Learning To Like Ourselves - a thread for those who struggle with basic self care

[KintsugiKomorebi]

Anyone else really really struggle with the absolute basics of looking after themselves? I do. I grew up without learning this stuff and married someone who doesn’t know it either.

I have tried so many times to get into good habits and I have improved a bit, but the lovely mix of autism and ADHD make it really hard to manage a routine.

I am such a mess, honestly. I present an image to the outside world of someone who has their shit together but most people don’t have a clue how I really live, how I have to force myself to do even incredibly basic stuff like brush my hair. I keep on top of things like laundry - just about - but this morning I finally cleaned the mould off my bedroom windowsill that I sleep right next to, and it just makes me sad that I live like this. My skin is awful because I eat so badly, I can go days or even weeks barely leaving the house unless I have to for work.

I think for many of us this comes down to executive function difficulties, but also low self esteem. I don’t feel like it’s worth it to look after myself. But I really want to change that and I hope there might be other people like me here - not that I’d want anyone to feel like I do. If you do though please join me, and maybe we can encourage each other to look after ourselves better?

Hello please may I join in? I need to make so many changes in my life but I am incredibly overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start. I’m ok with showering, brushing my teeth and taking my medication. I hate doing all these things but I feel even worse about myself if I don’t so force myself to do them. I work out of the house but if I didn’t I think I would have let myself go even more.

I procrastinate terribly every day and will sit for ages staring into space or playing stupid games on my phone rather than do anything. I have an obsession with writing lists and start every day with a to do list that is so impossible to complete so I end up giving up halfway through the day and do nothing.

Things I struggle with finding the motivation to do: tidying up, cleaning, eating well, meal planning, cooking, exercise, getting things done, drinking water, staying away from social media.

The number one thing that gets me down and makes me feel truly awful about myself is my weight. I am piling it on at an alarming rate and I genuinely don’t know how to pull it back. As a result of being horrendously overweight I feel so incredibly ugly and have given up trying to make myself look nice as I don’t know where to start.

My house is an absolute riot and again I don’t know where to start with getting organised. I’m off work on annual leave and had hoped this would be the ideal time to get myself together and perhaps establish the beginnings of a decent routine but I feel like everything is worse now and I’m back at work in a few days no further forward.

I self sabotage at every single turn. How do I stop this being my life?

sending hugs trying,

can you pick one thing you're going to do, tell us about it and then come back and report when you've managed it? i find it easier to just think about one thing at a time, even if the mountain of tasks is screaming at me whilst i'm doing it.

today i need to 'stay off social media'. make breakfast, lunch and dinner. hoping to make a big meal i can have for both lunch and dinner. i'm not putting any weight on myself other than that and trying to get some exercise in. as long as i stay off social media, i should find mental space to do some things i enjoy like journalling and reading. daughter's off school with a cough, so not trying to think about too much today. a shower would be good, but i'll try to do that before bed tonight, as i had one yesterday afternoon.

I made it into my bed to sleep last night, almost didn't but I brushed my teeth and got into bed properly. The dishwasher was loaded and put on, I didn't wipe the surfaces but it is an improvement. I also got into my pj's and washed my face/ took make up off as soon as I got home from work last night so that when my energy crash came I had already done those jobs. That was a big help yesterday.

Also added a portion of veg to dinner last night and fruit to my lunch today so a very small start to stop just eating carbs and use the food I have in my fridge. Hoping to make a meal for dinner tonight, and move some furniture to make way for the Christmas tree. Little steps.

I try to not look at the bigger picture, just little post cards. I get out of bed and drink water straight away. Brush my teeth then decide shower or just wash my face. (I do a full skin routine of cleanse tone moisturise twice a day it’s now a ritual it’s taken probably two years to create the habit) Then I make my bed. I then do myself and 2 ds breakfast followed by washing and dressing them. I then make a plan for the next hour and so on throughout the day. Trying to make the best choice each time. Sometimes that choice may be staying in p.j’s all day and just cooking for and cleaning up after children. I just look into the very near future and when I’m triggered which in the past would result in me completely falling apart I have breathing exercises that I do for as long as it takes until the anxiety has passed (usually half a day and I will focus solely on my breath and not the intrusive thoughts whilst caring for dc)
hope that’s helpful I’ve no official diagnosis but am pretty sure I’m on a spectrum somewhere.
you are not alone x x x

i managed to have a healthy breakfast this morning (porridge and fruit) and brushed my teeth and had a sink wash. couldn't believe it. took my daughter out for some fresh air too, which almost never happens on a week day!
i cooked cheese toasties for lunch, which isn't exactly the healthiest but i put some spinach and mushrooms in mine.

i cleared out the rotten veg from the fridge and i've resolved to use what needs cooking for a dinner tonight. that's the hardest point- i'm always getting a bit cabin fever ish by the evening to want to cook and wash up.

some people are coming tomorrow to fix a shed roof, and it's during my usual getting picked up to do a food shop time. it's completely thrown me, so i've got to think about when i'm going to fit in some time to do the online shop instead.

maybe it's best if i open up the web browser and just had things here and there to it over the next couple of days. i've got enough main meal food for a few days and can always top up some fruit if i go anywhere.

i don't know about anyone else, but i get anxious if something big comes along and throws my routine off, because i know i can just about manage the basics as it is. so this job of someone coming along tomorrow to fix the shed roof is bothering me, because i have to use some time to help them empty the shed, before they can start. might just have to have an early night, set my alarm and get it done before they arrive. although i felt better this morning for going to bed at 9pm!

my daughter is having some time on the phone, this gives me some time to do something for myself, like journal, but i'm constantly thinking about the dinner needing to be cooked. i need to trust myself that i'll do it this evening!

for the rest of the day my hair needs a good brush, the dinner needs doing (and washing up after), a shower could be had, my daughter needs a bath before bed, and the toys need tidying up whilst she's in the bath. not a lot, but it feels like a lot today. i could also do with some proper exercising- dance or something! going to do some duolingo, to see if that brings my energy levels back up!

Can I join?

I am a disaster. Not from an outsiders perspective but it has all gone to shit!

I decided a couple of months ago enough was enough and now I track the following habits each day: shower, hair (styling or washing etc), make up, skincare and clothes. Clothes can mean either just get dressed or get dressed into clothes I feel good in, depending on the day.

I have weekends off from tracking but try to do it all - rarely succeed.

I hate having a shower. Really hate it. Want it to become an automatic habit.

I usually loiter around any style and beauty princessing thread but really this is what I need - back to basics and support from people who understand that for some reason it is entirely possible to sit in your pyjamas day after day wishing you could make the effort and having a shower didn't feel like such a big deal.

I don't think I am depressed or anything to be honest. I think I have just totally given up and I need to start again

This totally sums up my feelings too! I often look at people who do all this stuff without a second thought and try to be like them, but really my brain just works differently.

I like the idea of just planning an hour in advance. That would definitely help with the overwhelm.

I've managed to get my water in and journal today but I was planning to exercise and I'm just so knackered (youngest sleeping poorly atm) i haven't got it in me after a full and draining day at work. Maybe I should push myself but I also don't have loads of time before having to leave to pick up DC, so...tomorrow?

Ugh "self care" is hard

Step by step, I have done the basics so far. Sent out emails, tidied up and kept kitchen clean and tidy as I went along. Yesterday I finally finished some tasks I had put off and really wish that I had done them earlier, but I am a v g procrastinator! Aagh!
Looks like we have made progress even if small steps. 😍Support to all.

@toowels I hate having a shower or a bath too! Hate getting in, and hate getting out. Love it once I'm in there though!

I'm very grateful for this thread, it is comforting to know that others struggle with the basics. Everyone I know seems to just have their shit together, but I suppose that's what I project too. This has been such a shameful thing for me and I've judged myself harshly for so long. Low self esteem has a lot to answer for. I am working on it though and I feel that I am now very self aware which helps. Thank you to everyone that has been so honest on this thread, I feel like I'm not alone with the struggle reading your posts.

hair is brushed, dinner is on, did some duolingo for my brain. just bunged some pre chopped veg and potatoes in the oven with a courgette i chopped. no fuss, but i feel all my energy has gone into getting back into my groove.

all that needs to do today is to wash up the things used for dinner, have a shower, exercise and put little one to bed washed and cleaned. i'll tidy up her toys whilst she's in the bath. i kept thinking 'oh i've got to do it all over again tomorrow', but hopefully with practise it won't feel like a big deal eventually.

I feel like some of you are already more advanced than me!

Baby goals are to get dressed and look decent every work day. Mostly work from home so this means I have time in the morning no commute etc

Honestly no one other than my husband would have any idea how much I struggle with the basics. To the outside world my life is beautiful. But I just hope people don't get too close to me to notice I haven't washed my hair in a while and that I haven't showered. It makes me feel ashamed.

There is something more deep rooted here I think. But also I think I can spend more time trying to figure out why I ended up like this or I can try to change it every day and do the thinking at the same time.

It's weird - I can see a future me who is always clean fresh and ready to go. And I want that for myself. But at the same time I can feel some part of me resisting it and I just don't know why

I hear you !

I don't shower and only have one a year. My hair is thick and dry so doesn't appear greasy.
I manage to clean my armpits and down below with wet wipes and use Lynx stick deodorant. I also have a collection of dried skin on table beside bed and hankies on floor. Dust in surfaces I sometimes blow it off.
I never hoover or cook any more.
I try to brush hair every day but often don't, I never wash my face but always wash hands after toilet. I do my teeth but it's an effort.

I have autism and ADHD, I rarely go out and cannot work. I am on a lot of meds so I sleep a lot during the day. Busy shops etc make me panic so I do all shopping online.

We are all here for you, Ziggy, if you want to choose your most important task then come back and let us know how you did?

Second this! We're like a little support group with no judgement, just cheering you on :)

We decorated our Christmas tree today and by the time it was finished I was out of energy for the day but still had to get kids bathed and in bed. They're just falling asleep now with DH, I came out and had the strong urge to sit and zone out on my phone but instead was inspired by this group to think "what is the best next choice for me right now" and instead finally took the washing out of the washing machine (been in there almost 2 days but fortunately smelled fine). Now about to have a shower.

This group is gold!

Thank you all ❤️
I managed to put away the laundry today,I folded each piece and put away i drawer, quite a task it seemed .
I only wash clothes once a month. I do change clothes and put on clean pants every day though😃

Hubby got Christmas tree from garage and I put it up and some lights on it. Tired now.

Tomorrow if got motivation I'll hang baubles on it in the morning

I aim to try and do one household task every day.
Tomorrow I'll try and sort the recycling pile.

Just keep on doing a bit each day I guess. !!

I'm very proud of you 💜

Well done decorating the tree and putting out the washing. 💛

I'm actually crying reading this thread. I am not coping either, with teeth, or shower or even clean clothes, my procrastination is out of control.
I can relate to so many on this thread. I am married but like a pp I just wish I had someone that would hug me and help me.

Today I did another 30 youtube exercise video ( barre) .
Had shower, clean teeth x2 ( lunch and dinner)
Cooked meals
Hoovered full house
Clean bathroom
Didn't call GP or send those emails I need to send and I eat almost a full quality street box. 😭. Any advice how to stop emotional eating please? Thank you.

We can help you! Choose one task for tomorrow, just one and do it so you can tell us after you've done it 😉
This thread is motivating me so much!

@tryinghardeveryday you aren't alone, hang on in there