Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

Well done for cleaning yout teeth. 🥰

Shower is always more difficult because ots a bit cold before going inside the shower but to me it helps turning on the warm water when I'm taking my clothes out so the bathroom is warmer, I also put some relaxing music on my phone.

Hello, yesterday morning was awful. I was tidying out the fridge and had to throw away so much stuff as it was out of date. I felt so bad like why can't I manage simple things? DP tried to reassure me but that made me feel worse. I ended up storming off and then lay on the floor upstairs bawling my eyes out. DP was so confused as to how throwing out some food had led to this. I feel bad as I know he spends half his life tiptoeing round about me in case I lose the plot and I've been managing ok recently to keep my emotions in check but yesterday was too much. He said "let me help you". I don't want to need him to help me. I should be able to keep on top of the housework and plan nice meals and not waste our money on food that gets thrown in the bin. My thoughts were spiralling and it was all just a bit much. Anyway a good cry was maybe just what I needed. I then focussed on tidying my room (the spare room where I keep all my things). I had an appointment booked to get my nails done, I really did not want to go but I had paid a deposit and didn't want to let anyone down so I went. I felt much better last night with my new nails and I had a nice bath and read some of my book.

I'm feeling better this morning. I've wrote a to do list for today but I'm trying to look at it like a "it would be amazing to finish everything on this list but your self worth is not determined by what gets done" list instead of a "if you don't finish this you're a terrible person" list.

Then I’ve considered my priorities for the day: Tidy downstairs, tidy my room, go for a walk, eat well (Slimming World), drink 1 litre of water, buy the Christmas presents I have been putting off.

I've read everyone's messages on here, sending so much love and strength to you all and hope you have a good day.

dd is off sick again. i thought she had perked up yesterday but she was coughing and burning up all night. i dind't get many hours of unbroken sleep with it all...spent the whole night trying to find the energy to reach over to my phone and text the shed people to cancel....was dreading them knocking on my door at the crack of dawn and waking us both up and having to have wasted their time...eventually i found the energy to text them at around 6.30am.

safe to say i'm exhausted and groggy today. it would be easier if dd was sleeping it all off, so i could catch up on sleep with her, but she's up and playing games on a phone and i'm too tired to do anything nice by myself. These past six days, I've had five hours to myself, as she only made it on on Tuesday for her play.

but at least the washing up is all done, my hair is clean and the laundry is all put away and folded. there's not much i actually need to do today, which means i can have a stress free but tired day. i'm grateful i've been taking care of future me, more.

going to crawl into bed and hope she doesn't need too much attention this morning!

Hugs for you @Iwantthistobemyyear hope your dd is feeling better soon. I don't have kids myself but I can imagine it must take it's toll on you when they're ill.

I love that you said - i'm grateful i've been taking care of future me, more
what a wonderful feeling that must be. Future me is very much neglected as I find it hard to think ahead. I would like to start journalling and I think I've found my first prompt to get started what can I do today that future me will be thankful for?

Thanks @Iwantthistobemyyear

ahhhhhhh that made me smile so much @tryinghardeveryday thank you for sharing that with me :)

i might try journalling that today also...although i think the answer is glaringly obvious atm- REST!!

@tryinghardeveryday I'm feeling better this morning. I've wrote a to do list for today but I'm trying to look at it like a "it would be amazing to finish everything on this list but your self worth is not determined by what gets done" list instead of a "if you don't finish this you're a terrible person" list.

THIS!! I am trying to channel this. I ended up sleeping on the sofa until DH came home but had loaded the dishwasher etc so it was only half as bad.

Determined to celebrate my successes and not count the things I don't do. I don't know how all this comes together. I am never going to be someone who has it all together all the time. I don't need to be.

@toowels your words really resonate regarding not needing to be together all the time.

A combination of being told I’m not good enough in my youth together with a tendency towards perfectionism (I suspect the two are linked) really hold me back.

I’ve been battling this for a while but the more I understand about how I’m wired, the more clarity I have about how to challenge my inability to do things ‘for me’.

I don’t want to let the messages I was given in my past (or the people that sent me those messages) be responsible for creating a poor role model for my children. It’s a work in progress but hopefully I’m creeping in the right direction …. Albeit incrementally 😅

Well done to everyone on here for checking in and sharing your progress. It definately helps to know we are not alone in this. Hugs to all 🤗

Well I've rested and rested and done not much today. Heated up some food, which was actually healthy, so that's good. Feel guilty that dd hasn't done anything except be on a phone all day, but it's a sick day and she could've been at school and she's not a fan of me reading her stories. Promised to make pancakes with her at the weekend.
Just feel so guilty though at not doing anything productive today. I wrote down that rest equals productivity, so there's that. My emotions really catch up with me when I don't feel like I'm working towards anything.

Don't have much I need to do tonight, other than put dd to bed. Might have a shower, but will deffo try to brush my teeth. Hair is tied up so hopefully won't need too much brushing!

@Iwantthistobemyyear Sorry your daughter isn’t well. I used to find it quite hard when my children were off sick because it felt like pressing ‘pause’ on the day. But resting is self care so it’s good that you had some rest.

If the energy isn’t there … how about just putting some nice smelling hand cream (or anything nice-smelling) onto your hands while you chill tonight. It’s low effort but still feels pampering.

i’ve got a really nice well-being spray from M&S (‘breathe’) and just have a spritz of that when I cant face doing much else. Just an idea :-)

Hope your little girl is better in the morning.

Well I showered brushed teeth washed hair and brushed it and did some exercise but still feel crappy, took older daughter to a special needs music class after school and she spends whole time sitting in back looking at books that r in the hall so I've decided we r not going back and had little cry in car on way home. Just sad that parenting just isn't what I thought and the impact having disabled daughter has on me my husband our relationship our younger daughter, just life sucks and I just miss my old life when husband and I first started dating and the 12 years before children we had. My oldest will be 7 in January so the missing my old life and mourning the loss of the child I expected to have has been going on long time! Diagnosed at 2.

ah you're doing a great job! Can you look at it that she's absorbing the music and learning to be in a group with others, regardless of whether she joins in or not. my dd is autistic and i can see how much she absorbs from the world around her, so you never know what positive sensory experience your daughter may be having, just reading those books whilst in a room full of people. like sometimes you want to be with people but not completely with people, if you know what i mean. but it is tough to let go of those expectations, i completely get it. i thought i'd have a buzzing social life and be travelling the world with my child, and yet here i am at home alone every day, with no local friends!

i like that idea!

I've got some castor oil i usually mix with some essential oils and rub on my hands! I might do that! dd is fed, and i can't believe how nice it feels having such little washing up to do, when i'm keeping on top of it. honestly, it feels like climbing a mountain every day, to keep on top, but i'm so grateful for this group

I completely understand the feeling of missing your old life though i don't know how it is to have a totally different parenting experience to what you were expecting. Sending support 💙 you did so many amazing things for you today!

My day was a bit of a write-off, I'm not sure how much water I managed but the Christmas cards did not happen because DC were so difficult tonight I actually fell asleep in their room while putting them to bed. Plus work is just a bit rubbish at the moment and saps my energy. However I did make it to the shop and picked up some parcels with Christmas gifts in, plus I managed to take my makeup off after waking up from my nap in the kids room before climbing in to bed (where I am now, fully ready to sleep).

Tomorrow I will focus solely on water. I really notice the difference when I don't drink enough, it has an effect on everything else. I've been thinking of you all intermittently during the day and it's really helped, hopefully you all don't feel so alone either.

Can anyone offer advice? I hate myself so much I won’t go and buy myself clothes as everything looks abnormal on me and as a result I have hardly any which makes me panic.
How do I get over this? I’m literally avoiding going out because I’m so stressed about it.

How do others convince themselves that anything looks nice on them when they loathe themselves.

i've had this issue since gaining weight also.
what helps me is just looking for things i know i'll feel super comfortable in, by wearing. and then I never look in the mirror- otherwise it just kills it for me. i try and focus on just finding clothes which bring me joy by a soft feel and comfortable shape. imagine how little people would have cared in the days before mirrors and try to emulate that way of being!

That sounds really tricky cat I’m sorry 💐

Can you just go for something really basic for now? I struggle with my weight (actually TBH that implies I ever try and do anything about it - I don’t, so what I actually mean is I am huge!) so although I don’t know the reason for your feelings around clothes, it may be something different, but I know what it’s like to feel awful in everything💐

I went right back to basics. Eg in Peacocks you can get jeggings in a few different colours for £15 each, I get basic t-shirts in places like Yours because they’re longer than most places (tops riding up is a big issue for me) - I’m someone who finds something I feel ok in and buys it in all the colours! I also layer them with flannel shirts. It’s almost like a uniform where I can mix and match colours. After that I gradually got more confident and now I can wear more interesting clothes even though my size hasn’t changed at all.

Don’t add anger at yourself (whether for looking how you do, or for feeling unable to buy clothes because of it) to your anxiety about how you look 💜 maybe for now aim for something that’s just comfortable x

I find I can write off a huge amount of clothes in any shop the second I walk in. That amount is gradually reducing but it’s still a lot - texture/material type is a big one because autism, but also knowing they’ll look bad on my body shape etc.

I think we can’t beat ourselves up for feeling like that though. Society is horrible and makes women especially feel like they have to look perfect… but also makes us feel bad for being self conscious. WTF.

Would ordering some basic stuff online be helpful for now as at least it doesn’t require horrible changing room mirrors and lights!

Having said that, if you do feel able to at some point, one of the best things for making clothes fit better is a correctly sized bra, so if you can possibly stand to get a fitting done, that would be worth it. I love Bravissimo. But I totally get that it might sound like your worst nightmare right now 💜

I haven’t caught up with the thread yet! It’s my birthday and it’s been quite nice but I’m still in a bit of pain from having my tooth out last week. One present was some skincare stuff and I used it in a quick shower before a work meeting (I WFH and try and shower before morning meetings but I’m not doing so well this term).

But anyway I am so pleased it’s busy (not that I would want so many of us to struggle with these feelings but you know what I mean!) and that everyone is supporting each other. There is so much stigma around not looking after ourselves but we shouldn’t make ourselves feel even worse, you are all amazing building each other up 🤩

I bought myself a nice notebook yesterday and I want to start journaling again - I have done it before for my mental health but I really want to focus on self care now. I have a milestone birthday in the next few years and I am trying to cling on to the thought of how different my life could be by then, if I could only make small changes one at a time now.

Lurking

I suggest finding out what colours fit with our colouring: eg autumn/pastel/yellow tone/pink tone/bright...

Happy Birthday, KintsugiKomorebi.

This thread makes me want to cry it is so me. I work, look after two homeschoolers, it's 24/7, a resentful ex and horrible money worries and yet I can't seem to get on top of any of it. My MH is in the gutter, I self sabotage, have lost all my friends and so lonely and isolated and nothing seems worth it. The only time I get things done is when someone is helping me or when there is an occasion. I start HRT next week as I am so desperate for relief. My kids are not happy, I am not happy.

I hope the HRT helps, it has made a huge difference to a friend of mine. My two younger ones are home ed as well, it’s the right choice for them (my eldest is in college now) but it is exhausting and since Covid I find it more isolating than before.

Unicorns being a parent carer is so hard 💐 I agree you might be surprised about how much your daughter did get out of that session, it’s ok if she didn’t access it in the same way as others, so if you both feel able to you could try it again sometime, but no rush. Are there support groups for parents of children with special needs/disabilities in your area? If you’re in England there will be a Parent Carer Forum for your county, and if they don’t run things like coffee mornings themselves they will be able to signpost you to groups - even something online might be useful. But equally it’s ok if doing that feels too much right now. It’s easy for me to say because I work in that field, but I have had times where it all felt so overwhelming.

I am struggling to sleep (my own fault as I had too much caffeine!) so I have caught up on the thread. You are all such kind, determined and empathic people 💜

I am going to put an audiobook on to sleep I think. I have slipped a little in the last week because I need distracting from toothache! But I figure an audiobook is better than Netflix for me.