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Original poster

Aibu not telling new partner about diagnosis

534 replies

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 11:52

Iv been seeing a new guy for about 3 months now and things have been going great and I'm worried that if I tell him I have bpd he will leave. Aibu to keep this secret from him.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:42

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:41

He doesn't know but he could wear a condom and chooses not to

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Because he trusts you and thinks he doesn't need one!!!

You say you love him, but you have no problem in lying to him about two huge things. Love is respect and honesty. You can't call this love. This is toxic.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:43

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:40

Which if you were taking the pill would be about 1%. Currently it’s an almost 100%, depending on your age and if he’s fertile or not.

It is not the same thing. It’s nothing short of sexual assault.

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Should be freaking illegal!

Anonymouseposter · 30/01/2023 22:45

Be careful, you’re rushing at things and you’re not making sensible choices. Did you come off your meds without consulting your GP or care team? Very bad idea. If he thinks you’re taking precautions against pregnancy and you aren’t that’s very dishonest and not a loving thing to do. You do need to tell him about your mental health and you need to be honest with him all round. The more you post the more concerning it sounds.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:45

Is that why you are reluctant to tell you about the diagnostic? You are waiting until after you fall pregnant, aren't you?

You've got it all neatly planned out...

I think I'll bow out before i say something that gets me banned :(

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:45

@Bpdqueen the fact you have secretly trying to get pregnant by him (a mere 3 months in) puts a whole different spin on your first question. I stand by my first response but only if you are going to be honest about other things. That you're lying about this, the pill, makes you waiting to tell him about your bpd part of the lie to trap him so he doesn't leave you.

At the very least, be open and honest with your clinical team!

Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:46

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:43

Should be freaking illegal!

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Sexual assault what are you talking about he's chose to be in my bed every night for 3 months.

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:47

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:45

Is that why you are reluctant to tell you about the diagnostic? You are waiting until after you fall pregnant, aren't you?

You've got it all neatly planned out...

I think I'll bow out before i say something that gets me banned :(

I agree, sounds exactly what she's intending.

Op - this turns you waiting to tell him about your diagnosis from what is genuinely the right time into a lie designed to trap him. And it's cruel.

XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 22:48

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:46

Sexual assault what are you talking about he's chose to be in my bed every night for 3 months.

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How would you feel if your boyfriend was poking holes in the condoms?
Does he want kids? Have you even spoken about it?

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:48

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:46

Sexual assault what are you talking about he's chose to be in my bed every night for 3 months.

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It isn't sexual assault, but the point is that if a man did this to you then it would be.

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:48

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:45

Is that why you are reluctant to tell you about the diagnostic? You are waiting until after you fall pregnant, aren't you?

You've got it all neatly planned out...

I think I'll bow out before i say something that gets me banned :(

Yep, bomb 1 - pregnant bomb 2 - I’m mentally unwell and bomb 3- if you tell me to have an abortion or leave me I will kill myself and the emotional abuse of the partner will really ramp up - bomb 4 - oh and SS will scrutinise you because I’ve had other children removed.

You are dropping several nukes into this mans life and frankly you have zero right to wang on about stereotypes when you are quite literally a walking one.

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:49

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:47

I agree, sounds exactly what she's intending.

Op - this turns you waiting to tell him about your diagnosis from what is genuinely the right time into a lie designed to trap him. And it's cruel.

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And she doesn't agree with people who call her manipulative

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:49

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:46

Sexual assault what are you talking about he's chose to be in my bed every night for 3 months.

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If you were relying on condoms and he was stealthing them off during sex, he would be arrested. You are doing the equivalent.

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:51

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:49

If you were relying on condoms and he was stealthing them off during sex, he would be arrested. You are doing the equivalent.

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It isn't quite the same because it's the woman's body that is impregnated. But you are right about the level of deception

Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:53

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:49

And she doesn't agree with people who call her manipulative

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How am I manipulative I haven't done anything wrong. He can wear a condom if he wants, he can stop having sex with me if he wants, these are his choices. Just like its my choice when I tell him I have bpd.

OP posts:
Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:53

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:51

It isn't quite the same because it's the woman's body that is impregnated. But you are right about the level of deception

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Agreed, but this woman is severely mentally unstable, has had other children removed, has committed domestic violence against past partners and is now starting the cycle again. Where is the accountability?!

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:53

007DoubleOSeven · 30/01/2023 22:51

It isn't quite the same because it's the woman's body that is impregnated. But you are right about the level of deception

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yeah, but the woman in that scenario has the option of abortion to get out of th situation she didn't consent to. the man who is tricked into pregnancy has no such option, which almost makes it more despicable

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:54

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:53

How am I manipulative I haven't done anything wrong. He can wear a condom if he wants, he can stop having sex with me if he wants, these are his choices. Just like its my choice when I tell him I have bpd.

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Remember that when he leaves your lying pregnant ass

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:54

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:53

Agreed, but this woman is severely mentally unstable, has had other children removed, has committed domestic violence against past partners and is now starting the cycle again. Where is the accountability?!

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There isn't any and there might never be. Poor poor children who will suffer lifelong consequences...

Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:55

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:54

Remember that when he leaves your lying pregnant ass

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He's not gonna leave when I'm having his baby

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 22:55

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:53

How am I manipulative I haven't done anything wrong. He can wear a condom if he wants, he can stop having sex with me if he wants, these are his choices. Just like its my choice when I tell him I have bpd.

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Again, does he know you want a baby with him right now? If not, why have you not talked about it?

LaLuz7 · 30/01/2023 22:55

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:53

How am I manipulative I haven't done anything wrong. He can wear a condom if he wants, he can stop having sex with me if he wants, these are his choices. Just like its my choice when I tell him I have bpd.

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You are deeply deeply toxic. And BPD is no excuse for that. I'm out.

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:58

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:55

He's not gonna leave when I'm having his baby

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You don’t know that. If he has any sense he will run for the hills. Preferably with the baby under his closed residency where you’d be unable to do it any further harm, but the reality is he will probably leave without the baby, the state will pick up the bill for your mistakes, your child will pay for the rest of its life too, whilst you merrily crack on repeating the cycle. Unless you get criminal charges against you this time for neglect or abuse of a newborn. But even then, it still wouldn’t stop your delusions that a fourth baby with a fourth man would be different.

Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:58

XenoBitch · 30/01/2023 22:55

Again, does he know you want a baby with him right now? If not, why have you not talked about it?

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He doesn't know and I don't know if he wants a baby but I'm sure when I'm actually pregnant he will want to be there for us both. He's a really decent bloke with good morals

OP posts:
Original poster
Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:59

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 22:58

You don’t know that. If he has any sense he will run for the hills. Preferably with the baby under his closed residency where you’d be unable to do it any further harm, but the reality is he will probably leave without the baby, the state will pick up the bill for your mistakes, your child will pay for the rest of its life too, whilst you merrily crack on repeating the cycle. Unless you get criminal charges against you this time for neglect or abuse of a newborn. But even then, it still wouldn’t stop your delusions that a fourth baby with a fourth man would be different.

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I would never abuse or neglect a baby

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 30/01/2023 23:00

Bpdqueen · 30/01/2023 22:55

He's not gonna leave when I'm having his baby

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Love, you know that's not necessarily true. Men leave pregnant women every day. If this is the right guy for you then be open and honest with him and give the relationship time and space to develop.