Having to leave dream job & so bitter

[Domesticgodlessyemerrygents]

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

Of course I'm not taking this personally! It's just IMHO some people are being a little bit gung-ho about potentially throwing away a 12 year relationship when 2 young children are involved. People change, and relationships change with them. I just don't think that spending the week living separately is likely to improve a relationship that's going through a difficult phase. Again, that's just my opinion.

dont knwo if its helpful.....but i'm not sure that he would be able to commit to being home on a certain night a week. Although court may rise at 4, it can go on longer if the judge decides. Afterwarsd there may be meetings (consultations) as well as the transcripts to review for the next day.Also you are assuming that he only appears on London city, he might also appear across the south east. IIRC OP needs him home for 5pm.

However i am not a barrister so may be wrong.....

dadada - when i said what I woudl do in Op situtaion, i was not in any way suggesting that she end the relationship. on the contrary, i woudl hope that reducing the burden of commuting and the hours of childcare required might make the life of the Op and her children much better.

her Dh shoudl be able to focus on his work for the two or three nights he stays in London

My Dh works late and away quite a lot and i can tell you that having an exhausted man roll in the door at 9 or 10pm is more stressful than when he is working away. The kids don't see him at all if he is late.All he wants to do is eat or sleep or worse still debrief himself by talking about work!!

If he is late, 111 or midnight, i feel i have to stay up. If he is away, i can settle down with a book/tv/music/mumsnet [ selfish emoticon]

It must be worse for OP as her Dh has also been drinking. Tired stressed man with a file of papers to read for tomorrow + a few drinks does not equal quality marriage building time

i am a barrister. problem is if he is involved in case of any magnitude irt will go on for weeks / months. it may be out of central london. courts finish usually around 4.30... but then there's conference with client / travelling / going into chambers to collect mail, touch base etc / getting home.... this isnt amenable to leaving early every thursday. i know, i've tried

forgot to add - i think OP has been commuting with her baby. commuting with toddler/ small child is impossible because they SLEEP.

Our neighbour used to do this with 2yo and 4yo. left the workplace nursery at 6pm, drove home arrived 8pm. mum shattered after 12 hour shift, kids would play in the garden 8-9pm, then have supper with parents and all went to bed at 11pm

KristinaM- Tired stressed man with a file of papers to read for tomorrow + a few drinks does not equal quality marriage building time

oh how right you are.

Dh has worked at home today (v.g.- except I didn't actually see him except at dinnertime) but is now working in fron of the telly and awaiting conference call at 11pm from senior solicitor currently 'on holiday' in Fiji (not so good)

& I agree with DaDaDa that spending the week apart is not going to improve our relationship at all. It is on dodgy ground as it is due to differences in the kind of lifestyle we want.

He wants to be a judge and work until the day he drops dead, & he has a great tolerance of Tories and opinionated old farts such as said Fiji solicitor. I want to live as far away from London as possible and work flexitime with lots of public sector lefties to whom the phrase 'wealth creation' is an obscenity. Oh, and have a partner who really shares childcare with me .

barristers are crap. it's a crap lifestyle. they work too hard, drink too much, have enormous egos,think they are completely indispensible, need lots of praise and attention etc etc. really. when he's a judge he'll work less hard and be 100x more pompous.

oh you are right, you are so right...& thanks for your post about the trials and lifestyle because I don't think people can get how totally inflexible it is unless they hear it from the horse's mouth as it were.

I absolutely can't change him so for the time being at least I have to fit my lifestyle around his for the sake of the kids cos I think dadada is right. They would miss him. Ds1 has breakfast with him every morning and when he does have his less busy periods he is such a great parent.

to think when I met dh he was all full of leftie ideals and stuff about 'changing the system from within' (he is such a Blairite champagne socialist!!)

Bedford it is then but he will not buy another house now & I don't blame him (see further jenniepanda's property stress thread)!