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Original poster

Partners OCD

341 replies

ThankYouMama · 30/04/2023 20:53

I was just wondering is anyone here in a long term relationship with someone who suffers with OCD?

If so, I just want to know how you cope.

My partner was apparently diagnosed with OCD when he was 8/9 years old he is soon to be 25. He has recently completed 10 sessions paid of therapy, he was given some coping mechanisms and they were working, but now he is back to square one.

I am finding him extremely difficult to live with, I love him dearly and I don’t want to end things with him.

I am going to list a few of his habits below

•	Constantly cleaning/looking for something to clean
•	Obsessive showering.

He will shower first thing in the morning.
If leaves the house, he’ll come back and have another shower (basically, if he goes out three times during the day, that’s three showers)
Another shower just before he gets into bed, if he wakes up in the middle of the night he will shower again, then he’ll shower again the in morning.
Every time he uses the toilet (even for number ones) he cleans the toilet and pours bleach down it.
Bedsheets have to be changed every single day.
Me and our two children can’t eat or drink anything, anywhere within the house except for the kitchen and it must be at the table.

Above is just a few things, I could literally go on all night. I have spoke to a few close friends about this; but none of them understand, I’m always met with “you’re lucky to have a man without any dirty habits”

His obsessive behaviour is really bringing me down, I don’t think he is ever going to understand that his behaviour is NOT normal.

Just to avoid conflict with him, I leave the house at 8am each morning to take my eldest son to school, and I don’t return until I’ve collected him in the evening. I don’t want to live like this anymore, and at times he can be very disrespectful towards me, and put me down.

I’m not expecting a lot of replies, but I feel a tad bit better speaking out about it.

OP posts:
matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 15:48

I wring my hands of this one. Zero maternal instinct. Zero sense.

Poor kids.

Botw1 · 02/05/2023 15:49

Do you not have any role models for what normality or a normal relationship is op?

It's not your job as a woman to protect your abusive oh.

It is however your job as a mum to protect your kids

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 02/05/2023 15:49

To be honest, I feel as a women I need to protect him

But who's protecting you and your children? Or don't you matter, as long as he's 'protected'?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 15:51

matchalattewithsoy · 02/05/2023 15:37

You can change your 6yo's life right now by taking practical steps to enhance his life. Like leaving his cheating, coercively controlling father and living in a home free from his tyranny.

You aren't protecting your children from his neglect or abuse and therefore, in social services eyes, are not doing enough to raise your children in a stable loving home.

I hope his school report you, I really do.

Also your financial situation sounds nothing short of dodgy. You're set for life after an inheritance and he has 'his own' money. I'm sorry but I don't believe you've been honest about either of these things.

I'm waiting for a call back in regards to my son going to therapy.

I don't care if you find the money situation dodgy or not, furthermore it has nothing to do with you.

I know it's the truth, and a weight has been lifted of my shoulders being able to openly speak about things.

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/05/2023 15:55

I think inpatient treatment is def the best idea for him if he's adamant he won't touch meds. He may change his mind on that once he's there. I would be encouraging that and if he agrees, when he's away concentrate on you. You matter. Just as much as he does. I want to tell you to leave him but I know that feels impossible for you. Build up your strength, get help yourself and see where that takes you. Get your 6 year old the help he needs as soon as possible. Oh and admitting how much you are struggling is not bad mouthing him. He needs help and he can't get that while everythings shrouded in secrecy.

HairyKitty · 02/05/2023 16:00

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Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 16:02

It normally flares up if they r stressed, has something changed?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 16:09

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/05/2023 15:55

I think inpatient treatment is def the best idea for him if he's adamant he won't touch meds. He may change his mind on that once he's there. I would be encouraging that and if he agrees, when he's away concentrate on you. You matter. Just as much as he does. I want to tell you to leave him but I know that feels impossible for you. Build up your strength, get help yourself and see where that takes you. Get your 6 year old the help he needs as soon as possible. Oh and admitting how much you are struggling is not bad mouthing him. He needs help and he can't get that while everythings shrouded in secrecy.

I just had a call back from the Priory, my partner was not in to speak to them, I asked what the process is, they said he would need to be assessed before they can make a decision of whether he needs to be admitted or not.

They are going to call back in an hour, I'll be so proud of him if he takes the treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 16:10

This reply has been deleted

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It seems like you don't have anything better to do than report posts. MNHQ specifically moved this thread to the mental health section, what would you like them to do next?

OP posts:
petuniasandpetals · 02/05/2023 16:20

I've been following along and my first thought was 'this can't be real' but we have to take it at face value.
Fact is often stranger than fiction.
OP you are very fortunate to have so much financial security: many of my problems stemmed from lack of funds and the impact that had on my health, marriage and children.
I'm thankfully more financially comfortable. I do think your luxurious lifestyle is giving you both too much opportunity to indulge yourselves. Other people in your place may choose differently: drugs, shopping etc.
You need to get out of your heads and into the real world. You will have the comfort blanket of money but I think you are seeing the world from a bubble.
Good luck and please don't pass your problems onto the children.

FictionalCharacter · 02/05/2023 16:23

Whatever he says about why he doesn't trust you to look after your baby, the most likely reason is that if he does the childcare he can go full OCD on them, doing all the excessive washing and disinfecting that he wants to. And influencing them to be just like him, because his OCD tells him that his ways are right. Which is already happening to your older child.
If you're looking after the baby in a normal sensible way, you're not doing it the "correct" way in his eyes.
I do wonder whether your belief that you can't look after both your children stems entirely from your partner. Not only does he make your anxiety worse but he undermines and controls you. I don't believe for a second that you and the kids would be worse off without him. You would be better able to work on your anxiety without him going on at you and making home life so abnormal. The kids could be in professional childcare some of the time, like thousands of other children who do very well growing up in a mix of home / relatives / nursery / childminder / school environments.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/05/2023 16:23

ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 16:09

I just had a call back from the Priory, my partner was not in to speak to them, I asked what the process is, they said he would need to be assessed before they can make a decision of whether he needs to be admitted or not.

They are going to call back in an hour, I'll be so proud of him if he takes the treatment.

Show quote history

But if he doesn't? When is enough going to be enough? He is causing damage to all of you, it cant carry on like this. Can you see a point of you saying 'no more'?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 16:28

@ThankYouMama Please can you explain to us why you say ' As a woman' you need to pretend to the outside world that your partner's behaviour is fine, and protect him from other people's bad opinions even when he deserves them ? Do you see it as a woman's job to keep a family together even when the man is displaying controlling and difficult behaviour and making her miserable? I think we really need to talk through your ideas on a woman's role in a relationship as this might be causing you to put up with things you should not put up with.

Dortmunder · 02/05/2023 16:49

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Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 17:03

@ThankYouMama Do you feel able to discuss your partner's behaviour regarding being controlling and cheating with any friends in real life or would you feel that that would not be protecting him as ' a woman should ' protect a cheating controlling partner from negative opinions.

footpedal · 02/05/2023 17:44

I will say it again. It's abuse.

You are this anxious because of his ways. He's using it to control everything.

You say you wouldn't cope alone but you would - once he's not impacting your every move you will likely recover.

You owe it to your children to leave and let him take responsibility for his own issues.

Your 6 yo might be tricky now. Wait until he's a burley teenager with attitude - then it's really hard. Help him to help yourself.

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 18:40

Just a quick update, the priory called back. He agreed to put the phone on loud speaker.

The next step is for him to go in for an assessment to see which is the best treatment for him.

He has said that he wants to go alone ☹️ first question he asked when we ended the call was "Do you think it's clean in there, I'm going to have to bring cleaning stuff and my own bedding if I have to stay in there"

He has made it clear he will not be taking medication and the baby has to stay with his mum.

I just hope all goes to plan, next step is to get our 6 year old therapy.

Soon as he come through the door he requested a bath and a shower.

At dinner time, he asked for his knife and fork to be put in a cup of hot water, this is after using 5 squirts of hand wash to wash his hands.

Complained that potato's and veg were touching one another.

I am keeping a diary of this behaviour.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 02/05/2023 18:43

He trusts his mum who he blames for his ocd to look after your toddler? But not you?

Why are you agreeing to this controlling behaviour?

Does his mum know that he cheats on you and the extent of the abuse?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 18:57

@ThankYouMama Could you go with your baby to his mother's? Or could she stay with you?

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 19:03

Does anyone apart from Mumsnet know he has cheated on you and will do again given the chance?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 20:05

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 19:03

Does anyone apart from Mumsnet know he has cheated on you and will do again given the chance?

No.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 20:07

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 18:57

@ThankYouMama Could you go with your baby to his mother's? Or could she stay with you?

I will give him his own, if it means that he is going to get the treatment. I will visit our son at his mothers house daily.

I'm willing to do whatever he asks, now I'm feeling anxious incase he doesn't meet the criteria to be an inpatient.

Does anyone here know the the average stay is? The longer the better, whilst he is there I can get our son and I the help we need.

OP posts:
Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 20:51

@ThankYouMama Having the father of your children cheat on you is traumatic. I imagine you were either pregnant or had a baby or toddler. Sometimes bottling up bad things can be bad for anxiety. Do you feel able to admit to any person in real life that your partner cheats on you and that you think he is likely to do it again unless you monitor where he goes? You mentioned you have a trusted friend? Could you tell him or your parents? I think trying to pretend everything is fine for them is worsening your mental health.

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 20:54

@ThankYouMama what do you think your family and friends would say if you told them that your boyfriend is not able to be monogamous? If he gets better he will go out more and may be determined to cheat? If you insist on staying with him, one idea could be an open relationship? Could you suggest that to him ?

Original poster
ThankYouMama · 02/05/2023 20:59

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/05/2023 20:54

@ThankYouMama what do you think your family and friends would say if you told them that your boyfriend is not able to be monogamous? If he gets better he will go out more and may be determined to cheat? If you insist on staying with him, one idea could be an open relationship? Could you suggest that to him ?

They'd tell me to leave him and that I deserve better.

I tell him regularly that I don't trust him, he says that it's not his problem, and if I feel that way then I should go and find someone who is going to make me happy.

He usually then goes on to say, "I'm not cheating, I haven't... when do I not come home to you at night? do I have children with another woman? am I in a relationship with another woman" then it ends with "I'm going to bed, this is too much for my head/I can't be dealing with this, I love you the same way that my dad loves my mum" blah blah blah

OP posts: