Having to leave dream job & so bitter

[Domesticgodlessyemerrygents]

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

This is really sad. I do feel for you. I haven't had to give up my job but every week I have to compromise on doing parts of itoften the most enjoyable parts, like going up to London to meet peoplebecause the trains are so terrible I'd never be sure of getting back in time for my children. You run out of favours you can ask friends--esp. non-working mothers, who aren't in a position to ask you for similar favours, thus evening the books.

How does it happen? I just don't know. I shall keep my fingers crossed that you find an eleventh hour solution.

I'm not going through the same, but I wanted to extend my sympathy and say that I am so sorry to hear this. I am sure your university colleagues will be really sorry to lose you - it sounds like they have made every effort to accommodate your needs. But if your husband won't move (which I must say sounds a bit unreasonable, as surely lawyers can find work anywhere) then what else can you do?

Get another nanny?

its the reality tho.
you can be as feminist as you like, the reality is that we as women are still the ones to suffer at every turn.
Guilt is crippling, emotion is absolutely crippling and in my case, a husband who is supportive and who will take on part of the burden doesnt make life any easier.
You must feel totally backed into a corner dg. I fee; for you.

sorry "feel" for you.
Its not a bad idea about the nanny you know, losing out for a prayer meeting is, well, daft.

Get a new nanny.

To be honest, you seem to be putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. What you are proposing makes no sense whatsoever.

Your employer has been brilliant and flexible. What you need to do is sort out either or both of your childcare or husband.

You tell me that your DH cannot for one night a week get home on time. I find that difficult to believe actually. One night a week is possible for most of us (and I speak as one who has a very similar job to your DH). I am sceptical about this one.

But the thing that really surprises me is your attitude to your nanny. Your nanny simply can't provide the cover that you need. Erm, don't you just get a nanny who can? This is not about sentimentality. This is about an employer having needs that simply aren't being met.

It is only one day a week and its your dream job - your kids will be OK being put to bed by someone else for that one day each week, if it means they have a happy, stimulated mother who is pursuing her own dreams. Your job comes before your nanny's priorities. Harsh, but true. Find a new nanny.

Sorry, all I keep thinking is selfish, selfish husband. This is something you both need to talk about. If it was his dream job up north and your job in London kept you out each night until after 6.00 pm would he feel it was his total responsibility to find childcare for that evening? Probably not.

I think he should come home early for that one night and stay later another night to make up for it.

DON'T give up the job - there MUST be a solution!!

But listen, everyone, DG says she has been "desperate to get out" (of London) for years. So crucifying herself rushing up and down on the train, to pack a nearly full time job into only one day actually in the department, really isn't the answer. Sorry, DG, you seem to have left the building and it feels a bit rude - almost as though we are talking about you behind your back.

Get a new nanny, as good as she is your needs come first you call the shots as the employer. you cannot be at her behest, she meets your needs

DH negotiate one fixed work at home day plenty solicitors do this without affecting fee earning commitments or quality of work

you are showing extreme flexibility - now the rest of them need to also be flexible

I know nothing about law. Are there jobs you can only do in London? There certainly seem to be a lot of lawyers there. Is this his dream job, that you are asking him to give up?

Horrible situation

Scottishmummy is right, there are TONS of lawyers who do a fixed day from home. There are two parents in this situation, your dh has a responsibility too.

But longer term you really need to sort out where you both want the children to grow up. WHy is your dh so resistant to leaving town? Sit down, have a long discussion with a pen and paper, and see if you can work through all the pros, cons and arguments. The pair of you sound eminently qualified to do a bit of research - apply your work skills to your home life for once!

TBH I understand the "it's impossible to leave town" argument, because the interesting varied and challenging jobs are here.

What I don't understand is the way that small barriers have become insuperable. How can a bright girl give up her "dream" job because of her nanny's prayer group? It simply doesn't make sense.

Agree Quattro. This should NOT be an insurmountable problem. The employer has bent over backwards to be as flexible as possible, yet the OP's husband is being totally INflexible, and tbh the OP is being inflexible herself in not being prepared to consider employing someone else for the Thursday evening. We are talking about ONE day a week!! If the OP seriously wants to keep this dream job then I think she needs to be prepared to be more flexible about the cover for Thursday evenings.

This is madness. There must be a way. Many have suggested possibilities. Please give all of them some more consideration - dh coming home that one day, temporary cover from emergencychildcare.com, another nanny, friend. There must be a way. Please don't do anything rash. You already sound as though you resent your dh, this will only get worse.

Right, I've worked it out.

I sacrifice £423 per month, which is £5076 per year.

Assuming that this years cost of living pay rise is 2% the amount that I'm loosing by having my rise calculated net is £101.52, which is probably worth quibbling over.

Oops sorry, wrong thread, I don't know how that happened.

So there is no interesting and challenging work for lawyers anywhere in the UK outside London?

I think that's just what lawyers tell themselves because deep down they want to be in London and see long hours and stress as some sort of daft badge of honour.

Well possibly it's a delusion. But I like my job.