Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

[Bpdqueen]

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

It probably comes down to the nature of your relationship. Are you just seeing each other casually? If so, take your time. But if you're BF/GF, then you should probably tell him sooner rather than later. Always best to start relationships on a foundation of honesty.

Once I was arrested for refusing to leave the hospital when I was suicidal and they wasn't helping me another time was when I was on a train track another time was for walking into traffic and another time was for smashing the windows of my exs car.

Ive lost so many people due to this stupid condition I can't deal with losing anyone else

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're strugglng OP, but if - as you expect - he leaves when he finds out, isn't it going to be even more painful if you're further down the line with him by then?

Are you able to work? I can keep my bipolar diagnosis quiet because I have a full time 'professional' job.

If you don't work, he's going to know there's a reason - probably illness related.

You NEED to tell him you have BPD.

I work part time. I am very good at hiding it there are a few people in my life who would be genuinely shocked if they knew.

I don’t think someone is a ‘bad’ or horrible person because they don’t want (or feel equipped) to deal with someone’s not inconsiderable MH issues. I know I wouldn’t especially having had to deal with my ex’s alcoholism. I would have nothing in my emotional tank to give.

Once I was arrested for refusing to leave the hospital when I was suicidal and they wasn't helping me another time was when I was on a train track another time was for walking into traffic and another time was for smashing the windows of my exs car.

You either need to be honest with him
or end the relationship.

Doing anything else is hugely unfair and as much as I hate to say it, if a woman posted on here that her new partner had done all that and kept it from her, everyone would be telling her to run for the hills.

Medical condition or not, that's behaviour a partner deserves to know about so they can make an informed decision about their future.

I kind of agree with @007DoubleOSeven that you shouldn’t rush with this and you need to tell him when you feel ready, not waiting for years and years of course but when you are into more serious relationship and talk about more personal issues rather then just weekend hobbies and favourite holiday places. It also depends how bad your symptoms are and what kind of support you expect from him.

Once I was arrested for refusing to leave the hospital when I was suicidal and they wasn't helping me another time was when I was on a train track another time was for walking into traffic and another time was for smashing the windows of my exs car

Woah. You can't not tell a potential long term partner that. He might want children in the future and I'm pretty sure most of us wouldn't purposely do so with someone that smashes windows and has been arrested multiple times.

The latest research is suggesting bpd should be renamed Complex PTSD. It’s less stigmatising and more accurate description. Theres a huge debate within scientific community about it.

You keep your own private medical business to yourself until you feel the relationship is serious enough to warrant sharing it.

You are in control of your own information and your boundaries. If you don’t feel ready yet then there is a reason. This is a new relationship and if it doesn’t work out then you will have shared really personal information that could leave you feeling vulnerable.

You are much more than a diagnosis, crack on with letting him get to know you and you him, and don’t feel pressured by any “you need to TELL him”. No you bloody don’t. You don’t have an STD that he might catch, he doesn’t ‘need’ to know at this stage at all.

He’s going to find out when you do something so batshit that you can’t hide it any more. It’s only a matter of time.

Having read the updates I would say it depends what you are both looking for. If it's a casual fwb type future then it's less important to tell him than if you are wanting to build a life together and move in etc. It's clear that you have some challenges and he should be aware of this if he is going to be your life partner so that he can at least give you the right support. I am someone who values honesty and truth and would feel horribly deceived if a partner had not told me this. Also, I would expect them to be actively seeking support/treatment and working to limit the impact upon their life before evaluating whether I wanted to continue a relationship.

Assuming you mean borderline pd and not bipolar depression the main issue is it a diagnosis that describes behaviour not a condition that causes behaviour. As such there are no real treatments other than you attempting to change your personality and behaviour. Therefore he needs to know.

As others have said I think with this kind of thing - or any major life affecting diagnosis like HIV or Herpes or sterilisation - you need to get it out early so the other person can make an informed decision over whether to invest time and emotional energy into a relationship that may not be what they want.

It's shit for you but always be open and transparent about any kind of life changing condition that could impact a partner

So what do they relabel those of us with actual c-PTSD then? Because we don't have BPD! (Not that there's anything wrong with either diagnosis but they are not the same!)

I’ve just seen your update, I don’t know how you are now but in your case I would aim sooner then later. You could start with mentioning mental health issues and see how it would go from there.
However I sympathise and understand your problem my Dd has additional needs and every time my DH and I have met someone new with children of the same age after mentioning her disability people are disappearing straight away.

Would you say the same thing OP was a man who had smashed up a car?

I would tell him sooner rather than later. Before your symptoms will do it for you. Or do you think you'll be able to hide it forever?

I can understand your concern, but if he is the right person for you then he will accept you as you are.

I think it's unfair to hide something like this. Especially if you are hoping to get serious.

That’s kind of the point, they are the same. They are both rooted in trauma.

My ex is able to work full time and mostly disguise it at work. I met him when we worked in the same department.

The first 6 months he had minor to moderate splitting that resolved quickly. The problem is when I changed jobs, he worried I'd meet someone else and that set him off. He split black for long periods after that.

I'm not sure what your triggers are, but I wasn't prepared for the Jekyll and Hyde strength of full splitting. He was like a completely different person suddenly. He could change moods and personality like the flick of a light switch.

If you're going to therapy etc, maybe you can manage it better.

As someone who is in a relationship with a BPD sufferer I do think you need to mention it at this point.
It's very hard to manage a relationship when someone can change so abruptly and if you don't know why it happens it's far more likely he'll be off the first time your symptoms are obvious.
Unfortunately as a boyfriend or partner he is likely to see the worst of it, so the kind thing to do is allow him to be as prepared as possible.

Oh mate you sound exactly like me. I'm completely fine... until I'm not. I've been sectioned a couple of times and arrested for suicide attempts. I really think you should tell your partner. My husband is the loveliest person in the world and truly looks after me (even when I feel I don't deserve it). I hope for you that your partner is the same x