Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

Sorry, that should say "what I want".

@hashebeenyet acting and putting on a brave face is draining. It's difficult, it's hard to let the mask slip though but sometimes because of circumstances I don't have the strength to do it and reduce my interaction with others.

On some days off I find it very hard to get out of bed....I will lie there for hours trying to get motivation to get up. I think this is not good self care.

It's good you have a lovely partner and housing sorted 😊

I hope what you want becomes reality and you find peace x

Thank you @Sugarmole

It is difficult to let the act slip, especially when you fear other will be annoyed if you're miserable. I too could easily stay in bed all day and have done in the past, but I'm forcing myself to get up now.

@hashebeenyet I hope you're having a good day.
It's good you can force yourself out of bed. I'm going to look at ways to do this.

I'm really going to try and focus on my wellbeing next year. I also don't want people to pull me down so I will try and be strong.
We deserve happiness ☀️

Just popping in, I have been pretty rubbish at self care these last couple of weeks TBH, but still trying to do what I can. And I’m really trying to just remember that I don’t need to be “all or nothing” about it.

I hope that Christmas is kind to all of you 💐

Thank you. DP took me out for lunch so having quite a good day😊 Hope you are too.

I definitely find surrounding myself with only positive people helps. A lot of people I knew were quite negative and it definitely rubbed off on me.

I hope everyone has a good Christmas 🎄

@KintsugiKomorebi self care definitely doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Wishing you a lovely Christmas too🎄🥳

@hashebeenyet great you had a lovely day😊. Mine was good too, I felt much better after meeting a friend.

Your right about positive people but sometimes it can make me feel worse depending on my mood...I think it's the comparison of lives.

Have a great Christmas too🎄🥳

Yes I understand about the comparison thing. I'm not good at being around people who seem to have it all and take it for granted. I don't like being a jealous person, but it just makes me think, that could have been me if I hadn't f@cked up.

I'm home alone now and actually thinking the evening wasn't that great. DP was tired and quiet and I was too, as I'm full of cold and now I'm thinking, what if I'm not exciting/happy/positive enough 🙄

just a little reminder that the winter writing retreat info has gone out into emails, and the course starts in two days. i'm not promoting the course or anything, i just remembered some of the ladies wanted to do it, and i want to make sure they don't miss out. it's really good for self care!

I saw the email and am hoping to do some, but right now we are having major neighbour problems at home and its totally drained me. It's hard to function but I'm trying to still do the basic things to keep life going! Fortunately we are moving (for this reason) in the new year, but we still have to deal with it for a little longer...not sure how but we'll get through it

Sending you positive vibes for getting through the remaining time at your current home lamp it’s so hard having neighbour trouble 💐

How’s everyone doing in this post-Christmas limbo period? I am mostly feeling better having had a sore throat, and thankfully it’s been a truly relaxing week. I’ve finished two books and an audiobook in the last few days which feels good, and they were quite empowering too.

Maybe it’s the new year approaching but I am feeling more inclined to try and get fit (I really need to lose weight too, and reduce my blood sugar as it’s in prediabetic territory). I have to be very careful though because it seems to take so little to tip me into flare up (fibromyalgia/CFS/PoTS). I need to just try and make gradual changes and not get hung up on the bigger picture, but it’s really hard with this topic for some reason.

Also, now Christmas is over, I can no longer ignore what’s happening in the new year. H is currently trying to find himself somewhere else to live. It’s my decision - he doesn’t want to go but TBH telling him is the biggest act of self care I’ve made in years. Pretty scared of coping on my own (with three ND kids who will be blindsided by this) but it’s all the more reason to build up good habits and look after myself properly as much as I can.

@KintsugiKomorebi good luck with your new domestic set up, you might feel better in yourself now. Thanks for the thread. I am doing ok, I did slip until I got fed up with slipping! Having a friend round did make me catch up with house work.
Am trying to set up a routine now.

Hello! I've been absent but I've been very productive regarding eating healthy, exercise and housework.
I'll start studying an online course tomorrow and I need lots of motivation!

Having friends round is good for motivation isn’t it! I want to do that a lot more once H moves out.

Aloha that’s so exciting about your course! I am really behind with mine, and I will need to swallow my pride and ask for an extension on my next assignment.

i've been poorly....haven't quite the thread----will jump back on when i feel better <3 glad you're all doing good and hugs to those who have found christmas and new year a struggle.

Happy new year everyone! We're on holiday until Friday which has been really good for us. I have been dealing with the aftermath of the intense stress response so I haven't been great at looking after myself, and yesterday I really overate at dinner and felt rubbish all through the night. Hoping to get back on the wagon today and prioritise rest and eating well, as without these the spirals just get worse. Have managed to brush my teeth at least once a day though so I'm taking that as a win, that and washing my face are my two benchmarks for if I'm having an alright day!

Hope the new year brings you a much better situation @KintsugiKomorebi, well done for standing up for yourself. Good luck with the course @Alohapotato and hope you feel better soon @Iwantthistobemyyear!

Omg this thread is SO me, may I join? @KintsugiKomorebi thank you for being the OP.

Just the honesty about teeth helps so much, I struggle with looking after mine. I heavily rely on a hygienist every 3 months, she's amazing but I just can't follow all her advice, she tells me to look in the mirror to get my brushing technique right but I can't look at myself when I'm doing it. My teeth don't look TOO terrible & I'm ok with looking at myself at other times but not with my mouth all distorted and me failing to do it all properly, it's too much. So I do it 'blind' & it's better than not brushing at all or a 15-second 'quickie' (which still happens a lot tbh when I'm tired or rushing) but it's not good enough.

I have a life history of poor self-care, my teeth have been really low on my agenda, bathing & showering not so much.

Bloke, 60s, married, 3 grownup kids, full-time job I'm pretty good at but it takes so much out of me to maintain competence - or the appearance of competence! Youngest son has strong ADHD/ADD traits, and I'm beginning to realise, so do I.

I'm a big fan of doing chores 'while' - eg while the kettle boils, or while the adverts are on tv/radio. Ironing has to be while listening to podcasts. I'll go upstairs to do something nice for me, eg get my book or get dressed in my current favourite shirt, and I'll gather up some washing while I'm doing that, or wash my hair (dull). I find it difficult to just 'do' things I'm anxious about (not) doing, it really helps if it's 'while'. It staves off a feeling of, y'know, FML, is this all I do with my time? But I have to avoid combining chores with food treats! - something I'm working on.

When I was a child, my mum was always telling me (ok shouting at me) to 'just bloody well get ON" with boring or difficult things, and I kinda have an anxiety spike about that when faced with those same things. Omg that sounds so snowflakey! - and I'm 62 ffs, but I don't care. It is what it is, and I have my coping tactics.

It's taken me years and years to develop ways of coping with my fears, and it's an ongoing thing. When I think of the heavy weather I've made of simple tasks & issues, it makes me cry for the sadness it's caused & all the time & energy it's taken up, that I could've spent better on nicer times with my wife & kids.

Happy New Year to all on here, and I sincerely hope we all develop more & better coping techniques, we deserve to be happier!! My wife's a teacher and they have Self Care Club at her school. Well, I didn't have anything like that, so I need it now, simple as.

@KintsugiKomorebi Best of luck with your H moving out, I'm sure your kids will come to understand that, in order to look after them really well, you have to look after yourself really well, and this is all part of that because living with H was sapping your wellbeing too much. They're going to have to factor in your happiness, something I feel kids don't often do (or was it just me?). But it will be good for them to do that; I had very little empathy until my late 20s.

I'm almost over my flu now. İt's been over two weeks now.
The house became a complete state but I've somehow managed to get it sorted this week and now I'm at a loss as to how I get back into the somewhat half hearted routine I had managed to get into (thanks to this thread), before getting poorly. I think I'll just get back to stating the basics-

I've got some washing up to do, a dinner to cook for tonight, I need to shower and I need to get DD bathed. Dd wants to go to the park and I've promised her we will, as not been able to do anything with her for ages. I think the boredom of the flu and being stuck indoors alone has given me some depression. I had to stop the winter writing course but hoping to get back into it, and back into cooking, this weekend. I really missed my boring little life whilst being ill. I hope I can get it back.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Hi everyone and welcome to newbies 💐

It has been quiet but I know January can be really hard. I’ve been plodding along with the self care stuff - I’m definitely doing better with my teeth at bedtime still, but showering and brushing my hair etc are more dependent on whether I’m going out. I don’t want it to be like that but baby steps are what is needed!

Hope everyone is being kind to themselves even if not achieving what we want to 💐

Definitely not achieving what I want, over here, but definitely good advice about being kinder to myself. I guess that's the most important thing, finding that internal kindness, no matter the situation.

I had a lie in- I let DD stay up at the weekends, so that I can have a bit longer to sleep, and now having a late breakfast. It's half price electricity today, until 4pm, so want to throw my laundry on asap then got the rest of the day to wash up from last night and make tonight's dinner. Still need to have a proper shower and bathe DD. It doesn't sound like a lot, but to me, it feel enormous. It's been like that since I became a mum- everything feels enormous. I don't know if that's from brain changes after giving birth or the hormone changes or what, but that's when everything started to feel like this mammoth accomplishment to be conquered. Flu symptoms have past their peak now, it feels, so just the cough and a slight bit of tiredness going on. Going to try and relax all day and spend some time with DD. I feel good that all my other jobs are caught up with and it's just the tasks of keeping up with laundry, bathing and cooking permanently. Maybe one day it will all feel easy again. Very grateful to this group.

Hi everyone.

I'm really struggling today. My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and it sounds like it's pretty advanced, and I have a massive presentation tomorrow which is also possibly the day she'll be having major surgery. DH and I have been arguing a lot and the kids have been a handful. Everything is just piling on top of me. We are also staying with PIL at the moment due to major neighbour issues, fortunately we rent so we have gotten a new place from next month but we have been here in January. PIL are great but its totally thrown all my routines off.

I think today i just need to brush my teeth and feed myself. The problem is that in times like this I am filled with such self-loathing for not being able to function like an ordinary person that it makes everything even harder, like why should I eat lunch because I want to disappear anyway...

DH and PIL are out at a family thing with the kids for a few hours so I guess i will go up and make toast, then perhaps brush my teeth and have a shower. Figure out what to do with my hair for tomorrow and listen to some calming music. Try to be a bit kinder to myself. God its hard.

Hope everyone else is having a better time of it than me!

(reading that back it sounds heartless that I'm not dropping everything for my mum - we don't know anything for sure until they open her up, long story, and she's said in no uncertain terms that I get tomorrow out of the way before thinking about her. I also live in a different country so can't just pop over!)