Having to leave dream job & so bitter

[Domesticgodlessyemerrygents]

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

errr, why not cope with having the children with you, it sounds like you are a single parent already. And i think being a feminist isnt always about work, its about chossing what you and your family need. Surely you could get a nanny/ carer in the North, hubby could be all powerful during the week and come back to you weekends?

Has domesticgodless come back? Maybe we scared her off. Or maybe she is just chewing the fat ?

I hope we didn't scare her off. These decisions are hard to make. I hope she's having a mull and has found some kind of solution.

Hi everybody - don't worry you haven't scared me (too much )

Yes I was off chewing fat/being depressed. And I haven't written my resignation letter just yet.

You have given me loads to think about. TBH it wasn't the fact of the nanny's prayer group that was insurmountable- it was just the last straw. We have been through everything, Plan A to Z and then Z plus 1. I still have to work this semester as can't pull out now, the teaching has been organised.

The one UNCHANGEABLE THING is that (d)h will never leave his job. He is wedded to it in that particularly London big-shot career-man way. Don't know if you are familiar with how barristers work, but the reason he can never guarantee to be home even 1 night a week is because trials are totally unpredictable & if the judge says jump he has to do it or lose his client/the case. It is such an all-or-nothing job and I am frankly sick of our entire family life running around it.

He can get home at times and have days off (or rather 'working at home'- the phone is always ringing & he is going 'I'll just go and get the file from upstairs', etc, etc)- I just never know when that will be or how to plan etc. His is the kind of job that ASSUMES there is a wife living your domestic/family life for you.

If he left and got work elsewhere, who knows if he would adapt in the end, but I just feel very scared of 'making' him do that and having him collapse on me or get vengeful- sounds dramatic but he is so totally identified with his job.

Don't know how it happened. When we met he was a student in massive debt with a series of vile t-shirts, floppy hair & very bad taste in music.

We have got another nanny lined up for the Thursday nights this coming semester. I just feel so crappy about my sons going from one (relatively new) nanny straight into the arms of another in one night.

It seems to be a theme with men that they just don't CARE as much, so you end up angsting (whether or not your worries are really justified). I am having that awful flash-forward to my sons telling me in 15 years how neglected they felt and I know in the end it comes down to me to sort that out because dh is immovable.

btw I do agree with you all that it would be possible to move to the North with the kids as I do a lot by myself anyway and could get another nanny/childminder.

But I feel I can't take the kids away from dh because when he IS there, he is uberdad. And ds1 (age 4) in particular is so close to him.

ds2 is 9 months but already does that special 'seeing-dad' thing when dh comes home. Waving arms in the air, huffing and puffing with excitement. I don't want to deprive him of that

Think I just have to pull myself together. God knows a lot of people on here are dealing with far worse.

Edam I think you're totally right btw about lawyers insisting they must stay in London to make themselves important.

I think my dh wants to be in the House of Lords and (apparently) he won't get there without London work. But I 'm not sure I actually want to be Lady Muck thanks very much.

I just wanted to post to say that I understand where you are coming from.

Am also an academic. There is the possibility that DH (academic too) will be offered a job abroad. He is miserable where he is, so wants to take it. His argument is that we should all move and I will 'find something else'. I have 12 years in this bloody job, am not miserable and am on the same pay as him. I did not work so hard at my PhD and my papers and my teaching and my publications to 'find something else'.

I am arguing that I should stay here, with the children and he should commute. I don't know how much of a long-term solution such a situation would be, but I too am contemplating it.

Good luck

I can see you're in a tough position and while I'm a ranting feminist myself, I know how hard it is in practise to just make everything work that way.

I think you need to start looking for a dream job closer to home and perhaps consider in the long-term moving out of london but in such a way that DH can still commute - eg living in Oxford, Brighton, Reading etc. - you work there as an academic, he works in London. Also could you work towards working from home - as an OU tutor for example. (I work from home, DS is in nursery 3 days a week and I do some evenings too and it works well.) Your need to keep the family together is important but so is you having a job and using your academic training and inclination - and you don't have to give up on it. It might be easier to cope with what you're dealing with now (which is extremely demanding and stressful) if you can feel you're working towards a long-term plan.

Aaaargh! in practice

But you're turning down your dream job because your nanny has to leave at 5pm.

No no no no no no no.

Find another nanny and do the job you want to do, otherwise you will resent your husband for ever. Dream jobs are far too hard to come by without letting them go just because your nanny leaves early.

What if you leave your dream job and your nanny resigns next month?

What a waste of a wonderful opportunity.

piggy the nanny having to go at 5 is kind of the straw that broke this camel's back iyswim

It just seems such a shame and so wrong that you have to lose out on such a wonderful opportunity.

I can totally understand your frustration and really hope you can work it out.

snowleopard/libra- the field we are in must be one of the most awkward. No money, darn hard to get jobs and you pretty much need a wife to do it!!

I think snowleopard's solution is correct. I am just finding it hard to get over the bitterness/ resentment and I think dh and I are only together for the kids which is so not what I wanted for them.

Well I understand very much the predicament you are in as my situation is quite similar. I work in academia and for me too is my dream job - I had to travel away once a week to teach as my dp would not relocate as he wants to be near his family and job!!! I however, am obviously more selfish than you as I think my happiness is just as valid as everyone else's in my family and I continued to work. I cannot say it is easy but I have made it work as I am not going to give up my job, and the children are only young for such a short time, and for one day a week they can be without mummy! You are just as entitled to be happy and fulfilled, and ime makes you are better mummy for the rest of the time!!!

Please, really try for another sitter before you give up-- you may find someone you like. I am an ex-academic.. It's nearly impossible to get back into it once you leave. When dd was a baby I was so worried about leaving her with sitters, but it would have been fine. Anyhow, just try first!

I agree with Jazzicatz and Zanyj. Do not give up. It will be very difficult to get back into academia if you give up.

I agree that our field must be the most awkward. It is not enough to say, 'oh find a job nearer home'. Jobs in the right discipline at the right level are like gold dust. Jobs.ac.uk is one of my favourite websites, but all it does is confirm to me that I need to hold on here for a while longer.

But tbh, your relationship with DH and your work situation might be easier dealt with as two separate issues. And if you could eventually change your job (not easy I know, but possible) and have an easier time with travel and childcare, you might resent DH less. If not, you need to address things with him independently of your work frustration.

In the short term, I think this nanny needs a kick up the arse! - you need her for x time, if she can't do it she's got to go. Sorry if I sound cynical but I'm not impressed by having to go to a prayer meeting. I don't think I would have persuaded my last employers to let me leave early for that reason.

NB I wouldn't give up either - I'd hang on for now but work towards finding something else.

Libra I think it is also a very bad time to look for new work because of the Research Assessment just having finished, so nobody 'needs' new staff now.

If I left now I would probably be back to part time teaching etc.

Snowleopard, she is a Jehovah's Witness (!! I know- she is so great with the kids and really seems to love them! but don't think her meetings are very flexible) I just don't want the kids, especially ds1 who really notices these things, to be messed about much more and if I piss her off and she leaves...that's yet ANOTHER new person for him to deal with...

So after hiring that nanny for Thursday nights next semester, my poor kids now have THREE nannies...good grief.

I feel like some sort of godawful cliche out of chick lit.

Oh yes, lots of our professors are being laid off now that their usefulness has stopped! I would definitely hang on in there for a bit.
Children can be very adaptable (have had nannies, au pairs, childminders, an unemployed father looking after mine). At least it is only the one day that is the problem for you. Better a fulfilled mum than a bitter one.

I hate to say it, but getting out there on the conference circuit might also help a future move elsewhere.

Goes back to completing paper she is giving on Wednesday. (Last-minute emoticon)

poor you. i gave up work as a barrister a year ago for all the reasons you're experiencing with your (d)h. however you dress it up it is indeed an all or nothing job (certainly if your practice is very much court based as mine was). have you tried telling dh he is somewhat behind the times..... a lot of the action is now in the big provincial centres outside london..... leeds / birmingham / liverpool..... a sizeable proportion of recent appointments to the high court bench have been to those outside london....
failing that i think you need a new nanny.... someoone who is truly flexible and is going to facilitate what's needed. v good luck with it all.

Can't get the display to show me the last page of comments, but am academic and feminist too. Don't chuck it in. Ultimately, it IS more flexible than most other things. I don't think parttime tutoring or the OU gives anything like the same satisfaction (or pay or status), and everyone is right, it is nigh on imposs to get back in. I wld find a new nanny (there are other perfect ones out there, more than jobs!), and hope for another dreamish job nearer London. Very best of luck.