Having to leave dream job & so bitter

[Domesticgodlessyemerrygents]

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

I've commuted daily London to Walsall and it was perfectly possible. In fact it beat some of my London based colleague's commutes into London itself - about 90mins. I only did it because I live near the M40 which was my main route and I like to drive. I also had a great car and a good radio. If you want to commute that way move your home nearer the route whether that be car or train.

how long did it take Eeek? (presume it was N/W London?)

dh would need to get to blackfriars so Bedford is probably about as far North as he can manage, if he is ever going to get home at all. (grr.)

Domesticgodless - I think that those feminist ideals of 50:50 sharing of work, housework and childcare are just that - idealistic.

Now, I know some couples manage it - but it's rare, and for good reason. Two halves of a couple often have complementary skills and desires, and pursue different directions (all of which may contribute to couple/family life).

I've always thought it would be very boring to be in a couple with someone who had the same career as me and shared all tasks - I like doing things by myself and pursuing my own goals and skills. And I like to be with someone who does (and is good at) things that are entirely different to me.

did someone say Dulwich?

I was thinking only last night how efficient it would be to get all the WAHMS in Dulwich into a room, and jointly agree nanny / school run etc. arrangements in an efficient manner, so that we could all have less stress and (potentially and only if we wanted to) reduced hours jobs. (I'm currently considering what to do if we put DS into private pre-prep come September): keep nanny (expensive) vs get live in au pair (too much sole charge childcare?) vs get myself a part time job and do school run myself (less income, won't do wonders for "career" prospects although not terribly bothered about that as long as I have a job where I keep my hand in). I don't have a magic answer. I do think, though, that you should exhaust the options before giving up the dream job, at the risk of ending up resentful / severely reducing your chances of going back into your chosen field in the future.

Re expectations of hours etc; I had a pretty much identical law job to DH before he became a partner, and was still taken aback by the practical reality of how little time he'd have spare. However I tend to think that the bigger shock was how much time parenting would take up.

Oh, and don't leave dulwich - it's nice and we're not ALL stepford wives (well, I'm not, anyway, although I do do a nice line in Chablis....)

I think that should have been WOHMs. acronyms too hard.

I agree with Anna, although it's taken me a couple of years to get there.

I agree Anna. There just isn't enough time in this world.

But I do wish dh wasn't so obsessed with conquering the entire legal world, etc, cos it has made his job the focus of our family life in a very specific way- i.e., as you say, we constantly have to organise a 'wife replacement' for him if I do not provide my services at all times.

Blueshoes- I am not actually surprised at what that woman said about wanting to run naked and screaming down the street. I was only looking after ds1 for 6 months on my own but when dh had a trial, he was never home until 10pm and then working Sundays. I think I went nuts. Dh used to come in and find me hunched over the sink, scrubbing obsessively at reusable nappy stains, often with ds1 screaming upstairs because he just would not sleep without doing that for an hour or so.

You really need the prospect of someone else being there for you, just for adult conversation if nothing else...

I did take ds2 up to Stoke with me last term for 3 days a week. It was just work, work, work, every minute of the day & eventually I got a chest infection. That's why I don't fancy going up north (sorry Stoke does seem like pretty far north to me after travelling there weekly last year!) with the kids.

Zazette your colleague must have far more energy (or easier to manage children) than I do. How does she manage with just daycare, when they throw your kids out the minute they have a runny nose? Ds2 had that most of the winter and so I occasionally had the joy of carting him up there and then being told I couldn't go to work anyway because the nursery couldn't take him!!!

I think that highly work-focused (obsessed?) husbands do put a lot of strain on family life. My sister has a husband like that, and she has a very hard time understanding that she is just going to have to pay for more domestic support (and subcontract childcare) if her marriage is to survive, rather than nag her husband to do it (he just isn't going to).

There isn't another way to relieve the strain, IMVHO.

My partner *isn't' like that and yet I still have to work out quite carefully how the house is going to tick over during my extended absences. It may not seem like I do that much around the house aside from looking after children - but, crikey, does it all fall apart quickly when I'm not there .

I do agree with you Anna that the work split is rarely going to be 50:50, even less both parents doing exactly the same things. But I don't think anyone said it should. It's not with me - I work part-time and work fewer hours than DP and I do more childcare; we bring in different amounts of money accordingly, and so pay different amounts into the housekeeping. Mainly because of the greater flexibility of my job. But we do share the responsibility for finding and maintaining childcare, being off work if necessary, and basically suffering the inconveniences involved in being working parents. If you have a DP/DH who doesn't, that puts a lot of strain on you, if you want/need to WOH. I am actually a fairly hardline feminist, but even if I weren't, I think a relationship should be about sharing the stresses and strains 50:50.

if you're away irregularly, are you taking the children with you or do you hire somebody?

It seems to be the irregular absences which cause me the most trouble, like the 3 hours on a Thursday night, etc. And the fortnights when dh barely comes home at all, I find depressing. Just don't think I enjoy solo childcare that much, feel I am working all the time so can't appreciate the kids (maybe less bad if it's only one).

In other words, the OP's DH should be expected to make some sacrifices too, eg moving house and having a longer commute himself.

domesticgodless - haven't got anything wise or very useful to say but just wanted to give you my sympathies, it must be a very very tough call. My dh is an academic and when he was looking for his current job i basically had to decide to be prepared to go anywhere in the world so he could get a job. I was happy with this as had no particular career path at that moment, but it won't be easy the next time as i am training to be a lawyer now! (but will NOT be doing anything that is at all hotshot anywhere near london!).
i have also been amazed that we have fallen into 1950's gender stereotypes without even blinking and i see it happening to lots of my friends. I am happy with it for now but i am sure many women are not. I am so sorry your dh cannot see your marriage as an equal partnership where you deserve happiness and satisfaction too. I really hope you can work something out. Leicester is an easy commute (1hr 15) from st pancras btw!
have to say though that i pmsl when you said stoke was "northern".., my dh is from the north east and would definitely describe Stoke as "southern" !

snowleopard - but just how (in reality) do you manage that if one of the two of you has a job that requires 100% domestic support?

yes fairylights- it is as if the 1950s are back big time. Thank god for the good sense Mners are dealing out to me in good measure because in RL all I am getting is either 'you're being selfish, poor children' or 'you don't know how lucky you are to have your dh' etc etc.

heh heh about Stoke- alright, I admit it's in the midlands! But surely 3.5 hours counts as a LONG commute??

I have been in the SE too long! I am actually from Birmingham you know!!!

fairylights - did you read Back on the Beeton track on page 4 of Life & Arts in this weekend's FT?

OK, some jobs are more demanding than others, but each of you should make the sacrifices that you can make - it's not about being equal in all things, it's about making a fair contribution. So, for example, he could move, he could commute further, and he could consider a job up north. yes, his job is demanding but he's also a free agent and can make decisions. Having children does change things for most people and make them more prepared to downsize. We're not all allocated our jobs at birth and forced to stay in them...

snowleopard - lots of demanding jobs make commuting impossible.

In my old job, I often worked until midnight. Back in the office at 8 am. You cannot commute with that kind of lifestyle.

3.5 hours is a ridiculous commute! Get your family over here to Leicester, your dh could commute down to london (as i said, only 1hr 15 mins on train to st pancras and i know of people who live around here with city-type jobs in london who happily do the commute) and you could commute MUCH more easily to Stoke.. let me know if you want to know more about living here! btw i was dubious about leicester when we moved here but its a lovely little city actually and you will be amazed at what you can afford housewise if you sell in london!

OK, in that case he can stay over in London, while having a base further north. Do you see what I mean? he could be making a creative effort to make some changes to make it easier for his DW. Because they both have children to think about, not just her.

Anna, that is why I feel dh could not actually commute. He says he could work at home 2 days a week but imho that's not enough & if he had a trial it might not be at all.

snowleopard I feel like quoting your line about not being born to do a job for your whole life at dh. It is as if he was 'fated' to rise to the top of his profession and it's just all about him and his inevitable rise to power (there's a terrible Blairite edge to that man)

You know fairylights that might be a very good idea IF dh could get a crash pad in St. Pancras area... I shall investigate (along with Bedford).

probably a 1 bed in St. P will cost as much as a whole house in Leicester at loony London prices...

I don't know about the specifics of how she manages when her kids are ill, DG. But you would manage by having the nanny look after your kids, I guess. And that would actually be easier for you than it is now, because all the essential elements - you, the nanny, the kids, and the job - would all be in the same place.

Anyway, I'm not particularly advocating for that solution - just putting it forward as one example that has been working OK for several years now.

yeah I think if I do stay in this job (and thanks again all who have encouraged me to do so, it has helped) it will have to be Leicester or Bedford because there is a sort of 'pain barrier' (in my mind anyway) re. commutes over 2 hours. I bet we would barely see dh at all - or at least even less than now- if he had to travel more than that regularly.

I think I should start a thread for 'partners of people whose jobs require 100% domestic support'!

Yes, do start the thread - I think it's a really interesting topic - how do you deal with that reality (as opposed to all kinds of cross and idealised thinking about what domestic contribution DH ought to be making...)