Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

534 replies

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 11:52

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

OP posts:
Teaandtoast3 · 30/01/2023 14:47

90% who have voted think YABU OP and I concur. I think you should ease him gently into it in the next week or so talking about MH and then tell him. Give him the information he needs to make an informed decision so he doesn’t have to Google.

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 30/01/2023 14:51

I’d want to know about any mental health issues before getting serious with someone, I haven’t got the capacity to cope with anyone else’s issues. (I’ve done enough of that in my life).

JudgeRudy · 30/01/2023 14:53

Oh gosh, what a dilemma. For everyone saying you should have told him earlier that's useless advice now. I would guess that at 3 months you're feeling pretty loved up and feel this is something special. I would also guess that you've felt this way before. Extreme emotions are one of the signs of BPD. What makes this diffferent. How you unwittingly been lovebombing each other?
Has he said he loves you? If so you really need to tell him. Start by saying you feel like a teenager, then go from there, talking about the benefits and the challenges. BPD can present like extreme teenage angst with all the drama and passion. I feel you need to explain you've been an in patient too and if youve had SW for any children. Discuss how you got there and what steps you've taken to reduce risk of it happening again. If he stills wants in, maybe discuss your care plan particularly what should he done if he notices signs you're becoming unwell. Maybe send him a few wedblinks too so he can find out more.So yes, you need to tell him, but in a controlled and confident manner.

Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 15:02

JudgeRudy · 30/01/2023 14:53

Oh gosh, what a dilemma. For everyone saying you should have told him earlier that's useless advice now. I would guess that at 3 months you're feeling pretty loved up and feel this is something special. I would also guess that you've felt this way before. Extreme emotions are one of the signs of BPD. What makes this diffferent. How you unwittingly been lovebombing each other?
Has he said he loves you? If so you really need to tell him. Start by saying you feel like a teenager, then go from there, talking about the benefits and the challenges. BPD can present like extreme teenage angst with all the drama and passion. I feel you need to explain you've been an in patient too and if youve had SW for any children. Discuss how you got there and what steps you've taken to reduce risk of it happening again. If he stills wants in, maybe discuss your care plan particularly what should he done if he notices signs you're becoming unwell. Maybe send him a few wedblinks too so he can find out more.So yes, you need to tell him, but in a controlled and confident manner.

I do love him and iv never met anyone like him before which is why I don't want it to end. If I tell him everything about my bpd like your suggesting it just opens up even more cans of worms.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 30/01/2023 15:03

Workbaseddrama · 30/01/2023 13:51

So what do they relabel those of us with actual c-PTSD then? Because we don't have BPD! (Not that there's anything wrong with either diagnosis but they are not the same!)

Show quote history

I think they're recognising that trauma is subjective. We can all relate to how c-PTSD might arise from a lifetime of SA or neglect however for some people multiple 'micro traumas'can have similar results. So wetting yourself at school, dad leaving, rabbit dieing, having acne etc, this cumulative trauma can impact badly on those with poor resilience.
Both conditions are very much about emotions and behaviors with the behaviours being maladaptive. So much overlap.

Workbaseddrama · 30/01/2023 15:04

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 15:02

I do love him and iv never met anyone like him before which is why I don't want it to end. If I tell him everything about my bpd like your suggesting it just opens up even more cans of worms.

Show quote history

How can you allow someone to love you when they don't know a fundamental core element of your personality? To me that's cruel.

Are you sure you love him and aren't just overly attached to him?

Workbaseddrama · 30/01/2023 15:04

JudgeRudy · 30/01/2023 15:03

I think they're recognising that trauma is subjective. We can all relate to how c-PTSD might arise from a lifetime of SA or neglect however for some people multiple 'micro traumas'can have similar results. So wetting yourself at school, dad leaving, rabbit dieing, having acne etc, this cumulative trauma can impact badly on those with poor resilience.
Both conditions are very much about emotions and behaviors with the behaviours being maladaptive. So much overlap.

Show quote history

But one can be better managed than the other.

DottieUncBab · 30/01/2023 15:12

I have BPD and I think it’s fine not to tell him yet. At some point yes but not yet.

MarchingGiraffes · 30/01/2023 15:12

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 15:02

I do love him and iv never met anyone like him before which is why I don't want it to end. If I tell him everything about my bpd like your suggesting it just opens up even more cans of worms.

Show quote history

A relationship cannot be built on secrets and lies.

There cannot truly be love when things are hidden.

He will run a mile once he knows he cannot trust you.

gold22 · 30/01/2023 15:14

You both deserve to be in a relationship that is right, it's not fair to omit such an important part of who you are, especially when at some point down the line it's likely to impact him too.

If you tell him and he walks away, well he was never the right person for you- no matter how unfair that may feel! It will be harder if you don't tell him and suddenly you're in an episode and that's how he finds out, how is going to react then along with the feelings that you've hidden it from him.

Relationships are built on trust and communication in my opinion so if you don't have them, it's always going to come unstuck at some point.

If you tell him and he doesn't care, then that's a weight off your shoulders too!

BellePeppa · 30/01/2023 15:15

Workbaseddrama · 30/01/2023 15:04

How can you allow someone to love you when they don't know a fundamental core element of your personality? To me that's cruel.

Are you sure you love him and aren't just overly attached to him?

Show quote history

I agree. My ex didn’t tell me about his alcohol issues and as he wasn’t drinking when we got together I had zero idea that it was even a thing between us. When he fell off the wagon I was already in too deep (a child) and I was so angry that he kept this from me so I could have made the decision for myself as to whether to stay or be a support before getting trapped, because that’s what it is, a bloody trap.

Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 15:19

DottieUncBab · 30/01/2023 15:12

I have BPD and I think it’s fine not to tell him yet. At some point yes but not yet.

Thankyou

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 30/01/2023 15:20

DottieUncBab · 30/01/2023 15:12

I have BPD and I think it’s fine not to tell him yet. At some point yes but not yet.

When is the right time?

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 30/01/2023 15:28

OP, how would you feel if further down the track you find out he has a diagnosis of PD and he hadn't told you? Or that he had a family previously that he hasn't told you about? Etc etc.

SchoolTripDrama · 30/01/2023 15:30

In his shoes, if I found out my partner (new or not) was diagnosed with anything and didn't feel comfortable telling me within say, a few days/a week, then I'd be questioning the relationship. In my personal opinion, not telling him is not a mature approach.

Treeeeeeee · 30/01/2023 15:35

You need to tell him. You and him are basically living a lie. He should be told, and yes he may leave, but him staying without knowing is just prolonging the lie - and it's a big lie with a massive effect on his life if you became more serious.
As pp has said, the longer this goes on the worse it will also be for you.
You may not like this being a major 'part of you' but that's exactly what it is

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 15:35

Very very unreasonable not to tell him at this point. He needs to make an informed choice.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/01/2023 15:36

Do you think it would be a good idea to speak to someone from your treatment team? Maybe they could give you ideas as to how to tell him ...

I think this could be a very good idea, and the advice would be coming from people totally familiar with the condition as it affects you personally. They might also be able to support you in considering whether you're ready for this kind of relationship, or if it might be better left until your symptoms are more stable

I mean this kindly, OP, but it's very noticeable that you're jumping to applaud the very few posts which suggest not telling him anything, and as someone who's struggling that's very understandable. Whether it's fair to this guy is another thing though, and if he's like most of us in preferring honesty you could well lose him anyway - only further down the line when you've grown even more fond of him

steff13 · 30/01/2023 15:38

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 14:25

Are you a man?

I ask because that is the only explanation I can think of as to why someone wouldn’t understand the difference between men and women and, as a consequence, their propensity for danger between one another.

Show quote history

I am a woman, and I would be wary of anyone who smashed up a car, and I wouldn't want to date that person.

GasPanic · 30/01/2023 15:42

I am no expert in this.

But it seems to me like at some point in the future you are likely to have an episode of negative behaviour.

If you have told him in advance, there is some chance that he will be able to deal with that behaviour as something temporary, not permanent. Because you have told and discussed the possibility of that behaviour in advance, there is a better chance he will be able to understand your condition and deal with it for what it is.

If you haven't told him in advance, then he will get both the
revelation of the BPD and the negative behaviour simultaneously. He himself might not be in an entirely rational state after this and may deal with it negatively himself rather than calmly if he has time to understand the condition in advance and prepare for it in case it happens.

Yes, I think if you tell him there is a risk he will not want to continue the relationship. But there is also a chance he will want to work with you to try to understand and overcome these issues and that is better done when you are not experiencing negative behaviour.

Maybe you should talk to your GP/counsellors and ask them what they think about the situation.

BTW, I don't think there is any right or wrong answer to your question, simply different outcomes with different consequences.

January17 · 30/01/2023 15:50

PigleyWibbly · 30/01/2023 14:28

@DuplicateUserName - Actually, gender does matter here.

Borderline personality disorder is very much a “female” diagnosis. Have a look at statistics on male to female statistics if you are interested.

The majority of women with this diagnosis have survived childhood abuse, often sexual abuse.

It could be argued that a man presenting with the same behaviours is more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD/C-PTSD, whereas a woman is likely to be further abused by the mental health system by being given a diagnosis of a personality disorder which has a huge stigma attached to it and is associated with manipulation and dishonesty. It some cases, the very diagnosis amounts to a death warrant, or a licence for the woman to be further abused (as who is going to believe a BPD woman in court, after all?)

I think we will look back, in the not too distant future, and be appalled that women were treated in this way.

So, if the OP had experienced abuse and been diagnosed with PTSD, would you be insisting that she tell a new partner all about the abuse and the effects it’s had on her development and behaviours, as he has a “right” to know? I hope not.

That's unfortunately not accurate. Studies have shown that a large percentage of male prison populations have BPD, particularly linked to domestic violence:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4825675/

Later I discovered my ex had been arrested for domestic abuse towards a previous partner three times. He was emotionally abusive and very controlling of me as it progressed.

Nancydrawn · 30/01/2023 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is a ridiculous, and actually offensive, thing to say.

January17 · 30/01/2023 15:55

PigleyWibbly · 30/01/2023 14:28

@DuplicateUserName - Actually, gender does matter here.

Borderline personality disorder is very much a “female” diagnosis. Have a look at statistics on male to female statistics if you are interested.

The majority of women with this diagnosis have survived childhood abuse, often sexual abuse.

It could be argued that a man presenting with the same behaviours is more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD/C-PTSD, whereas a woman is likely to be further abused by the mental health system by being given a diagnosis of a personality disorder which has a huge stigma attached to it and is associated with manipulation and dishonesty. It some cases, the very diagnosis amounts to a death warrant, or a licence for the woman to be further abused (as who is going to believe a BPD woman in court, after all?)

I think we will look back, in the not too distant future, and be appalled that women were treated in this way.

So, if the OP had experienced abuse and been diagnosed with PTSD, would you be insisting that she tell a new partner all about the abuse and the effects it’s had on her development and behaviours, as he has a “right” to know? I hope not.

PTSD presents in a radically different way from BPD. You wouldn't know unless you experienced being the intimate partner.

January17 · 30/01/2023 16:01

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 15:02

I do love him and iv never met anyone like him before which is why I don't want it to end. If I tell him everything about my bpd like your suggesting it just opens up even more cans of worms.

Show quote history

I think you're in the idealisation stage now. At this point, the partner is the best person you've ever met who can do no wrong.

XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 16:11

TheBadLuckOfTeelaBrown · 30/01/2023 14:39

I have known a number of people with BPD. My best friend in the world has BPD and we have ups and downs sure, but it is an important part of who she is. When she is ill, she is ill.

The thing is, it is an illness and it can profoundly affect the people who are close by. It is unfair to have a relationship with someone and not be open about something which can be so destructive. I get after 3 months it's very early, but certainly in the next couple of months it makes sense. To protect you as much as him - before you get to emotionally caught up.

This.

It is best this guy knows about your BPD now, when you can sit down and have a frank and honest discussion about it, rather than he find out when you get arrested or sectioned.... or smashing up his car or any other posession.

He might have his own MH issues that simply would not be compatible with someone else with them. I know there is no way I could cope with a partner with MH issues.

For those saying that a woman smashing up a car is not dangerous..... some context is needed. No one would blame OP if say, she caught her ex cheating... but with BPD, the smallest thing could be a trigger. I stabbed a knife into a door frame inches from my DP's face... all because he was "abandoning" me by going to work.

The suggestions of speaking to your MH team about it a good idea.