Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:11

@ThankYouMama I think you deserve better and I don't even know you.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 21:14

I have OCD. The thing that helped me significantly was a book called “Brain Lock Free Yourself From OCD” and reading a few pages every night (after I’d read it in full). It reminds me the next day that my OCD thoughts aren’t based on reality. Really helps me.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:15

@ThankYouMama Regarding the way his Dad loves his Mum.. do you think his Dad could ever have cheated on his Mum? Do his parents have a really happy equal relationship where they do not cheat and are really respectful to each other both in public and in private? If they don't he might be repeated patterns of behaviour. If they do, he has had a good relationship modelled to him and knows what it should look like but is still choosing to treat you badly. Neither is good.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 21:16

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 21:14

Yes, he is their dad our boys are age 6 and 17 months. Our eldest son is copying some of his behaviour ☹️

Show quote history

OCD is very hereditary so it might not be as simple as him copying him.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:16

@ThankYouMama Do you think you deserve better? If not, why not ?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 21:20

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:15

@ThankYouMama Regarding the way his Dad loves his Mum.. do you think his Dad could ever have cheated on his Mum? Do his parents have a really happy equal relationship where they do not cheat and are really respectful to each other both in public and in private? If they don't he might be repeated patterns of behaviour. If they do, he has had a good relationship modelled to him and knows what it should look like but is still choosing to treat you badly. Neither is good.

My partner is soon to be 25, he is an only child, his parents have been together for nearly 27 years, they are married and are due to renew their wedding vowels soon.

His parents have a good relationship, they love one another very much, I would be happy if he treated me the same way his dad treats his mum, but in reality he treats me the complete opposite.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 02/05/2023 21:24

Have you had any sexual health checks, if you know he has cheated on you?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:32

@ThankYouMama If your partner's father treated his mum like your partner treats you, your partner could have worked through this in therapy. My partner's parents both witnessed domestic violence and were brought up by difficult, controlling people. They essentially repeated the dysfunction. This is very common. Whilst they made awful choice, they also had no idea what normal healthy families are supposed to look like. The fact that your partner had a ( as far as we know) nice upbring with parents that loved and respected each other is incredibly worrying. He has every reason to know how a good relationship should look but is choosing to cheat and be controlling. This is not normal.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 21:36

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:32

@ThankYouMama If your partner's father treated his mum like your partner treats you, your partner could have worked through this in therapy. My partner's parents both witnessed domestic violence and were brought up by difficult, controlling people. They essentially repeated the dysfunction. This is very common. Whilst they made awful choice, they also had no idea what normal healthy families are supposed to look like. The fact that your partner had a ( as far as we know) nice upbring with parents that loved and respected each other is incredibly worrying. He has every reason to know how a good relationship should look but is choosing to cheat and be controlling. This is not normal.

Yes, he did have a nice upbringing, and his parents especially his mother is very loving towards him. Which is a great, because he shows both of our boys so much love, he is always hugging and kissing them and tells him he loves them numerous times throughout the day. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that's not something you really see from young men.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 21:37

@ThankYouMama What would his parents say if they knew how he was treating you? Is he their special golden boy who can do nothing wrong or would they react badly and make it clear cheating on you is awful ?

Botw1 · 02/05/2023 21:43

@ThankYouMama

How do you know he has cheated?

17/18 is very young to be a dad.

24 is very young to be so wealthy you never need to worm.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 22:09

@ThankYouMama He is capable of being loving and affectionate towards them. He had a good childhood. He has witnessed a healthy relationship. He has money. He has every reason to understand how to be a kind affectionate partner. My partner also has severe OCD, even if the rituals are controlled with medication and therapy he struggles constantly with severe intrusive thoughts. Unlike your partner he has had a horrific childhood.. beaten every day until he was a teenager, witnessed domestic violence on an almost daily basis and struggled with his parents compulsive and obsessive behaviour. He still manages to take all the advice me or his doctors give, not cheat, is extremely affectionate. Has never tried to control me. Something to think about.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 22:12

Botw1 · 02/05/2023 21:43

@ThankYouMama

How do you know he has cheated?

17/18 is very young to be a dad.

24 is very young to be so wealthy you never need to worm.

As a woman you just know.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 22:26

@ThankYouMama So you haven't seen physical evidence he has ever cheated ? I thought you meant you'd seen messages on his phone or one of your mates had seen him out with the other woman.

Botw1 · 02/05/2023 22:27

@ThankYouMama

I'm not sure you do always know

Do you have any proof?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 22:37

@ThankYouMama My partner's parents both had anxiety and traumatic childhoods and being together magnified the dysfunction. I think perhaps you both have some genetic predisposition ( if that is a thing, ask a doctor if it is) for anxiety and are feeding off each other. I think you both being so wealthy you do not have to work is making this much, much worse. I think you would have both been much better off having jobs and possibly not starting a family when he was only 18, given he has OCD. It would have perhaps been better to focus on treatment and coping with OCD as an adult before starting a family. We are 30 and 43, been together nearly 7 years and are only just now getting to the point where trying for kids is a good idea, because my partner doesn't want to pass his issues on to any kids. What made you both decide to start a family so young ?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 22:42

@ThankYouMama Accusing your partner of cheating without any evidence whatsoever is not normal. You need to discuss this with your therapist/ a doctor. It may be a sign of you not being very well.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 22:51

@ThankYouMama Thing is, it might be your severe anxiety convincing you that he has cheated rather than him having cheated in real life. If he hasn't cheated then this may be worsening his OCD as it would be a false accusation. I think the fact he is going to the priory is good. I also think you need to spend lots of time apart, separately getting help because the two of you together make each other's anxiety worse. I don't think you should consider living together again until you are both on medication.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 22:54

@ThankYouMama You think you 'Just know' that he cheated. My partner's mother ' Just knew' that the COVID vaccine was a government conspiracy and something terrible would happen if he got it. Nothing could convince her otherwise.

SpacePotato · 03/05/2023 01:16

So you at 20 picked a 17 year old boy with mental health issues to have a baby with because you for some reason desperately wanted to be a mum even though you don't want to or can't do any actual parenting?
Was your upbringing lacking in love op?
Where did your low self esteem come from?
How can you not see that clinging to this relationship is making you worse?

Where does his money come from if he's never had to work then? Mum and dad?
Such an odd situation.

You both sound incredibly immature.

I'm waiting for a call back in regards to my son going to therapy

the therapy won't help if you don't get your son out of the situation that is causing his mental distress ffs.

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 03/05/2023 02:18

@SpacePotato I don't think at 20 many of us could have predicted how our health would turn out, or parenting. She's getting counselling and being proactive right now. We can all see the flaws here but while @ThankYouMama is looking for help, advice and support there's no need to be so scathing.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 03/05/2023 05:56

SpacePotato · 03/05/2023 01:16

So you at 20 picked a 17 year old boy with mental health issues to have a baby with because you for some reason desperately wanted to be a mum even though you don't want to or can't do any actual parenting?
Was your upbringing lacking in love op?
Where did your low self esteem come from?
How can you not see that clinging to this relationship is making you worse?

Where does his money come from if he's never had to work then? Mum and dad?
Such an odd situation.

You both sound incredibly immature.

I'm waiting for a call back in regards to my son going to therapy

the therapy won't help if you don't get your son out of the situation that is causing his mental distress ffs.

No, I've never lacked love from my parents.

My son is a happy child, he is not mentally distressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 03/05/2023 05:58

WouldYouLikeACrabPuff · 03/05/2023 02:18

@SpacePotato I don't think at 20 many of us could have predicted how our health would turn out, or parenting. She's getting counselling and being proactive right now. We can all see the flaws here but while @ThankYouMama is looking for help, advice and support there's no need to be so scathing.

Thank you 🤗 💐

I appreciate your comment, I don't regret getting involved with him. When I met him I was a few weeks out of my previous relationship, I just needed someone to get over the pain, I feel pregnant pretty quickly.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 03/05/2023 06:56

@ThankYouMama Well you won't be the first or the last very young person to have an accidental pregnancy in a rebound relationship. Did your ex that you got with him to get over, cheat on you? Could this be fuelling your anxiety that your current partner will cheat? If yes, are you able to discuss this with you therapist, parents, trusted friend?

piedbeauty · 03/05/2023 07:05

You're contradicting yourself, @ThankYouMama.

Earlier in the thread you said he 'ticked every box' to be a father. Now you say

When I met him I was a few weeks out of my previous relationship, I just needed someone to get over the pain, I fell pregnant pretty quickly.

So which is true?

I'm calling bullshit.