Is this emotional abuse?

[Hearttakesover]

My parents have got involved with an arguement between my husband and I - a silly arguement where I snapped at him and he snapped at me back (for context it was because I couldnt hear him in a loud environment and he just kept shouting and getting cross that I couldnt hear). For some reason my dad felt the need to get involved and laid into me for snapping to the point where I walked away to get a breather and calm down.

Both of my parents didnt speak to me for 5 days - telling my husband that they were going to ignore me and hope that I could see how much upset I have caused. I found messages on the joint ipad which my dh is logged into from my parents to my dh slagging me off. They have told him not forgive me until I apologise. My dh is therefore not speaking to me either. Subsequently my other siblings are now ignoring me too, presumably because they have been told to by my parents.

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality. They have demanded that I apologise - firstly for snapping at my dh and secondly for walking off when my dad was speaking to me. Until I do this they wont speak to me again.

I literally now have no one apart from 2 friends who cant understand what I have done to warrant this behaviour. They have told me its emotional abuse and to cut my family off.

I do need to apologise to my dh for snapping - if he ever speaks or looks at me again!!! but this would have been over with by now if my parents hadnt got invovled. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I feel isolated and am torn between feeling like I am overreacting and feeling really bloody hurt

Basically, the only remedy is for you to create a lovely supportive family of your own.

Please be strong OP. Your parents are doing their utmost to control you and now drawing your husband into it. If he cannot stand his ground and support you in the face of this, it may no longer be psychologically safe to stay with him. Its incredibly hard, but don't doubt your own emotional responses. He has to choose between supporting you or siding with them. His decision will have ramifications for you, him and your children. I wish you all the best. Good luck.

Op this is emotional abuse from your family, it is as bad as physical and is hidden from the world. I think, because he lost his parents and is vulnerable , your DH has almost been groomed by your parents to their views. Distance yourself from them. Keep your children away from this toxicity.
Get counselling for yourself and DH. Please take care of yourself, you are worthy. Stay strong

@Hearttakesover you left home
and they lost control. They have groomed your DH to get it back and he doesn’t know any better. You need to get away and take stock.

Hello Hearttakesover, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but in light of how low you are feeling we have moved your thread. When these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well. In fact we would suggest thinking about getting in touch with Women's Aid as well, just to see if they have any useful thoughts for you.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Do have a think about contacting Women's Aid if you can, Hearttakesover.

Hope you follow the advice above and feel in a better place soon💐

I’ve been giving it some thought OP and about the way you snapped. To me that sounds like the way uncouth siblings talk to each other as teenagers if their parents don’t nip it in the bud, and nothing like the way a married couple speak to each other, especially in front of other people (it’s humiliating to be spoken to like that in front of witnesses). Have you got bad communication habits from your relationships with your siblings?

It probably is worth having a break from your parents and siblings for a couple of months and getting therapy to help you see more clearly what’s going on.

Aside from the scapegoat thing, the whole situation strikes me as a family with poor boundaries. Your parents shouldn’t be interfering in your affairs, they shouldn’t be trying to establish a special relationship with your husband and your siblings shouldn’t be getting involved in your business either. The fact that you can’t see that it is so dysfunctional suggest that you need to learn boundaries yourself and I am going to make a recommendation for you in the meantime. Terri Cole has a really helpful book with exercises in it (really readable) called The Boundary Boss - you really don’t have to put up with this crap. I think the fact that your friends have pointed out that it’s not normal is the first chink of light, you posting on here is your first step.
You are on your way. Good luck.

The other thing you're unlikely to have learnt from your family is positive ways of dealing with relationship issues. So you have no model here for how to respond to your DH's awful silent treatment. Honestly, the best way is to walk away from the relationship - not because you're giving up on it, but because you are prepared to leave it if he won't play his part in the partnership. But first, you hope that showing him that - that you won't stick around forever to be treated like this - is the wake-up call he needs to put you first.

When I say walk away, that could be literally leaving the house with the DCs if you have somewhere else to stay, or just mentally checking out, maybe leaving a letter for him to read to explain.