Is this emotional abuse?

[Hearttakesover]

My parents have got involved with an arguement between my husband and I - a silly arguement where I snapped at him and he snapped at me back (for context it was because I couldnt hear him in a loud environment and he just kept shouting and getting cross that I couldnt hear). For some reason my dad felt the need to get involved and laid into me for snapping to the point where I walked away to get a breather and calm down.

Both of my parents didnt speak to me for 5 days - telling my husband that they were going to ignore me and hope that I could see how much upset I have caused. I found messages on the joint ipad which my dh is logged into from my parents to my dh slagging me off. They have told him not forgive me until I apologise. My dh is therefore not speaking to me either. Subsequently my other siblings are now ignoring me too, presumably because they have been told to by my parents.

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality. They have demanded that I apologise - firstly for snapping at my dh and secondly for walking off when my dad was speaking to me. Until I do this they wont speak to me again.

I literally now have no one apart from 2 friends who cant understand what I have done to warrant this behaviour. They have told me its emotional abuse and to cut my family off.

I do need to apologise to my dh for snapping - if he ever speaks or looks at me again!!! but this would have been over with by now if my parents hadnt got invovled. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I feel isolated and am torn between feeling like I am overreacting and feeling really bloody hurt

Do you have form for snapping at your husband in front of your parents? My colleague probably could have written a post like this. The wider context is that she can't go one evening without snapping at her husband for daring to have an opinion or anecdote. We've stopped inviting partners to work socials because it's so awkward for us. She's complained before that her own parents think the sun shines out of his backside and treat her badly. Personally, I'm not surprised.

You don't need anyone's validation here. You know she is abusive, that's clear. She will never admit it or change. I reiterate what others have said about you being a scapegoat. Protect yourself.

Ok so your mom is clearly abusive.

What was the family event? What did your dad say when he told you off?

I think you need to stop playing the victim and look at your own behaviour.

If you genuinely believe that your parents are abusive then cut them off.

But in this scenario you were completely in the wrong for swearing at your DH like that, especially in front of your parents.
I would be disgusted if my DH or child did that.

None of know what happened apart from the facts you told us.

If I was you and you can afford it I would get some therapy and try and work out your relationship with your parents.

Firstly ignoring someone and giving them the silent treatment is a form of abuse.

If you regularly shout and swear at your DH then it could be his coping mechanism and therefore not necessarily an abusive act.

However, assuming that you do not, that this was a one off and out of character for you to shout and swear at him your husband is acting in an abusive way and his parents are actively encouraging him to abuse you.

He either needs to stick with you in a strong unit that listens to each other first over your clearly abusive parents or you need to get out of a relationship that is a continuation of your childhood dynamic.

I would also recommend some counselling. I grew up with an abusive mother and I was the scapegoat and when I was younger I would often reach snapping point and shout or swear more quickly than I should because that was the behavior I had grown up observing.

As neither you or your husband have necessarily had the opportunity to see how 'normal' families interact then counselling would probably be good for you both, although separately.

All of this. I don't agree that you have anything to apologise for. You were being shouted at for something that wasn't your fault so you told him to stop, so what if your tone was snappy. The swear word was used in emphasis not at him. If he'd apologised at the time then fair enough to say sorry for snapping too, but their behaviour towards you now is appalling and I wouldn't be giving any of them any validation.

It all sounds toxic tbh.

I feel for you - please read up on family scapegoat dynamics, it sounds like thats what's happening here.

your parents are abusive and your husband, desperately trying to fit in with your family as to compensate lack of his own, has accepted your designated scapegoat role in the family and is following the dynamic.

Nobody is breaking any laws, so the only repercussions from this will be relationship difficulties/breakdowns. I think it's important to recognise that it doesn't matter who is to blame. 'It's your fault' won't help anybody.

OP, you're a good person. You know that. So, if this situation/these people are turning you into someone abusive, you need to leave. If they are abusing you, you need to leave. So, really, it doesn't matter whose fault it is. You need to understand that if you're not happy, and you can't find a way to reason with people, then they are not your people, and walking away saying 'I left them behind because the relationships were toxic' is the healthiest way forward.

What a shitty situation.
Your parents sound like they are a pain in the arse. Stop communicating with them. It will get you nowhere and only cause anxiety.
Tell your husband to stop talking about you to them and sort your argument out between the two of you, but also tell him you will not tolerate your parents being brought in to back him up. Ever.. again.

Your parents are abusive and your husband is joining in. You need to talk to him and explain how toxic this behaviour is and how it has to stop. He needs to support you or you will have to leave and cut contact with them all. If he is not willing, leave him to it.

If a spouse needs an explanation about why and how they shouldn't abuse their partner, the thing to do isn't to explain it, it's to leave.

@Watchkeys Yes, but she wants to try to save the marriage and you could argue that without any other experience of family dynamics, he could think this is perfectly normal and the family are just looking out for him.

So, as long as he thinks that participating in abusing OP is 'perfectly normal', OP should put up with it, is that what you mean?

@Watchkeys If you have a huge group of people around you are telling you that your partner is abusive and needs to apologise to you, especially if they really should be on their side as they are their family members, you might start to believe that they and you are in the right. Your advice is to not give him another chance, mine is that if she wants to give him a chance, do, some people are capable of change.

Are there children caught up in this?

If no, then pack a bag and go stay with a friend until your 'D'H remembers who his wife is.

If yes, then tell you 'D'H he either knocks this on the head now or fucks off to live with your parents.

Your parent can get tae fuck either way. Permanently.

@orbitalcrisis

So if your parents convinced your partner that you were abusive, and they all started abusing you, your thoughts would be 'I'd best give them another chance, in case they change'?

If what you state is accurate then OMG. I would be MAD as hell with my partner first and foremost. For colluding with my parents. Your parents sound like mine...I've cut them off now...only took me 50 years of abuse/controlling/manipulative behaviour before being able to do it! They interfere continuously. If I speak up they do silent treatment until I apologise. I was for yrs so needy of them I always apologised in time (for their abuse...crazy or what!) now I am a confident and strong independent woman, anyone who "tries" to mistreat me like that can go and f* themselves!!

Oh mate your mum sounds like a right piece of work. Your DH is not much better with all this sulking. Parents interference is completely unjustified.

Plus this might be better on Relationships- maybe report and ask to get it moved. There is a LOT going on here

@Watchkeys No, she has already decided she wants to give him another chance. I am giving advice on how this might be achieved the only way I can see that is even slightly possible. I don't think it's very likely because either he has always been a massive abusive arse, or he is so indoctrinated by this family that he will not see that he and the others could possibly be in the wrong, but I might be wrong.

If the OP could possibly have an ally in the family that would really help, just walking away from everyone and everything she has ever know is not the easiest thing to do and although this post is a good step towards that, the reality is it will take a lot more for her to leave than a chat with friends and a discussion on Mumsnet. I think she needs to break this down into baby steps, I think the first is a discussion with her husband. She seems to think that relationship is worth saving.

OP is it possible that, if your husband hasn't responded to your parents either, he's just sick of everyone's bullshit?

I can't imagine the hurt you feel that your own parents and husband are ganging up against you. I'd be leaving- your husband is probably enjoying you having no one on your side

Having nobody to turn to apart from abusers is pretty common in an abusive dynamic - it’s convenient for them that way, it’s very possible for them to isolate you without you even realising that’s what they’re doing.

parents sound to be the problem here. Husband too but to a lesser extent.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. If it helps, I got away from my abusive family, and exh, I'm much better off and less stressed.
You could just heave less contact with you parents and siblings if you don't feel able to cut them off. As for your husband, that is your main current problem .
I rare
Y say this, but you should think about setting things up so you can leave