Recovering from breakdown

[EmmaEmerald]

Does anyone have any experience of this?
I thought I'd had a nervous breakdown in my 20s but carried on working. This time I'm knocked out. I got up at 8 and need a nap already!

TheBuggerLugs proper peace and quiet, so good.

I can't take promethezine, it makes me feel ill.

For the first time since mum's stroke in November, I have had a truly happy day, out with my bestie.

Sending you love, hugs and happy thoughts lovely Lugs. Enjoy the time with the family tomorrow. Keep us posted on your progress.

Thank you TheBuggerLugs

really tired after a day out though!

I think deciding to step back from mum's care was an excellent decision. I wish I had made it years ago.

Spring bulbs sound good. I do love spring flowers.

I think yesterday was too much for me. I'm tired and weepy today.

Crying makes me feel so much worse, I try not to.

I'm going to try to nap. I have done some small chores which makes me feel better.

tbh I'm so angry at myself for things I neglected while having a boyfriend - which should have been a clear sign something was wrong, I am a very single woman and really hate relationships and all that comes with it. The knock on effect of caring for mum has been dreadful.

but it is hard to forgive yourself when errors involve money.

one reason I don't bother with therapists is I think they, like most people, would dislike my way of thinking. I should have had my other property sold by now. What a mess.

Right, I must get off MN! I tend to go into "freeze" mode, which for me involves wasting time online.

Hey all. Hope your all having an ok day. Sorry I haven't posted for a few days, I've been on a little caravan break.
I'm continuing to feel ok atm but that in itself brings anxiety because I'm just waiting for the catch, for the bubble to burst. I know everyone else is dealing with their own personal stuff but does anyone else feel like other people just seem to be effortlessly rolling along?

I can't stop crying

Maybe medication is irrelevant
I've screwed up my life so badly
I wasted five years of my life to look after mum
FIVE YEARS I'll never get back

I moved from a small place to a fucking cupboard, what's it going to be like in winter? I feel trapped. I partly moved to look after mum and now I can't bear even talking to her.

I had to wait in all fucking day for a delivery and then they dumped it by the door just now and I can barely drag it into the lift

There is no one who can help me, before anyone asks.

I can't seem to sell the old place, maybe I should move back

I don't understand how I've made such a mess of everything.

The old place is a shitty area but at least it is bigger and equipped for things, getting deliveries etc here is such a pain.

I'm sorry to be so first world but I literally cannot stop crying and I feel so lonely and trapped.

@EmmaEmerald just sending a handhold. I'm mid breakdown too and I recognise your sense of being trapped and overwhelmed although my circumstances are different. My belief is when we get to the point of having a mental breakdown we have the right to do whatever can help us feel better. I've made the mistake in previous breakdowns of trying to pull myself together and do what's best for others.
That's why I've ended up in the worst pit of despair in my life this time because I've completely gone under.
Try to just rest and take care of yourself right now.
When you have a little more clarity and feel calmer, have a proper think. Write a list of pros and cons re moving back.
But wait till you're feeling stronger to take any action. Right now a house move is going to put a lot of added stress and pressure on when you're already so fragile. But if you decide it's your goal maybe it'll give you a sense of hope.

Emma, it's not first world - it's stuff piled on stuff and you're finding it distressing, so for you it's important stuff and it's how it is for you that matters.

I know how hard it is looking after an aging parent. It's wearing mentally and physically. It's like running a 5 year marathon and that's sapped your strength & energy. Please be kind and compassionate towards yourself and give yourself time to recover. I was talking to my CPN about how mental health problems are also really physical health problems as well, and what you'd be doing if you'd had a strength sapping physical illness for a long time - building yourself back slowly. I question whether my medication is irrelevant & if it helps me, but then think it won't be making things any worse.

If things are really bad, would talking to the Samaritans help? I don't know about you, but sometimes my thoughts get into a loop going round and round in my head, and talking to someone, not to get advice but just to talk, helps me break out of the loop and get my thoughts (& hence any action I might want to take) into some sort of order.

Weatherwax thank you for replying, I was about to put an appeal out as a new thread.

the place is just chaos and I can't cope. I think maybe I need to get a housekeeping agency to decide where stuff goes. I can't take it any more. I keep changing things round to suit me and then it still doesn't work.

I was due to check on the old flat on Tuesday but I think I better delay it. 4 hour round trip.

i do have to sort stuff - that's too heavy for me to move so it's a painful process - and then in the meantime I'm falling over stuff. I don't drink much but I think perhaps I need a drink.

MissMarple cross post

I think I'll just keep crying if I talk to them and that really does make me feel worse. You will know how I feel about the wasted time on mum - just, what the hell was I thinking?

in terms of having moved, I think today has probably been worse because it's a new development and the last section just opened. There's been constant people coming in and out. In a slightly bigger place, on a higher floor, it seems better.

I wish we knew what kind if winter it would be.

I don't know if I'm just having a really bad day or what.

@EmmaEmerald I know it's not ideal but are you in a position to pay someone to help you sort things out a little. Just to help clear some of the overwhelm?

@Ilovedogs1 I completely understand what you are saying. After 5 months I'm starting to have a few better days but the anxiety is still very much under the surface and my confidence has been really knocked. I just don't know if I can 'trust' the better days if that makes sense. It's made me quite anxious today even though I managed to achieve quite a lot this week over all. Hope that makes sense.

So I had a quick walk to the shop and got crisps and ice cream

Re paying for help, I think I better decide what I'm doing in terms of staying here or not before I spend money. But I did speak to a couple of housekeeping places - just after I moved and mum was hospitalised yet again!

They all said that sort of service was very expensive - I think you can get it a lot cheaper if you can actually decide where things are going but I literally need someone to sort everything which will be £300 for the day or something.

The heavy items delivered were wall desks - the folding flip type. I'm now looking at the boxes by the front door and realising there's no point getting someone to fit them as I don't know whether to stay here.

Also, I had a nightmare finding a handyman to do small jobs when I first moved in so I really hope it's easier this time round.

It's as if...I do nothing, I get in a mess.

I take action...it's all the wrong action.

This is before you get into the nightmare elderly parent stuff.

Thank you all for letting me vent.

Second Amazon delivery
luckily this guy brought it in the flat

Now surrounded by boxes too heavy to move.

am weeping again. Wtaf have I done to my life.

maybe I should go to the local church tomorrow and ask for help, they normally have volunteers who can do stuff and might be sympathetic to me tal heakth crises?

And how do I stop crying?!! HELP!!

My brain failed there - I have to leave for work before church opens.

I might feel very different tomorrow. I think I overtired myself Friday, didn't leave the flat because of that on Saturday, then was stuck staying in for deliveries today and it was all just too much hanging around in this cupboard for two days straight.

as I keep saying, tears don't help me. So I've had a drink and I'm going to try and settle with a film and then put everything out ready for work tomorrow.

I'll have time out of here tomorrow but will have to plan for the rest of the week. When I moved here I was expecting to mostly be at mum's nice big house.

i'm in the SouthEast.

TheBuggerLugs

Sorry, I haven't been clear, I have plenty of options to go out and I barely speak to mum atm, I don't have to see her.

I had a really good chat with a friend last night and it turns out that's what I needed. I wish I'd had that chat at the start of the day!

I am going to leave this thread now and wish you guys all the best.

I am at the point where I need to take a more holistic view of my overall health and wellbeing and actually plan things sensibly, generally take control. And spend a lot less time online! I used to switch the router off at the wall in the past, a very good approach I think.

Big hugs to all, look after yourselves.

Take care @EmmaEmerald
Give yourself some time and space for things to start sorting themselves out

How is everyone? I'm continuing to feel cautiously better but still waiting for that catch. I feel like my anxiety is closely following just waiting for an opportunity to pounce.
@TheBuggerlugs are you back home yet?