Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

I've done well today, I feel. Didn't manage a shower, but I organised two laundry baskets full of clean washing, and put away into drawers- rolled socks up and everything. I'm decluttering my daughter's room. Having ready meals in the fridge helped me to eat a proper dinner, without cooking, and without ordering take-away or just eating chicken nuggets with my daughter. I spent most of the day staring into oblivion, journalling a tiny bit, but then I played a game which said 'pretend you've just moved here and everything's all fresh and new and you want to get on with things to start your new life'. So I cracked on with the clothes. Which felt so tough, but so satisfying when it was eventually done. I moved all the stuff for decluttering into the corner that the laundry was taking up and my head feels A LOT lighter. Am hoping to brush my teeth before bed, have a decent amount of water and watch something light on the laptop before going to sleep.
Tomorrow morning I hope to shower, get a proper breakfast and tackle the rest of the decluttering. My daughter doesn't sleep in her room, and plays with all her toys in the downstairs living room, so I've decided to make it into a second living room/guest room/work/creative room for me. She can have it back when she's older if she wants. Decided it was time to give myself some love.
There's a medium sized walk in cupboard in here which needs decluttering but once it's sorted I should have a room I can feel relaxed in and want to do all those things I've not been able to think about doing.
So grateful for this thread, it created a bit of a turning point for me, I feel.

teeth are brushed!

Hello, I did well yesterday. Had a shower, made a meal instead of ordering take away and I did also 30 min of exercise ( youtube video). 🙃

I would like to cut the sugar intake...

Please can I join? I'm too upset to post more this morning but I really need to look after myself inside and out. I would welcome any support. Thank you for this thread.

Congratulations and congratulations for tidy up clothes too. That's one of my goal of today, fold and put away the dry clothes and do another laundry.

Welcome aboard!

Um checking in.

Chronicly overwhelmed (also have forms for adhd and autism referal that have been sat here for ages..)

I wish it was easier. Teeth are my big one. House has gone to pot.

This is a great thread. Can I join? I’m a chronic procrastinator and “never have enough time” to do things, and I lack a lot of motivation. I don’t think it’s down to low self-esteem necessarily. I tried journaling, but I get struck by paralysis and can’t write at all. I find it quite stressful. My DH does a lot of “looking after” me, without which I would really struggle more. He does all the shopping and cooking, as an example.

Today's goals:
Taking a shower
Cook meals not ordering take away.
Not eating sugary snacks or Crisps
30min exercise
Fold dry clothes and do another laundry

I'll update later

How often do you clean them? I clean mine in tge morning when i have a shower , makes it easier as I like to feel all fresh after shower... I clean them at night too with all my children, it's easier when you do it with someone else :-)

well done everyone! welcome to everyone joining, we can do this!

feeling sluggish today. my energy seems to be zapped during my sleep!

dropped little one off to school, she didn't want to go, so we were late.

just got in- got four hours before i go and watch her nativity.

need to- make breakfast, have a shower, wash hair brush teeth, make my bed, do my physio exercises, wash up, sweep some mud out of the hallway. put some dirty clothes in the linen basket.

I should try and get it all done now, shouldn't I? So I have a couple of hours to do something fun for myself. I just want to go back to bed, but surely I've had enough sleep?

Hello, don't go back to bed, you'll fill worst after it. Do one of the things that make you feel better, maybe physio exercises? And then shower, bed and ho to see your children's nativity 🙂

teeth are done, breakfast done, hallway swept, have tidied one room also, dirty clothes are half sorted. just need to shower, wash up and physio exercises.

don't know why these three things are the hardest, mentally.

I'm struggling at home, but keep on top of everything at work. The littlest setbacks have a huge impact on me at the moment. I'm overwhelmed by food shopping and cooking. I have a regular delivery, and regularly miss the cut off time to amend it and over order food that I don't cook and have a glut of the same things. It feels like a cycle I can't stop. I know i need to meal plan, shop accordingly and cook the did I buy, obviously I know that, but I struggle to fit it in and feel like I'm stuck and trying and failing to catch up all the time. I can't afford to waste money on food like this, and I need to eat healthily. I end up not being able to face it and getting a takeaway which adds guilt and it's just overwhelming. Sorry for the rant. It feels like such a guilty secret that I can't manage this when I come across as so capable at work. Single parent to lone child, feels very alone at home.

I used to take make up of every night, moisturise. Load dishwasher and refresh living room and clean kitchen surfaces every night without question. Now it is left a mess most nights and I fall asleep on the sofa, kind of on purpose because I'm too tired and it's too daunting to do all of the above. Last night I made it to my bedroom, but slept on top of the bed covers with the lights on without washing my face or chasing my teeth. I just had to lie down and couldn't face getting up to do those things. Yes today I've been on fire at work, motivating others, achieved all my tasks.

What's your job? It might leave you deflated of motivation after motivating so many people?

You are not alone with this!! I do the same with online shops, miss the deadline to edit, end up with a glut of the same things, then sack it all off and order takeaway. And I'm not even a single parent so I've no excuse- your life is very stressful so be kind to yourself.
In other news I made it to the gym today but have now gone back to bed and procrastinating all my life admin. Had a tiring weekend and constant broken nights with the dc and I'm at a low ebb. Eaten so much junk the last couple of days. I haven't journaled in ages. It's funny how some self- care tasks I can do (eg washing my face every night) but others feel impossible (shaving!)
I always get behind on the laundry too. Thus thread is helpful for facing up to the extent of the problem.

you're doubly not alone! I get taken to the supermarket every week and pile things to cook with into my trolley, don't use most of them, and waste it all and end up getting take-away....anyone else noticed they're like this since the lockdown? I wouldn't even be able to sort out an internet shop and take my time with thinking about what i actually need and plan meals these days. single mum to a lone child also.

i think we are doing the right thing by being here and supporting ourselves and one another to take accountability and get it sorted. we've done it before, so we know we can do it!

i managed the shower, washing up and a little bit of the physio exercises in the end. hoping i can cook a proper meal when little one gets home from school soon. feel a lot better for it.

i bought the brendon burchard planner, it encourages you to put effort into all the things you do, and the lay out is really helpful for spacing out the things which need doing and there's some mindset exercises in there each day too.....i mean i was supposed to start it on sunday, and only started it today, but it felt very helpful!

Can I join too? I have bad anxiety and it is exacerbated by sickness which obviously is a constant concern for me now with winter and 2 small children in nursery. Means I'm often paralysed and struggle to do anything but doom scroll.

It was also so nice (if I can call it that) to see that many others also struggle with showering and teeth brushing!

My aim is to do one thing for me at night, last night despite panicking over my oldest seeming off I managed to paint my nails which always makes me feel better. Rest of the house is a mess and Christmas decorations are only half up (obviously got distracted) but I can admire my nice nails in work today!

I also need to prioritise exercise as it really helps lift the mental fog and panic, but it feels like a big hurdle to begin. Today we're off to buy a real Christmas tree but tomorrow after work I'm going to try and do something even if it's just a wee walk!

@Iwantthistobemyyear well done!

I had a good day, ate several muffins (not good) but I exercised (30 min barre youtube video), cooked healthy meals for me and my children , all of us ate fruit, I folded the dry clothes and did another laundry, did the washing up showered and I'll apply tretinoin before going to sleep.

I need to overcome my urge to eat sugar.. I think I'm kind of an sugar addict ..

Goals for tomorrow:
Same as today plus hoovering full house, clean bathroom, call GP to book an appointment and send few emails I've been postponing...

I would like to say I'm very thankful of this thread, is really helping me to accomplish little goals, it might look like everyday things for some people but for me are big goals accomplished as I suffered severe depression the last few months.

welcome! Buying a christmas tree sounds great, what kind of tree are you planning to buy ? :)

It’s lovely to hear everyone is doing so well. Any achievement however big or small deserves to be celebrated!

Yesterday didn’t end so well and I was tired and unproductive today (didn’t eat well/ no water)… then I decided to put my big girl pants on and did some healthy food prep, cleaning, laundry and did my face ready for bed.

Too often I write off the day when it hasn’t started well but am proud of myself for getting myself together and my little bit of evening productivity.

Tomorrow I will drink my water at work! I’ve always found it hard (silly I know) but I’m sure it would really benefit me to drink something other than coffee and Diet Coke!

Alas, I have a headache! I did everything on my list and then went to watch my daughter's play feeling all fresh and bright with the cleanest hair I've had in months and the freshest clothes to go with it. Definitely have gotten out of Grinch mode.

But I've had a headache all evening. I got my daughter a take away as she was such a star and resolved to use the fact I have no other chores to do tomorrow, to start again then with cooking healthy meals from scratch. I don't know if it's guilt giving me the headache or the fact that I wanted to cry at the nativity and held it all in out of embarrassment. Crying is self care though!

Going to bed now though. Being a single mum is hard- no one to give me a cuddle and say well done, when I broke past all those huge mental barriers :(
Taking a lot of solace in this group.

I miss the cuddles and well dones too, it takes such a lot to get things done it would be nice to have recognition or someone to share the successes with wouldn't it. So, well done. You've done lots of great things today for yourself and your child!

Good morning!

@Alohapotato we bought a lovely smelling spruce, it's sat in a bucket of water in the basement now acclimatising to the warmer inside temperatures! Our second year with a proper tree, I love it :) what kind of barre video did you do? I really liked barre when I did it as an exercise style but haven't done it for a while.

@Iwantthistobemyyear you're doing an amazing job :)

Today I am aiming to drink one bottle of water (as in one round of my water bottle) and I'm about to journal to start the day. Last night we sat and made a list of all the Christmas gifts we needed to buy this year and then bought most of them already online so I feel a lot more prepared than I have previous years! I have a bit of family trauma around Christmas (trauma may not be the right term but it's always a difficult period) and so I tend to freeze up and not do much and then feel so sad that me and the kids are missing out on the "traditional" Christmas time feelings. So trying hard to change that this year!

Hope you all manage to get your little goals accomplished today - the little things really add up!