Partners OCD

[ThankYouMama]

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering. 

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

So you're putting your husband’s wants and your wants before the needs of 2 young children.
You seem to be wealthy, and be from a wealthy family. Money cant buy you happiness but it can buy you therapy, maybe a nanny, some parenting classes and a full time nursery place for your baby.
If a children’s therapist / social worker / health visitor were to read what you've written they would be ringing safeguarding alarm bells all day long. You and your husband are causing serious damage to your children. They deserve better.

So he's a cheat too.

Leave him and use your money to pay for a live in nanny if you can't cope.

Sometimes when he goes out, he doesn't answer the phone to me, then I automatically think he is up to no good, I don't bombard him with phone calls, but I expect him to answer the phone to me

This is insecurity on your behalf leading to anxious thoughts.
He is controlling you. Telling you you aren't good enough to parent.
Why put up with it.
His behaviour isn't love.

Out of curiosity op, how old is he?

Unfortunately it’s probably all true
Must be tough for the kids who have no agency but will be badly affected

@ThankYouMama Do you enjoy reading? I just finished reading The Tennant of Wildfell hall by Anne Brontë. An abusive relationship is central to the plot. Her husband does not hit her but he cheats on her, criticises her parenting ability and witholds affection. He is an alcoholic rather than OCD but both are additions, OCD is just from rituals. The main character tries and fails to save her husband from his addiction issues.

@ThankYouMama You, might many people may think that an abusive relationship must mean someone is getting physically abused. The book is a great way of educating yourself on how a relationship with no physical violence can look.

@ThankYouMama Do you think that your low self esteem might be allowing you to tolerate unkind behaviour such as withholding affection, cheating and criticising you ? How many times has he cheated? If he gets well enough to go out more do you think he could end up cheating and wanting to leave you for that person? My concern is if he is witholding affection apart from sex he may not be happy.

Jesus @ThankYouMama thats reply has so many red flags.

so he’s unfaithful to you and can’t be trusted.

he knows that withholding contact when he goes out triggers you anxiety and does it anyway. That’s cruel, purposeful and controlling.

he’s not emotionally open or romantic with you and only shows any affection to get what he wants.

he gaslights you about not being a good enough mother and adds it plays on your insecurities.

he’s happy to blame everyone else for his issues without taking meaningful steps to help or resolve them. Agreeing to therapy or further treatment only because you’ve done all the legwork and adulting and presented it to him is not a partner that’s invested in what’s best for his family.

It really is no wonder your Jo so codependent on each other and your anxiety is through the roof.

does your therapist know the full details of all this or do you cherry pick what to tell them as you don’t want someone else telling you something you aren’t ready to here.

id be giving this a time limit. He has to show serious improvements in his effort and behaviour within say 6 months or it’s a serious talk and possibly end of the road.

what are you going to do if he limps through more treatment. Won’t do medication. Won’t do inpatient. Doesn’t really change.

10/20/30 years down the road you’ll still be there defending him and your kids will be passing on their insecurities and OCD habits they’ve learnt from him onto their families and the cycle will repeat.

pick a line in the sand. Tell him what needs to change.

@ThankYouMama I hope you will consider reading the book I recommended as I think it will resonate. I think you should talk to your therapist about codependency and low self esteem. It is very worrying for a person to be terrified of their partner leaving due to thinking they can't cope. My fiancé's mother felt like this although she dressed it up as keeping the family together. Constantly used to go on about how " We stay together for you kids" and expected her children to be really grateful despite a hellish atmosphere. His Dad left when he was 11 and she had a nervous breakdown and moved in a strong of abusive men, one after the other. Anyone who was willing to live in the house would do. These men abused the children but she was happy because she was not alone. I'm not saying you would do this but please be wary of the situation being precarious. At least you only have two, my partner's parents wanted four despite the fact that all they could have comfortably managed was a goldfish.

Jesus. Toxic codependency. This just gets worse.

OP: I think you should self-refer to Social Services for support.

This just gets worse and worse. You don't trust him because he's been unfaithful.

He doesn't trust you to look after your own toddler.

You don't want him on meds in case that means he can leave the house more often (and be unfaithful to you?!)

Yet you say you love him and you're putting him above everything else, including your kids.

WTF???

You have the most unhealthy, co-dependent relationship I have ever read about on here. Insanity.

I really hope this is a load of made up tripe.

Otherwise, those poor, poor children. What hope have they got .

@ThankYouMama My fiancé ended his relationship with his mother in 2021 when she acquired, at the age of 78, yet another dubois boyfriend and wanted him to be good friends with his new stepdaddy despite also announcing that her new boyfriend's only child refused to speak to him. We are hoping to start a family soon and new very well she would insist on this or any other latest boyfriend being Grandad. Being codependent and feeling unable to function without a partner leaves people vulnerable to abusive relationships. She literally could not function without an abusive man. The one time she had a boyfriend who was actually nice to her and her kids she dumped him because she 'went off him'.

Hello

No, my therapist doesn't know the full extent of things, I haven't opened up to her about my partner.

He has decided that he wants to go and collect our son from school today, it's just so boring being in the house all day.

@ThankYouMama A big part of why my partner's childhood was so awful was because both parents had issues and they fed off each other. I speak as someone who knows what this creates an unbelievably toxic situation. If his parents had been with someone without anxiety and controlling behaviour I am sure they would have been hard to live with but the fact they both had problems made it ten times worse. His mum ended up having full on meltdowns where she would throw things around. It's really really important to analyse your relationship in therapy.

You have no idea how hard it is to live with him!

When he gets back from collect our son, he will go straight to shower, then look for something to clean.

I would like for him to take medication, but he is adamant not to.

I just received a call back, it's been suggested that family counselling would suit my needs best, I've booked the next available date.

I've also enquired about therapy for our 6 year old too, I'm waiting for a call back.

@ThankYouMama I really am sorry that things are so awful. His criticising your ability to parent helps you feel like you cannot cope with your children alone. This makes you less likely to leave. It suits him to criticise and do things that make you more anxious like witholding affection or cheating.

@ThankYouMama If you were happy and confident your anxiety might improve. You would then be less likely to tolerate poor behaviour. This disincentiveses him from doing things that might help you feel more confident like being really affectionate and telling you positive things about yourself.

@ThankYouMama

you have no idea how hard it 8s to live with him

Then don't

He is abusing you, your children and cheating on you whilst also refusing to get help for his severe mh issues

You claim to be independently wealth so have no justification in staying with him.

Leave

Put your kids first

You have no idea how hard it is to live with him!

You have a choice to get yourself and your children away from this situation and unlike most women in abusive situations, you have plenty of money to do it.

You child wouldn't need therapy if he wasn't having to live with his father's obsessive, destructive behaviours.

You have somehow convinced yourself that this man is more important than everything else including your children, and that you can't cope without him, which is nonsense.

What is the point of therapy if you are not honest about your situation? You can't heal with lies.
Are you worried the therapist will tell you the same as us on here and you don't want to deal with the actual problem?

You both need meds, and proper therapy.
PP was right. Toxic codependency.

You can change your 6yo's life right now by taking practical steps to enhance his life. Like leaving his cheating, coercively controlling father and living in a home free from his tyranny.

You aren't protecting your children from his neglect or abuse and therefore, in social services eyes, are not doing enough to raise your children in a stable loving home.

I hope his school report you, I really do.

Also your financial situation sounds nothing short of dodgy. You're set for life after an inheritance and he has 'his own' money. I'm sorry but I don't believe you've been honest about either of these things.

Those poor kids. What a bloody mess. Put on your big girl pants, OP, and get a grip of yourself. Your kids are being damaged. They will realise it when they're older and wonder why you did nothing to stop it.

I dont think therapy together would be wise. I think it will make you even more muddled cos I think he will gaslight the hell out of you because he doesn't want to face up to the damage he is doing, thats not me saying hes an evil so and so, i think it would be a lot for him to admit to. Anyone wod struggle with that. What is your dream outcome OP? What do you want for your family?

Would not wod

To be honest, I feel as a women I need to protect him, I have never bad mouthed him to anyone outside before.

I've previously suggested that we go to therapy together, I wanted to go along and support him but he wanted to go alone.