Having to leave dream job & so bitter

[Domesticgodlessyemerrygents]

I was stupid enough to take my dream job. It is at a university way up North and my (formerly d)h is a lawyer in London. We have lived here ever since university and I have been desperate to get out for years.

I thought I could manage it, as academic hours are flexible. But I did not bank on the reality of travel chaos and being apart from my sons (the youngest is only 9 months) even for 1 night.

I could move the family up there with me but I don't think I could handle being a working 'married lone parent' all week.

Now they have put all my teaching into 1 day and I have gone on 3/4 time. But the only day they could give me was Thursday (non negotiable) and our nanny has to go to a prayer group at 5 pm that day (also non negotiable...)
My husband is simply never home by 5 or even 6pm.

The agency cannot get us a regular babysitter for Thursday nights. And anyway I don't want someone else to put my babies to bed while we're both working.

I started drafting my resignation letter & have been feeling like crap ever since. I can't talk to my husband or even look at him. He is too ambitious to ever leave London. The only solution is for me to leave and go up North alone and I don't want that for the children or me.

Anyone else going through similar? the irony is I'm a FEMINIST academic, now giving up work for husband...how did that happen?? (bitter irony emoticon)

Domestic Godless, thanks for taking my post in the constructive spirit it was intended.

One thing though, I definitely am not like your DH; I'm not ambitious and I'd give up my job in a hearbeat if finances allowed it. I also leave work early twice a week so DW can stay at work later those nights, but then my job permits this and we're fortunate that our jobs are financially evenly matched so I'm willing to risk my reputation at work. I do think that financial realities will play an increasing part in who takes the childcare burden in the future over and above the '50's stereotypes'. However, the advantages are not all stacked in favour of men - employers look far less kindly on requests for flexible working from Dad's than they do from women (witness your employers flexibility towards your hours) and this will take a long time to change.

It sounds like you need to move to N London or further North at least, but your (D)H also, infuriatingly I'm sure, has a point about the housing market!

dg, you can get cheapish places in kentish town/tufnell park on bus routes that take 15 mins into st. pancras. taxis are even quicker.

a digression for anna8888, interesting to see someone doing what i did, moving sideways. i used to run london's infectious disease surveillance systems, for some kudos, eff all pay and decreasing opps for personal development. i have ds1 age 2.7 and ds2 due next month and do consulting work in info architecture. i am learning so much more than i ever thought possible. it's exciting, no?

eg opposite me, 3 mins walk to fast, frequent 390 bus route to st pancras

was just thinking about your issue and (bearing in mind i know NOTHING about nannies and au pairs etc!) would it not make sense for you to have someone to live-in with you? Even if you moved to leicester/bedford, at least then you would have someone around to do the domestic support kind of thing that you really need.
Or maybe that is a ridiculous plan..and crazily expensive, i have no clue.
just an idea!

Just got back to this thread. So glad you didn't give up your dream job.

Your husband sounds lovely. I guess the problem is that even though courts rise at set times though but he has a lot of different courts and may not know which one he is working in when?

You can't do anything about MIL other than grit your teeth.

But you have got a new nanny and lots of new options. Yay. Have you thought of an au-pair? If the children are coming up to school age, that might be a really helpful solution.

I have a live-in aupair, partly to help me on the nights when dh works late. Prior to the aupair, I would shudder whenever dh called in say he was held up at work. Now, it is just a small blip because the aupair helps me out with dcs, to put them to bed etc.

If she fits in as part of the family, you won't mind the lack of privacy or find her presence awkward.

merryberry I used to live in a bedsit on Carleton Road in Tufnell Park. It was chosen primarily because it was so accessible to get into London and also to Kings Cross.

Ah, bozza, yes it is pretty amazing for transport isn't it! i live off carleton now.

Yes because the bedsit itself was a dump but what could I expect for £70/week in 1996? But you could walk to either Tufnell Park tube or Holloway Road and then all the buses.

dg, here's another thought for you: I have a colleague who works 0.5 in order to keep up professional practice in her specialist area the rest of the time. So she just comes up from London one semester per academic year. I didn't think of her yesterday because she doesn't have kids! Could you consider that arrangement, at least for a while?

DaDaDa, who's to say that a man in DG's dept wouldn't have been able to swing the same arrangement?

Well, obviously there's a strong element of conjecture in what I said and I can't know what one particular employer would or would not agree to.

What I do know is that my DW went to a 4 day week after her maternity leave with no problems, but when I sounded out my Line Manager about the same thing, I was met with much sucking of teeth and dark mutterings about expendability.

Undoubtedly Mothers are sidelined in some professions if they need flexibility, but I would generally say it's considered better form for a woman to request that than a man.

It's considered better form for a woman to request it because childcare is still supposed to be women's work. Which is how come DG can end up in a situation where her dh dumps all the responsibility for their family on her. And then women's careers take the hit, and they end up earning less than men - and on it goes. I know you're not endorsing all that - but the fact that women can 'benefit' from flexibility is closely linked to the fact that they end up getting crapped on in the workplace, all too often...

btw, I work full-time, and my dp works part-time. So there are exceptions...

You're pushing at an open door here Zazette...

Haven't read all the postings, but the thread title resonated. My dream career died a very swift death shortly after having my first child - just not possible to do the hours once I had a little one.

Dh and I mostly share childcare and housework - both working part time, though not necessarily through choice, he's an actor and hasn't had much work come in since the kids. He's just landed an 8 week dream job (shit pay but fulfilling) in a totally different part of the country, and so off he's gone, just like that. I had about 3 days to prepare for this as his job was short notice. Because he is my childcare when I work, during these next 8 weeks I can't do my job. I'm quite unhappy (to say the least) that I'm suddenly plunged into 100% domesticity.

And I find myself wondering, like the OP, how come I'm a feminist, and one who has a mostly supportive house-husband type dh, and yet when it's crunch time I STILL end up holding the baby? And how come its okay for him to leave, and do all sorts of things (that involve time away from kids) to support/develop his career, yet its not okay for me? And why do the kids feel more 'mine' than 'his'? And how come so many other women feel the same?

really sorry to hear that Manoo. It is a big and bitter pill to swallow.

Do you find that it is only dh who ever leaves for long periods, because of the type of job he has? Or do you think you don't go off because 'the kids feel more 'mine' than 'his' (which is my problem).

Dh to be (vaguely) fair to him doesn't usually 'dump' the kids on me. Except when he suddenly goes for a drink after work, gets tiddly and then rings me at 7.30 slurring that he's 'just going out for dinner with so and so'. That gets to me because I NEVER do that.

He says 'well you could if you wanted to...' and I am like 'when?? I have the kids from 5.30 every day and am bathing and bedding because you are at work. Do you really think I would then go out for a night on the town after waiting for you to turn up at 8.30pm??' grr.

Rather, he dumps them on a combination of me and paid childcare. And he sees nothing wrong with that, whereas I worry about it. A lot of that has got to be because I have taken on the general social view that mummy is basically responsible for a child being unhappy or feeling neglected. Despite being such a feminist

I think you've hit the nail on the head Domesticgodless - that 'he sees nothing wrong with that, whereas I worry about it' - it's obviously just within us women somehow, to put our children's needs above our own, in a way that it isn't for men. I think it comes naturally to us (well, sort of, I've never felt that any aspect of parenting comes naturally to me).

I'm trying to think about your question - mainly I think dh only goes off for long periods cause of his job, but having said that, it has somehow become established that when he's not working away, he goes out at least one night a week, and that he 'needs' to catch up with so and so or such and such a bloke for a pint (or several), whereas it's somehow become established that I stay in all the time.

And this seems to be so common with so many couples. Like you say, it's kind of socially accepted that the mother is responsible for the child's happiness, and that any help from a father is a dip-in and dip-out whenever it suits bonus that we must be eternally grateful for

oh god yes the 'need' to go out once a week. Well with dh it is twice a week, Thursdays ('work drinks') and Fridays (because 'everybody' goes out on Friday after work- except me, because I am at home with the kids, who are handed back to me the minute my 'working' day ends).

I think men are just given social license to believe that they have a right to be out of the house 'networking'(i.e. drinking)

am quite concerned for dh's alcohol levels if I do end up moving out of London and he is staying over 2 or 3 nights. He simply cannot turn down a drink, or 12. If we are all at home I think guilt usually drives him home by 9 or so (except on Thursdays and Fridays).

Haven't read the full thread, just the first page so apologies if discussion has moved on (I know it probably has!)

But just wanted to let OP know, that my DH has a City job and is v.v. ambitious etc. and for 2 days a week he agreed to leave "early" (5pm) to come home to put LOs to bed so i could work part time and keep my foot in the door in what is left of a career post baby.

So for one night a week, could you not ask him to simply tell his colleagues, this is one night that he is leaving office at X time. He doesn't have to bill it as leaving early.... he can say he will be working from home later etc. He can arrange calls for post bedtime or whatever.

This is what a couple of women at work do. They hold their head up high and say - I am unavailable from 5-8pm but will be online/available for calls from then on. Everyone knows thats the way it works and is fine with it. For one night, surely he could do this when you look at the alternative you are considering.

With the technology today, mobiles, blackberrys and home PC etc. you can do this kind of thing. I know he will need to take a few hours out to put them to bed etc. but if he is that ambitious, he can log on / send few emails to demonstrate he hasn't totally checked out completely.

Tiddler the main problem is court work. Totally unpredictable, and you simply cannot get out of it for 'unimportant' things like childcare (that's why wives exist isn't it??)

DG - i was thinking about your situation last night

if i were you i woudl move to right beside your work. house prices and childcare will be cheaper and schools will probably be better too.you might even get a social life

your kids are too young to care about the move and will settle fine.you are away from your family anyway - they are in b'ham, right?

you dont seem to have much in common with your " friends" locally

the quality of life for you and the kids will improve.

your Dh never sees the kids during the week anyway, so they wont miss him

If he's not in court he can be up with you Thusr or Fri to Sunday. he can work on the train

It sounds like your marriage isnt that great anyway, so you shoudlnt even THINK about giving up work. sorry, just trying to be practical

you make many good points Kristina but I can't get up the courage to move on my own.

Psychologically there is a big difference for me between Bedford, say, and Stoke. If we're in Bedford I know he COULD get home if I really needed him.

there have been times in the past when I had PND etc that I really needed him to get home, because I really thought I was going mad (think you need to have had PND to understand that one). Frequently he didn't (!) but at least I knew I would see another adult in the morning etc.

True our marriage is not great but he is still my best friend, we have been together 12 years now. The one thing we truly share is the kids. I want to absolutely maximise the time he spends with them outside the 'non-negotiable' job.

My parents are now in Sheffield. They will try to help but frankly they are nutters and I will probably end up looking after them more than the other way round. They do adore the boys though.

I am still thinking, but according to dh a property slump is imminent (& having done a bit of research myself I agree) so we can't think of buying anything for at least 6 months anyway...

So a move to a different house, in a different area, with the kids seeing even less of their Dad and a total change of carers will be less upheaval for the children than a new Nanny or CM for a couple of extra hours and/or making the effort to get a fairer partnership going? Right...

"your Dh never sees the kids during the week anyway, so they wont miss him"

Domesticgodless has not said this, and I'd wager they would miss him. However irrelevant Dad's may be rated by some.

i thought that she said he didn't come home until 9pm and was out drinking or working?

stop taking this personally dadada, this is about the Op not you

and is her Dh is a barrister heading for the house of lords he truly doesnt have a lot of capacity for a more " flexible partnership"

DG, from asking around casually over the last couple of days (don't worry, no context or specifics!), I think tiddler (and I think Quattro further down the thread) are right. As a barrister he ought to be able to commit to be home one evening a week, even if he has to work a lot post bedtime, because the courts don't open at night. It's easier than if he were a corporate solicitor having to be in all night closing meetings at the client's whim - although even that is manageable if the will is there. I think you should put the hard word on, and try to ignore the inevitable "you're not a barrister you just don't understand" response. Anyone else have more experience than me and can helpfully comment?