Having to leave dream job & so bitter

[Domesticgodlessyemerrygents]

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

Living in Dulwich is just adding to your problems, isn't it? Stoke on Trent is not actually "way up north", I had visions of Thurso or something! There are people now who commute from Derby to London daily - not that I would suggest your dh do this as it would be appalling for all.

But couldn't you move to north London? A much shorter to trip to St P / Euston then. Or to somewhere outside like Milton Keynes or Bedford, somewhere on the train line to Stoke and London? I'm assuming (d-ish)h's job is in/near the City?

If (d-ish)h is never home at 6 p.m., realistically is he seeing the kids in the week?

Don't give up your job. You are not being unreasonable (although (d-ish)h is to some extent) your MIL can bog right off.

KristinaM is so right - no one would become an academic in the first place if money was their primary motivator! Another feminist academic here to add my voice to the rollcall of people saying you must stick with it, and look for ways of making it viable.

Apart from anything else, it's a good way of making sure that you don't only associate with the Stepford Wives looky-likies you seem to be surrounded with in Dulwich.

I think only going in one day a week and teaching the whole time does risk making you 'semi-detached' and you need to work towards changing that. But your dept clearly value you very highly to have been so flexible, and that goes a long way. One night a week away in term-time can be balanced out by the periods when, as Joppe said, it can all be very flexible. I do a lot of writing lectures/reviewing essays for journals etc late at night, but it's well worth it to in exchange for a kind of fluidity at other times that you rarely find if you are reasonably senior/successful in your field.

good luck - a semester isn't that long, and then you will have some time in hand to put better arrangements in place before the autumn.

No, Kristina, I am not valuing money more than time - I am saying that, given the non-negotiable reality of the OP's DH's job, she must learn to accept it for what it is, warts and all, and be grateful for what it does contribute.

Like I said, there is no perfect job or perfect husband.

my point (made to him in the past, but I have given up)is that he doesn't need to be an SAHD.

He could work in Manchester, Leeds, Birmingham, and earn a fair old whack no doubt. I personally know of a barrister who moved to Exeter to be with his partner and in fact enjoyed a better standard of living (i.e. not London! decent garden, better house, etc etc) But dh probably wouldn't end up in the House of Lords and the Legal 500 etc etc if he weren't in London.

And no of course I do not make as much money as him but it seems that the more money he has made we have become more unhappy than the reverse, because his job has taken over everyone's lives.

I don't prioritise money or power in my life, but he does, and it is a big issue.

Anna one thing you're not addressing is the desire to work. Not everyone has it but this OP has a dream job that is so fulfilling for her and she feels bitter about the prospect of losing it. Her DH obviously revels into he status his job gives him - so should she, if that's how she feels.

Believe me Tribpot it feels like Orkney on Virgin Trains. It was frequently 1.5 hours to get to Kings Cross alone.

I was doing it with the baby last semester so no doubt it felt worse. Constantly waiting at the bottom of escalators for employees to come and help me up the stairs etc. Urgh.

Dulwich is indeed a stupid part of London for me to live in (though very convenient for dh of course)!!

So anna she has to make all the compromises? Thats what you seem to be saying.

And do you really think that the two of you would be happier if your DH was doing a (in his opinion) second-tier job?

Lots of men like power in a way that women just don't empathise with.

I think moving somewhere tripot suggests is a sensible move - maybe rent for a while to dip your toe in the water? And is it possible to have one nanny two days a week - say Wednesday and Thursdays rather than 4? So you work your ar$e off Weds doing prep/research etc, marking at weekends when dh is around? I agree having three will be fine for the dcs, but you might feel better about your decisions if you just had one part time nanny.

he sees the kids in the morning and on the odd week when he is less busy.

ds1 often waits for him to come in c.9pm (when he should be in bed)- he told me that he goes to the top of the stairs to see that daddy is back and then he can go to sleep!!

Can you see why I am feeling so ambivalent...

Bozza - not at all, I am fully supportive of the OP in her job. She just needs to accept that her DH won't be contributing to childcare and that she has to pay someone reliable to do it.

Hi dg, my vore earlier was to take kids with you, however you will never change your dh, work just seems a priority to them , over everything, it is for women too, but i think that women feel much more guilt about decisions please dont give up your job you will be so resentful stuck at home, and everytime dh is late you will want to take a pan to the back of his head. 3 annnies, maybe 1 nanny and mothers help pm with nice nanny ? they can both work together and your los will then be familiar with both ? really feeling for you, i work ft, we are thinking of another lo, i earn more than dh, but woe betide me if i suggest him going pt?

atrocius spelling and typing today

But Anna. The OP's DH likes his job, his power and his status. She likes her job, the fulfilment, the status, the sense of herself that it gives her. Why is what he likes more important than what she likes? Since he could move further north and still earn well, they could compromise instead of her having to make all the changes. Why should she make all the changes just because he likes power?!!! My DP likes sitting on his arse watching Top Gear, doesn't mean he doesn't have to do the washing up!

OP as it is in Stoke which is closer to London than I realised, I'd revise what I said to say you need to keep your job, but just move north and he can commute. He could keep his job, though it would make more sense to move and that might eventually sink in. Could you tell him that as his job is so important, you're sure he'll be happy to commute and you'd like to move?

I don't know Anna. That is part of the problem.

We will never know unless he tries.

Also- because he earns more- does that really mean that I have to pass pretty much altogether on my chances of a job?

I have never admired people for their earning capacity, frankly. I will not be happy if I have to give up my career although frankly I think that is what will end up happening.

I envisage staying together 'for the kids' but can't see much beyond that as we seem to be very different people now.

I take pretty seriously the assertions from other academics on this thread that it will be very hard for me to get back in if I leave.

I haven't read all the answers to this but it seems to me that you are in a horrible situation. You have your dream job and your DH has his dream job. It would be unfair on either of you to have to give up.

I think a fair compromise would be to move outside of London, somewhere on your train route so that DH gets to share some of the commute with you.

It means getting a new nanny but you would be out of London and probably have a better standard of living as the housing would be cheaper.

Near Stoke on Trent - I am guessing Keele? I went there - lovely place, great campus.

Surely (d-ish)h can contemplate a move to North London? Or do you not get into the House of Lords if you don't leave in East Dulwich

Sorry live in East Dulwich (I used to live there but left )

snowleopard - obviously people can argue until the cows come home about which party should make the compromises.

But since it seems reasonable for the OP to do her dream job (albeit with a lot of paid domestic support) and her DH to do his dream job - why should they compromise? The issue is the organisation of outsourced domestic support IMO, rather than a fight between the two of them as to who should give up what.

dg, if you feel you have a rocky relationship, , the last thing you should give up is your independent earning power, stick with your job!!! look to the single mums pages and see how much they struggle.you have an education and a great job , which you love, they are so hard to find.

Domesticgodless, you already have very good advice from other posters.

My 2cents worth is:

Agree that London is the centre of the universe law-wise

Hang on to your job, especially if it is difficult enough to get a job as an academic, much less dream job. I would go so far as to say, you owe it to your children to be happy and fulfilled. I cannot see you as happy being a wife to a husband you already resent a little and on whom you would become even more financially dependent because of his refusal to move out of London. You must take care of yourself, a responsility as important as arranging quality childcare. Also, working brings financial security, increased savings/investments, a pension for you, a potential seed money for your dcs when they are older, as you well know.

The issue of patch-work childcare is eminently summountable. It is a huge hassle to recruit another nanny, but it is short term pain, really. Your dcs will cope with the patchy care in the meantime. I say this because in your dcs' mind, the ONLY important people are their parents - both of you are truly their love and their life - everything else is eclipsed. Children are incredibly resilient and adaptable. They can get used to any change in routine in their daily lives. But however hard you try to hide, they will pick up any signs that you are unhappy in your life.

I would be very careful about being held to ransom by any nanny. No one is indispensible.

I have dcs who attend nursery and every year, they move from one room to the older room with a complete change of carers. I have not known them to pine for previous carers. If anything, they were happy to have even MORE carers and lots of arms to cuddle them, so long as they come home to mummy and daddy.

One day/night separation is a drop in the ocean of their life.

Good luck

Is this about the one day a week for half the year that you referred to? I don't see why one day a week would cause you to leave your job? Because your children having an extra nanny on that one day a week for half the year isn't going to make them feel neglected.

Is it because you don't want to do it on just that one day?

Domesticgodless - all I can say is - I know loads of women with very high-earning / long hours (and extensive international travel) type jobs, and, yes, they all end up making career compromises.

It is much, much easier for both halves of a couple to pursue their career goals to the full when those career goals aren't too ambitious. The more ambitious a career is, the harder it is to manage two of them in a family. Fact.

The trains from St Pancras to Stoke are generally OK - I have known more than one academic who has done that commute regularly. You just need to move within London so that home-St Pancras takes half an hour at the outside. For an academic, there are actually lots of advantages to having a base in London, because of libraries/seminars that help with research.

Are you fairly new to this job, and thus to the commute? LOADS of academics do something similar - it's just really hard to avoid because of the scarcity of jobs, and the way they're geographically dispersed. I am at a university much further 'up North' than Keele, and several of my colleagues (with kids) do long distance commutes, and have done for years. Maybe you could find someone who's been doing it successfully for a while to reassure you that it can be done?