Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:30

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 11:53

@ThankYouMama By the way you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If someone really wants to be helped they will try whatever is suggested to them. Including medication. It does not make my partner slower. He just feels calmer.

Yes I know it would make him calmer, I also think it would lead to him wanting to spend more time out of the house, which would bring out my anxiety even more.

OP posts:
matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:38

You can't really help someone that resists help, OP.

What you can do is help yourself. Either learn to live with him how he is or get out. Work on yourself. Focus on the children.

I lived with a depressive alcoholic for over ten years and it wasn't until I was strong in myself that had the courage to speak to him about it. Even then I knew I couldn't do the work of getting better for him, he had to do it himself. I made sure that I was in the best shape I could be to get through that time.

I was lucky, my DH was willing to do the work. But if he hadn't been I would have also been ok, because I had worked very hard on my own mental health and strength.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 12:39

@ThankYouMama Spending more time out of the house would probably be good for your partner. It helps my partner get out of his head. Why would your partner being out of the house trigger your anxiety? If the thing that might help him feel better is something you do not want him to do... That's not good. Is it because you might be left to look after your children more ? If not coping with that is the case they need to spend more time staying with Grandparents so you aren't tempted to hold him back.

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2023 12:40

ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:30

Yes I know it would make him calmer, I also think it would lead to him wanting to spend more time out of the house, which would bring out my anxiety even more.

Show quote history

So you won’t seek help for his MH issues in case him improving impacts yours?
All a bit of a shit show really isn’t it?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:41

@Hoppinggreen

Have you not been reading anything I've been saying?

I am in the process of getting him help, I've made a few phone calls today. I'm waiting for a call back.

If you are going to continue to disregard everything I've said, I'm going to have to disregard you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:44

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 12:39

@ThankYouMama Spending more time out of the house would probably be good for your partner. It helps my partner get out of his head. Why would your partner being out of the house trigger your anxiety? If the thing that might help him feel better is something you do not want him to do... That's not good. Is it because you might be left to look after your children more ? If not coping with that is the case they need to spend more time staying with Grandparents so you aren't tempted to hold him back.

Well,

Sometimes when he goes out, he doesn't answer the phone to me, then I automatically think he is up to no good, I don't bombard him with phone calls, but I expect him to answer the phone to me.

I am perfectly fine managing the baby at home/ in the house, but it does sometimes become a tad bit overwhelming for me, my main issue is mothering them both outside alone, it's just something I'm not able to do.

OP posts:
matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:44

ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:41

@Hoppinggreen

Have you not been reading anything I've been saying?

I am in the process of getting him help, I've made a few phone calls today. I'm waiting for a call back.

If you are going to continue to disregard everything I've said, I'm going to have to disregard you.

Phone calls aren't what's needed here, go get your baby, put them in a buggy and take them out for ten minutes.

Tomorrow do it for fifteen minutes. Keep increasing the time you go out.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:45

matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:38

You can't really help someone that resists help, OP.

What you can do is help yourself. Either learn to live with him how he is or get out. Work on yourself. Focus on the children.

I lived with a depressive alcoholic for over ten years and it wasn't until I was strong in myself that had the courage to speak to him about it. Even then I knew I couldn't do the work of getting better for him, he had to do it himself. I made sure that I was in the best shape I could be to get through that time.

I was lucky, my DH was willing to do the work. But if he hadn't been I would have also been ok, because I had worked very hard on my own mental health and strength.

An alcoholic and someone with OCD is two different things, my partner doesn't drink or smoke, he is not dependant on alcohol.

OP posts:
matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:46

Your being deliberately obtuse OP.

You work on you.

He works on him.

You can't fix him. He can't fix you.

matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:47

Also what kind of 'no good' would a person with very severe OCD be up to?

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2023 12:49

ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:41

@Hoppinggreen

Have you not been reading anything I've been saying?

I am in the process of getting him help, I've made a few phone calls today. I'm waiting for a call back.

If you are going to continue to disregard everything I've said, I'm going to have to disregard you.

Disregard away, it won’t stop me commenting.
You said if he takes medication he will be able to go out more which will impact your anxiety- presumably because you will have to do more parenting?
Have I misread that?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:49

matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:47

Also what kind of 'no good' would a person with very severe OCD be up to?

I can't trust him when it comes to being faithful, even though he has OCD he has been unfaithful in the past.

OP posts:
matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 12:51

Jesus Christ OP. Leave this man.

HairyKitty · 02/05/2023 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Botw1 · 02/05/2023 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

He is not house bound, he goes out but he doesn't spend a long time outside.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 12:56

@ThankYouMama I think your partner's tendency to cheat on you is really really bad for your anxiety. If he has cheated before and has lots of free time on his hands then I can see why you would be concerned. I would also be concerned about the fact he says he doesn't trust you to look after your own children. You might struggle but was not a kind thing to say. Why does he not trust you ? What does he think would happen if he was not around? Does he think you would neglect them ?

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2023 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HairyKitty · 02/05/2023 13:00

@ThankYouMama can you really not see what’s wrong with wanting to discourage a partner from taking mental health medication because then they will be out of the house a bit more than they presently they are?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 13:04

@HopHoppinggreen It might be fake but I posted about my partner's family and got accused of being a novelist testing out a plot. So you never know. Anxiety disorders can create some extremely dysfunctional situations.

AuntieMarys · 02/05/2023 13:07

Spend your inheritance on therapy for you both. You will fuck up your children. Your life is not normal.
And I am the mother of someone with OCD.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 13:10

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 12:56

@ThankYouMama I think your partner's tendency to cheat on you is really really bad for your anxiety. If he has cheated before and has lots of free time on his hands then I can see why you would be concerned. I would also be concerned about the fact he says he doesn't trust you to look after your own children. You might struggle but was not a kind thing to say. Why does he not trust you ? What does he think would happen if he was not around? Does he think you would neglect them ?

Yes, it does cause me anxiety.

Sometimes I feel very insecure, almost as if I'm not good enough for him; I do get compliments from the opposite sex daily, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I am a very affectionate person, I always have been and I always will be, he doesn't really show me any affection, well not as much I want and desire.

The only time when he will be affectionate, is when he wants sex, I don't deny him it, because I enjoy intimacy with him and I know if I don't give it, he will go and get it elsewhere.

He trusts me with our 6 year old because he is able to talk, he says he doesn't trust me with the baby because there was one time I left him with one of my close friends, which I didn't see a problem with, do correct me if I'm wrong.

He immediately undressed the baby and said that he needs to check for marks and bruising, because he doesn't know my friend and her child could have been spiteful towards him.

OP posts:
Mossstitch · 02/05/2023 13:17

ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 12:45

An alcoholic and someone with OCD is two different things, my partner doesn't drink or smoke, he is not dependant on alcohol.

Show quote history

No....but he is as dependent on his rituals as much as an alcoholic is dependent on their alcohol!! And as such needs to do the legwork himself to change, not you making phonecalls/arrangements for therapy for him!

You don't seem to want to accept the advice of anybody who actually has experience. I noticed you totally ignored my previous posts (despite the fact that I had opened up about something I don't normally talk about in an effort to help you). I can only reinforce that they get worse as they get older and the paranoia is already evident in that he won't 'trust' a nursery to look after the baby (despite thousands of other children being safe in them) and that he doesn't even trust you, the baby's mother to care for the baby alone. I'm very concerned about these children and am hoping that @HairyKitty is correct and it is not real!!

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 02/05/2023 13:19

Thank you OP. You both need to speak to a professional about this situation. The side effects of any medication can be explained by an expert. You are both making assumptions that you aren’t qualified to make.
You’re chosing to remain in your current situation. Only you two can make changes. Otherwise nothing will change and your children will suffer. Put them first. Not him or you.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 13:20

@Mossstitch

I do apologise, sorry I'll go and read it now.

OP posts: