhausting.
I hope tomorrow is a good day for everyone.

Fantastic! Well done to your dd 👏

Things here are ok ish.

Elder dd has succumbed to a nasty infection, so we spent the whole of yesterday afternoon at the ooh drs :(

Dd has just left for school. She said she didn't have a good night wrt episodes of wakefulness, but didn't come in to me, so maybe that's progress?

Gcse tutoring starts this evening (at dds request), but I'm questioning every parenting decision I make atm and am now unsure if it's just adding more pressure :(

I was supposed to have a dental appointment this morning, but I genuinely feel dreadful, so I've cancelled. I seem to be struggling to deal with very normal things lately.

Got a horrible day in the diary on Friday with a meeting which will be very unpleasant. I usually take these things in my stride, but
...

I've also been asked to do a favour for a local group and I've agreed but I wish I hadn't!

I got quite upset last night. I was scrolling mn and there was a thread along the lines of "what are you looking forward to in 2025?" and I realised that, for me, the answer is "nothing" :(

Not like me at all. We have a weeks holiday booked in one of our favourite places in the summer and even that isn't making me feel happy. (Oh dear, my diamond shoes are too tight, right!?)

I'm getting quite cross with myself.

But. For today, I'll drink my coffee, make sure elder dd is OK, and takes her antibiotics and just try and relax

I hope you all have a peaceful week x

@Runnerduck34
That's great news! What a relief for you.
Xx

@Runnerduck34 That is fantastic news. Well done to both of you.

@DarkChocHolic I am so happy to hear your dd is enjoying college. Definitely something to be grateful for. Hopefully as this continues the eating side will gradually improve too. I always regret not moving my one to a more relaxed college environment.

@destiel00 see how the tutoring goes, if it adds too much pressure, you can always stop it. With my dd we went through so many things that were meant to help but didn't. And we still haven't found a counsellor that has struck a cord with her. You can only try and see! I don't know whether to keep going on that front or not!!!
Remember you can only give what you have! So don't feel bad about canceling things you can't handle at the moment. Dealing with this situation takes a real emotional and physical toll. Good luck with the meeting on Friday.

Here things plod on. DD returns to university soon after a long break. It should have been a nice break but sadly due to a health issue, things were rubbish in a different way! Honestly, I felt like saying to the universe, are you having a laugh? But I am thankful that she is slowly moving in the right direction so by the time she graduates...........Hope everyone has a lovely calm week.

That's very true, @okisenough

I hope it helps with her confidence

I've rearranged my appointment for next week 🤞 and have sorted out elder dds meds issue

And! I've finally managed to change the voice on my sat nav! 😀 this is a minor thing, but I HATE the horrible computerised voice and it's now a lovely real voice instead!

Small things 😀

First week back and she only managed patchy attendance. She’s been in and had a good day today but that means nothing in terms of how the rest of the week goes.
one of the issues we have is she doesn’t do all the GCSEs and has free periods which she doesn’t cope with very well. After much complaining she now has a tutor for one of them and a teacher is taking her for another. Hopefully helps.
Just desperate from more of a break.

If the free periods are triggers, then shouldn't school be providing adequate support? Does the school have a hub she could go to?

School refusal is SO tough, I feel for you x

Poor older dd is feeling really ill and starts an industry placement next week 😑 hope the antibiotics kick in soon!

Dd has a school trip this week she's looking forward to. Tutoring last night went well, and the tutor was impressed with dds knowledge 😊 so Im hoping that gives dd some self-confidence

I feel like roadkill. Just as dd starts having better nights, older dd gets ill 🤒 😷 🤧 🤢

Ugh

Older dd is pretty stoic, which generally means that by the times she admits she feels ill, she's quite unwell

I'm pottering around today doing laundry. Dh has arranged for an electrician to come out this afternoon, but he's dealing with that

I intend to rot on the sofa 🛋

Hope everyone is having a peaceful time x

It’s the hub she has an issue with, it’s busy and there are certain students she doesn’t cope with. She has been offered alternatives including a quiet work computer room but she struggles with no interaction.
I do understand schools position that they can’t cover them all, there isn’t the staff. There’s a lesson she should go to but won’t and that would fill a lot of them. It’s up to 7 a week, and they’ve now covered 3. A couple of those sessions in the hub are okay too.

she went in late today after some tears and then had a great time, is in a good mood and doing some work!

It's such a rollercoaster, isn't it!?
Glad she had a good day today