Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

I just signed up! It sounds like a lovely idea - if I manage to remember to do it.

Totally get that it's hard having to spend so long on a bedtime routine as we have similar. But I really hope you get to the bottom of the bullying and your DD makes some lovely friends soon.

I also have to buy a gift for the nursery workers today, but I'm finding it hard as we haven't landed on what to buy and that means it's a huge decision to make in my head! In addition we are all a little under the weather so I'm finding everything a little overwhelming. As usual the first thing to break down a little was brushing my teeth, I don't understand why it is that which feels so hard when I'm overwhelmed. But fortunately I got back on track after a day, sometimes it can take much longer (and then I have the added feeling dirty and thinking everyone can tell) so it was nice to avoid that.

I'm not sure what I should do tonight for self care. I'm leaning towards ironing, it's always hard to start but I actually find it quite therapeutic when I get going!

That's a good idea, I think I'll get a poinsettia, trying not to have chocolate so that would be nice. Thank you.

Sympathy to you, my DD was the same, it was hard to look after myself because I was so busy looking after very. Bedtimes took all my evenings. It did get better, but hard to see that when you're in it.

Ah I love those plants! My nan always had one at Christmas- it makes me think of her.

Hello, I'm not writing much but I'm still working on loving myself. I quit sugar and I started eating low carb since last weekend and I'm losing weight. Yay!

Well done Aloha!

Shocker - unexpectedly going to the office today...good because I had to get showered hair and make up etc but massive shock to the system.

Would love to be in a position where this surprise just meant I had to iron a shirt...

ufff well the relief of the term being over has landed and being able to let go of the worry of having the right uniform clean and the bag packed every day, and being on time with a four year old who resists getting ready. i've swapped it for being with said 4 year old 24/7, which funnily enough, doesn't seem so difficult in comparison. i'm so so so so glad i don't have to do the school run every day now. the same walk, the same faces, the same forced greetings every day. i'm lost now though, as to what i should put my energy into for the holidays.
dd has holiday club for four days next week, during which i shall drop her off in town and then sit in the library or go to the cinema for each of those days and try to enjoy and pamper myself. just going to take it easy today and do some writing and try to do things which will lift my energy levels back up.

hey everyone! hope you're all okay! i feel like I'm overcoming some of my basic mental blocks, but at the moment everything feels overwhelming because i guess i want to catch up on all the things i haven't been able to do with the mental blocks affecting me every day in the last few years. i guess i've got to learn to be okay with being a bit behind from where i'd like to be at this time in my life. i'm going to go back to just listing the basics of what needs doing for the rest of the day!

the shed needs half emptying, because someone's coming tomorrow to fix the roof. i need to do it before it gets cold and dark.

i need to cook a nutritious dinner for me and my daughter.

i need to wash up before i can do so.

i need to shower and bathe my daughter.

i need to put some clothes in the wash at some point.

Wanted to just jump on here and say , I've been on my medication for adhd (diagnosed in Sept 2023) for 1 week and omg its life changing! I genuinely belive it's changed my life! I've been getting on with things my internal monologue has just quietened down I don't feel so negative which is helping the depression! I was so negative when I spoke to myself! And now I don't really talk to myself everytime I do a task! I just get on and do it! Im no longer obsessing over food, I'm not feeling very hungry , do feel sicky which is a common side effect , just so much better! I would definitely recommend anyone who thinks they could have adhd to go to doctors for an assessment. Wait times are long but it's definitely been worth it for me. I do understand this thread isn't just for adhd people but I hope me posting this is OK.

Can I jump into this thread and ask if age has anything to do with it? Since I became menopausal (am 51) I just increasingly can't be arsed It's a puzzle whether it's to do with that, or symptomatic of depression, or a bit of both. This year, I have only just started Christmas shopping (today!), the house has gone to hell, I cannot shift myself off the sofa at night and do things, which always means an insane rush in the mornings. If I could I would take testosterone and see if that helps, it is an energising hormone. Or do anti depressants work in the same way - Undecided about them really. I also badly need my hair cut but I can't abide the hairdressers.

I had my child 4.5 years ago and it's been since then despite always having been a really energetic person before. I deffo think the change in hormones play a huge part, and I guess the brain changes at each life stage.

Hope the shed emptying went alright @Iwantthistobemyyear!

I've been a bit all over the place and I think a lot of it is to do with overstimulation, it really paralyses me. I'm also just going to focus on the basic things, and I also saw this Instagram influencer who talked about doing one thing you need to do then one thing you want to do.

Today I need to drop some things off at a friend's, and bathe the DC.

Today I want to do a bit of knitting before bed.

That's all I'm focusing on! Work is mental and draining all my energy so I also need to spend some time figuring out where I want my career to go (as I'm currently at a good point to switch if I want to). But thinking is hard!

I also have to empty my shed for a roof repair...and god the thought of shuffling round a miserable damp shed in the midwinter just makes me want to curl up. It could be the weather at the moment - we are in the darkest phase of the year and it does affect mood, I guess.

My laundry basket is piled high....
How is everyone doing? Looking forward to Christmas?

I'm tired and stressed. I had a nice shower with lavender body wash.

I changed bed sheets today and feel better.. simple things in life.

Need to hoover.

I've not been doing too well (previously posted on this thread but have name changed). I feel like I'm acting all the time - pretending to be confident, caring. My mum is driving me up the wall but I'm pretending to be a caring daughter. DP can be hard work at times (I suppose they all can) and I'm not sure how to deal with him when he's feeling down. He seems to call me to get it off his chest and then feels better which is great but I just feel useless, my advice isn't really wanted, I'm just an ear. I'm ok with that, we all need someone to talk to, but I just feel I'm not able to help him.

I've no direction in life, spend my time when I'm alone reading or playing games on my tablet or reading MN. I have knitting on the go but no motivation to finish it. I don't watch TV because my attention span is terrible. I don't know what I want from my life really but feel I'm just existing at the moment. I've no friends nearby and there are no groups I want to join in an attempt to make friends.

Sorry for the pity party.

@hashebeenyet sorry to hear your going through a difficult time. Have you spoken to your GP?
I have been prescribed anti depressants again but haven't started as yet.

I also feel like I'm acting again and recently life has got a lot worse (understatement)... situation beyond my control.

I too have no motivation or aim in life. I also start a book and don't finish it... I'm trying to listen to music more to help my mood.

Hearing the sound of Christmas music out and about makes me feel worse and I have Christmas songs in my head. The most awful time of year for many people sadly.

I'm part of the pity party and I don't feel bad about it lol

I hope you have a better day today.

Once Christmas is over, (like the day after Boxing Day) I am going to go sugar-free/low carb for a few weeks, I did that before, it does give you a bit more energy. It's not rocket science that sitting round the house eating chocolate & junk in bad dark weather makes you feel even more shit. Why do we do this to ourselves every year?!

Thank you @Sugarmole 🥰 I'm on ADs and increased my dose as my mood plummeted with the short days. I probably feel ok ish about 50% of the time, apart from the always feeling like I'm acting, just rarely happy. I don't know who I am or how I normally act anymore, if that makes sense. I'm either trying to keep other people happy or slobbing around on my phone!

Getting out is motivating me to clean my teeth at the moment, but it's a real struggle. Every day I ask myself if I can get away without cleaning them 😔

Welcome to the pity party 😂 Hope everyone on the thread manages to have at least an ok Christmas 🎄

I've got loads to do, but I'm trying to feel cosy and relaxed. I had four non-stop days out of the house, where I tried to relax in coffee shops, whilst DD was at a holiday club. I thought it would be a lovely bit of time to myself, writing and taking in the Christmas atmosphere, but it just exhausted me being out and about for that long. I'm so glad to be home now, but have to catch up on all the laundry and housework because of it.

I'm going to stay with family tomorrow and there aren't many buses, so this makes me anxious about having everything ready on time. I basically just need to finish laundry and chuck it all in the tumble dryer, and then pack, and shower myself. It isn't a lot, but it does make me feel very anxious. I know I can do it all, trying to chill out with a disney movie whilst the laundry is on. Someone gave me a second hand tumble dryer and it's the first time using it, but I'm anxious about it. Shouldn't be, because I've switched it on and it seems to work, but it's the mental faff of googling what all the settings are. Such little things feel me with so much dread. Anyway, just trying to get these little things done, so I can go away for a few days, chilll out completely, and come back to a tidy home! My new year's resolution is to go out less and allow myself to take taxis more often to get home in the winter. DD gets drained if we do too much anyway. I'm incorporating doing more paid work at home whilst DD is at school, so I can save up and get a car.

@hashebeenyet good to hear you have medication to help..I agree the weather this time of year doesn't help. I feel like I'm acting alot and rarely happy too. The acting is tiring.

It's good the going out is motivating you to clean teeth..sorry it's a struggle for you. Have you always found it difficult?💐

Pity party..if we don't laugh we cry🤣💃🎄

I don't know when it started feeling like I'm acting, can you pin point when it started for you? It's strange isn't it?
I was diagnosed with depression after suffering a miscarriage 25 years ago and have suffered on and off since. I've tried various ADs, Sertraline seems to help at the moment. I just wish I knew how to be myself and feel comfortable being that person, but I don't even know who that person is.

@Iwantthistobemyyear
Sorry your relaxing days did not go as planned. I find I can have a limited time by myself out depending what I'm doing otherwise I'm happier at home.

I think you're doing so well with your list of things to do and I can understand your anxiety 💐. I get the tumble dryer anxiety too. I'm awful at learning to operate new things.
I've realised I can get by doing the bare minimum outside of work.

I did the washing today which was long overdue ..I could do 2 or 3 more loads though.

I hope your new years wishes and plans come true!⭐

Have a lovely time with your family 🎄💗

@hashebeenyet I think my acting started at schools as I realised people preferred to be around happy people . The acting is strange and has come and gone throughout my life.
Now I'm acting to stop looking permanently miserable as my life has not turned out how I would like. Everything is an effort for me. I went out today and was proud of myself. If it wasn't for work and friends I think I would rarely go out.

I'm so sorry you suffered a miscarriage and suffer with depression 💐. Life can be so painful.

It's good your meds are seeming to work...I have the same one to try. I have tried others before too but never for long and side effects not great. Have you had any Talking Therapies? I had 2 sessions a long time ago but didn't find it helpful.

It's hard isn't it.. what we want for ourselves is so natural for others but we struggle. I want to be happy and motivated and it seems impossible. I do appreciate what I have but I'm empty inside. Life seems tiring but I keep going with a small hope things may be brighter.

That makes sense. I've never been confident, so probably acted for the same reason at first. I'm also very unhappy with how my life turned out and it'll never improve now, I am of course happy with what I've got also, although it's not much, but I have a lovely partner and a roof over my head. You're right, people don't want you to be miserable, so I keep on acting/putting on a brave face, because what else can we do? I just wish I knew who I really am and what I wasn't.