I've taken some time today to think about this because no one's asked me this before.
I suppose what it really comes down to is what other choice was there? Once you've made the decision not to die, there's really only one way to go, which is onwards.
For a long time, I just existed.
You don't need to hang on by much, you just need to hang on. I took all the help that was offered to me, including therapy when I didn't feel it helped. (The therapists soon worked that out for themselves).
It's also worth remembering that recovery isn't linear. It was very much a case of one step forward, two back and for several months I focused on just getting through the next hour, then the one after that.
There were multiple traumatic factors in my 'breakdown' and with hindsight I think it was a long time coming. When I realised how ill I was, I certainly didn't think it would take so long to get better and I try not to think about the time I've lost to it because that's a way to spiral down again.
I have been incredibly lucky that I had savings to fall back on (gone now) family who've been brilliant at supporting me. My gp was brilliant and although friendships have been affected, the true friends stayed steadfast.
When I was able to start some gentle exercise again, it made a difference because the gains I saw physically inspired me - so much of life had become stagnant or was lost, it helped me through the process of picking things up again. I spend as much time outdoors as I can, nature sooths anxiety and the daylight still does me good.
Influencers and the like, like to bang on about what they've learned and how much stronger they are. Great for them but I don't think real life is like for a lot of people. It's not an experience I ever want to repeat so I've focused on building the foundations for good physical and mental health going forward rather than seek out great philosophical lessons.
Without my savings, I would have had to go back to work much earlier (universal credit certainly hasn't been enough to live on, which has been humbling in itself) and I don't know if my recovery would have been the same.
The time and space I've had not to rush it has meant, I think, that I was finally able to do some healing from past traumatic experiences and they don't seem to affect me now in the same way. I'm hugely grateful for that.
I am definitely grieving for the time I've lost and trying not to think about the fact that I may not be able to make up for it in my life. But I don't know what the future holds - I can't control the future. All I can do is create the best life I can, with the cards I have left.
If I'm lucky, the result will be a future which is happy and content.
Finally, I know that when depressed the brain plays cruel tricks. It tells you the despair and bleakness is all there is, that it will never be better. You hang on for long enough and keep your eyes looking forward and you'll discover that's not true.
Living is a cycle, the bad times never last and hopefully with the healing I've done, I'll never be so low ever again. Live small, @Ilovedogs1 and when you're ready, your life will expand again.