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Mental health

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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

109 replies

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:54

My parents have got involved with an arguement between my husband and I - a silly arguement where I snapped at him and he snapped at me back (for context it was because I couldnt hear him in a loud environment and he just kept shouting and getting cross that I couldnt hear). For some reason my dad felt the need to get involved and laid into me for snapping to the point where I walked away to get a breather and calm down.

Both of my parents didnt speak to me for 5 days - telling my husband that they were going to ignore me and hope that I could see how much upset I have caused. I found messages on the joint ipad which my dh is logged into from my parents to my dh slagging me off. They have told him not forgive me until I apologise. My dh is therefore not speaking to me either. Subsequently my other siblings are now ignoring me too, presumably because they have been told to by my parents.

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality. They have demanded that I apologise - firstly for snapping at my dh and secondly for walking off when my dad was speaking to me. Until I do this they wont speak to me again.

I literally now have no one apart from 2 friends who cant understand what I have done to warrant this behaviour. They have told me its emotional abuse and to cut my family off.

I do need to apologise to my dh for snapping - if he ever speaks or looks at me again!!! but this would have been over with by now if my parents hadnt got invovled. I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I feel isolated and am torn between feeling like I am overreacting and feeling really bloody hurt

OP posts:

Original poster

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:48

unsync · 14/10/2022 13:33

Sounds very patriarchal? The senior male is in charge and everyone just kowtows and does what he wants / they are told to do.

Its more my mum actually. She is who everyone calls "head of the family" and we are expected to listen to

OP posts:

PickAnyName · 14/10/2022 13:50

You are all being unreasonable. Has your family always been like this, or is it a recent development?

Original poster

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:52

Hjgfer · 14/10/2022 13:47

I wouldn’t be happy with the way they are behaving. Do you want to walk away or try and work through it with any of the parties?

If you spoke to your husband and/or parents and explained your hurt, they showed remorse and wanted to work on preventing these situations happening again it’s fine to try and work through it. If not, I’d walk away.

I dont want to walk away, especially not from my marriage. I just feel so incredibly hurt this time - more so than any other time and thats probably because when its happened before ive had someone to talk to. I think the most hurtful thing was to see those conversations between my paretns and my dh - talking behind my back.

OP posts:

Doingmybest12 · 14/10/2022 13:54

This is utterly bizarre. I couldn't be living like this, it isn't normal. I would suggest relationship counselling to your partner and if he says no walk away. You do not need people on your life like this. If you are your partner can't separate yourselves from your parents there is no hope. Blimey this is when I am glad my family are spread out and live our own lives.

Youdoyoutoday · 14/10/2022 13:55

Silly arguments between husband and wife are perfectly normal, it happens but your parents getting this involved and becoming this mean is so bizarre, it's really not normal!!
And if my dad had text me something so shitty, I would have texted something equally as shitty back!

Do you want to sort this out or would you happily walk out on all this bullshit?

TedMullins · 14/10/2022 13:55

It’s possible I guess that you really are so insufferably terrible that people react this way because it’s truly merited, but it sounds far more likely that you’re the family scapegoat and your husband is yet another abuser who you probably fell for because he mimicked the dynamic you’re used to with family. Let me guess, you’ve been treated this way since childhood by your family?

Youdoyoutoday · 14/10/2022 13:56

Cross Post with your previous post!

What did your husband reply to your parents when they told him not to talk to you?

Pallisers · 14/10/2022 13:57

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 13:07

For context my dh has no family. His parents died when he was young and has no siblings so my parents are essentially his only family. This isnt the first time this has happened but not on such a big scale.

This isnt the first incident with my parents either but they have become few and far between since I got married and moved out.

your parents are using your dh as leverage to control you. if he had a family of his own, he wouldn't be as close to them (or might see their behaviour for what it is) and they wouldn't be able to do this. This is all about them controlling you.

your exchange with your husband wasn't a finest moment but was also the kind of exchange any couple might have in a fraught situation. both say sorry and move on. your parents have inserted themselves for no good reason.

I'd ignore them tbh and then say to your dh that he can be married to you or married to your parents - he should pick right now. because you won't tolerate being bitched about behind your back. He should have more respect for his marriage, for you, for himself.

Original poster

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 14:00

Youdoyoutoday · 14/10/2022 13:56

Cross Post with your previous post!

What did your husband reply to your parents when they told him not to talk to you?

There was no direct reply from him on the messages but he obviously has taken their advice as he literally has not said a word to me or even looked at me!

They have spoken face to face about this several times too and obviously I dont know whats been said as I wasnt there

OP posts:

Snoredoeurve · 14/10/2022 14:01

Sunnyqueen · 14/10/2022 13:04

Hmmm its a little suss for everyone to be against you yet you are right and everyone else is wrong and they are all abusing you?In my experience this is unlikely and you are omitting or spinning certain facts here. Most people who do this tend to actually be the abusive ones.

Sorry if thats not right but having been in an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relaptionship that is textbook.

Its common for there to be a scapegoat in toxic families.
There was absolutely zero reason for the Ops parents to get involved, threaten to cut her off and draw others in.

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/10/2022 14:02

The silent treatment is horrible and not warranted. You and DH need to be a team. Your parents are another matter.

Youdoyoutoday · 14/10/2022 14:09

Well it's good that he didnt reply to the message but taking their words as gospel and meeting them alone to further fuel this situation is not right.

When does DH ever have your back when it comes to the rest of your family?

gobblefiend · 14/10/2022 14:12

Why are families so complex eh?! You have my sympathies OP. Ultimately, your husband needs to be on your side. Going behind your back, exchanging messages with your parents about your behaviour, giving you the silent treatment, really does not bode well for a happy relationship.

I think you should admit you were wrong to snap, hold your hands up and apologise. Just be the bigger person here. But, explain that it's not ok for him to gang up on you with your parents and effectively bully you into submission. Your parents sound controlling and manipulative. Has he done this before?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/10/2022 14:14

Your parents sound absolutely toxic and your DH should be on your side! Why are your parents getting involved in snippy rubbish between you and DH that would probs be forgotten about by now without their input?

RedHelenB · 14/10/2022 14:18

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 12:59

I said "stop fucking shouting at me and getting cross because I cant hear you" he then said "what is your fucking problem"

You swore first.

Oceans12 · 14/10/2022 14:19

OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation.

To be honest it sounds like they are behaving like kids in the playground and not mature adults.

And I really don't like the way your husband is undermining you and using your parents as 'Flying Monkeys'.

I'm really not sure about the best course of action.

WizardOfUK · 14/10/2022 14:19

I received a text message from my parents yesterday saying that if they die I will regret this behaviour, along with a barrage of abuse of what is wrong with my character and personality

That is hugely manipulative behaviour

They do say you tend to marry people similar to your parents, seems you've married another, younger version of your toxic parents

Personally I'd let them stew until THEY apologise to YOU for ganging up on you.

Original poster

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 14:23

gobblefiend · 14/10/2022 14:12

This is the first time I have ever known him to go behind my back and message/meet my parents.

My parents have always tried to get involved with my marriage. This isnt a new thing. When I was 16 I was going out with a boy who my mum didnt like and because I didnt break it off, we were having an arguement and she hi me which then turned into a physical fight between us. I was covered in bruises but her response was "I hurt you like the way you have hurt me". It feels like she is doing that now - im going to try and hurt you by isolating you

OP posts:

Original poster

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 14:24

RedHelenB · 14/10/2022 14:18

You swore first.

Show quote history

I didn't say I didnt and I didnt say I wasnt wrong for snapping?

OP posts:

amylou8 · 14/10/2022 14:25

Taken isolation then yes their behaviour is appalling. It seems odd that all of your family and your husband have sided together against you over one argument like this. I'm guessing there's a lot more to the story.

IrisVersicolor · 14/10/2022 14:27

How does your DH normally treat you?

Herejustforthisone · 14/10/2022 14:28

This is truly horrific. Your family are scapegoating you, singling you out and being abusive. Silent treatment is abusive.

Your friends are right. Fuck the lot of them off.

You may have ‘sworn first’ but it sounds like you were being yelled at for not hearing someone. And this response is entirely disproportionate. And abusive as fuck.

Youdoyoutoday · 14/10/2022 14:30

RedHelenB · 14/10/2022 14:18

You swore first.

Show quote history

You sound as petty as the OP's family!

gobblefiend · 14/10/2022 14:34

Your mum hit you because you wouldn't break up with a boy? Clearly, she is abusive and continues to be. This needs to stop. Your relationship with both your parents and partner isn't healthy. You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

Original poster

Hearttakesover · 14/10/2022 14:39

gobblefiend · 14/10/2022 14:34

Yes. She didnt like him and continiously tried to get me to split up with him and when I wouldnt she hit me.

She also hit me when I was about 17 because I had made a comment about how I just wanted to be with my Grandad (who had died) and she took that as though I wanted to kill myself and so she smacked me one.

On both of these occasions they stopped speaking to me for a period of time and I left the house to stay with friends or a boyfriend.

I left home when I was 18 so the episodes of hitting stopped then.

OP posts:

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