Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

Hi all, haven't had a chance to catch up properly but sending solidarity to you all. I managed to sleep in bed properly last night, I didn't manage it the night before so I'm pleased with that. I have also managed to put up the Christmas tree, however the kitchen is a bomb site and I've had c washing that's needed hanging up for 2 days now so not done. We've eaten food from the fridge which is good, but not nearly used it up and there is a shop coming tomorrow. I've edited it down to not get duplicates so that's good, but I found it stressful. Sounds ridiculous I know. So a mixed bag. I've realised I struggle with the evenings and bedtime for myself from loneliness, I'm motivated in the morning. It's a very hard cycle to get out of though. My situation is not going to change so I need to just keep trying everyday. I'm exhausted, but have to keep going for my little one.

Well done bone 💪

I relate sooo hard to the food issue - it’s been a huge relief to read that so many of us do this! It’s probably the biggest/most impactful effect of my executive function difficulties. I feel a huge amount of shame over it. But shame isn’t productive so I need to try and just celebrate the wins when I do manage to cook etc.

In my case it’s compounded by the fact my husband has similar difficulties (but isn’t diagnosed). He’s moving out next year hopefully (for many many reasons - we aren’t ending the relationship yet though) and I’ve decided not to pressure myself about the food issue until then, as I’ll be in sole charge of what we buy and eat. I’m not assertive enough to change household stuff while he’s here, so in the meantime I just need to focus on myself.

Also feeling less alone knowing other people aren't the best at food in the fridge. I am getting better but it is another secret shame.

Some sofa sleeping last night but did end up in my actual bed before 12.

Currently working from home. Full face of make up and smart top for video call. Pyjama bottoms underneath.

That’s often my work uniform (although I don’t usually manage makeup) - decent top and pyjama trousers! I’m not even managing to keep my new desk clear at the moment so I’m quite often sat on my bed (does mean I can keep the electric blanket on, but it’s awful for my posture)

Managed a shower and hair wash before going out today and used a bit of moisturiser after

Today has been quite tough as I went shopping in the local town. For various reasons I always find this quite hard yet I don't seem to learn and keep going back. I was supposed to go to the supermarket afterwards to pick up stuff for dinner but I just couldn't face it. Instead I came home and had a massive binge. I so badly want to go to bed and write the day off but the house is a mess and I need to get organised for going back to work tomorrow (wish I didn't ever need to go back!)

I've got a podcast on that I know I like and I've wrote myself a list (of course). I'm breaking everything down into tiny little chunks so I know I will achieve some things. I'd like to try and have a positive evening so I can hopefully have a positive morning tomorrow before work starts.

Hope you are all doing ok.

Thank you @KintsugiKomorebi and @Iwantthistobemyyear for your words of encouragement. Clothes in general are a trigger for my anxiety and as a result have avoided buying stuff for years. Now I’m left with hardly any and can’t find anything as I hate everything I try on. I struggle taking care of myself and this thread is basically me summed up.
I hope we can all learn some self love and kindness for ourselves.

i found today hard. dd was back at school. a lot got done as i had a cleaner/housekeeper over for the first time and she was super helpful and chatty but something about being on top of all my chores left a big achey hole in me.
i'm trying to figure it out. maybe it's because i now have nothing standing in the way of me and my goals and that makes me uncomfortable. finding it hard to relax now.

That makes sense Iwant and it’s a big change to have help like that. Can you find something to take some time up - even if it’s cleaning something less necessary? Be kind to yourself about your feelings 💐

Toured this evening and should go to bed, will do my teeth first though. Need to get up early and attempt some Christmas shopping 😬

Hi all, I've been thrown off a bit the past day as DH crashed our car and then we have been told noro is going around at nursery - I have a horrible phobia of vomit so it's really triggered my freeze response and I've been finding it hard to do even the basic stuff.

However today I managed to buy enough food until the online shop comes, pick up some parcels and make dinner. Taking it one tiny baby step at a time and trying to breathe through it all!

Hello ladies, did not have a shower today, spend all day at home in pyjama but I did 30min workout video and I quit sugar (first day today, wish me luck!)

I've had a good day today. Done some essential Christmas jobs and FINALLY hung the washing up from Tuesday. It took about ten minutes. Yet it seemed impossible for days and days. It isn't that I didn't have time, although that's what it felt like. It was negative and paralysing mood, motivation and mindset. I got stuck. I wish I knew how to get past it quicker. Or forgive myself at the time of I can't do it. But I felt guilt and shame all week about it. My own behaviour is baffling to me.

Well done for everyone's achievements today... however small you may think it is.

I'm depressed and struggle with motivation and everything is an effort. I manage to shower, brush teeth but it's always been a routine so that helps.

Washing and drying clothes feels like such an effort as is hoovering. I think I need to get a cordless hoover again as I was cleaning more regularly when I had that to quickly pull out.

I always have face wipes in my bedroom draw for can't be asked to remove makeup in bathroom days.

I'm fed up of cooking and going to the supermarket. I go through periods of doing well and changing bed sheets weekly and then I slip and clothes and wash pile build up.

I plan things to get out on my own at the weekend to meet new people and then make excuses to not follow through.

Stopped exercising which I'm sad about...no motivation.

I was in bed up until around 5pm today as wasn't well last night but I could have done that if I was well which is sad.

Well done everyone.

I've not had the best day, fell asleep this afternoon because I didn't sleep well last night (not looking good for tonight either!), but I did do some washing, hoover, shower and cleaned my teeth ⭐️

Sundays are my nemesis - no need to do anything over here so still in my pjs on my phone. Have decided I will catch up on this thread then go shower etc.

Will then just sit back down on the sofa but will do it feeling a bit better about myself.

I am writing some goals for myself for 2024 - very back to basic ones. Getting dressed every day features.

Managed to go to bed before 12 yesterday with the dishwasher loaded and the kitchen sorted out straight after dinner. Made a big difference to making sure I got to bed at a decent time.

Hi everyone. I've had a good morning today, largely because I got myself to bed last night so was able to start properly today. It makes such a difference. I am going to try and forgive myself when I don't manage what I think "I should" be doing. And try and be pleased with what I do achieve. Sometimes that will be less than other times, and that's ok. This all feels very reasonable and calm today, but I know my mood changes greatly with my cycle and deep aching loneliness that comes sometimes, and just immense tiredness sometimes. I wish I could be the good me all the time. I suppose I need to accept all the versions of myself.

Agreed - all versions of me are fine.

Does anyone else struggle with this: I have someone coming round at 5.45 today. And I find myself completely unable to do anything because I think "oh but someone is coming round". So basically any day I have something on I don't do anything.

Yes I relate to this! I dislike having plans later in the day because I feel ‘stuck’ in the morning. I think it’s related to my insomnia which has been severe at times. I sleep badly, wake early and often fall asleep on the sofa which messes everything up. Then if it’s a 3 or 4 am start to the day I have a bit of a panic that I’m not going to have the energy for any commitments later in the day. So I sit and anxiously fester instead!

The odd thing is - I can have a bad night with 2 or 3 hours sleep and then leave for work at 7:30 and work right through till 6 or 7. Yes - I’m absolutely shattered but don’t have the same procrastination/ anxious waiting/ stuck feeling and manage to keep going pretty well.

The worst is an evening commitment when I am not working in the day … pretty much writes my day off. I don’t get it really :-/

I think it’s a kind of performance anxiety … which transcends into most areas of my life. Once again coming back to the message I received as a child that I was ‘bad’ or just not good enough. These things are complex!

Had a rough few days. Yesterday was very productive but I’m becoming increasingly sad about spending every minute of my spare time on the house and laundry while everyone around me goes out and has fun/socialises etc. Lone parent and my children are teens/young adults … but still there is never any time for me. Single a very long time now and just want to find my sparkle again.

Enough of my pity party… sorry!

On a more positive note- managed a shower and hairwash today (won’t say how long since my last shower 😳) and picked up some Xmas bits.
I’m going to put the radio on (I find this helps me mentally - no idea why) and going to put some Xmas lights up.

Still going in the right direction definitely feel that, with the support on this thread, I am making more positive decisions/actions.

sending love to everyone else on here today and hope you’re all doing okay?

Can I please join? I definitely feel like I belong in this thread! Believe it or not I’m a doctor but I really struggle at home. I totally relate to people saying that on days they’re not going out they might not even brush teeth or brush their hair, this is so me. I force myself to do it on working days but it’s an effort. And I find it so hard to keep on top of basic things that I feel like everyone else seems to cope with easily without breaking a sweat such as housework, grocery shopping, cooking etc. I manage at work but it seems to suck up all of my time and energy and leave me with nothing for myself, but as a single parent I have to keep working to earn money so I just have to keep going somehow. I end up procrastinating over everything at home in a way I never used to do when I was younger and I actually find hard to understand about myself.

I’ve always been messy and disorganised but otherwise used to function quite well generally when much younger. I’ve had lots of major life stresses and trauma over the past decade or two, including domestic abuse, being sectioned with puerperal psychosis after my now teenage child was born, divorce, a very prolonged stressful child custody battle, unexpected sudden death of a sibling, chronic health issues. I have bipolar disorder and feel I have never really recovered properly from postnatal depression, but then I’ve had so much set against me it’s hard to know how much is depression and how much is life difficulties. I think being a single parent especially to a child with ADHD during the pandemic has been very tough and also my job got so much worse during the pandemic and it was stressful to begin with. I think I’m also perimenopausal and I’m also seriously starting to wonder if I have ADHD myself. My functioning is definitely generally going downhill and I really need to turn it around somehow.

Today my main focus is trying to get a real Christmas tree that I bought a week ago up. I mainly don’t have it up because of the corner of the living room that it should go in having too much crap piled up in it. I need to clear out out first. Should have waited to get the tree til it was done but overestimated my capabilities (as usual, I’m still thinking I’m my old self from 10 plus years ago in my head) and thought I could clear it out quickly but haven’t managed it. In reality if I could just get off the sofa and spend a couple of hours doing it, it would be fine but I struggle so much to get started on anything these days. I’m trying to talk to myself more kindly and not eg call myself lazy because honestly I’m not a lazy person and I KNOW this is a whole lot deeper than laziness, but sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself. I used to be able to tell myself “oh tomorrow will be a better day” and believe it but not these days, I start saying it to myself and know that I’m just lying to myself! Argh! It doesn’t help that I tend to go into massive anxiety mode on Sunday because Mondays at work are just so overwhelmingly awful and intense.

The more the merrier and the more support we have the better!

I am so sorry to read how hard it has been for you. I think this thread is about supporting everyone to take the small steps each day to feel a bit more with it. My hope is that the more I integrate the small steps the more time I will free up to figure out some of the bigger stuff.

Like at work - my goals are to keep on top of the small stuff better. My hope is that if I do this then when the urgent stuff happens I am not in a complete panic because the day to day is up to date. I find this really hard though - something about my brain definitely feeds off the drama of everything being a bit chaotic.

Monday morning and feeling a combination of motivated and despairing...

My top half is ready for video calls.

My house is a mess...

I have however had a shower which I think is a big deal (for me at least)

feeling a bit crap and exhausted today. was a real struggle to get dd to bed last night and into school this morning. i feel like that's all my energy for the day sapped, just by that alone. i'm not sure what to do to get myself back into an energised version of myself as even too tired to exercising and i've got no friends in the area i live in and nowhere to go to socialise and boost myself up.

Joining too please. Always let the house get to state where you wouldn't want to invite someone in and then have a major panic blitz where I'm practically cleaning crevices with toothbrushes level of detail. Today I've attacked my bedroom but I'm only halfway. Decided to so lots of throwing away of clothes but means I've got a pile for bin, charity shop, keep but wash, keep and put away, and same again for childrens so now just surrounded by piles.

@Carouselfish can you do half today half tomorrow? I think the key here is to celebrate the half done. If you hadn't started it would all still need to be done