Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast - The OP isn’t “ a man who smashed up a car” so it isn’t relevant

❤❤❤

Genitals don't matter but behaviour does, and this man deserves to know after 3 months, so he can have a frank conversation and decide what to do from there.

To be honest, I’d want to know about someone who has been arrested four times irrespective of the cause.

This is ridiculous whataboutism to the extreme. Men are dangerous, she is not.

How do you know the OP isn't dangerous?

Genuine question?

Anyone out of control enough to smash up windows is dangerous, surely?

Autism and BPD are different yes, but they're still going to 'present' through your behaviour and interactions. I know it's possible to be around both and it not be immediately apparent, but sooner or later the 'oddity' will arise so there are similarities. It's also hard to pinpoint exactly how it will present so difficult to explain to someone.

I think the time to tell is if you get to a place in the relationship where he starts talking about 'our future' or says 'I love you'. Right now he doesn't know 'all of you', he knows the you that you are presenting. That's perfectly normal at this point. Most of us hide something about ourselves in those early days.

But when someone starts talking about or planning a future with someone, that's when they deserve to be told about anything that may affect the future they're planning 'in their mind'. Honesty is the very bedrock in any successful relationship and if it's not there then you've 'built your house on shifting sands'.

Do you think it would be a good idea to speak to someone from your treatment team? Maybe they could give you ideas as to how to tell him and what information would be valuable to him as far as living with a person with bpd. I'm not super familiar with all the 'components', but if there is any kind of genetic link that's something that is extremely important he know.

Are you a man?

I ask because that is the only explanation I can think of as to why someone wouldn’t understand the difference between men and women and, as a consequence, their propensity for danger between one another.

Not necessarily - I have family members with BPD and they are very well managed, you wouldn’t “know” they had anything “wrong” with them. Obviously that hasn’t always been the case for them, but they have been doing well for decades now.

YABU. If you don’t tell him he’s more likely to leave because you’ve been hiding stuff and keeping secrets from him, so who knows what else you’ll hide?

He’ll know he won’t be able to trust you.

@DuplicateUserName - Actually, gender does matter here.

Borderline personality disorder is very much a “female” diagnosis. Have a look at statistics on male to female statistics if you are interested.

The majority of women with this diagnosis have survived childhood abuse, often sexual abuse.

It could be argued that a man presenting with the same behaviours is more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD/C-PTSD, whereas a woman is likely to be further abused by the mental health system by being given a diagnosis of a personality disorder which has a huge stigma attached to it and is associated with manipulation and dishonesty. It some cases, the very diagnosis amounts to a death warrant, or a licence for the woman to be further abused (as who is going to believe a BPD woman in court, after all?)

I think we will look back, in the not too distant future, and be appalled that women were treated in this way.

So, if the OP had experienced abuse and been diagnosed with PTSD, would you be insisting that she tell a new partner all about the abuse and the effects it’s had on her development and behaviours, as he has a “right” to know? I hope not.

👏👏👏👏 nailed it 👌

Difficult. Women with MH/ND issues are far more likely to be abused and that type would target you.

www.victimfocus.org.uk/psychiatry

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/27/are-sexual-abuse-victims-being-diagnosed-with-a-mental-disorder-they-dont-have

Both interesting articles for anyone interested. I came to these conclusions myself after working with several young women with this diagnosis but was heartened to see, when exploring this, that is it is being publicly questioned by some professional.

On the flip side, I appreciate honesty above all things and I’d prefer to just know things like this because I have PTSD/ADHD and a lone parent to 3, 1 has ASD and I’m already at my limit of what I can cope with.

Dr Jess Taylor is a fraud, a liar and a bully so GTFO with her.

Yes I would. Not in the early stages of dating but absolutely if you are entering a serious relationship. And I say that as someone with direct personal experience - if I wasn't willing to disclose something that had a fundamental impact on my mental health and intimate relationships then I could never expect a partner to support and love me in the way I need.

some of what you just said about her might well be true. However, she does write eloquently on this particular topic and I think she makes some very valid points.

Dr Van der Kolk however, does not fall into the bully or fraud category, and his research speaks for itself.

@SandraCumin she's smashed her ex's car up, wandered along a train track and walked into traffic.

On what planet is that not dangerous?

I have known a number of people with BPD. My best friend in the world has BPD and we have ups and downs sure, but it is an important part of who she is. When she is ill, she is ill.

The thing is, it is an illness and it can profoundly affect the people who are close by. It is unfair to have a relationship with someone and not be open about something which can be so destructive. I get after 3 months it's very early, but certainly in the next couple of months it makes sense. To protect you as much as him - before you get to emotionally caught up.

so, if the OP had experienced abuse and been diagnosed with PTSD, would you be insisting that she tell a new partner all about the abuse and the effects it’s had on her development and behaviours, as he has a “right” to know? I hope not.

No, but she should tell them about her diagnosis.

If I found out someone was hiding such a major diagnosis from me, the relationship would be over.

People have the right to decide who they want to date, marry and have children with and that shouldn't be based on a lie.

I get you but you also don’t want the first time he finds is when you have an episode and as you said maybe get arrested or end up in hospital.

As someone suggested maybe ease him by telling him some of your symptoms and the things you’re doing to work on it eg your go counselor etc.

while I get you don’t want to lose him, it will also be more painful to lose him later when you have fallen more in love with him.

Well if you don't tell him, he'll work it out soon enough....