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Is this emotional abuse?

109 replies

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:54

My parents have got involved with an arguement between my husband and I - a silly arguement where I snapped at him and he snapped at me back (for context it was because I couldnt hear him in a loud environment and he just kept shouting and getting cross that I couldnt hear). For some reason my dad felt the need to get involved and laid into me for snapping to the point where I walked away to get a breather and calm down.

Both of my parents didnt speak to me for 5 days - telling my husband that they were going to ignore me and hope that I could see how much upset I have caused. I found messages on the joint ipad which my dh is logged into from my parents to my dh slagging me off. They have told him not forgive me until I apologise. My dh is therefore not speaking to me either. Subsequently my other siblings are now ignoring me too, presumably because they have been told to by my parents.

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality. They have demanded that I apologise - firstly for snapping at my dh and secondly for walking off when my dad was speaking to me. Until I do this they wont speak to me again.

I literally now have no one apart from 2 friends who cant understand what I have done to warrant this behaviour. They have told me its emotional abuse and to cut my family off.

I do need to apologise to my dh for snapping - if he ever speaks or looks at me again!!! but this would have been over with by now if my parents hadnt got invovled. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I feel isolated and am torn between feeling like I am overreacting and feeling really bloody hurt

OP posts:
Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:21

I'm having some really horrible thoughts tonight.

OP posts:
Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:24

There are kids involved and in all honesty they are the only things keeping me here at the moment

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:30

What kind of horrible thoughts?

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:32

I just don't see how this is ever going to resolve itself. Im still not being spoken to. Its hurting my kids.

OP posts:
Raindropsandslatetiles · 15/10/2022 20:33

Have you tried talking to him? What happens?

lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:33

What do you think will happen if you held out? I.e. didn't apologise?

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:34

It's one word answers. He doesn't even look at me

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Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:35

At the moment I think it will go on like this. I can't live like this. I have never felt so alone in my life

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lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:35

My father is a man who doesn't take accountability/responsibility. He doesn't say sorry. I always said sorry. I made the mistake of repeating the same pattern with my hubby. I have stopped saying sorry for what's not my shit now with my hubby. Turns out he CAN and does say sorry and isn't like my dad after all. Thank the Lord! My dad however...I've said bye to him now...fotever.

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:37

Well they have won. If their goal was to isolate me and make me feel completely worthless - they've won.

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lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:38

I think if I was you I'd apologise for swearing and losing it. Sounds like he too has apologising to do. Just dont apologise for his errors

Raindropsandslatetiles · 15/10/2022 20:39

I mean obviously I am not in your relationship so I don't know how yours works. If it was me I would be blunt and tell him that if he couldn't treat me with respect and stop upsetting the children with his mood then as far as you are concerned this marriage is over (as you don't sound like its something you should stay in). If he wants to be a responsible adult, parent and partner and talk through the issues then you are open to that but if he doesn't then you are no longer willing to put up with his abusive behaviour (silent treatment absolutely is abuse) or to let your children continue in that environment and you will assume that the best way forward is to start making plans to split up.

lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:40

Try not to give him so much power over your emotions. Easy to say I know. Busy yourself with something. Have a bath, listen to music, watch a film or something. Let him see you are ok...because you are ok

lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:42

I have received the silent treatment many times and it s HORRIBLE, absolutely HORRIBLE

lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:42

Rise above such emotionally immature behaviour

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:46

Literally the way I feel right now is if it wasn't for the fact that my kids would be devastated, I would end it right now.

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lovenotwar149 · 15/10/2022 20:48

Breathe breathe breathe

Raindropsandslatetiles · 15/10/2022 20:49

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:46

Literally the way I feel right now is if it wasn't for the fact that my kids would be devastated, I would end it right now.

Then end it. I grew up in a household where the silent treatment was weaponised. I was very unhappy and it took me many years as an adult to understand what a healthy relationship looked like.

Your children may be upset if you divorce. That doesn't automatically grant them happiness if you don't

Theroad · 15/10/2022 20:49

Bloody weirdos. disloyal bunch of bastards too. If my husband went behind my back to bitch about me to my parents I would be utterly fuming. YANBU.

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:50

End my life

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Raindropsandslatetiles · 15/10/2022 20:52

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:50

End my life

I misunderstood I thought you meant the relationship

do not end your life, why the fuck should you? because a bunch of arseholes think it's okay to be shitty to you? Fuck them!

Walk away, find people who make you happy. Find the bit of yourself that makes you happy. Don't let them steal your life from you, they don't fucking deserve it. You deserve to be happy, respected and feel safe.

EndlessTea · 15/10/2022 20:53

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality. They have demanded that I apologise - firstly for snapping at my dh and secondly for walking off when my dad was speaking to me. Until I do this they wont speak to me again.

Are you the family scapegoat @Hearttakesover?

I have noticed that lots of people including my relatives and in-laws almost need to cement their relationships with gossip and complaint about someone. It can seem utterly bizarre and unjustified, but it’s just the way they bond. I hear advice suggested which seems so cruel and inappropriate to deal with the ‘terrible’ person.

Are your family like this? Are you the youngest of your siblings?

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:55

Yes I get the blame for everything that goes wrong in our family. I'm the youngest

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EndlessTea · 15/10/2022 20:56

Btw - it is completely inappropriate to punish an adult, even if that adult is your child.

EndlessTea · 15/10/2022 21:02

Hearttakesover · 15/10/2022 20:55

Yes I get the blame for everything that goes wrong in our family. I'm the youngest

I’m sorry to tell you that you are the family scapegoat and your entire family need you to be wrong so they can point at you, tell you off and never have to examine themselves.

Yes, it is emotional abuse.
No, there is nothing you can do about them. They will always have a need to see you as ‘wrong’ and that is the lens they will filter all you do through.

However, your partner needs to be reined right in and needs to grow a pair and stick up for you and stand by you. If he doesn’t think he should, if he doesn’t try to protect you, then that is a strong indication he isn’t right for you.