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Original poster

Having to leave dream job & so bitter

182 replies

Domesticgodlessyemerrygents · 10/01/2008 18:08

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

OP posts:
DaDaDa · 14/01/2008 12:22

"It seems to be a theme with men that they just don't CARE as much"

Or maybe your husband just has a different (dare I say more realistic) perspective on the potential harm that changing the nanny and extended those hours of childcare for a couple of hours on one day of the week will make?

In my 1st year as a Dad I've lost count of the number of times we've had issues where DW has been adamant a situation won't work. 'He'll never nap in the cot' [he now does] 'He'll never sleep through' [he now does] 'He'll never settle at the childminders; I'll have to give up work' [he has, and DW is happier now she's back working]. Perhaps that is because we have slightly more distance from our children than mothers, but thre are situations where this can itself be useful - but only if you have trust in your partner.

You both need to be fulfilled in your careers, and I can understand your resentment that your H is unwilling or unable to leave early on the day that you need him to. But it does read as though you're using this as a stick to beat him with when the solution does not have to be as drastic as resigning from your own job.

titchy · 14/01/2008 12:26

Give us some more details maybe the collective power of mumsnet can find a solution that works for all of you! Where abouts in Lond are you? Can you both move just north of London so both your journeys are better? Can you move further north as your main family home and dh has a crash pad in town if he's working really late? (Sorry - was sounding like Kirsty ans Phil for a moment there!). and why 3 nannies? The Thursday one, the regular one and....?

hanaflower · 14/01/2008 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:32

titchy, it's now the Thursday one, the Mon- Wed one (who was previously 5 days) and now the Wednesday and Thursday evening one!! (Because I am 9-5 Thursdays up in Stoke, I will have to leave the night before and won't be back until about 10pm Thursdays)!!

It's ridiculous innit.

DaDaDa I do get some of what you are saying. OMG do you sound just like my (d)h!! The 'stick to beat him with' phrase comes up every row!!!

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:37

ikwym about the crash pad- he probably could afford it although prices do seem to be dead silly (when is this crash going to happen)

dh adamant this is not the time to buy & he's probably right. (That was Plan J or so on our A-Z of Big Plans...)

Thanks for all the supportive messages, I am genuinely touched .

I really expected to get flamed for being a spoilt cow who expects to Have It All (cos that is what a lot of people in RL are heavily hinting to me- especially MiL- 'but you can't take H away from his work! You'll be a better person if you give up and stay at home!!' dear god my blood pressure)

justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 14/01/2008 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Libra · 14/01/2008 12:41

You will not be a better person if you give up your career!
You will be a bitter, twisted, evil cow to live with who will expect DH to thank you for ever and ever.

Why are men never accused of trying to Have It All when they work and - shock - have children as well?

controlfreakyhappyandnew · 14/01/2008 12:42

can you rope mil into useful role if she thinks dh's job is soooo important [hmmm]?

Jazzicatz · 14/01/2008 12:43

My mil is the same and thinks that my job is at home - I don't agree and therefore do what I have to do to make the job work. All of the problems you have cited can be dealt with - I have found that with a little ingenuity nothing is insummountable. If you really want this job you will find a way of dealing with it. Good luck.

MrsWobble · 14/01/2008 12:44

this is worse for you than for your children - they are amazingly adaptable. Don't worry about the patchwork - as long as you are confident that your children are being looked after it will all work. If you're happy, they will be.

and don't forget also that in a few years time they won't remember any of this - I'm always surprised by how little my children remember of what we thought were major issues at the time eg change of nanny.

oranges · 14/01/2008 12:45

Don't quit. They are only tiny for a little while, then they will grow and your career will be much easier. and children will cope with a new nanny or babysitter. i clung onto an unreliable nanny because i thought ds adored her. in the end i had to change as i was going to lose my job because of her lack of punctuality and ds barely noticed the change.

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:47

thanks justabout. It means a lot to hear that cos most of what I get from friends/family is 'oh the poor boys' - and that is just with me being away 1 day a week for half the year.

God knows what they would say if I were selfish enough to take the kids up north with me so their dad would only see them 2 days a week (or whenever, who knows with him).

I don't think most people round here think I actually work (cos you know what it is like trying to do academic work- you do the admin then spend 2 hours walking around muttering to yourself, or just on MN )
I go out for walks around here at lunchtime and people say 'where is ds2?'

titchy btw i am in Dulwich, SE London and the job is near Stoke on Trent.

KristinaM · 14/01/2008 12:47

ignore your MIL, being a stay at home parent IF YOU DONT WANT TO is soul destroying

I am also an ex-academic who gave it up for family reasons and i really regret it now

you really REALLY need to find another solution, or resentment of your husband will destroy your marriage

KristinaM · 14/01/2008 12:49

your family and friends sound like they are stuck in the 1950s

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:49

heh heh controlfreak

The thought of MiL actually helping made me rofl

her idea of helping is getting me to drive the kids to Sheffield from SE London so she can 'have them'- only she doesn't want to do stuff like nappy changing and putting to bed.

There have been many previous complaints to dh about my lack of domestic skills and the fact that I 'expect too much of him'.

CatIsSleepy · 14/01/2008 12:50

DG just want to wish you luck.

It's a shame women's careers and aspirations are often deemed to be expendable. I know we have to be realistic about the practicalities of juggling work and childcare but it's alot harder to manage when your partner is completely inflexible.

Sounds like you'd be gutted to give up this job, I really hope you manage to sort out a way of keeping it or getting another job you love.

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:54

Kristina I do wonder what decade I am in sometimes.

All my friends here seem to accept that their dh comes first- in EVERY way.

Their dh can get pissed whenever he likes, stay out whenever, etc etc. They all just resign themselves to 24 hour childcare and absolute primary responsibility.

I think it helps that none of them liked their previous jobs that much anyway.

(oops do not in any way wish to turn this into the Dreaded Debate, btw)

Joppe · 14/01/2008 12:54

Don't quit. I nearly did when dd was little, because I found it all so complicated, and I'm now very glad that I didn't. As so many have said, it'll be very difficult, if not impossible, to find another academic job later. I'd probably work towards having one nanny, and possibly moving to somewhere (in London) which makes commuting a bit easier. In the end, teaching semesters are very short, and during the period of marking/exams/gazillions of meetings you won't have the 9-5 commitment.

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:56

joppe, did you find your department were supportive- I am concerned about being so 'semi-detached' that I might as well be an independent scholar...(commuting & 2 houses will swallow salary whole anyway)

Domesticgodless · 14/01/2008 12:57

rofl libra

You will be a bitter, twisted, evil cow to live with who will expect DH to thank you for ever and ever.

I think he thinks that has happened already

Anna8888 · 14/01/2008 13:00

I think you need to try to stop feeling angry with your husband.

He is a London barrister. I'm sure that he earns a lot of money and is making, therefore, a big financial contribution to your and your children's lives. Be honest: would you be able to make as large a financial contribution to your family life? Try being grateful for what your husband contributes, rather than resentful for what he doesn't. There are (practically) no perfect men out there who make megabucks but are also always available and willing to relieve the nanny or get home early for the children too when their wives are working. Don't expect your husband to be a superhuman or you will eternally be disappointed .

You need paid childcare you can depend upon, someone your children adore. That should be your priority and I presume you have the money to pay for that - so look for it. And feel eternally grateful for all that you do have.

KristinaM · 14/01/2008 13:02

anna - not everything is about money

Anna8888 · 14/01/2008 13:04

I don't think everything is about money.

But no money = very dull life.

Would the OP be happier overall, I wonder, if her husband became a SAHD and followed her up North?

eeewahwoowah · 14/01/2008 13:07

ber-limey - stoke 'way up north'!!! as a former resident i must take umbridge and say that technically it is the (west) midlands. not very helpful to point that out of course and it makes no difference whatsoever to your dilemma. on which note i would say please don't sacrifice your dream job, your boys will survive the one night a week, they will get to know the new nanny's and the new routine before you can blink and all will be well.

KristinaM · 14/01/2008 13:08

it seems to me that you are valuing the contribution of MONEY more than TIME, families need both

anyway, i know OP is a feminist so she can probably defend her own corner better than i can

Anna - are you by any chance the OP's MIL?