No hate please ! Why do depressed people not go outside ?

[ShareLove]

Sorry if it upsets anyone , I am just very curious as why depressed people don’t want to go outside ? I know someone who has depression and she doesn’t want to go outside at all no shopping (only online shopping )no hairdresser no nothing , can someone explain to me what’s stopping them ? It’s no hate question at all I’m just trying to understand better and educate my self better . Thank you millions xxx

It's a bit like having an injury where exercise might help but is very painful, or might be impossible right now, or might make things worse, but you can't know which is the case… you can't force something painful on someone even if it might help, but you can offer to help them do it, when they feel they're ready.

You can’t. You’ve done what you can. You can’t force it on her. You have to respect what she wants. What else do you imagine you can do?

I have had periods of depression caused by violence ex H. Both my DSs, have severe depression, youngest rapid cycling bi polar. I'm his carer. He says he feels anxiety every minute of every day, mostly he doesn't want to go out, for the same reason as other posters. But he says some times he's lonely. Older son says he's come to the conclusion he doesn't like people. I would only admit it on here,I find it exhausting,draining,I'm not young,they are both 80 mile round trips opposite directions. Work colleagues used to say we should all live together. No way would that work. They want their own space,often to be left alone. Trying to sort out their benefits, hospital appointments, Covid jabs,dental care, keeping them alive is not easy!

Oddly enough, I had forgotten, I married a guy with severe phobias, depression,many years therapy, antidepressants. He had agoraphobia, would go from the house to the summer house at the bottom of the garden...that was it. A few years ago, somehow managed to sort himself out, with just small relapses. Ironic he married someone who was nursing. His mother and first wife had left him,that was the cause of his problems

As your friend has refused so many times, I think it's best to leave it at the moment.

However, I don't think the NHS advice is wrong. This thread has brought together a large number of people who have or have had very severe depression, where leaving the house is impossible.

Others have talked about how they had NO idea a close friend or family member had depression - until it was tragically too late ie those people were seemingly 'getting on' - holding down jobs, raising families.

Then there's the large number of people who have a diagnosis of depression, take medication and muddle along (for want of a better term), probably having good periods, and low ones. The people who we might think "oh, Jane's been a bit quiet on the whatsapp group", or "I haven't seen Simon at the gym lately". I think it's that group of people who really respond well to friends being there for them.

When I'm really bad, brushing my teeth and washing my face by noon is a good day. Going outside to buy anything but essentials is more effort than I can bear.

When I'm really bad, brushing my teeth and washing my face by noon is a good day. Going outside to buy anything but essentials is more effort than I can bear.

Wow you're a bit harsh. She wasn't trying to be mean. She was just asking a question. I have depression myself and I welcome questions like this. If you're offended, you have just left this post and move on. Your comment was totally pointless and stupid.

Everything is too exhausting. And it's not like you actually want to do anything that would be worth being exhausted for. Watching paint dry would seem appealing (if anything could be) because it would involve zero effort.

When I have been under the crisis team, they would visit my home and take me out for walks.
When in hospital, no patient was allowed to just stay in bed all day. We all got made to get up, get dressed etc.

You sounds like you are trying your best to understand your friend and what she is going through right now. If she wants to sit around and do nothing, then do nothing with her.

Perhaps you could visit her at home, to start with, @ShareLove. If you went round with takeaway coffees and cakes, and give her a little treat at home, in the garden if the weather was nice, or inside if she couldn’t face even that much ‘out’. Or offer to give her a hand massage or manicure - a little bit of pampering which she might miss, but might not be able to get to the beautician for.

Maybe, after a few visits, suggest going out for a drive - my dh does this for me, when I haven’t been out for a while, and even if all we do is drive around, have a chat, and stop somewhere nice to look at the view, that does lift my spirits a bit. And it’s undemanding - I don’t have to interact with the world, but I’m out of the house.

It’s little things - things that aren’t too demanding and don’t need much effort from her - if that makes sense.

I don’t want to leave the house because what’s the point? What’s the point of shopping, getting your hair done, going for a lovely walk. The same shit is still going on in my head, there’s nothing to gain, I still go home to the same shit. There’s no point to any of it. Things for enjoyment, pointless, they end.
whoever said having a panic attack at home is easier to deal with, yes, that. I had a panic attack in M&S 2 weeks ago, it’s the worst I’ve had, people aren’t very forth coming to help a woman clearly losing her shit.
I can’t make a choice about the simplest thing at the moment so food shopping, even online is impossible. When I walk I feel like I’m going to face plant because my body and mind aren’t connected.
much safer to stay inside.

Some depressed people struggle with agrophobia and due to trauma or bullying become afraid of people and thus afraid to go outside, the world can become a very unsafe place for them and it's not as simple as "Just go outside" when you are literally fighting with your brain everyday.

It had a point - I was pointing out that it’s pretty obvious why somebody who is really depressed doesn’t want to go to the hairdressers. It takes literally the most basic amount of common sense and empathy. It’s really obvious.

No it isn't. I posted earlier to say how much I wish I'd seen this thread when my husband had his breakdown. He couldn't speak of how he was feeling, and though I supported him the best I could, the posts on this thread have given me a whole new level of real understanding.

And as the OP has said, the kind of advice you get as friends and family is confusing and aimed more at lower levels of depression, where the person being taken out is helpful.

OP is clearly trying to help her friend and understand why her attempts so far have failed.

@ OP

Can you remember a time in your life when you felt totally overwhelmed and like everything was all too much?

Perhaps you managed to work it through yourself, by saying to yourself, ok let's sit down, have a cup of tea, and make a list and I'll just do one thing and then go on tomorrow.

But if your very depressed you have massive overwhelm and you can't get yourself out of it, you can't see a way out.

I've had it a couple of times - both in the first trimester of pregnancy. I was very sick with HG and i really struggles to leave the house. My DH and mum had to encourage me and support me "come on Bumps, we will go for a little walk and a coffee and then if you don't like it we can come back".

It is shocking as aside from these times I am an extremely functional can do kind of person - I have a very busy life which I manage well and enjoy managing well!

I can hardly believe that I was at one point so depressed that having a shower seemed like moving a mountain. But it was so.

I get your point.
Some people with depression don’t mind this kind of question, many others find it irritating and upsetting. Often in the past I’ve been asked similar questions as a fake-naive, passive aggressive way to imply that the illness is not legitimate and to trivialise my feelings and it has made me wary.
I give the OP the benefit of the doubt here but at first I did think, it is a very common illness, most people these days are well aware of the main symptoms of it and I also find it very difficult to believe that knowing these symptoms, anyone could wonder how somebody who may have low mood and energy, anxiety or even suicidal feelings may not be motivated to go get a new hairdo or go shopping. But apparently they do.

There are lots of sources of information about depression for friends and family available. There is a very good reason to use one of those instead of starting a thread like this; because although many people don’t mind answering, there is a high likelihood that what gets said may be deeply upsetting for someone who is very vulnerable, if not at the time then perhaps later on. I certainly wouldn’t risk that because I was curious.
The answer PPs have given here are very raw and my heart goes out to all of them, but the information may not be particularly relevant to the OPs friend anyway. How would a load of complete strangers online know why this person doesn’t want to go the hairdressers or shops? If the OP had looked up the nhs website or whatever, they would quickly realise that depression affects everybody differently.
Even a genuine question with good intentions can be tactless and potentially harmful.

@Kanaloa , I do understand perfectly fine that depressed people are in a black hole and they can’t help it , I know this , and they don’t want to go out ect, but for example my friend, she doesn’t go out ,doesn’t want to do anything , for months and months and months , but sometimes she actually does go out and goes shopping and seems happy to be out and do stuff , so I don’t still see how you can compare someone with broken legs to stand up , if you have broken legs , then it doesn’t matter if your mood changes from depressed to happy for a day , you still wouldn’t be able to stand up , but it seems like in depression , you don’t feel good for maybe 90% of the time ? But there is that 10% of time time when that person still gets up and does things , goes outside , enjoys coming for a drive and seems to enjoy having a coffe outside in cafe shop . Like when I have been with my friend, she says it was such a great day ! But won’t come out again for months after that . She doesn’t seem to have a problem with anything while we are out . She does everything that I do , play with the kids , run on the beach and have fun , swimming , laughing , having jokes , if someone else looked at her on that day , they would think she’s the happiest person ever . I don’t know what to think . 🙏🏻😞

Sometimes it can come and go. Depression doesn’t mean you feel it always constantly. Perhaps she masks it in front of her children so as not to burden/frighten/upset them. Maybe she suffers badly at some times and at others feels better. Realistically nobody can really answer how your specific friend is affected by depression - except herself of course.

@ShareLove you don't need to think anything. You need to accept who she is. The fact that she can function at times doesn't mean she can do it all the time. Like I said, for many depressed people socialising and going outside it's tiring and overwhelming.

@Lotusflower16 is right, @ShareLove - I can mask my depression for a certain amount of time, and be social - people who didn’t know me would probably think I looked fine, and happy - but I would not be able to keep it up for long, and it would wear me out. I know I have to do some socialising, and there are other things I need to - dentist, doctor, other health appointments - so I make myself do them. I am lucky that we usually do the weekly shop online, as well as clothes shopping, presents etc, so I don’t have to force myself to go out and do that.

And I do have good days - nowhere near as many as I’d like, but some.

I hope you saw my earlier post, with advice on how you could help your friend. In essence, my advice was to meet her where she is - not to expect her to do things she is struggling with, like going out to coffee shops, but to go to her instead - take the coffee and cakes so it’s a bit more of a treat than her having to make the coffee. Do little things to cheer her up. Be your normal self, but be sensitive so you notice if she’s had enough socialising. If she talks about how she is feeling, listen, but don’t leap in with solutions or comparisons to your life - let her have her feelings.

Maybe she has other friends and relatives who are better support to her when she is feeling down and prefers to see you when she’s in the right form for it. People who find it this difficult to understand depression are the last person I’d want to see on a bad day.
Maybe the fact that she doesn’t want to see you isn’t to do with the depression at all. I have plenty of friends and relatives I don’t want to see regularly and it’s not to do with being depressed.
I really don’t think you need to overthink this so much. It sounds like she knows you’re there for her. Unless you think she’s in danger or she has no other family or friends to support her or she has asked for your help just leave her to it.

When I had a major depressive episode I could barely get a glass of water let alone get a shower so I definitely couldn't leave the house. If I was outside I could look at the most beautiful scenery and still feel extremely depressed and suicidal, like I was in a dark place.

Luckily the third anti depressant I tried has worked for me. I will be on it for life. But nothing else helped.

How lucky your friend is, to have a friend like you who truly wants to understand her. You must be a really special person.

Wow reading all these replies and am shocked at how many other people feel exactly the same as I do, I honestly had no idea that so many other people struggled with the same things.

Question for anyone else struggling to leave the house and not wanting to be around people. Are you able to cope with being around people in your own house, not talking about the family members that you live with, but having visitors? I'm really struggling with that at the moment and posted a thread about it but was pretty much told by some people that I have to just get over it and allow visitors